10:08 PM | Comments (3) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan
Exile on Clark Street.
Thanks to all our readers over the years and keep on reading over at our new place.
10:14 AM | Comments (3) | by T.R.
6:48 AM | Comments (4) | by Adam Blank
A while back, I was drunk and flipping through the channel guide deep into the cable channels I knew I didn't have. Truth be told, I was actually looking for a WWE pay-per-view that I was thinking about purchasing. I eventually found it and was going to order it before I noticed that it cost a ridiculous $55. "Fuck that," I said. I have way better things to do with my money than watch aging wrestlers I vaguely remember from my childhood grab each other's decaying bodies and try to lay on top of each other for the pinfall. So, in a completely unrelated maneuver, I paged down a few clicks and ordered some filthy hardcore pornography.
Why did I order pay-per-view porn when I had a perfectly fine internet connection? Well, I was really really drunk. Also, the title of the porno implied that young Asian girls would be doing some sick shit while wearing schoolgirl outfits. Plus, the money I saved from not ordering a wrestling PPV meant I could get porn & order a pizza later and still come out ahead. In short, I had nothing to lose.
Modern cable porn isn't like it was back when I was a barely-pubescent little fucker; hitting the A/B switch on the old cable box to keep the scrambled porn image on the screen a few seconds longer so I could listen to softcore starlets moan and maybe see a scrambled nipple if I craned my neck to the side & the gods looked upon my sinful acts with favor. Oh no, this pay-per-view stuff was FOR REAL hardcore porn with full penetration you actually get to see. It seemed as nothing was left to the imagination. They showed cocks, pubic hair, gaping pussies...even the much-sought-after Asian chick's asshole was up for grabs. It was as if my normally Mayberry-esque cable suddenly had its very own Red Light District and Barney Fife was giving me the tour after doing poppers while Andy was watching Otis. All was well & good for a while. But, as the first scene ended, I noticed something a tad disturbing... There was absolutely no male ejaculation! As the moment of the moneyshot approached, the scene faded to black, much like how sex in a 40's movie was implied by a slow pan to the window while a couple kissed near a bed.
I forgave the first scene of it's omission and continued watching. But when the next Moment of Truth rolled around, the same fucking thing happened! It was at this instant that I felt cheated out of my $12. Really, cable? Ejaculations aren't any more over the top than all the spitting on cocks that happens in modern porno, or the nasty gagging blowjob scenes filled with spittle & mucous. If that shit ever happened to me in the course of lovemaking, I would call it a fucking night right then & there. Why, oh why do they spit so much in all modern porn? Who likes this??? I would never spit on a girl's pussy unless she asked me to, and even then I'm sure my latent Catholicism would rise up to prevent me from enjoying the act of depravity. And, Catholic shame or not, I certainly wouldn't lap up my own loogie a moment later. That's not sanitary. But my pay-per-view porno had no problem with these aberrations. I decided to look the other way. Figuratively, of course. This was 30 something minutes into the movie and I had completed my dirty deed 25 minutes prior (sadly, I finished during the opening credit montage). I watched the remaining 85 minutes of the movie like an Anthropologist studying chimps. Sexy, Asian chimps.
To make a long story short, the remaining scenes cut out their "endings" too. What a bunch of bullshit! It isn't that I need a dude ejaculating to let me know a porn scene is over. I'm no rookie here; I knew where the scene was headed. But without that last filthy moment of closure, I might as well have been looking at still pictures for 100 minutes. And I certainly wouldn't pay $12 for fuckin' pictures. I'm not going to mince words here: a porn scene just isn't complete without male ejaculation. Sure, we can get political and say that the whole damn system is wrong, but you can't change it. It's nature. It's science. It's what non-lesbian porn has taught us since the beginning of time: Male ejaculation = end of scene. Female ejaculation = fetish video. And if the scene has 2 or more men, the last one to finish gets to lock up. That's just how it goes.
A porn scene ending without a cumshot is sort of like reading a bedtime story to a child and leaving out the "Happily Ever After" part. Sure, maybe your child will assume the best for the Prince & Princess, but without being explicitly told that the story is over, your child is most likely pining for closure. And we all know that there's no better closure than a huge facial.
12:52 PM | Comments (4) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan
Things of note that I remembered from that incident.
- Rick Sutcliffe going apeshit and being one of the first guys out of the dugout.
- After laying on the ground for a while, Dawson finally comes to and goes ballistic as he takes off after Show on the field.
