3:32 AM | Comments (0) | by Governor X
9:00 PM | Comments (0) | by Governor X
Tennessee at Detroit
The 2008 Lions win the coveted cock-gobbler award given annually to the team that should be disbanded.
Pick: Titans 31 Lions 0
Seattle at Dallas
Remember classic Thanksgiving showdowns involving Dallas like the Leon Lett game? I don't either. The Dallas game hasn't been worth a damn since 'Nam.
Pick: Cowboys 37 Seahawks 20
Arizona at Philadelphia
If a west coast team wins a game in the Eastern time zone at all this year, this is going to be it.
Pick: Cardinals 34 Eagles 28
Baltimore at Cincinnati
I haven't been paying much attention to the Bengals. Is Carson Palmer dead?
Pick: Ravens 29 Bengals 14
NY Giants at Washington
Ganesh must be pissed. The Giants shouldn't be this good.
Pick: Giants 36 Redskins 28
Indianapolis at Cleveland
Peyton Manning is a douche.
Pick: Colts 27 Browns 10
New Orleans at Tampa Bay
I may have to put out a hit on Drew Brees. I'm not going to sit idly by and watch Kurt Warner break Marino's 5084 yard record only to have this birthmarked upstart overtake him.
Pick: Saints 35 Bucs 17
Carolina at Green Bay
Welcome back to reality Panthers fans. This is what a team led by Jake Delhomme should look like.
Pick: Packers 23 Panthers 17
San Francisco at Buffalo
The Mike Singletary sideshow is officially boring. This week he'll bite a head off a bat. The 49ers will still lose.
Pick: Bills 25 49ers 20
Miami at St. Louis
The Rams have given up about 400 first half points in the last few weeks. You can expect the trend to continue.
Pick: Dolphins 42 Rams 24
Atlanta at San Diego
My AFC Superbowl pick San Diego is coming apart at the seams and I fear my BFF Norv Turner's job may be in jeopardy. I blame Ed Hochuli.
Pick: Falcons 28 Chargers 20
Kansas City at Oakland
Oakland scored an offensive touchdown last week and Kansas City gave up 54 at home. This is like seeing two unicorns just hanging out by the highway telling war stories.
Pick: Chiefs 17 Raiders 12
Denver at NY Jets
Its entirely possible that Denver will win the AFC West with a 7-9 or 8-8 record. Do you see what happens Larry?
Pick: Jets 35 Broncos 17
Pittsburgh at New England
I think I saw Bill Belichick panhandling for change near a 605 offramp.
Pick: Patriots 28 Steelers 17
Chicago at Minnesota
This is a battle for first? NFC North FAIL.
Pick: Bears 5 Vikings 3
Jacksonville at Houston
December kicks off with a stinker that reminds ABC why Monday Night Football isn't such a loss.
Pick: Texans 18 Jags 10
7:00 PM | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan
We're starting something new this week. From now on instead of just myself picking the albums, we will have various members of the Pomp Culture Collective make selections from their own music catalog.
Something Old - "Waylon Live" by Waylon Jennings
Genre: Outlaw Country
Submitted by: Chip Wesley
Look, I love Johnny Cash as much as the next person, but when it comes to Outlaw Country, Waylon Jennings was, is, and always will be king. Saying 'F.U.' to Nashville, Waylon took over his own recording rights and moved to Texas in the early 70's. The result was a bevy of kick-ass songs and the rapid expansion of the Outlaw Country movement.
This live album was originally recorded in 1974 and features Waylon in his prime. While you'll find a few of his classic tunes on here, the real treat is hearing him do some covers, such as "Never Been to Spain" and a haunting rendition of "House of the Rising Sun".
Tracks to stay tuned in for: T for Texas, Never Been to Spain, House of the Rising Sun
Something New - "Sycamore Meadows" by Butch Walker
Label: R.E.D. Distribution
Genre: Indie Rock
Submitted by: Chaim Witz
Mr. Walker is quite the polarizing figure amongst the Pomp Culture Collective. Nay, I may be the only one who actually likes him. But like the kid who gets called a 'fag' for liking KISS in high school, I take my lumps and continue to hoist my lighter into the air. A poor man's Dave Grohl (minus the testosterone) Butch not only writes every one of his songs but plays damn near every instrument to boot. Each of his albums has a different feel and this one is no exception. Mixing influences like Petty and Springsteen with his own brand of pop rock to great affect, Butch has crafted his most personal album yet, recorded shortly after the California wildfires claimed his home and everything that he had. Like most of his albums, there are songs that should be huge hits but won't be. "Here Comes The..." is that song on this album.
Tracks to stay tuned in for: Ponce De Leon Ave., The 3 Kids in Brooklyn, Summer Scarves
Something Different - "Original Soundtracks 1" by Passengers
Submitted by: Governor X
U2's underrated mid-90s exploration into different genres hit a bizarre peak with a collection of songs from mostly imaginary movies so strange they released it under a pseudonym. The Passengers (U2, Brian Eno, Luciano Pavarotti, and others) offers the listener everything from electronic instrumentals from a faux-film that per the liner notes, "exists in that underexplored territory between horror and comedy" to deep south porch music lamenting Elvis Presley's battle with his weight.
