Iron Maiden Vs. The 1908 Cubs

9:54 AM | Comments (0) | by Wolter

The world is an immense place, so immense that it requires a speed of 11.2 km/s just to escape its gravity. But Iron Maiden is an immense band, so immense that the earth itself cannot escape the pull of the Irons. Is there a force on earth powerful enough to contain these Monsters of Metal?

Only science can tell.

The Pomp Culture Thunder Matt Foundation for the Study of Speaker-Melting Rock presents its current findings in today’s installment of Iron Maiden vs. The World.

Despite the TMFFSSMR’s long standing policy of neutrality on issues of athletics (due to most Foundation Employees spending their school years carving “Maiden Rules” on their desks with their keys, in lieu of participating in organized sports), the resurrection1 of The Saloon must be acknowledged. And there’s really only one thing we know how to do: KICK IT OLD SCHOOL.

So without further ado, let’s look at the best each of these Venerable Franchises Have to offer:



The 1908 Cubs

Apparently (and I’m stunned that no major news outlet has pointed this out every goddamn time the team is mentioned in any way, shape, or form), the Chicago National League Franchise has not won a World Series in over 100 years. But, there was a time when this was not so. In fact, there was a time when the Cubs were THE most feared team in baseball.2 A time when player/manager Frank Chance could say “Whoever heard of the Cubs losing a game they had to have?” and not be greeted with the same snickers as we at the Foundation make when we say “Merkle’s Boner.”3 Yes, the 1908 Cubs are the current high-water mark of the franchise (though Carlos Zambrano’s recent mustache almost gave them a run for the money).

The 1984-1985 Irons

Sure, some will say Maiden peaked with Paul Di’Anno, but those people probably think the 2005-6 World Series weren’t cancelled for lack of interest. Di’Anno was a fantastic vocalist, and most bands would kill for his pipes, but aside from the banshee howls of Bruce Dickinson, the World Slavery Tour lineup of Maiden also included the strongest, and most stable Maiden lineup in history (maybe not that impressive, given their track record, but still…). And their live setlists included such monster songs as “Two Minutes to Midnight,” “Flight of Icarus,” “The Trooper,” “22 Acacia Avenue,” and “NUMBER OF THE BEAST,” y’all!



The Methodology

Just check here. Or here. We’re not going to hold your hands every time we release a study. Criminy.



The Battle:

Intellectual and/or Literary Merit
Despite the proud working class origins of both of these organizations, they have each had their share in inspiring great literature. After the Chicago Nationals ruthlessly pricked the gonfalon bubble of John McGraw’s hated Giants in 1910 (yes, it’s after the year in question, but it’s the same players as 1908), whiny, sissy East Coast favoring Franklin Pierce Adams wrote the storied “Baseball’s Sad Lexicon,” later renamed “Tinker to Evers to Chance” by the general public, as the original title has been deemed “ridiculously pretentious.” Of course, John McGraw himself preferred the title, “Jesus H. Christ, Why Can’t We Get a Break Against These Assholes?”

But few know just how influential Maiden have been in the development of poetry. In 1797, noted proto-metalhead Samuel Taylor Coleridge (while nodding out of his gourd on a mixture of Laudenum, Wormwood, Fermented Starling Livers, and Orange Pekoe Tea) briefly slipped out of linear time, and had a vision that he described in a letter to fellow nutcase William Blake as “A Bande of Minstryls clad in tightest Samite garments, wielding Stringed Instruments of unknown Make didst shred mine Soul with an admixture of Chordes of Power and accompanies Solos of Vast Technicality.” He later cobbled his hazy memories into the renowned poem “Aces High.” Maiden later returned the favor by putting Coleridge’s own “Rime of the Ancient Mariner” to music on their epic Powerslave album.

Sure, “Tinker to Evers to Chance” has entered the national consciousness, but it’s clearly doggerel. Coleridge is apparently a good poet, at least judging by the Maiden cover (The Foundation would research this but poetry is for Chicks)…

Advantage: Maiden.



Influence
This is a tough call. Maiden, as stated in previous entries, leads more by example than influence. Indeed most of the 90s can be seen as a reaction AGAINST 1984-85 Maiden by bands that knew they could never equal the Irons in a fair fight, and chose rather to play less technical, lo-fi music in another decade entirely.

The 1908 Cubs have a tremendous impact on culture, but localized in the Chicago area, though WGNTV provides the Cubs Diaspora with as much information as they can, as does the excellent Crazy ’08, Cait N. Murphy’s fantastic account of this legendary team, and the world they inhabited – a book that is long overdue a movie adaptation. If He’s Just Not That Into You can get a movie deal, why couldn’t something that actually has a narrative drive and actual characters? Plus, baseball historians can always look to the hectic, hotly contested game won by the Cubs when noted second baseman, dugout attorney, and all around psychopath Ty Cobb Johnny “It’s Pronounced EEvers, Dammit” Evers totally FACED Giants stooge Fred Merkle on a rules violation in awesome fashion.

This is a tough call – but like their legendary season, the Cubs squeeze by at the last minute by riding Merkle’s Boner.4

Advantage: Cubs



Image/Aesthetic

True Story: A faceless Joe Tinker haunted Franklin Pierce Adams' dreams for the rest of his life. True story: The face of Nicko McBain haunts MY dreams.
Umm…yeah….

Advantage: Cubs




Pomposity Bringing the Thunder
Well, here’s the crux of the dilemma? Who Brought the Thunder? The easy answer is: Both.

Maiden has long had a history of delivering the goods live, and the World Slavery Tour is probably their finest 500-odd hours of Goods Delivery. Epic shows in front of huge crowds with a set that resembled a 3-D version of this:

Suck it, Ramses.
…are pretty damn THUNDROUS.

But the 1908 Cubs were part of baseball’s first true dynasty – a team of winners who could beat you on the basepaths, behind the plate, from the mound, on the streets, and in the rulebook. Their best pitcher was missing a finger but overcame that handicap, their second best was named Orval but overcame that handicap, their right fielder had a hook for a hand, and their catcher was a steam-powered robot built by Nikola Tesla that belched flames and black smoke from his lifeless eyes.5 Which is pretty damn THUNDROUS in its own right.

Advantage: Push



Rocking Your Face Off

Have you HEARD the music of 1908? Not exactly awe-inspiring.

This category is a gimmie for the Irons. Sorry. Live After Death vs. the 549 Irving Berlin songs written that year? Sorry, North West Siders.

Advantage: Maiden



And this bring us to a tie score of 2/2 (with one push). Let’s see how the rotating categories play out…

Hall of Fame Members
Just as strong a gimmie for the Cubs. The legendary (though admittedly overrated) DP combination of Tinker, Evers, and Chance are all in, as is Mordecai (of the Nine Fingers) Brown – an astonishing 4/9ths of the opening day starting lineup.