- After getting Show to retreat into the dugout, Dawson attempts to go down into the Padres dugout after him.
The one incident that I remember most is from 1987, when Padres pitcher Eric Show hit Dawson in the face. I wasn't pitching that day, actually a young Greg Maddux was, but I'd had a feeling that the Padres might be out to get Hawk. I even said something to him about it, telling him I didn't have a good feeling. He had hit two home runs the night before and another in his first at-bat of the game. Then, in the third inning, Show drilled him in the eye with a fastball. People may remember that I charged the mound from the dugout when that happened.Awesome, so not only did that incident lead to one of the most memorable bench-clearing brawls I've ever witnessed, but it essentially gave a young Maddux his first opportunity to earn respect from his teammates.
Before the game, management had told Maddux that if he didn't get the win he'd be sent down. Knowing that, as I was getting ejected for fighting, I told him to go out and get through the fifth inning to get that win he needed before thinking about retaliating. He wasn't hearing any of that. I reminded him that he needed to get that win or else he was going back to the minors. He told me he didn't care if he got another win in his whole career. And the very next inning with the lead and two out and no one on base Maddux got payback by hitting Benito Santiago in the back as hard as he could. That tells you what kind of teammate Maddux was even starting out. He got sent down the next day, but his teammates knew what kind of guy he was. People might not expect it from a mild-mannered guy like him, but he would protect his hitters as much as any pitcher I ever played with.
12:47 PM | Comments (2) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan
3:04 PM | Comments (3) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan
Well, with less than two weeks left before we shut the lights off here and move to our new blog I'd figure this was a better time than any to finally give you an annoying sales pitch.
With the TMS Era coming to a close, the shirts at the TMS Store will be officially retired as I begin work on creating new shirts for Exile on Clark Street. This is your last chance to buy a piece of TMS nostalgia. Here are the shirts you can still get your hands on.
Centaur Approved and Purveyors of Esoterica - These are the two newest designs I created. Both of them are pretty sweet. I mean who doesn't want a shirt with a centaur on it? The only thing that is guaranteed to get you laid more is the long sleeved wolf shirt.
8-Bit Gridiron Glory and JO Sampson - Here's two shirts featuring our favorite running backs. One is the greatest video game athlete of all time, the other has served as a TMS guest correspondent over the years. Both look great on a shirt. DOUBLE LEGIT!!!!
Thunder Matt's Saloon and Ast-Raped in '88 - The Thunder Matt's Saloon shirt took on various forms over the years to match our most current site design. This is the final edition. Ast-Raped in '88 is our best-selling shirt of all-time. I find that impressive and horrifying at the same time. Note: the Rick Astley post pre-dates the RickRoll internet meme.
What About Beecake? and Tommy Buzanis - Sadly the comments to this post have been lost. What started with some cheap shots by Daft Funk at Billy Boyd turned into a barrage of angry comments and hate mail from his Fan Club. This shirt immortalizes one such angry fan's comment, referencing Boyd's band, Beecake back in Scotland. And thus "What About Beecake?" became the ultimate rhetorical question in TMS-lore. Speaking of TMS-lore, no character casts a bigger shadow than Mr. Tommy Buzanis. This shirt features an oft-uttered phrase from everyone's favorite steak-eating, fake-tanning, alcoholic divorcee.
So hurry and order now. All profits will help me buy a bootleg copy of "New Moon" on DVD.
11:19 AM | Comments (2) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan
So imagine my dismay when I read this article on Cubs.com.
Starting Monday, February 15th at 10am CT, fans will have first access to all Chicago Cubs 2010 regular season home games by going to Cubs.com and paying a 20% premium on the face value of the ticket.Are you kidding me? Never mind a bleacher seat on a platinum date costs $54, and that's before getting punched in the face with taxes and fees, but now you can buy them earlier for $64.80. Nearly $65 for a general admission seat. The article does say there is a limit on how many seats will be available for pre-sale, so schmucks like me can still have the opportunity to be gouged at the normal face value on Friday.
What's more frustrating is that if you recall this piece that came out back in early December, Cubs president Crane Kenney had this little gem.
"This isn't the year to go crazy on ticket price increases," Kenney said.I'm curious what "going crazy" is then if he doesn't consider selling a bulk of the tickets at 20% over face value a bit insane. Perhaps to Crane "crazy" meant selling an internal organ or your first born child for tickets.
Also from that December article was this snippet about the Ricketts plans for investing in the team.