Tracks to stay tuned in for: Miss Sarajevo, Corpse, Theme from Let's Go Native
Like what you hear? Have a suggestion or recommendation? Please feel free to leave a comment.
12:01 PM | Comments (0) | by The Hundley
Does this happen all over? Yeah, most definitely. Is Florida State the only one? No. It's just curious how The Seminoles always get caught. I guess when you're one of the most winning schools in D-1 football in recent memory, you're under a microscope. All of that being said, there aren't too many people that put much creedence in the "student" portion of Student-Athlete. Oh, about that aforementioned book's cover...
Not quite sure how this story isn't getting more attention, but on Saturday, Florida State safety Myron Rolle was awarded the Rhodes Scholarship. For those of you have no idea what that is, it's basically one of the most prestigious international scholarships around, one which has some fierce competition where the winners get to attend Oxford University. Rolle is the first major level player to be awarded the scholarship in over a decade. Myron is definitely in some rarified air, just look at the list of notable winners. There are four standards by which the applicants are judged on. Let's see how Myron stands up:
- Literary and scholastic attainments: Myron was a 4.0 student in high school and he brought that attitude to college. In just 2-1/2 years, Myron completed his bachelor degree in Exercise Science (pre-Med emphasis) while starring on the football team and holding down a 3.75 GPA. Currently, he's pursuing a master's degree in public administration, ultimately aspiring to become a neurosurgeon and open up a free clinic in the Bahamas, his parents native country.
- Energy to use one's talents to the full, as exemplified by fondness for and success in sports: Coming out of high school, Rolle was one of the top ranked prospects in the country. His play on the field definitely warrants mentioning, he is currently 2nd on the team in tackles, and most mock drafts show him as a first or second round pick and one of the top ranked safeties.
- Truth, courage, devotion to duty, sympathy for and protection of the weak, kindliness, unselfishness and fellowship: Balancing an athletic career and scholastic career is tough. On the night that he was awarded the scholarship, he took a private jet and had a police escort to get him to his team's game. He arrived just before half, entering the game with about a minute left. Rolle also realizes that his award gives his school a much needed boost in the PR department: "In the midst of the troubles that have gone on here at Florida State academically, there are still student-athletes doing the right thing. Possibly we can move that perception from being a school that's just focused on partying and athletics."
- Moral force of character and instincts to lead, and to take an interest in one's fellow beings: in his spare time (how does he have spare time?), Myron has visited with Native Americans of the Seminole tribe, speaking to children about how physical fitness and a healthy diet can help combat the tribe's problems of obesity and diabetes. With his aspirations of a career in medicine, the last offseason he was in the medical labs helping with research on cancer and stem cells, for which he received a $4,000 research grant.
Hats off to you, Myron. I have a feeling that your best is yet to come.
9:46 PM | Comments (0) | by Rich Funk
1:50 PM | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan
OK, for those of you that opted to stick around, prepare yourselves as Pomp Culture gives the finger to decency and good taste with....
Death League 2009!
For those of you that followed our stuff over at Thunder Matt's Saloon, you already know about the Death League. The official 2008 season ends on Thursday and unless someone drops dead before then, Governor Gray Davis looks to be the inaugural league champion.
But now it's time to defend that title. Coming back are all 8 members of last season (the Gov, Brant Brown, Dave Thomas, Chaim Witz, The Hundley, Daft Funk, Tommy Buzanis and myself) as well as three new people to the league (Lingering Bursitis, Jordi and Arcturus). Here are the basic rules and scoring system for Death League:
- Each member has a roster of 64 people which consists of 60 famous people aged 60 or older that were randomly assigned to them, as well as 4 wild cards that were picked in a special four round draft. The wild cards could be any famous person under the age of 60 as of 11/27/08.
- Each member scores points if one of his people go belly up. Points are awarded based on age and go as such.
Age 95-99 = 1 point
Age 90-94 = 2 points
Age 85-89 = 3 points
Age 80-84 = 4 points
Age 75-79 = 5 points
Age 70-74 = 6 points
Age 65-69 = 7 points
Age 60-64 = 8 points
Wild Card = 20 points
- The death 'season' begins the day after Thanksgiving (Black Friday) and will conclude at the end of Thanksgiving day 2009.
- The 2009 rosters are shown below. Click to enlarge. Wild Card picks are highlighted in green.
Good luck to all participants. I'll post the final results of Death League '08 next week.