Thus far, the buffoons at the so-called Rock and Roll Hall of Fame have failed to induct the 1985 Irons’ lineup, thus proving what a sham they are. This alone is proof that society is in decline.

Advantage: Cubs



Post-Glory History
Since these are both high water marks, both competitors went into the inevitable decline afterwards. Maiden expended so much effort on their tour that they didn’t release another album for nearly a year. And though their next pair of records were still face-meltingly rad, they were less face-meltingly rad than previously achieved. And it was downhill from there for many years, with Dickinson leaving, only to be replaced by veteran fill-in Ted McGinley. Indeed, it wasn’t until the early 21st century that Maiden really began their slow, Mickey Rourkesque rise from their own ashes.

The 1908 Cubs never again repeated their Series win, though they came close on several occasions. For the next 30 years, the franchise had many ups and downs, but was still a feared team for much of that time, especially the 1930s. But by the late 40s, the Cubs were under the control of an apathetic owner who didn’t care how good the team was and allowed their once proud legacy to become an even bigger joke than Metal became when grunge hit in 1992. And that owner later sold it to a huge corporation that cared even less about performance vs. profit. And the Cubs have yet to recover since.

Maiden’s Renaissance amongst hipsters and loosely-Cubs-based Pop Culture Blogs alike, combined with the fact that every member of the 1908 Cubs has either died or (in the case of Tesla’s Amazing Catching Man) long since rusted away gives the Irons a slight lead.

Advantage: Maiden



Conclusion
With a final score of 3-3 (and one push), it looks like the first tie in Iron Maiden vs. The World history. I blame Merkle. And his erection.6



Notes:

1. How the hell is there no Maiden song called “Resurrection”? It’s not like Judas Priest copyrighted the name. However, even a hypothetical Irons song called “Resurrection” would totally rule, according to TMFFSSMR’s sophisticated data modeling algorithm (The Possible Eddie Cover and Oh-My-Fucking-God-Wouldn’t-That-Be-Killer? Test of Awesomeness, or “PECOTA”).

2.Of course, there was also a time when the French army was the most powerful in the world as well.

3. Tee Hee!

4. Ibid.

5. The last two items may not be strictly true. But they are still an important part of the Myth of Our National Pasttime.

6. There is NOTHING funny about Priapism. NOTHING.

Bartender Banter: Spring is Here

10:10 AM | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan

Never mind that it's still February. The Cubs played their first Spring Training game yesterday, therefore Spring has officially begun in my book.

We're still getting settled back in at the Saloon here and I thought I would update our readers with some odds and ends.
  • As you can see the Saloon is back and with a new look. Actually it's the same look ripped from our other blog we shall no longer name. One of the new perks is the little ratings option for folks to rate our posts. This will serve as a way for us to see what you like and dislike and strive to provide better content for you in the future....... Nah, that's a bunch of bullshit. The ratings system is just to stroke our own egos and vote 1 on posts that are not our own to piss each other off.
  • Baseball is back in swing and so comes the annual TMS baseball previews. This year we'll be doing things differently, posting a team each weekday for the next month. The first preview debuts Monday as Dave Thomas will cover the California Angels.
  • Also coming in the next week or so will be the TMS fantasy baseball rankings. I had started them on the other blog and plan to provide a full post with each position ranked. Stay tuned for that in the very near future.
  • As I mentioned the Cubs played their first ST game yesterday, which was highlighted by Micah Hoffpauir hitting a grand slam. It's good to know that if something were to happen to Derrek Lee that we got a better option than John Mabry to back him up this time.
  • Thunder Matt Murton is in Colorado now and I know some of you are wondering if we'll still keep tabs on him. You're god damn right we will. The Thunder Matt Trophy Room has been cold and lonely lately. It's about time we see some more pitchers' mugs plastered in there.
  • Did you hear? Old Style is being kraeusened again! I just got my first 12 pack of it yesterday. A TMS Beer Project is sure to follow. All I can say right now is that if the sound of angels singing had a flavor, it would be this.
  • At no point can I see myself this season saying the words, "Oh good, Aaron Miles is up."
  • Much like Chuck Norris and bacon, the undying love for mustaches has reached such a ridiculous level of hype that it has become overrated in a sense. Yet I have to say if anyone is going to rock a 'stache with authority it would be Fat Z. Unfortunately he shaved it off. Not that he isn't intimidating enough on the mound as it is, but the mustache would've been the icing on the cake.
  • Sure their weren't any big "knock your dick in the dirt" offseason moves this winter, but I don't get why folks are so down about it. Yeah Milton Bradley was our biggest signing, but look at how much other stuff we unloaded. No more Jason Marquis, Ronny Cedeno, Bob Howry? That just saved me a little extra cash on Maalox this season.
  • Best new album I've heard recently: Hold Time by M. Ward. Go check it out.
¡Viva Zambrano Bigotudo!

American Idol Update: Week 2

11:00 PM | Comments (0) | by Governor X

Welcome back to Pomp...err, The Saloon where we're following American Idol Season 35 or whatever it is now. Alexis, Danny, and Michael snuck through last week. Danny and Michael were truly awful, so Alexis' tepid performance seems good by comparison.

No time to point out how much Fantasia sucks today, lets get right into it. Here's my round-up of the karaoke followed by the Paulaism of the week:

Jasmine Murray - Shouldn't the Billboard Top 100 be songs that people know? I don't recall ever hearing this before. I'm going to guess whoever sang it originally wasn't trying this hard though. Typical lame start to the show.

Matt Giraud - He's a dueling piano player from Kalamazoo, whatever the hell that is. Viva la Vida by Coldplay with a dash of faux whiteboy wannabe soul. Birthing a yard gnome probably wouldn't be as painful as this. We have an early contender for tonight's worst.

Jeanine Vailes - Jeanine is a transvestite right? Definitely getting a Ru Paul vibe here. Bad singer too. Like Bobby Jindal bad. Even Paula can't say anything good about this performance and she's completely hopped up on digitalis and vicodin right now.

Nick Mitchell - The comedian is performing as alter ego Norman Gentle. Too bad for him he's about as funny as a bag of dead puppies. I can't even give him points for being bad. It doesn't count if you try to suck.

Allison Iraheta - The obnoxious sixteen year old who sounds like she's been smoking for sixty years attempts to sing Heart's Alone. She's OK, but the stage act has got to go. Her total disdain for Seacrest is refreshing though.

Kris Allen - I can't find the words to describe how boring this guy is. This must be what being thrown in "the hole" in prison is like. Just sitting there rocking yourself and going insane, staring blankly at the bare walls...

Megan Corkrey - Her son is named Ryder. That's a truck rental company, not a name. What the hell is wrong with people? I hate the song she's singing so much I can't give you an honest opinion on her.