What helps the team now is that the new owners, the Ricketts family, plan on investing all profits into the Cubs, which wasn't the case when the Tribune Co. was the owner.Well that's a relief. So next season we should expect players with actual talent to be purchased with all the profits? I'll remember that when the Cubs sign yet another mediocre second basemen or right fielder next offseason.
So thanks Cubs management for finding a new way to screw the fans. I guess you guys are at least a little more straightforward this time about scalping your own tickets.
2:55 PM | Comments (8) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan
Not only have we hardly been writing about the Cubs, we've hardly been not writing about the Cubs which was are M.O. for the last couple years. This I'm sure has led to the question from all four of you still reading our site. Is TMS dead?
The answer is: almost.
The lights at Thunder Matt's Saloon will be going out for good on February 28. On March 1 we will begin a new era as we open a new and improved Cubs blog called Exile on Clark Street.
I'm sure that may lead to a couple folks drudging up our failed blog Pomp Culture. Yes, we tried to ditch the whole idea of being a Cubs blog and it didn't quite work out. I assure you this will be different. For one, we will still be a Cubs blog, and two, um....I have no two.
The main purpose for Exile is that we're going to refocus our efforts on bringing more Cubs coverage yet still maintain the strange esoterica that made TMS popular for a small group of folks. In order to do that we're joining forces with two other Cubs blogs that do a great job keeping up with the latest happenings with the ball club. College of Idiots and Wasting Away in Wrigleyville will be partnering up with us for this new blogging venture.
We're pretty excited for this new site as we get back into gear for the upcoming season. For a sneak peek here's a look at the new site's header.
Hats off to Ginger Russ for the sweet design.
Anyway, my main point is business at the Saloon is definitely slow and coming to an inevitable halt, but I assure all of you to stay tuned as we get ready to launch Exile on Clark Street on March 1st.
5:05 PM | Comments (1) | by Ginger Russ
10:00 PM | Comments (2) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan
|RK||PLAYER, TEAM||RK||PLAYER, TEAM |
|1.||Joe Mauer, MIN||16.||John Baker, FLA |
|2.||Brian McCann, ATL||17.||Carlos Ruiz, PHI |
|3.||Victor Martinez, CLE||18.||Ramon Hernandez, CIN |
|4.||Matt Wieters, BAL||19.||Kelly Shoppach, TB |
|5.||Miguel Montero, ARI||20.||Miguel Olivo, COL |
|6.||Jorge Posada, NYY||21.||Rod Barajas, FA |
|7.||Russell Martin, LAD||22.||Buster Posey, SF |
|8.||Mike Napoli, ANA||23.||Jarrod Saltalamacchia, TEX |
|9.||Kurt Suzuki, OAK||24.||Jeff Clement, PIT |
|10.||Geovany Soto, CHC||25.||Ivan Rodriguez, WAS |
|11.||Bengie Molina, SF||26.||Dioner Navarro, TB |
|12.||Ryan Doumit, PIT||27.||Jesus Flores, WAS |
|13.||Yadier Molina, STL||28.||John Buck, TOR |
|14.||A.J. Pierzynski, CHW||29.||Gerald Laird, DET |
|15.||Chris Iannetta, COL||30.||Carlos Santana, CLE |
On the edge of the radar: Nick Hundley SD, J.R. Towles HOU, Alex Avila DET, Taylor Teagarden TEX, Chris Snyder ARI, Gregg Zaun MIL, Yorvit Torrealba SD