8:00 AM | Comments (0) | by ,
Anyway, the other day, I was channel surfing, and I came across the Friends reruns...So I decided to watch for a while. And after about 5 minutes, I found myself asking "Why the hell did I like this show? It's freaking terrible!" It was like watching Dane Cook do stand-up - nothing was funny, and everything seemed rehearsed. First of all, almost every single joke seemed completely forced and predictable. For example, if somebody asked "Is there any sausage left for breakfast?" you just knew Chandler was going to say something like "I have some sausage you could have for breakfast! Heyyy-ooo!" Secondly, everyone in the show seems to overact to the point where it's rather grating. Take Ross...I know he's supposed to be the uptight anal guy, but it's taken way too far. He'll be running late for work, and for 5 minutes, he'll run around that coffee shop they're always sitting in yelling "Oh no! I'm late for work! I'm going to miss my meeting! Oh no! I'm totally freaking out about being late for work! Oh noooooooooo!" Good grief! We know you're late for work! Just shut the fuck up and go to work! And don't get me started on Phoebe and her damn songs about smelly cats and bluebirds...About half way through the episode, I had to change the channel to prevent myself from shoving a pencil in my eye.
So after I changed the channel, I began to wonder...Why did I like this show a few years ago, yet now, I completely hate it? Here's what I came up with: I don't think it holds up well because I don't know if there's a lot of "clever" comedy in the show...Like I said earlier, each episode was half an hour of exaggerated reactions and forced one-liners. It's not like Frasier - a show I still find to be very funny - which had a more sarcastic and witty tone to it, and didn't always rely on physical jokes or cheap laughs. Did the characters in Frasier ever exaggerate a situation to get a few laughs? Sure...But a lot of the jokes were more subtle and cerebral. So that leads to the question...Why did I watch Friends if I didn't find it funny? I think some of the show's popularity came from the fact that it was "cool" to like Friends. It was a show about 6 hip people who lived in hip loft apartments and wore hip clothes...Obviously, you were hip if you watched it, right? Also, the show was shoved in your face wherever you went...Friends board games, Friends coffee mugs, Friends t-shirts...There was even a damn Friends cook book. It wasn't just a show...It was a trend...And it became such a big part of our culture, that you felt "out of the loop" if you weren't watching. It sucked a lot of people in - including myself.
I'm not saying that Friends is a total piece of junk. At the end of the day, it's harmless fluff that you can watch when you don't feel like thinking. But I am saying that perhaps it wasn't as great as a lot of people perceived it to be...We simply bought into the hype...
8:43 AM | Comments (0) | by White Chili
Anyway, as always if you find anything particularly depraved please pass it right along to email@example.com. Enjoy and make sure to wash your hands afterward.
A whale shark takes a dump and scientists go berserk. (BBC News)
Here are a few challenged ballots from the elections in MN. The Lizard People made it a good race. (MPR)
No one likes President Bush. (YouTube)
This is an outstanding collection of pictures from LIFE Magazine posted on Google. Worth a look. (Google)
Mark my words: I'm buying a breathalyzer before the year is up. There's no way that this doesn't end up with me in the hospital. (Breathalyzer.net)
This is the greatest wedding ever. Talk about falling on a grenade. Notice the Twinkie cake. (SherDog)
Twenty road signs. (Uncoached)
$250 down? Not a CHANCE! (YouTube)
I've stared at this for literally hours. Once you get the hang of it, it's not too difficult. The easiest way to do it is stare at the thigh of her leg that she's balancing on. It's not a fake, go ahead and download the GIF. (Perth Now)
Those clowns on Wall Street. What a bunch of clowns. (The Daily Show)
It wouldn't be Pomp Culture without a link to the New Yorker. Even if it is Jack Handey. "Maybe it's got something to do with that 42 in the corner." (The New Yorker)
Variety Writers Sling the Slanguage. (Funny or Die)
Hubert Humphrey & the Zillionaire Internet Army. I'm pretty sure that's all I have to say. (YouTube)
12:00 PM | Comments (0) | by Governor X
Brothers and Sisters...I don't have much to do anymore, so I write letters like an old man. Here are a few of the choice ones (the letters) along with my heavenly NFL picks for week 12.
Cincinnati at Pittsburgh
Dear NFL - Damn you! I had money riding on the Steelers last week and your refs blew the call. Now I owe my bookie $5k. My stocks are down and I don't have it right now. If my legs are broken, I'm holding you responsible.
Pick: Steelers 20 Bengals 9
Houston at Cleveland
To whom it may concern - I may be able to turn water into wine, but I can't turn this into a game worth watching. If its on in your area, turn your paycheck into wine and get wasted.
Pick: Browns 29 Texans 14
Buffalo at Kansas City
Dear Coach Jauron - It is with deep regret that I cannot answer your prayers regarding Mr. Edwards. My advice to you would be to put in Mr. Losman post haste. Yes yes, I know he's a little emo, but he won't throw three picks against teams like the Browns.
Pick: Chiefs 17 Bills 8
New England at Miami
Dear World - I just want to confirm that I am not Tom Brady. We aren't even close since that business on Buzanis' boat. I'm known to turn the other cheek, but that was just too much. Last time I party with a bunch of crazy old white people on a boat.
Pick: Patriots 31 Dolphins 21
NY Jets at Tennessee
Dear Buddha - I didn't think they would buy into this 10-0 crap, but they did. Guess I owe you a beer you zen master bastard.