Matt Breitzke - Shockingly enough, we may actually have our first good singer of the new season. It only took two weeks and twenty people or so. The judges still think he can sing but don't like the song. Oh well.

Jesse Langseth - You know she's interesting when her label is "the single mom". She has a very prominent forehead. Utterly forgettable. I think I'm back in "the hole".

Kai Kalama - He starts out singing OK, but then it just deteriorates and goes nowhere. He's also way too much of a dude. We already have one Jack Johnson and that's one too many since we all know his music will cause random post office and restaurant shootings one day.

Mishavonna Henson - Any day I don't hear Drops of Jupiter, it's been a good day. No such luck this noche.

Adam Lambert - This guy is emo, but wears a lot of Mr. T bling. The only thing more confused than his look is his sexuality. To top it off, his version of Satisfaction is so horrendous Mick Jagger died just so he could roll over in his grave.

The two hour idol marathons have got to stop. Does Fox really not have anything else to put on? God help you if you watch the results show, that means three hours of your week is devoted to this crap. At least two good singers slipped in the mix tonight. I can only assume this is an oversight on the producers' part. For those of you voting for the worst, I suggest Matt Giraud and his Vanilla Ice Viva la Vida performance. If you want to vote for someone good, you actually have a guy and a girl this week. Matt Breitzke and Allison Iraheta both showed some promise. And now, here's tonight's Paulaism. GOVERNOR X OUT.

I think you can sing the telephone book.

Chaiming In: Anti-Climatic Comeback Edition

1:34 PM | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz

Like Favre with Jets and Jordan with Wizards, The Saloon is back after a brief and hastily planned retirement . Better than ever? This is highly doubtful. Like that aging athlete that hangs around longer than he should, our skills are lacking but we have the heart of a champion. And thanks to performance enhancing drugs, our recovery time is outstanding.

Since the announcement of our return via most of the major media outlets, I have been flooded with emails. Some of these has been of the sexual variety, which is to be expected, but others have concerned the direction of the site.

-Will you still cover the Ginger Giant?
-What ever happened to that Daft Funk guy? Is he deceased?
-Does Tommy Buzanis still refuse to sign up for an Debit card on the basis that 'cash is king' and 'strippers don't take plastic'?
-What is the site's plan for stimulating both the economy and my privates?
-Will we see the return of some of the Saloon's beloved characters and columns at the expense of consistent Cubs coverage?

Dear reader, the answer to all of those questions, even the ones that aren't yes/no questions, is 'yes'. Expect our Cubs coverage to be woefully spotty, our post frequency to be as erratic as Ronald McDonald's driving after a half dozen rum-infused Shamrock Shakes and all of our posts to be esoteric and random enough to scare away even the most open-minded (see: high) readers.

So welcome back. Tell all your friends and your arch-rivals too. We have a lot of hands on deck and we look forward to servicing all of you.

An Open Letter to Professional Athletes

7:00 AM | Comments (0) | by Arcturus

With Marshawn Lynch being the most recent poster boy for professional athletes busted for stupidity, I felt the need to draft this letter to all the other young stars out there, whether in a professional league or still a wet behind the ears college or high school star.

Look, I understand that you're young. There's lots of pressure on you from coaches, your friends, your parents, whatever. However, there seem to be a of of young athletes out there succumbing to their inner dumbass and engaging in illegal and dangerous activities. To this I say that you guys need to apply the Fundie philosophy on premarital sex (or anything fun, really) and JUST DON'T DO IT. AKA The Arcturus Wait Until You're Retired Plan.*

Things to Avoid:

1. Guns-I can't stress this enough. Leave the arsenals to Ted Nugent, okay? I understand the fascination. I grew up on action movies as well. Guns are cool. I got it. But you're a pro athlete, not an extra in Red Dawn. And what's the deal with all the illegal firearms? For Chrissake, you guys are millionaires. You can't afford a fucking gun license? And a holster? Who carries a gun in their flipping sweatpants? What does a damn holster cost, 2o bucks? Just wait until you retire. Then you can buy a cruise missile for all I care. Look, I understand you want to protect yourself and your stuff now that you're rich. That's why you get a couple of bodyguards. Professional bodyguards, not the two chuckleheads you went to high school with who shot squirrels for fun. Which brings us to #2:

2. Friends aka barnacles aka hangers on aka losers who are costing you money. Look, I have friends, too. I understand the urge here. You hit it big and you wanna bring your boys with you, show them a taste of the good life. But we've all had friends who are just bad news. They're the guys still thinking their life is gonna turn out like it does on TV. They're still living with their folks, dreaming about the day they'll hit it big. They haven't grown up. It's up to you to be the grown up and that means not enabling dipshits like this. Because they will fuck up your life, your finances, and your image. (Special note here: I'm not black. I can never understand about the 'hood and the bond that you guys have growing up. I'm not here to claim that I ever will. I can't understand the thug life, but I understand the attraction to it is strong and the desire not to appear weak is strong. But you gotta let it go, man. Like everything else, that will be there when your career is over too and you can return to it at that point if you choose to. But don't let it end your career.) In the long run, these guys are only your buddies until your money runs out. God, just look what happened to Elvis. He bought all those Cadillacs for his boys and nobody bothered to make sure he wasn't mixing the wrong pills together.

3. Dangerous Hobbies-Again, I understand. You've got money to blow and there's lots of shiny shit out there to tempt you. As an athlete you have this urge to pit yourself and your body against nature, man, semi-trucks, hell-even the Almighty himself. You're invincible, a golden god. But I implore you, please stop with the dumbass hobbies and pastimes. So no bungee jumping, alligator wrestling, or their equivalents. Like riding motorcycles without a helmet. I'm looking at you, Roethlisberger. If you want a motorcycle, I'm cool with that. Buy one. Fuck it, buy ten. Just don't ride it. If you have to, go out in the garage and sit on it. Hell, fire that bad boy up so it makes your nuts vibrate. But wait until you retire to take that sucker out. At that point, you can ride it naked and it won't matter. Break every bone in your body, it's not going to cost you time on the DL or void your contract. Or make me wanna smack you around for wasting your God given talent screwing around.

4. Illegal Activities-This should be a no-brainer. Hey, I think pot should be legal. But it's not and until it is, I'm not gonna smoke it. I'm not going to jail to be passed around like Miley Cyrus at the Disney After-Oscar party. Not gonna happen. Again, I know that there's temptation. You can afford to buy anything you want and you don't even have to look for a dealer anymore. They find you. After you retire, you can plant your own marijuana field and smoke it all. Until then, stay clean, son. And DUI's are about the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard of. You make more money than Jesus and yet you're driving yourself home after a night of clubbing, fucking, and drinking. What's the matter with you? In Step #1, we hired bodyguards. Here in Step#4, the solution is to hire a driver. Again, a real driver, not your cousin Elroy or the douchebag who's nailing your sister this week. Those guys will just drink with you and you'll end up driving anyway. You want the guy who wears a uniform and stays with the car. If it makes you happy, he can have a gun, too. Licensed. Are you listening, Marshawn? Ask yourself this: if you just laid down a quarter mil for a Bentley do you want a drunk guy driving it home or the guy from The Transporter? What do you think, Dontrelle?