|RK||PLAYER, TEAM||RK||PLAYER, TEAM |
|1.||Albert Pujols, STL||16.||Adam Dunn, WAS |
|2.||Prince Fielder, MIL||17.||Carlos Pena, TB |
|3.||Miguel Cabrera, DET||18.||Billy Butler, KC |
|4.||Mark Teixeira, NYY||19.||Michael Cuddyer, MIN |
|5.||Ryan Howard, PHI||20.||Jose Lopez, SEA |
|6.||Adrian Gonzalez, SD||21.||James Loney, LAD |
|7.||Mark Reynolds, ARI||22.||Jorge Cantu, FLA |
|8.||Justin Morneau, MIN||23.||Chris Davis, TEX |
|9.||Kevin Youkilis, BOS||24.||Todd Helton, COL |
|10.||Joey Votto, CIN||25.||Adam LaRoche, ARI |
|11.||Pablo Sandoval, SF||26.||Paul Konerko, CHW |
|12.||Kendry Morales, ANA||27.||Garrett Jones, PIT |
|13.||Victor Martinez, CLE||28.||Nick Swisher, NYY |
|14.||Lance Berkman, HOU||29.||Nick Johnson, NYY |
|15.||Derrek Lee, CHC||30.||Martin Prado, ATL |
On the edge of the radar: Aubrey Huff SF, Mark DeRosa SF, Russell Branyan CLE
|RK||PLAYER, TEAM||RK||PLAYER, TEAM |
|1.||Chase Utley, PHI||16.||Martin Prado, ATL |
|2.||Ian Kinsler, TEX||17.||Clint Barmes, COL |
|3.||Dustin Pedroia, BOS||18.||Kelly Johnson, ARI |
|4.||Brian Roberts, BAL||19.||Orlando Hudson, MIN |
|5.||Robinson Cano, NYY||20.||Casey McGehee, MIL |
|6.||Aaron Hill, TOR||21.||Felipe Lopez, FA |
|7.||Brandon Phillips, CIN||22.||Mark Ellis, OAK |
|8.||Ben Zobrist, TB||23.||Akinori Iwamura, PIT |
|9.||Dan Uggla, FLA||24.||Scott Sizemore, DET |
|10.||Jose Lopez, SEA||25.||Luis Castillo, NYM |
|11.||Howie Kendrick, ANA||26.||Kazuo Matsui, HOU |
|12.||Asdrubal Cabrera, CLE||27.||Freddy Sanchez, SF |
|13.||Ian Stewart, COL||28.||Maicer Izturis, ANA |
|14.||Rickie Weeks, MIL||29.||Alberto Callaspo, KC |
|15.||Placido Polanco, PHI||30.||Skip Schumaker, STL |
On the edge of the radar: Adam Kennedy OAK, Chris Getz CHW, Luis Valbuena CLE, Ronnie Belliard LAD, Eric Young COL
|RK||PLAYER, TEAM||RK||PLAYER, TEAM |
|1.||Alex Rodriguez, NYY||16.||Chris Davis, TEX |
|2.||Evan Longoria, TB||17.||Mark DeRosa, SF |
|3.||David Wright, NYM||18.||Alex Gordon, KC |
|4.||Mark Reynolds, ARI||19.||Jhonny Peralta, CLE |
|5.||Ryan Zimmerman, WAS||20.||Casey Blake, LAD |
|6.||Kevin Youkilis, BOS||21.||Martin Prado, ATL |
|7.||Pablo Sandoval, SF||22.||Kevin Kouzmanoff, OAK |
|8.||Aramis Ramirez, CHC||23.||Chase Headley, SD |
|9.||Chone Figgins, SEA||24.||Casey McGehee, MIL |
|10.||Michael Young, TEX||25.||Edwin Encarnacion, TOR |
|11.||Gordon Beckham, CHW||26.||Mark Teahen, CHW |
|12.||Chipper Jones, ATL||27.||Scott Rolen, CIN |
|13.||Jorge Cantu, FLA||28.||Garrett Atkins, BAL |
|14.||Adrian Beltre, BOS||29.||Mike Lowell, BOS |
|15.||Ian Stewart, COL||30.||Brandon Wood, ANA |
On the edge of the radar: Brandon Inge DET, Andy LaRoche PIT, Brett Wallace TOR, David Freese STL, Troy Glaus ATL, Mat Gamel MIL
|RK||PLAYER, TEAM||RK||PLAYER, TEAM |
|1.||Hanley Ramirez, FLA||16.||Jhonny Peralta, CLE |
|2.||Troy Tulowitzki, COL||17.||Marco Scutaro, BOS |
|3.||Jose Reyes, NYM||18.||Alcides Escobar, MIL |
|4.||Jimmy Rollins, PHI||19.||Everth Cabrera, SD |
|5.||Derek Jeter, NYY||20.||Erick Aybar, ANA |
|6.||Jason Bartlett, TB||21.||J.J. Hardy, MIN |
|7.||Alexei Ramirez, CHW||22.||Maicer Izturis, ANA |
|8.||Asdrubal Cabrera, CLE||23.||Cristian Guzman, WAS |