Pick: Jets 35 Titans 24
Philadelphia at Baltimore
Donovan - Really? I live all the way in BF-Kolob and know games can end in ties. We don't even get NFL network out here. Pay attention man.
Pick: Ravens 27 Eagles 21
San Francisco at Dallas
Dear "Doctor" Dobson - Please quit trying to blame me for everything that goes wrong out in San Francisco. Me being vengeful towards the gays isn't the reason for earthquakes or the 49ers sucking. I've enclosed my half of our BFF necklace. I won't be needing it anymore.
Pick: Cowboys 28 49ers 12
Tampa Bay at Detroit
Lions fans - I talked to Satan (he's in my five) and he swears he has nothing to do with this. Xenu hasn't called me back yet.
Pick: Bucs 27 Lions 17
Minnesota at Jacksonville
Thor - I wanted to congratulate you on the Vikings progress this season. I know they lost last week, but they're still very much alive in the division. See you at the barbecue in May. Latez.
Pick: Jags 18 Vikings 13
Chicago at St. Louis
Dear Penthouse - I was a young man living in the Jerusalem 'burbs when I met her at a public execution. She was the handsomest woman I ever did see, about 3 and a half cubits tall with dark brown hair and these breasts....whoops, wrong letter.
Pick: Bears 37 Rams 9
Oakland at Denver
Hey Al - Ready to apologize now?
Pick: Broncos 44 Raiders 15
Carolina at Atlanta
Diiiiiirty South - Am I not merciful? I told you to get rid of the dog rapist. You did and now look how good you are.
Pick: Falcons 28 Panthers 20
NY Giants at Arizona
KW - JC here. Don't worry. I've got your back. PS...tell Brenda thanks for the brownies.
Pick: Cardinals 41 Giants 38
Washington at Seattle
In response to your repeated inquiries about the Seahawks, Mariners, and the departure of the Sonics, remember that business with Job? Yeah...
Pick: Redskins 18 Seahawks 7
Indianapolis at San Diego
Dear Peyton - You're a douche.
Pick: Colts 31 Chargers 14
Green Bay at New Orleans
People of New Orleans - Sorry about that hurricane thing. My dad owed Falwell a solid. Poker debt. To make up for it, I got Reggie Bush out of your hair so you can have a normal offense.
Pick: Saints 34 Packers 31
8:46 PM | Comments (0) | by T.R.
The arbitrary use of technology in film: The last two movies I've seen in the theater have been Quantum of Solace and The Dark Knight. Each is obviously the second act in a "re-branded" franchise, both being a degree darker in material than its predecessor. Naturally they're action movies, so viewers are subjected to the same tightly filmed fight and chase sequences that directors have seemed to salivate over in recent years. I'll spare you my frustrations on those. What I really have qualms with are the computer-generated technology scenes where a crapload of nonsensical CGI shit flies around the room.
My two examples here are the scene in which Daniel Craig and other MI6 members walk into a white room and one agent starts moving his hands around a table, as pictures and information concerning different criminals jerk and sweep to and fro. Basically, it's like the guy with the hand-operated map on CNN's election coverage combined with the shitty CNN holograms. Except faster, and with British accents. In The Dark Knight, the same thing occurred when Morgan Freeman was monitoring cell phone conversations, just a lot of random shit happening and you couldn't make heads or tails of what they were showing, much less its significance.
The problem is that while this shit is distracting your eyes, the characters are usually saying something fairly important, and you can't make heads or tails of what is going on. In my opinion, the fancy flying graphics really take away from the dialogue. They really add nothing to the proceedings, and are clearly incorporated "just because". I long for the days of simpler technology, like in Jurassic Park. Overwhelm me with something large and meaningful, not random and insignificant distractions.
Movie Theaters in General: There are so many things that make a visit to the multiplex so fucking unenjoyable: sold out shows days in advance, assholes saving seats, people that neglect the pleas to turn off your fucking cell phone, jerkoffs that talk back to the screen and pound their fists on the armrests. I thought I had witnessed it all, until I happened to get stuck sitting behind a guy that was eating a fucking hot dog! A fucking hot dog in a movie theater! It smelled like shit and wafted right into my face! What the hell kind of society do we live in where popcorn and candy fail to satiate these fat assholes! You really need a hot dog in closed quarters you inconsiderate shit? I'm swearing off movie theaters. The large screen and enhanced audio don't make up for all the other bullshit.
Kenny Mayne: This guy still has a job? Alright, I appreciate the wit and sarcasm more than anyone. But if you're no longer an anchor, and you don't commentate games or provide studio analysis, why are you still with ESPN? You come out of hiding once a year and cover the Kentucky Derby. Maybe that's your niche, that's fine, but these little videos you have now? Not funny in the least. Hey, I appreciate your ability to milk the ESPN juggernaut for all the cash they're worth. Dancing with the Stars though? Really? If you have no shame, that's cool. Want to write more books? That's fine. Kenny, I'm just saying that you should branch off and aspire to something greater than web videos for ESPN. Didn't they learn their lesson with the Bill Simmons video cartoons? Good Lord, Kenny Mayne, Bill Simmons, and Colin Cowherd? How far has ESPN fallen?