Think about it. How long do you think the career of the average pro athlete lasts? If you're a running back in football, you're going to be lucky if you play past thirty. You might get a couple of semi-decent years in a platoon after that, but even thirty-two ain't all that old. You'll still have plenty of time to do all the crazy shit you want to do now. Not everyone gets to be Brett Farve or Julio Franco. Most of us never get the chance to be pro athletes or live out our dreams. Savor every moment and leave a lasting legacy. If you follow the Arcturus plan of Wait Until You're Retired, you can have a productive athletic career and then tear it up when you quit.

*Also applies to professional musicians and actors.

We're Back!

11:32 AM | Comments (0) | by White Chili

Much like the phoenix rises from the ashes, we have returned! No, not the mythical bird of flame; I'm talking about Joaquin Phoenix. Sometimes change is a good thing. Like a new president or what you find crumpled at the bottom of your pocket after stopping for a late night burrito. In this case, our short-lived illustrious career of rapping about food and reality television didn't quite pan out. Everybody needs a little vacation from time to time but with spring training just getting started, it was a perfect opportunity to come back.

(cue unexpected Steve Austin theme)


Expect more of what brought you here in the first place: hard-hitting reporting, dramatic scoops about trades and other breaking news, and constant updates about our facial hair.

With a larger and more* talented staff at our disposal, we won't ever again be forced to abandon our loyal fan(s) just for the sake of drumming up a little dramatic controversy. Now let's all pour a little bit of our drink on the floor of the saloon and never speak of this again.

*less

Don't tempt us

Underrated: Hamburger Helper

4:05 PM | Comments (0) | by Arcturus

There's been a lot of posts here of late espousing fancy recipes and cooking. I've got no beef with that, as I myself am the primary chef in my household. I enjoy cooking culinary delights as much as the next guy, but I feel there's also something to be said for simplicity.

As an income and time challenged American, sometimes there's nothing finer than whipping out a box of Hamburger Helper. It's perfect for nights when you don't have a lot of time to cook and when you're not craving an elaborate feast. It's pretty awesome to think that the ingredients for an entire meal are contained in one tiny box. And if you're craving variety, hell, they've got you covered. Mexican, Italian, and American dishes are well represented in the Hamburger Helper lineup. And just on the grocery shelves is the new addition, Asian Helper! Hell to the Yeah. I made Mongolian Beef for the wife and I the other night. Good stuff, people.

The best thing about Hamburger Helper is that any dope can make it. If you've mastered the basic principles of stirring, you too can make Hamburger Helper. And what meal is more unassuming? All they ask you to provide is dead cow! Maybe some water or milk. Unless you're a hobo, you either have or can easily obtain these ingredients. So tonight skip that gourmet meal, go down to the Pic N' Save and pick up a box of Hamburger Helper. Think how much more time you'll have to read Thunder Matt's Saloon and look for midget porn.

American Idol Update: Week 1

12:26 AM | Comments (0) | by Governor X

Its been a month since American Idol returned, but even with three shows a week they haven't really done anything yet. That changed Tuesday as the auditions and gimmicky Hollywood Week drama are finally over and the karaoke started for real. All is right with the world: Paula is clearly doped up on booze and painkillers and the sexual tension between Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell is as intense as ever. I'm also happy to announce the envelopes full of white powder from Fantasia's fan (she only has the one) have stopped coming.

Tonight's theme is songs of the Billboard Hot 100...of all time. Way to narrow it down. Why even have a theme? On to the contestants. If I understand the new rules correctly, nine of these slack jawed assholes are going home:

Jackie Tohn - ...and they're off. Off to a horrific start too! Jackie sings a terrible Elvis song so poorly I thought a giraffe was dying. To top it off, she looks like she should be buying Skoal at an Albuquerque 7-11 at 3am after pleasuring truckers at the Super 8.

Ricky Braddy - The man with the fauxhawk busts out some fauxsoul. Simon correctly points out he has the personality of a jar of peanut butter.

Alexis Grace - This girl is kind of cute, but three contestants in and I've already had it with white people singing soul music. Who has Paula in the death league? She's babbling incoherently again. Something about big sound in a small body. Her overdose may come before next season.

Brent Keith - First his video won't load and then he sings something called "Hicktown". White trash opera. Live's Shit Town would have been better. FAIL.

Stevie Wright - She was 9 when the show started. God damn I feel old. She could also be Bristol Palin's stunt double. I have no clue what she's singing, but its not bad. Of course the judges hate it. Apparently they're looking for crap. Oh yeah, Fantasia won this contest. They are looking for crap.

Anoop Desai - I'm not sure, but I think this guy played Kumar. The first real dose of AM radio schlock of the night. What 22 year old picks Angel of Mine? One who wants granny panties thrown at him in Laughlin, that's who.

Casey Carlson - Oh joy, a Police song. The Elaine Benes dancing isn't going to help her chances either. When Paula says its bad, you know its bad. She's toast.

Michael Sarver - Big dumb Okie singing a big dumb country song. Next.

Ann Marie Boskovich - Malkovich? She's pretty agreeable looking - unfortunately her song Natural Woman reminds me of a tampon commercial. Ted Danson is in the audience. He'll be this season's crying girl.

Stephen Fowler - How the hell does a guy who forgets the words to the song make it to the contest? Lame. Not as lame as his version of Rock With You though.

Tatiana Del Toro - She's an attention whore, so I'm going to talk about something else. Ryan Seacrest is creepy. His "natural" interaction with the contestants and judges is so freakishly rehearsed its possible he is a robot. A gay robot.

Danny Gokey - Hero by Mariah Carey. Are you fucking kidding me dude? Paula busts out the quote of the night: "I have two words with a hyphen - sold out arenas." Okay then.

Wow. That was a terrible opening night. If you're voting for the worst, then there are plenty of choices for you. For my money it doesn't get any worse than Jackie's tornado bait white trash Elvis homage. If you want to vote for someone good, I don't know what to tell you. Stevie was the least awful singer of the night I guess. Hopefully next week is better.

I have two words with a hyphen - sold out arenas.