|9.||Yunel Escobar, ATL||24.||Ian Desmond, WAS |
|10.||Elvis Andrus, TEX||25.||Edgar Renteria, SF |
|11.||Stephen Drew, ARI||26.||Luis Valbuena, CLE |
|12.||Miguel Tejada, BAL||27.||Cliff Pennington, OAK |
|13.||Rafael Furcal, LAD||28.||Brendan Ryan, STL |
|14.||Ryan Theriot, CHC||29.||Juan Uribe, SF |
|15.||Orlando Cabrera, CIN||30.||Jack Wilson, SEA |
On the edge of the radar: Mike Aviles KC, Emilio Bonifacio FLA, Yuniesky Betancourt KC, Willie Bloomquist KC, Julio Lugo STL, Alex Gonzalez TOR
|RK||PLAYER, TEAM||RK||PLAYER, TEAM |
|1.||Ryan Braun, MIL||31.||Raul Ibanez, PHI |
|2.||Matt Kemp, LAD||32.||Alex Rios, CHW |
|3.||Carl Crawford, TB||33.||Alfonso Soriano, CHC |
|4.||Matt Holliday, STL||34.||Denard Span, MIN |
|5.||Jacoby Ellsbury, BOS||35.||Michael Bourn, HOU |
|6.||Justin Upton, ARI||36.||Carlos Beltran, NYM |
|7.||Grady Sizemore, CLE||37.||Jay Bruce, CIN |
|8.||Jayson Werth, PHI||38.||Nyjer Morgan, WAS |
|9.||Ichiro Suzuki, SEA||39.||Carlos Gonzalez, COL |
|10.||Curtis Granderson, NYY||40.||Jason Kubel, MIN |
|11.||Jason Bay, NYM||41.||Johnny Damon, DET |
|12.||Adam Lind, TOR||42.||Brad Hawpe, COL |
|13.||Nick Markakis, BAL||43.||Michael Cuddyer, MIN |
|14.||Andre Ethier, LAD||44.||Julio Borbon, TEX |
|15.||B.J. Upton, TB||45.||Ryan Ludwick, STL |
|16.||Carlos Lee, HOU||46.||Chris Coghlan, FLA |
|17.||Manny Ramirez, LAD||47.||Vladimir Guerrero, TEX |
|18.||Bobby Abreu, ANA||48.||Corey Hart, MIL |
|19.||Nelson Cruz, TEX||49.||Rajai Davis, OAK |
|20.||Josh Hamilton, TEX||50.||Vernon Wells, TOR |
|21.||Shane Victorino, PHI||51.||Franklin Gutierrez, SEA |
|22.||Shin-Soo Choo, CLE||52.||Nolan Reimold, BAL |
|23.||Ben Zobrist, TB||53.||Juan Pierre, CHW |
|24.||Torii Hunter, ANA||54.||Dexter Fowler, COL |
|25.||Hunter Pence, HOU||55.||Juan Rivera, ANA |
|26.||Adam Jones, BAL||56.||Cody Ross, FLA |
|27.||Adam Dunn, WAS||57.||Mark DeRosa, SF |
|28.||Andrew McCutchen, PIT||58.||Garrett Jones, PIT |
|29.||Carlos Quentin, CHW||59.||Drew Stubbs, CIN |
|30.||Nate McLouth, ATL||60.||Jermaine Dye, FA |
On the edge of the radar: Nick Swisher NYY, J.D. Drew BOS, Brett Gardner NYY, Lastings Milledge PIT, Delmon Young MIN, Kyle Blanks SD, Magglio Ordonez DET, Colby Rasmus STL, Chris Young ARI, Travis Snider TOR, David DeJesus KC, Cameron Maybin FLA, Josh Willingham WAS
|RK||PLAYER, TEAM||RK||PLAYER, TEAM |
|1.||Tim Lincecum, SF||41.||Carlos Zambrano, CHC |
|2.||Roy Halladay, PHI||42.||Scott Kazmir, ANA |
|3.||Zack Greinke, KC||43.||Ted Lilly, CHC |
|4.||Felix Hernandez, SEA||44.||Edwin Jackson, ARI |
|5.||CC Sabathia, NYY||45.||Clay Buchholz, BOS |
|6.||Dan Haren, ARI||46.||David Price, TB |
|7.||Justin Verlander, DET||47.||Tim Hudson, ATL |
|8.||Adam Wainwright, STL||48.||Mark Buehrle, CHW |
|9.||Johan Santana, NYM||49.||Randy Wolf, MIL |
|10.||Jon Lester, BOS||50.||Jorge De La Rosa, COL |
|11.||Chris Carpenter, STL||51.||Kevin Slowey, MIN |
|12.||Cliff Lee, SEA||52.||Daisuke Matsuzaka, BOS |
|13.||Josh Johnson, FLA||53.||Rick Porcello, DET |
|14.||Josh Beckett, BOS||54.||Aaron Harang, CIN |
|15.||Javier Vazquez, NYY||55.||Hiroki Kuroda, LAD |
|16.||Cole Hamels, PHI||56.||Johnny Cueto, CIN |
|17.||Yovani Gallardo, MIL||57.||Ben Sheets, OAK |