8:59 AM | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan
Tight-rolled pants - Who ever came up with this fad really needs to be tried for war crimes. If you grew up during this time period and claim to have never tried tight-rolling your jeans or pants, then you my friend are a goddamn liar, because everyone did it at one point or another, even if it was just briefly in front of your bedroom mirror before you said, "This is fucking stupid."
However I never got the memo that it was stupid. Neither did the hundreds of other kids in my junior high. Of course at that age we're so impressionable and naive, constantly wanting to fit in and be like the most popular kids in school. I firmly believe the popular clique could have showed up one day wearing assless chaps and ballgags and we would've followed suit without question.
Thankfully this fad died out before I reached high school. Now there have apparently been recent sightings of Katie Holmes with her jeans tight rolled. SON OF A BITCH! Scientology is behind this. I should've known.
Slap Bracelets - Remember these abominations? It was a cheap metal band that was usually covered in some printed fabric. Then you slapped the band on your wrist and it would wrap around? I never quite got the point of them. Would I normally wear a bracelet? Hell no. Would I wear one that slaps around my wrist? Shit yes. These things quickly fell out of favor when consumer groups began to complain that the bracelets sharp edges were dangerous and some dumb bastard kids were cutting their wrists. Wrist cutting huh? Slap bracelets may be responsible for starting the Emo Kid trend.
Umbro Shorts - Hey, you wanna wear soccer shorts? What? No, we're not actually playing soccer, we're just gonna wear the shorts because it's cool. Another strange trend that everyone seemed to embrace, no questions asked. They weren't even that comfortable to wear. Whenever you sat down for long periods of time the nylon would stick to your sweaty legs and leave you with swamp ass.
Seriously, if you're wearing soccer shorts, and you're not playing soccer, you look like a moron. At least the kids on the short bus weren't popular, or we all would've all been wearing hockey equipment.
Lifeforms T-shirts - I will say this. I never owned a No Fear shirt, because those were "lame". However a shirt with a bungee jumping crocodile or skydiving frog on the back? Hell yes, sign me up! I had like 4 or 5 of these puppies, all of which involved some sort of reptile or amphibian doing something extreme, like they were auditioning for a Doritos commercial.
Looking back there really are no words for how incredibly stupid these shirts were. A kid wearing a Lifeforms shirt had a 45% chance of getting his ass kicked by a kid wearing a Big Johnson shirt*.
*Turned inside out of course. That and the Coed Naked shirts were the bane of every assistant principal's existence.
Another Bad Creation - Ha, you laugh, but I bet you still know the words to Iesha and Playground! I won't even bring up that other child rap group that made you wear your clothes backwards.
7:00 PM | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan
Something Old - "Exile on Main Street" by The Rolling Stones
I could drone on about how awesome this album is, but pretty much every rock critic out there has already taken care of that. "Exile" is the Stones at their country and blues apex. This is one of those albums that can be listened the whole way through without wanting to skip a single track. If you've never familiarized yourself with this classic, then it's high time that you did.
Tracks to stay tuned in for: All of them.
Something New - "Write a Letter" by A Night in the Box
Genre: Indie Rock
Take some old-fashioned blues and folk music, mix in some banjo and fiddle, and throw on some sick slide guitar and you my friends get "A Night in the Box". This Minneapolis band is one of the coolest groups I've come across in a while. Their latest release, "Write a Letter" manages to mix classic old school blues and folk music into their own blend of indie rock. Seriously though, check out the track "Let Me Know" for some killer slide guitar.
Tracks to stay tuned in for: Let Me Know, Rich Man's Table, West Texas
Something Different - "Butter 08" by Butter 08
Label: Grand Royal
Genre: Indie Rock
I dug deep in my collection to dust this one off. Butter 08 was a indie rock side project/supergroup involving the chicks from Cibo Matto, and Judah Bauer and Russell Simins from the Jon Spencer Blues Explosion along with a couple other guys. The result was this album, mixing in punk, funk, and even some quirky lounge music. A fun soundtrack for some hipster party you probably weren't cool enough to be invited to.
Tracks to stay tuned in for: 9MM, How Do I Relax?, Butterfucker
Like what you hear? Have a suggestion or recommendation? Please feel free to leave a comment.
2:00 PM | Comments (0) | by The Hundley
I'm a child of the 80's. Sure, I was born in the late 70's, but my first memories come from the 80's - "The Decade of Decadence". Huey Lewis and the boys were playing great party rock, doing tons of blow, and selling their Sports album like hotcakes. I rocked out with mom in the grocery getter, singing along to Genesis, Lionel Ritchie, and Hall and Oates.