My Recipe Can Beat Your Recipe Up: Chicken Parmesan & Homemade Garlic Bread

6:00 AM | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz

With the sweet smell of romance and carnal passions still lingering in the air from Valentine's Day, I figured I would throw my lace panties into the ring and share this erotically charged recipe that I just cooked for the aforementioned holiday. Unlike some recent Pomp Culture forays into the food arena, this one will make women swoon and put some hair on your shaved chest. This recipe screams passion and desire, whereas Tarragon Carrots and Fried Rice scream serial killer and lonely despair.

This one is significantly more complicated and requires more pans, hands and rugged determination. Sack up (both figuratively and with groceries) and get ready to have your culinary world rocked. Gordon Ramsey would f*&#ing love it.

Chicken Parmesan

1/4 cup olive oil
1 medium onion, chopped
2 garlic gloves, minced
2 (Jason) bay leaves
1/2 cup kalamata olives, pitted (if you don't like olives you can leave em off, but these things rock)
1/2 bunch fresh basil
2 (28 oz) cans of whole peeled tomatoes, drained and hand crushed
Salt and Pepper (it also helps if you're listening to the rap sensation, Salt N' Peppa)
4 boneless chicken boobs
1/2 cup all-purpose flour (for God's Sakes, make sure it's all-purpose!)
2 large eggs, lightly beaten
1 tbsp water
1 cup dried bread crumbs
8 oz of fresh buffalo mozzarella, water drained (this makes it magic)
Freshly grated Parmesan cheese
1 lb spaghetti, cooked al dente

Directions
:

Coat a saute pan in olive oil and turn heat to medium. When it gets hot, add the onions, garlic and (Jason) bay leaves; cook for about cinco minutos. Add the olives and some hand-torn basil. Add the tomatoes (you should have already hand-smashed these like an Italian grandmother); be careful when you dump them in, because they splash and get on your white shirt, which makes you curse wildly, which could ruin the moment. Cook for 15 minutes until thick and season with salt, pepper, a dash of sugar and of course, love.

While this is cooking, get the chicken ready. Put the breasts on a cutting board, cover them with a piece of plastic wrap and then beat the hell out of them with a meat mallet. I didn't have a meat mallet, so I used the handle of knife sharpener. This is potentially dangerous. They should be about 1/2 inch thick. Put the flour in a shallow (grave) platter and season with salt, pepper. Mix together. In a separate bowl, beat the eggs and water together until frothy like a rabid dog. Dump the bread crumbs on a third plate (this one can be of the paper variety to save on clean up) and season with salt, pepper and maybe some Parmesan if you're feeling saucy.

Get out a kick ass pan (a large cast iron skillet is ideal)and heat 3 tablespoons of oil over a medium flame. I ended up needing a lot more oil than this, so start with 3 and go from there. Dredge both sides of the chicken first in flour, then the egg mix and then the bread crumbs mixture. When the oil is hotter than hell, add the cutlets and cook for 4 minutes on each side or until golden brown. You might need two skillets for this. I did it in one, but it took a lot longer than 4 minutes since I crowded them in there.

Then, assuming that you are using a skillet that is oven ready, just ladle the sauce over the chicken directly in the pan (turn off the heat). Break the mozzarella ball into chunks and place liberally atop the concoction. Also sprinkle with as much or as little Parmesan and basil (careful with that stuff) as you'd like. Throw that bad boy into the oven (Preheat at 450) and cook for 15 minutes, until the mozzarella is bubbly. If you don't have a oven ready skillet, just transfer it from the skillet/pan to a more traditional baking/casserole pan before you put it in the oven. Serve atop spaghetti, which I'm not going to tell you how to cook.

I served this with homemade garlic bread. I bought a loaf of Vienna bread, and cut the bread diagonally (without cutting through the bottom) into 1-inch thick slices with a serrated knife. You can then spread whatever you'd like onto the slices. I combined 1/2 stick of softened butter, 2 teaspoons garlic, 1 tablespoon olive oil and 2 tablespoons of basil together and used that. Wrap it in foil and throw that in the oven, opening the foil for the last 5 minutes. The recipe called for 15 minutes at 350 (plus another 5 minutes unwrapped), but I just threw it in with the Chicken Parmesan at 450 and kept my eye on it. About 10 minutes and then another 5 with the foil unwrapped.

Serve with copious amounts of wine and enjoy.

NBA All Star Game Highs & Lows

1:34 AM | Comments (0) | by Governor X

Last night, the West beat the East 146-119 in the NBA's annual All Star Game. Kobe Bryant and Shaq split the MVP honors. Here are the highs and lows, somewhat grouped by theme:

High - Craig Sager's pink sofa fabric coat.
The first thing I see when I turn TNT on is pimptastic Craig Sager decked out in a pink sport coat which could have been made out of my late great-grandmother's curtains or sofa. Get me the number of that man's tailor.

Low - Endless discussion of Allen Iverson's hair.
When someone with short hair gets a haircut, its not news. Frankly, when anyone gets a haircut it isn't news. Unless it's Britney Spears shaving her head. Then it's celebrity gossip. Either way, keep it off my basketball broadcast.

High - Jordin Sparks singing the national anthem.
Since she already sings it at every major sporting event in Arizona, I suggest we just let her do it before all big games held throughout the year. No one out there today does it better.

Low - Grant Hill's wife singing Oh Canada in French.
Hearing Oh Canada before the game is bad enough, but hearing it in French? In Phoenix? No. Just no. Damned Canadians with their flapping heads and beady eyes...

High - Shaq's entrance.
Shaq has always been of my favorites, even when he was on the friggin Lakers and his goofy entrance wearing a mask and dancing with JabbaWockeeZ got the evening off to a fun start.

Low - H-O-R-S-E becoming G-E-I-C-O.
I was genuinely excited when I heard the NBA was bringing H-O-R-S-E to All Star weekend. Then I heard they sold out to Geico and that bloody British lizard. One day I'll see his little green head on a pike.

High - Dwight Howard
Dwight Howard has quickly become one of my favorite players in the league and his performance in the dunk contest and in the game were spectacular as expected. He got robbed in the dunk contest though. Hard to top last year's Superman I guess.

Low - Third straight All Star snub of Deron Williams.
In his short NBA career, Williams has already proven to be one of the finest young guards in the game. With Boozer and AK47 out, Williams' has practically carried the Jazz on his shoulders. The absence of this kid in the All Star game is a disgrace.

High - An opportunity to appreciate Kobe Bryant.
When you're a Lakers hater in Lakers country, you don't get many opportunities to admit Kobe can be fun to watch. Here's my chance. Kobe is fun to watch. Some of the moves he makes defy the laws of physics as I know them.

Low - Tim Duncan and Tony Parker-Longoria
In contrast with Kobe and most of the other All Stars, Tim Duncan is like watching a snail ooze its way across the sidewalk after a spring rainstorm. He's so boring I just fell asleep writing about him. Tony Parker-Longoria? Well, I just don't like him. Listen to his French rap and you won't like him either.