|18.||Matt Cain, SF||58.||Jeff Niemann, TB |
|19.||Tommy Hanson, ATL||59.||Jonathan Sanchez, SF |
|20.||Ubaldo Jimenez, COL||60.||Derek Lowe, ATL |
|21.||Wandy Rodriguez, HOU||61.||Joe Blanton, PHI |
|22.||Jake Peavy, CHW||62.||Wade Davis, TB |
|23.||Clayton Kershaw, LAD||63.||J.A. Happ, PHI |
|24.||Ricky Nolasco, FLA||64.||Joba Chamberlain, NYY |
|25.||Chad Billingsley, LAD||65.||Ervin Santana, ANA |
|26.||John Lackey, BOS||66.||Joel Pineiro, ANA |
|27.||Jered Weaver, ANA||67.||Andy Pettitte, NYY |
|28.||Matt Garza, TB||68.||Bronson Arroyo, CIN |
|29.||Jair Jurrjens, ATL||69.||Francisco Liriano, MIN |
|30.||James Shields, TB||70.||Scott Feldman, TEX |
|31.||Scott Baker, MIN||71.||Chris Young, SD |
|32.||Brandon Webb, ARI||72.||Joe Saunders, ANA |
|33.||A.J. Burnett, NYY||73.||John Maine, NYM |
|34.||Roy Oswalt, HOU||74.||Erik Bedard, SEA |
|35.||Ryan Dempster, CHC||75.||Randy Wells, CHC |
|36.||John Danks, CHW||76.||Stephen Strasburg, WAS |
|37.||Brett Anderson, OAK||77.||Phil Hughes, NYY |
|38.||Max Scherzer, DET||78.||Mat Latos, SD |
|39.||Gavin Floyd, CHW||79.||Gil Meche, KC |
|40.||Rich Harden, TEX||80.||Brian Matusz, BAL |
On the edge of the radar: Brett Myers HOU, Barry Zito SF, Kevin Correia SD, Colby Lewis TEX, Ricky Romero TOR, Homer Bailey CIN, Justin Masterson CLE, Chris Tillman BAL, Gio Gonzalez OAK, Trevor Cahill OAK, Neftali Feliz TEX, Jason Marquis WAS, Jon Garland SD, Brad Penny STL, Derek Holland TEX, Kevin Millwood BAL, Paul Maholm PIT, Jeremy Bonderman DET, Pedro Martinez FA, Aaron Cook COL, Nick Blackburn MIN, Ryan Rowland-Smith SEA, Brad Bergesen BAL, John Lannan WAS, Zach Duke PIT, Madison Bumgarner SF, Brandon Morrow TOR, Jeremy Guthrie BAL, Jarrod Washburn DET, Carl Pavano MIN, Ross Ohlendorf PIT
|RK||PLAYER, TEAM||RK||PLAYER, TEAM |
|1.||Jonathan Broxton, LAD||21.||Frank Francisco, TEX |
|2.||Joe Nathan, MIN||22.||Chad Qualls, ARI |
|3.||Mariano Rivera, NYY||23.||Kerry Wood, CLE |
|4.||Jonathan Papelbon, BOS||24.||Mike Gonzalez, BAL |
|5.||Francisco Rodriguez, NYM||25.||Brad Lidge, PHI |
|6.||Heath Bell, SD||26.||Leo Nunez, FLA |
|7.||Joakim Soria, KC||27.||Matt Capps, WAS |
|8.||Andrew Bailey, OAK||28.||Octavio Dotel, PIT |
|9.||Brian Wilson, SF||29.||Brandon Lyon, HOU |
|10.||Huston Street, COL||30.||Matt Thornton, CHW |
|11.||Francisco Cordero, CIN||31.||Jason Frasor, TOR |
|12.||Jose Valverde, DET||32.||Phil Hughes, NYY |
|13.||Carlos Marmol, CHC||33.||Neftali Feliz, TEX |
|14.||Trevor Hoffman, MIL||34.||J.P. Howell, TB |
|15.||David Aardsma, SEA||35.||Matt Lindstrom, HOU |
|16.||Brian Fuentes, ANA||36.||Kevin Gregg, TOR |
|17.||Rafael Soriano, TB||37.||Ryan Madson, PHI |
|18.||Billy Wagner, ATL||38.||Scott Downs, TOR |
|19.||Bobby Jenks, CHW||39.||Jim Johnson, BAL |
|20.||Ryan Franklin, STL||40.||Michael Wuertz, OAK |
On the edge of the radar: Luke Gregerson SD, C.J. Wilson TEX, Fernando Rodney ANA, Chris Perez CLE, Mike MacDougal FLA, Joel Hanrahan PIT, Juan Gutierrez ARI, Todd Coffey MIL, Daniel Bard BOS, Mike Adams SD
2:07 PM | Comments (1) | by Chaim Witz
So without further ado, here's a hastily cobbled together list of movies for you to mock, ignore and bury at the bottom of your Netflix queue. Lights, camera, Jews!