That was all fine and great, and I loved every minute of it, but it wasn't until 6th or 7th grade that a buddy's older sister played "Welcome to the Jungle" and "Paradise City" for us. Man was I hooked. We wore that copy of a tape out, singing along to all the songs and jumping around like they did in the videos. It didn't matter that I loved singing along to "Mr Brownstone", not even realizing it was about doing heroin. It was raw and it was rock and roll.
Next came Junior High when both of the Use Your Illusion albums dropped? Shit, son. That was livin'. L-I-V-I-N. We were just as geeked as everyone else for the arrival. And damn if they didn't give us TWO albums worth of stuff to enjoy. Sure it was a bit of a change in direction, now there were pianos and synthesizers and orchestra arrangements, but this was W. Axl Rose flexing his artistic wings. Suddenly we were introduced to the "epic" GnR. "Civil War" and "November Rain". Izzy even sang a few! I would try my best to mimic his nasally tone in the school hallways by singing double talkin' jive get the money motherfucker 'cause I ain't got no more patience! They came out with a bunch of crazy videos where Izzy wasn't featured (he quit the band). Axl did a bunch of crazy shit like swim with dolphins, hide in a cave like Gollum from LOTR, or wear floral spandex shorts to a psychiatrist's office while his hands shook like something from The Exorcist. Slash took it upon himself to be all gacked out, bailed out of weddings early, and bailed from cars going off a cliff - so he could do a heavenly solo on the cliff's edge before throwing his guitar into the chasm. The videos were all "Huh?", but the music was good, and Stephanie Seymour was in them, so we overlooked the small details like that.
The tour that followed was a disaster. They had to fire their drummer because he couldn't handle his booze and drugs. (Seriously, how bad is it of you got kicked out of GnR for excessive drug use?) They frequently showed up late - like over two hours late. Axl sometimes would not go on and shows had to be canceled. Riots broke out at GnR shows in St. Louis and Montreal. Axl was turning into the biggest neurotic egomaniac ever, Slash was constantly blackout drunk, dropping f-bombs on live TV, trashing hotels, going in and out of rehabs for wrestling with the big H. Disarray.
At this point I was just thinking "What now?" The band was on indefinite hiatus. GnR had the world by the tail and now it was slipping away. In a lame attempt to throw us a bone, the record company had the boys release The Spaghetti Incident, a weak and watered down album of covers and overproduced punk rock, famous only for Axl including a song that was written by Charles Manson. Stories started to leak out about the band's dysfunction. The Use Your Illusion albums took forever to record because the band could not get along. Slash was now more interested in Slash's Snakepit. Duff McKagan almost died when his pancreas nearly exploded from years of excessive drinking. Axl was turning into a recluse and would only communicate with his band mates through a second party. In the meantime, the Seattle grunge sound came along and left GnR obsolete. For all intents and purposes, GnR died in the mid 90's, with Axl being the only remaining original member.
The remaining years have been filled with bullshit about Chinese Democracy, an album which has been in the works since 1995. Where was Slash? Where was Duff? Who is the assclown with the bucket on his head? (Oh, his name is Buckethead. Clever!) Bumblefoot? Who in the hell is he? Was he in the Blind Melon video? Holy shit, Axl got fat, got hair plugs, and started wearing his "hair" in cornrows. As patently absurd as the whole thing is, this band of Axl And His Misfits was/is still called Guns 'N Roses. Yep, Axl made sure that he had legal rights to the name. Gee, I can't figure why he's so hard to work with. GnR Lite managed to do a few live shows between sinking millions of dollars and teasing billions of cocks in making Chinese Democracy a reality. And wouldn't you know it, Axl had a problem with showing up again, and more riots ensued.
Even as a huge GnR fan, I'm not ashamed to say that I have no interest in this album. Zero. Zilch. It was only a few days ago that I even listened to any of the "music" that has leaked onto the internet in the last 15 years or so. As foolish and stubborn as this sounds, I'd probably buy it if it wasn't emblazoned with the name Guns 'N Roses. It's insulting. Axl's needs to just move on. He has damn near zero credibility right now, and if he's going to try and do this his way, he needs to move past GnR. Call the band something else. As lame as it sounds, I'd rather have as many original members back together, just being a glorified tribute band. I can't think that I'm alone in feeling this way. It's far better seeing the original thing sticking around, living off their past than seeing some guy with a cardboard receptacle on his head that was meant for holding chicken, trying to reproduce Slash's sound, or even worse, trying to infuse his virtuoso/shredder style of guitar in place of Slash's driving, melodic sound.
Axl needs to face the music and realize that the age-old adage is true - you can't polish a turd. Move on or swallow your pride and get the guys back, if they'd still come back. And please go away with this Chinese Democracy crap. This pretentious, preposterous crap thrown together only begs the question - "On what day did God create Chinese Democracy, and couldn't he have rested that day as well?"
I will never buy this album. If for some reason everyone claims to me how awesome it is, I might, might get it - by downloading it illegally of course. Fuck you, Axl. And fuck you, Guns 'N Roses Lite.