High - The game itself.
The NBA's All Star game is the only one in the three major sports that is worth watching. For pure fun, it can't be beat. MLB took every bit of fun out of theirs when they "made it count" and also, as an NL fan, not winning one since 'Nam has grown tiresome. The NFL's Pro-Bowl is a complete sham. Half the guys don't show up and then they ones who do play like two series. Nuts to that.

The NBA has it right. The game is pure entertainment. Its our chance to watch the league's best (minus Deron Williams) run around having fun and dropping 120+ on each other. Better still? The coaches let the big guys play most of the game. If you didn't watch it, you missed out.

Game photos were found on Daylife.com.

Top Five: European NBA Players of the 1980's

4:08 PM | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan

In a complete ripoff of "High Fidelity" I will be doing my own Top 5 lists of various items. The subjects of these lists will be ones provided to me on a whim from different people. I will concoct my top 5 regardless if I have any knowledge of said subject matter or not. Just remember that in the end, my list is right and I'm better than you.

Today's subject: Top 5 European NBA Players of the 1980's.

...and GO!

#5 - Detlef Schrempf
Schrempf was a bomber from long range. He formed a 3-point shooting powerhouse with Reggie Miller on NBA Jam. Schrempf also looked like Guile from Street Fighter II or perhaps James Keach's character from The Experts.

#4 - Vlade Divac
Really one of the first European players that I remember seeing. Thankfully it wasn't "smelling".

#3 - Mark Eaton
Actually he's not European. But god damn, he looks a monster from another dimension or planet. Mark Eaton's daily diet includes one small child.


#2 - Drazen Petrovic
Very much ahead of his time. Drazen really paved the way for future European players in the NBA. Died in a car crash before it was considered cool for basketball players to do so. Bobby Hurley tried and failed.

#1 - Rony Seikaly
Nicknamed "The Spin Doctor" for his love of the album Pocket Full of Kryptonite. That or because of some move he did under the hoop, I don't remember. Why is Rony #1? Because he banged Elsa Benitez, that's why. How many hot models have you been with? I rest my case.

Think you have a better top 5 than me? Post it in the comments. At the very least, we can see who can come up with the second best list.

Pomp Culture Fantasy Baseball Preview 2009: Outfield Rankings

11:30 AM | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan

It's that time of year again. Pitchers and catchers are reporting, so it's time to start putting together your cheat sheets for a new season of fantasy baseball. Over the next couple weeks I will be giving you my top players at each position. Position eligibility is determined by the guidelines set by Yahoo Fantasy Baseball (5 games started or 10 games played for hitters, 3 starts for starting pitchers and 5 relief appearances for relief pitchers) unless otherwise stated. Please feel free to discuss in the comments.

OUTFIELD


RK PLAYER, TEAMRK
PLAYER, TEAM
1. Ryan Braun, MIL
31.
Jermaine Dye, CHW
2. Grady Sizemore, CLE
32.
Vernon Wells, TOR
3. Carlos Beltran, NYM
33.
Raul Ibanez, PHI
4. Josh Hamilton, TEX
34.
Ryan Ludwick, STL
5. Matt Holliday, OAK
35.
Brad Hawpe, COL
6. Alfonso Soriano, CHC
36.
Andre Ethier, LAD
7. B.J. Upton, TB
37.
Chris Young, ARI
8. Carlos Lee, HOU
38.
Conor Jackson, ARI
9. Manny Ramirez, FA
39.
Lastings Milledge, WAS
10. Nick Markakis, BAL
40.
Jayson Werth, PHI
11. Carl Crawford, TB
41.
Xavier Nady, NYY
12. Alex Rios, TOR
42.
Milton Bradley, CHC
13. Carlos Quentin, CHW
43.
Pat Burrell, TB
14. Jason Bay, BOS
44.
Rick Ankiel, STL
15. Matt Kemp, LAD
45.
Delmon Young, MIN
16. Ichiro Suzuki, SEA
46.
Carlos Gomez, MIN
17. Curtis Granderson, DET
47.
Mark DeRosa, CLE
18. Vladimir Guerrero, ANA
48.
Justin Upton, ARI
19. Nate McLouth, PIT
49.
Coco Crisp, KC
20. Jacoby Ellsbury, BOS
50.
Carlos Guillen, DET
21. Bobby Abreu, ANA
51.
Willy Taveras, CIN
22. Magglio Ordonez, DET
52.
Mike Cameron, MIL
23. Shane Victorino, PHI
53.
Shin-Soo Choo, CLE
24. Corey Hart, MIL
54.
Adam Jones, BAL
25. Alexei Ramirez, CHW
55.
David DeJesus, KC
26. Hunter Pence, HOU
56.
Elijah Dukes, WAS
27. Adam Dunn, WAS
57.
Nelson Cruz, TEX
28. Torii Hunter, ANA
58.
Cameron Maybin, FLA
29. Johnny Damon, NYY
59.
Fred Lewis, SF
30. Jay Bruce, CIN
60.
Adam Lind, TOR

Just missed the list: J.D Drew BOS, Nick Swisher NYY, Eric Byrnes ARI, Denard Span MIN, Jeff Francoeur ATL, Juan Pierre LAD, Randy Winn SF, Hideki Matsui NYY, Michael Bourn HOU, Jason Kubel MIN

Pomp Culture Fantasy Baseball Preview 2009: Shortstop Rankings

12:22 PM | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan

It's that time of year again. We're days away from pitchers and catchers reporting, so it's time to start putting together your cheat sheets for a new season of fantasy baseball. Over the next couple weeks I will be giving you my top players at each position. Position eligibility is determined by the guidelines set by Yahoo Fantasy Baseball (5 games started or 10 games played for hitters, 3 starts for starting pitchers and 5 relief appearances for relief pitchers) unless otherwise stated. Please feel free to discuss in the comments.

SHORTSTOP

Alexei Ramirez and Felipe Lopez are qualified at SS on Yahoo.

RK PLAYER, TEAM
1. Hanley Ramirez, FLA
2. Jose Reyes, NYM
3. Jimmy Rollins, PHI
4. Alexei Ramirez, CHW
5. Derek Jeter, NYY
6. Stephen Drew, ARI
7. Michael Young, TEX
8. Troy Tulowitzki, COL
9. Rafael Furcal, LAD
10. Jhonny Peralta, CLE
11. J.J. Hardy, MIL
12. Miguel Tejada, HOU
13. Yunel Escobar ATL
14. Orlando Cabrera, FA
15. Mike Aviles, KC
16. Ryan Theriot, CHC
17. Edgar Renteria, SF
18. Felipe Lopez, ARI
19. Cristian Guzman, WAS
20. Khalil Greene, STL
21. Jason Bartlett, TB
22. Jed Lowrie, BOS
23. Yuniesky Betancourt, SEA
24. Asdrubal Cabrera, CLE
25. Elvis Andrus, TEX
26. Clint Barmes, COL
27. Maicer Izturis, ANA
28. Bobby Crosby, OAK
29. Erick Aybar, ANA
30. Brandon Wood, ANA

Just missed the list: Marco Scutaro TOR, Nomar Garciaparra FA, Emmanuel Burriss SF, Nick Punto MIN, Jack Wilson PIT, Cesar Izturis BAL

Governor X's Kitchen: Fried Rice

12:01 AM | Comments (0) | by Governor X

This week the Governor is back in the kitchen cooking up the perfect dish for any gaijin who wants to impress his little China Girl (just you shut your mouth...SHHHHHHHHHHH).