1. Up in the Air – A pitch perfect adult dramedy that didn’t really excel in one particular area, but stuck with me for weeks after I saw it. Probably because I was worried about getting fired, but that's neither here nor there.
2. (500) Days of Summer – Always a sucker for a twee indie comedy with a hipster soundtrack, I fell head over heels and out of my skinny jeans for this rom com. The Hall and Oates montage probably bumped it up 2 or 3 spots on this list.
3. The Hangover – A Zach Galifiankis nerd from way back (“I liked him way before G-Force”), I had a feeling I’d love this movie as soon as I saw the poster. Classic instincts!
4. The Hurt Locker - Clunky title aside, this was one of the most intense experiences I’ve had at the movies in quite some time. I pooped my pants more times than Milton Bradley with men on base.
5. Away We Go - Probably hit home due to the fact that, like the pseudo hipster couple in the movie, Mrs. Witz and I just recently had our first child and, like said couple, also have no idea what we're doing. We saw this one right after we found out that our lives would be forever changed (for the better mind you)...I even got the idea for my Dad Beard from Jim from The Office. Maya Rudolph turns in one of the more underrated and affecting performances of the year.
6. Moon - I'm naturally predispositioned to like movies that take place in the jungle, space or a post-apocalyptic landscape. That said, I loved this space yarn. Sam Rockwell lends his considerable talents to this film that either steals from or pays homage to, 2001 Space Odyssey.
7. Inglorious Basterds – Allowing for a few Tarantino egotistical asides, this beautifully shot film is the Brad Pitt Nazi Movie that the world has waited for since he burst onto the scene shirtless in Thelma and Louise.
8. Avatar – It’s like they brought that Eiffel 65 song to life on the silver screen!
9. Star Trek – I hate nerds, but I loved this decidedly less nerdy version of Pocket Protectors in Space.
10. Adventureland – Reinforces my inkling that I should have been a carnie.
11. Drag Me To Hell – This movie was “grossly” entertaining! WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA!
12. Youth In Revolt - Technically this came out in 2010, but technically I'm a heterosexual as well.
Honorable Mention: Nice try assholes!
The Road - Post apocalyptic shenanigans, Oprah approved.
District 9 – A (relatively) thinking man’s Predator
Whip It – I hugged Drew Barrymore
Tyson – Face tattoo!
I Love You Man – I hate the band Rush, or this may have ranked higher.
Crazy Heart – Jeff Bridges is great though.
Watchmen – Blue penis!
Last House on the Left – Pretty scary when you watch it at a bed in breakfast on the lake.
Up – Not as good as Wall E or Ratatouille.
Fantastic Mr. Fox – Wanted to love it, just liked it. Seems like it would get better with repeat viewings.Minor Disappointments, Like Me
Bruno, Public Enemies, Funny People, Paranormal Activity, The Men Who Stare At Goats, Sherlock Holmes, IN the Loop
Worst Movies of the Year
Miss March, My Life in Ruins, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, Time Traveler’s Wife, Couples Retreat
The Hurt Locker - I'm pretty sure that my asshole didn't unpucker for the duration of this movie. Holy crap was this intense. It starts off with the line "war is a drug", and goes off in a white knuckle bomb-diffusing rally from there. It was nice to see how excellent attention to how the subtleties of a scene are filmed goes so much further than just having a couple of huge CGI robots fire their missiles to knock the asses of some other huge CGI robots through the Eiffel Tower.