12:00 AM | Comments (0) | by Rich Funk
Notice the dark tone of the picture, along with the multiple rings, strange bracelet and heavy eye makeup. Especially notice the scowl. These are all non-verbal signs that this girl is indeed an outcast, but underneath is a gentile and caring girl, just waiting for the right
Sadly, Edward does not go by "Fast Eddie" or even "Bloodsucker Ed", both of which are reasons I will never be in charge of making a movie in my lifetime. Not to spoil anything, but if you can't tell from that douchetastic picture of Edward above, he's a vampire. But everything is ok because the Cullen family sucks the blood out of animals, not humans. So he and Bella fall in love.
James is a total badass vampire and the only one in this sordid tale worth paying attention to. He's clearly trying to bring back the "jacket with no shirt on" look made famous by Gerardo, as seen in the comparison above. But while Mr. Rico Suave was rocking the shirtless look in more humid climates, James has the undead balls to rock the look where temperatures are regularly in the 40's! Legit!
This movie is nothing than a 90 minute commercial for the 4 Twilight books, fulfilling the suppressed fantasies of countless 40-50 year old women as well as those girls in the coveted 12-16 year old demographic. Fans of the books will pitch a tent over it, some as screaming Beatlemania-esque mobs. Everyone else will go see Quantum of Solace.
6:00 PM | Comments (0) | by Governor X
Accents build character and provide you with a ready made backstory. With no identifiable accent, you could easily be confused with the local jock that has never been out of the county. An accent makes you exotic. People hear it and wonder, “hmm, is that NoDak or Minnesota? I need to find out more.”
Many Americans want an English accent. I certainly understand this. Say for instance you just watched a press conference with George Bush and Tony Blair. What right thinking person wouldn’t prefer to sound like Tony Blair? It sure gets some ladies’ motor running too. I suspect most of these women watch Sex in the City though.
I’ve often wondered which accent would be right for me. While watching The Departed and Good Will Hunting the other night, it hit me: I want a Boston accent.
I know what you’re thinking. “Good lord why? You’ve gone mad.” Nope, I’m dead serious. A Boston accent meets all my requirements.
1. It provides the backstory I mentioned.
When people hear the Boston accent, the question isn’t so much where but why. It is pretty easily identified, so people can move on to the next topic. Why is this guy here? Did he kill a drifter in “Woostah”? Did he run afoul of the Irish mob? Perhaps he is a scout for the Red Sox. The opportunities for elaborate and entertaining lies are endless.
2. It provides instant street cred.
I’m a pretty scrawny guy. I need every advantage I can get in the unlikely event of a street brawl. A thick Boston accent would tell the world I’m possibly a street tough from Southie. We’ve all seen the movies. Those guys from Southie are nuts. Provoked or not, they’ll beat you to within an inch of your life without any fear of retribution. They’re poor downtrodden Irish Catholics and have nothing to lose. You don’t want to fuck with a guy that has nothing to lose.
3. It will arouse women.
The accent in and of itself isn’t particularly sexy of course, but when hearing it, women’s minds will immediately go to Mark Wahlberg. I’m not sure why he “does it” for so many women, but he seems to do OK. In case you didn’t know ladies, that thing in Boogie Nights was a fake. Whatever though. Go with it. When I start dropping my r’s, you’ll start dropping your pants.
4. I will be able to talk to animals.
Talking to animals is more important than you think. Like fending off the street toughs, dialogue with animals could prevent unnecessary attacks. Say you’re in the woods and you see a bear. A non-accented person would have to go the old play dead route and hope the bear moves on. With a Boston accent, you could talk the bear out of the attack by saying kind things about his mother.
5. I will gain political power.
The Kennedy's have made a career wooing the public with their magnificently heavy Boston accents. You may have thought it was JFK's looks or Teddy's tireless efforts on behalf of the working man. No, its the accent. Look at their kids. The ones without the accent don't have big political careers. Poor RFK Jr. can barely speak in a coherent sentence. I can only assume he is so embarrassed about not having inherited his father's gift for speech that he lacks self-confidence.* Californian Richard Nixon (no accent) lost to JFK (accent) in 1960. Case closed.
So yes, for all these reasons and more, I want a Boston accent. How do you like dem apples?
*I, in fact, have nothing but respect for RFK Jr. and hope the rumors of him being appointed head of the EPA are true. This does not change the fact that he is not an eloquent speaker by any stretch of the imagination.
1:00 PM | Comments (0) | by Arcturus
That 'something stupid' would be the dismissal of one Kerry Wood, the longest tenured Cub. Last season, Kid K resurrected his career, rising from the ashes and casting off the barnacle of Mark Prior, by reinventing himself as a stud closer. Aside from a few blown saves and a blister that just wouldn't die, Wood was a complete badass. He even grew a top-notch Closer Beard and looked every bit the part of the 9th inning hammer the Cubs needed. Throw Carlos Marmol out there in the 8th and the Cubs had a duel pair of flamethrowers in the bottom innings that would have made Hank Scorpio proud.