After the rousing success of tequila lime chicken, I'm going to try another favorite. Today's recipe is lazy man's fried rice. The inspirational chef for today's dish is none other than snuff porn aficionado and host of the original Iron Chef, Chairman Kaga. He is not, as the legends claim, dead from fugu poisoning.

To make this you are going to need 2 cups of rice, olive oil, 2 eggs, a shallot, a green onion, soy sauce and oyster sauce, so hop on the bike and battle off to Whole Foods to make sure you have everything.

Cook up a batch of plain white rice the night before. This is the perfect thing to do around midnight after two or three cans of Tecate. Your neighbors will probably think you're a stoner, but if you're reading this blog, you probably are. Rice can be deceptively hard to make, but do your best. Boil 3 cups of water and then stir in 2 cups of dry rice. Putting a drop of oil in the water helps keep the rice from sticking. Cover and simmer, stirring periodically, until the rice is moist and the water is gone. Fifteen minutes ought to be sufficient. This will yield generous amounts to use for the next day's fried rice. Refrigerate it and do whatever it is you do until dinner the next day. Me? I stayed up drinking more beer, passed out around 3, woke up around 10, and read a book about food rationing in Cuba.

The first thing you need to do is finely chop one green onion and grate 1/4th of the shallot. When that is done, beat the two eggs. Put a little oil in the pan and warm, pouring the eggs in when ready. Scramble them. This should take no more than 2-3 minutes. Don't let the egg get rubbery. When they're ready, remove the pan from the heat.

Recipes always say to use a wok, but I don't have one. A large non-stick pot worked just fine. Put a little oil in the bottom of the pan and warm. Dump your cooked rice in and start breaking it up. When its no longer clumpy, add about 1 tablespoon of oyster sauce and stir in. Then add soy sauce. I can't really be specific as to how much. I pour enough in to make the rice brown after I stirred it in, but you can certainly add more. Enjoy the high blood pressure though. Keep stirring the rice for a minute or so, then add the scrambled egg, green onion, and shallot. Stir it all together for a few minutes with the heat to thoroughly mix the flavors and you're ready to go.

You can add anything you want beyond this. Personally, I pick most of the shit they add like carrots out anyway, so I find it delicious like this. You can always pre-cook chicken, shrimp, or any other meat and mix that in as well. Its your call. Now fuck off...

Childhood Favorites: Weird Science

9:18 PM | Comments (0) | by T.R.

A couple weeks ago it was revealed that my spouse had never seen the Anthony Michael Hall vehicle, 'Weird Science'. Having not seen it myself in over 15 years, I thought it would be a great opportunity to revisit one of my favorite movies as a kid. Unfortunately, some things are better left dead.

There's a reason you don't see 'Weird Science' in the TNT rotation along with 'Road House' and 'Teen Wolf'. I'm not sure that I can confidently explain what that reason is, but suffice it to say that this is not the masterpiece you might remember. I'm not even talking about the far-fetched premise of creating a smoking-hot woman out of a 1985 computer. That may have been the most believable aspect of the film. The missile that randomly spouts from the foundation of the house during the climactic party scene? Bill Paxton being turned into a poor man's Jabba the Hut? The fact that this movie starred a one Ilan Mitchell-Smith? You'll remember him as the nerd that wasn't Anthony Michael Hall. He gave up acting in 1991 and is now an assistant professor of English at Angelo State University. That was probably a wise move.

Despite the presence of Robert Downey Jr. in the early throes of substance abuse, and one scene at a blues bar where the boys reminisce about "great big titties" with their elder African American statesmen, this movie offered nothing. Bras on their heads? The random motorcycle gang that crashes the party? Again, the missile? State of the art mid-'80s computer graphics? Ilian Mitchell-Smith walking around in women's underwear?

All in all, 'Weird Science' gave us very few laughs. The wife pretty much sat through it stone-faced as I tried in vain to make excuses. It did not prove to be the quintessential '80s film that I remembered, and was probably one of the worst John Hughes flicks. The lesson? Don't blindly pledge allegiance to movies from your childhood. Well, except maybe 'Flight of the Navigator'.

Pomp Culture Fantasy Baseball Preview 2009: Third Base Rankings

6:05 PM | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan

It's that time of year again. We're about a week away from pitchers and catchers reporting, so it's time to start putting together your cheat sheets for a new season of fantasy baseball. Over the next couple weeks I will be giving you my top players at each position. Position eligibility is determined by the guidelines set by Yahoo Fantasy Baseball (5 games started or 10 games played for hitters, 3 starts for starting pitchers and 5 relief appearances for relief pitchers) unless otherwise stated. Please feel free to discuss in the comments.

THIRD
BASE

Michael Young is slated to start at 3B this season so I've included here.

RK PLAYER, TEAM
1. Alex Rodriguez, NYY
2. David Wright, NYM
3. Miguel Cabrera, DET
4. Evan Longoria, TB
5. Aramis Ramirez, CHC
6. Kevin Youkilis, BOS
7. Chipper Jones, ATL
8. Garrett Atkins, COL
9. Chris Davis, TEX
10. Aubrey Huff, BAL
11. Michael Young, TEX
12. Ryan Zimmerman, WAS
13. Chone Figgins, ANA
14. Adrian Beltre, SEA
15. Mark Reynolds, ARI
16. Alex Gordon, KC
17. Carlos Guillen, DET
18. Edwin Encarnacion, CIN
19. Mark DeRosa, CLE
20. Jorge Cantu, FLA
21. Pablo Sandoval, SF
22. Melvin Mora, BAL
23. Hank Blalock, TEX
24. Kevin Kouzmanoff, SD
25. Troy Glaus, STL
26. Mike Lowell, BOS
27. Felipe Lopez, ARI
28. Casey Blake, LAD
29. Ian Stewart, COL
30. Ty Wigginton, BAL

Just missed the list: Jed Lowrie BOS, Scott Rolen TOR, Josh Fields CHW, Bill Hall MIL, Brandon Wood ANA

A Grown Man Attempts to Review NES Games, part 1

12:15 PM | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan

The Exquisite Horror of 8 Eyes

Spoiler: This is the most sensible part of this game.
Okay, the premise is simple: I have several hundred NES roms that I have downloaded; I have never/rarely played most of them. I am currently 32 years old and need to face my nostalgia for the old NES days fairly (rejected title: “Overrated: Retro Gaming”). To wit, what sort of first impression do I get from any given NES game from “Back in the DayTM?”