So the transition from starter to stopper was made with very few hiccups. Kerry proved to Cubs fans that he wasn't a whiny little bitch like Mark Prior and that he still had the stuff to help this team put away ballgames. Like a lot of fans, I rallied to Wood and felt bad I had ever lumped him in with the USC prima donna to begin with. Kerry came up in 1998, the year I graduated from college, and it was he and Rod Beck, along with my all time favorite Cub, Mark Grace, that really made me a true Cub fan. My dad had always had his guys while I was growing up and with 1998, I finally had some guys of my own.
Last week Jim Hendry traded for Marlins' closer Kevin Gregg. I was really excited about that trade because I knew the Cubs needed some bullpen help to replace the departing Bob Howry and Gregg seemed like a great option to fill that role. But then Jim came out and said that the Cubs wouldn't be resigning Wood, that they had decided to go in a "different direction". To that, I have to say, "Are you high?" You don't let a guy like Kerry Wood walk away after ten years, not when he still has the stuff to shut down ballgames for you. Not when he's the fucking face of your franchise. Besides, how sick would a Gregg-Marmol-Wood 7-8-9 look? If I'm a Cubs starter, that looks pretty damn good to me.
Since then, it's come out that Wood would do pretty much anything to stay in Chicago, including taking a one year deal. How can the Cubs not resign this guy? I know the game is a business, but how is this good business, Mr. Hendry? This reeks of the same "don't let the door hit you in the ass" treatment that Mark Grace received after the 2000 season. And Woody is a hell of a lot more useful than Grace was at that time, so this makes no sense to me. You have a guy who's basically lights out who wants to be on this team more than anywhere else in the league, a man who could instantly make teams like say, St. Louis, better and you're willing to let him walk? I love Carlos Marmol as much as the next guy, but having Wood makes the pen that much stronger. And if his arm does explode, you have Marmol OR Gregg in the wings to take over if need be. Wood gives us a depth and more to the point, a presence in the 9th. People are scared to bat against this guy. Effectively wild works a lot better over one inning than 5-7 innings.
To sum up, Kerry Wood should be our Craig Biggio. He's proven he can be a force in the bullpen and I say the Cubs should keep him until his damn arm finally gives out for good. And Kerry's such a team player, you know he'd keep closing, pitch middle relief or batting practice, anything to stay in Cub blue. Mr. Hendry, I'm begging you, don't let this end with Kerry Wood in a Cardinal uniform. I don't want Kerry to avoid Wrigley as Grace did until the folks who let him walk were gone. After Game 7 of the 2003 NLCS, a distraught Kerry Wood told the world that he choked, when in fact he had left everything out there on the field that day. His heart is out there still. Please don't take that away, Jim.
8:00 AM | Comments (0) | by ,
1. "OMG!" Please. Stop. Using. This. It makes you sound like you're a tween girl who loves "Hannah Montana," scrunchies, and gossiping about boys. Besides, we all know that it stands for "Oh my God," so you're still taking the Lord's name in vain. Shame on you...
2. "FYI." This is an oldie that was probably around long before the text messaging craze. But it still annoys me. Why? Because I believe it's unnecessary. If you write me an e-mail that says "I'm going to lunch at 3pm," I'm still going to react the same way as if you wrote "FYI...I'm going to lunch at 3pm." Those 3 letters don't make any difference to me. I'm not going to think "Oh wow! This is for my information! I should really pay attention to this!" With or without those letters, I'm still going to read the e-mail and think "Why the hell are you telling me about your lunch plans?"
3. "K." So let me get this straight...You really don't have it in you to pronounce/write the "O," too?
4. "Cray Cray." This is often substituted for "crazy," as in "That party last night was cray cray!" I have three problems with this abbreviation: Number one, it has the same number of syllables as the word "crazy," so you're not saving yourself any time. Number two, the phrase actually has more letters than the word "crazy," so you're actually losing time if you type this. And number three, it's stupid.
5. "Natch." First of all, it sounds dirty. And secondly, the abbreviation doesn't make sense when used in certain sentences. For example, you might say "I was hungry, so naturally, I ate some food." But you can't really say "I was hungry, so natch, I ate some food." Well, you could say it...But you'd sound like a giant douche...
6. "LOLZ." What the hell is this? I can appreciate LOL. It's your way of saying "I acknowledge that you just said something funny on AIM, but I'm way too f-ing lazy to type out "that was funny," so you get an LOL." But where the hell does the "Z" come in? Laugh Out Loudz? That doesn't make any damn sense. Or does the "Z" stand for a word? Someone enlighten me. I'm too old for this shit.
7. "L8R" and "GR8." How do I know the Apocalypse is coming? We've starting putting numbers in words. So stock up on water, make sure that bomb shelter is ready, and prepare for a Lions Super Bowl win...
8. "Rents." I don't have 'rents, I pay rent.
9. "IMO." Do you think I'm a complete moron? I know it's your opinion! You're the one who's speaking!
10. "IMHO." What did you just call me?