I will be rating this on a Points Scale of my own devising that makes absolutely no sense. Also, I will be doing no research on the game – I don’t want my viewpoint colored by learning anything other than what I see on the screen.

The game in question is 8 Eyes. I’ve never played this game, nor even heard of it before last week. It comes from the Golden Age of the NES, circa 1988-89.

Graphics: The graphics on this game were about par for the course for that era. The first level looks a little busy, but maybe the designer was going for an “Arabesque” feel. Points detracted for kinda ripping off the look of Castlevania, but added back in because, dude, if you’re gonna rip off a game, there are worse ones. Although, I’m not 100% sure if your character is supposed to be an albino, or coloring was deemed “too expensive.” (3/5)

Bollywood, the Game!
Sound: The music, or what I heard before turning the sound down in annoyance, sounded like a shitty demo harpsichord played by your best friend’s kid sister who later dreamed of joining Dead Can Dance. Given the unabashed radness of sound design on games like the Mega Man, Castlevania, and Ninja Gaiden series, that is unacceptable. (1/5)

Look at all the places you'll never play long enough to see.
Gameplay: This game plays like a not very fun Castlevania ripoff, which I can only assume it is. And that means you have the same lame gravity and jumping physics that marred that series. Otherwise, you run around and stab culturally sensitive A-rabs and Skeletons and birds (and apparently Jawas). Add to it the total tease of board that looks like you’re given the choice to select worlds a la Megaman, while not really being given a choice, and this game can go to hell. Oh, and like all games made between 1987-1991, it’s ridiculously, unrewardingly hard and there is no password function (2/5)

Wootini!
Level of Adult Confusion: Very, very high. Maybe the instruction book would explain the premise of this game (I somehow doubt it), but apparently you are an Albino Knife Guy with a Pet Bird that May or May not be Helping You When You Fight. You are clearly traveling the world to accomplish something. Or find someone. Or just because you like stabbing things. The first level consists largely of stabbing things and opening doors. Which you open by stabbing the switches which are…um…well

Longer than it is wide.
More than a little phallic. Thank God once you stab them they look…

...
Oh.

Nevermind.

Oh, and speaking of God, this game is apparently religious or something. When you stab the not at all racist Turbaned Arab Guys, they turn into crosses, as do all the other villains – except for the Jawas. Apparently, they drop throwing weapons. These include (as far as I’ve gotten) ANOTHER KNIFE (so you can stab people from far away) and a ball that rolls around and seemed to do little or no actual damage.

Wait a minute…albino hero…crosses…is this game made by Opus Dei? Do I have to fight a giant Tom Hanks head that shoots Audrey Tatous at me? If not, why not?

Maybe this would be cleared up if I could make it to the end of a level, but I somehow doubt it. (5/5)

Level of Childhood Rage If I Had Spent My Own Money On This: Pretty damn high, I’m guessing. Games weren’t cheap back then, and I didn’t have a job. If I had spent between 25 and 40 bucks on this swillpile because the store was out of Mega Man 2 (and not buying a new game was not an option), I would have been beside myself with fury. Oh, I would have played it for hours, because it’s not like I had a life, but I wouldn’t have been pleased. Oh, no. (5/5)

Time Spent Playing as an Adult Before Quitting In Annoyance: Not including making screen caps? 3 minutes, tops. To put this into perspective, I spent at least 2 minutes just fantasizing about miniature Amelie's raining on me when composing this.

Composite Grade: D-

Honestly, even Castlevania 2 was more fun than this pile o’crap. Of course, if you like crypto-religious games about albinos that like to stab doorwangs, by all means download this. If you ever see me replaying it, then I am punishing myself for my sins and couldn’t find my flail.

Clive Davis, Exit Stage Left of My Life

11:07 PM | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz

Can we please have one music awards show, particularly the Grammys, without having this pompous old man take up valuable screen time? Seriously, why is everybody always sucking this guy's dick? I don't care if he discovered a pre-crack whore Whitney Houston or Earth Wind and Motherfucking Fire. He is old and he should be put down.

Enough is enough. Did he discover music? I should think not. This fawning and dick-sucking must cease immediately. Pomp Culture is calling for an immediate ban on any further Clive Davis tributes, lifetime achievement awards or even simple 'thank yous'. This will not stand.

*The views expressed in the piece above are both irrational and hateful, but represent the views of all of America (outside of the recording industry).



L-R: Clive Davis, Bono, Hannah Montanta

Pomp Culture Fantasy Baseball Preview 2009: Second Base Rankings

3:21 PM | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan

It's that time of year again. We're about a week away from pitchers and catchers reporting, so it's time to start putting together your cheat sheets for a new season of fantasy baseball. Over the next couple weeks I will be giving you my top players at each position. Position eligibility is determined by the guidelines set by Yahoo Fantasy Baseball (5 games started or 10 games played for hitters, 3 starts for starting pitchers and 5 relief appearances for relief pitchers) unless otherwise stated. Please feel free to discuss in the comments.

SECOND
BASE

Chone Figgins just barely qualifies at 2B under Yahoo's rules, so I have added him here.

RK PLAYER, TEAM
1. Ian Kinsler, TEX
2. Dustin Pedroia, BOS
3. Chase Utley, PHI
4. Brandon Phillips, CIN
5. Brian Roberts, BAL
6. Alexei Ramirez, CHW
7. Dan Uggla, FLA
8. Robinson Cano, NYY
9. Chone Figgins, ANA
10. Jose Lopez, SEA
11. Kelly Johnson, ATL
12. Howie Kendrick, ANA
13. Placido Polanco, DET
14. Mark DeRosa, CLE
15. Rickie Weeks, MIL
16. Mike Aviles, KC
17. Freddy Sanchez, PIT
18. Orlando Hudson, FA
19. Felipe Lopez, ARI
20. Akinori Iwamura, TB
21. Kazuo Matsui, HOU
22. Aaron Hill, TOR
23. Mark Ellis, OAK
24. Alexi Casilla, MIN
25. Asdrubal Cabrera, CLE
26. Clint Barmes, COL
27. Luis Castillo, NYM
28. Ian Stewart, COL
29. Maicer Izturis, ANA
30. Blake DeWitt, LAD

Just missed the list: Mike Fontenot CHC, Emmanuel Burriss SF, Ronnie Belliard WAS