Avatar - The acting is not Oscar worthy and the story is essentially Dances With Wolves meets Fern Gully. Having said that, this was the most fun I've had at the movies that I can remember. I'm not a fan of the recent 3D fad with movies and I was worried that Cameron would unnecessarily have a spear fly into the audience or something. Not the case. It was very tastefully done. So much so that I'm worried about what the movie will be like without it. The special effects are tremendous and the last battle scene (which lasts for about 45 minutes) knocked my dick so far in the dirt that I have a new girlfriend in China to introduce to the folks. Go see it.
Up - All I knew going into this movie was an old guy had a house suspended with balloons. I wasn't sure how that translated into a feature-length film but Pixar hadn't given me a reason to doubt them. They still haven't. A word of warning: the first 20 minutes or so rivals Bambi for a sad beginning and had the woman in the seat next to me balling uncontrollably. I, on the other hand, just had something in my eye.
The Hangover - Funniest movie of the year. People will be quoting this one for years to come. Each subsequent viewing has made me want to go back to Vegas that much more. I sure hope they don't ruin it with a sequel. I just have one question. Is this the real Caesar's Palace?
Star Trek - JJ Abrams did a fantastic job with creating a new adaptation of the series. He certainly did his homework evidenced by enlisting a superb cast and keeping true to the smallest of details. He may have gone a bit overboard with the lens flares but for the most part the special effects were excellent. Also, Tyler Perry!
Watchmen - I think a lot of people saw this without having read the graphic novel and came out of the theater wondering just what the hell they saw. I read through it first and appreciated the attention to detail the producers of the film paid. The casting was perfect, the soundtrack was very appropriate and even a change to the original story was done in such a way that many fans have said was an improvement. I think this one got a bad rap and certainly didn't live up to the huge hype.
Funny People - I expected this to be unexpected, and enjoyed the result. This is not a typical Sandler funny face/voice experience. I liked how Sandler was able to actually do a bit of acting and portray a man having to deal with some very real problems. He also used his character to poke a bit of fun at the caliber of movies he has been known to churn out. The movie tends to run a bit long and could have probably been a bit better had they shaved off 20 minutes. Nobody likes those bushy films from the 70s.
Tyson - Say what you will about Iron Mike, this documentary was very well done. Not only did I learn quite a bit, Tyson came across as humble and honest about a great many things. If you have any interest in the sport of boxing, this is a must. Leave any preconceived notions you may have at the door and I think you'll enjoy this.
Inglorious Basterds - Better than I thought it would be. The opening scene is very well done and Christopher Waltz plays an excellent villain who clearly is in love with his job and himself. It would have been nice if the war actually played out like this.
Worst of the Year
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen - I'm not normally one to declare such superlatives as my favorite band or least favorite melon (C'mon, Honeydew right?) but this movie may be the worst movie I've ever seen. The only hope is that it is, in fact, actually an art commentary piece in which case Michael Bay might be the smartest human being who has ever lived.
Best to worst:
Sugar - Totally changed the way I look at drugs in baseball and how I view Latin baseball immigrants.
It Might Get Loud - Guitar porn of the highest order.
500 Days of Summer - Easily the best comedy of the last 3 years that I can watch with my wife.
Taken - Lots of action + Liam Neeson + sex trafficking = enjoyable x 2!!
Star Trek - This prequel is infinitely better than what the Star Wars franchise did, and with about 300% less hype.
Inglorious Basterds - Oh really, Tarantino is affiliated? Shoddy plot and odd and uncomfortable cameos aside (Office guy, Mike Myers), a solid film, especially the performance by Christoph Waltz.
Tyson - Even though 50% of it is probably untrue, this is a captivating documentary. DVD 'extras' are a must-see here as well.
The Hangover - More Zach Galifianakis, please
9 (The Tim Burton one) - Special effects skeet!
A Christmas Carol 3D - Special effects skeet AND a timeless story!
Sherlock Holmes - Who knew Sherlie was into MMA? And where the fuck was the tweed coat and Sherlock cap?
District 9 - A reach, but decent. Lead actor reminds me of Murray from Flight of the Conchords.
Brothers - Shame on you, Jim Sheridan. I expected WAY more
The Watchmen - When will I learn not to expect anything of a book-to-movie film?
My Bloody Valentine - Worst one I saw in '09, fo sho
There's no greater testament to how strong 2009's movies were overall than looking at the list of films I enjoyed immensely but still couldn't squeeze into my list. Whether you like pitch-black comedy (Observe and Report, World's Greatest Dad), off-beat documentaries (It Might Get Loud, Tyson, Anvil!) or a warm and fuzzy tale of political murder and revenge in Northern Ireland (Five Minutes of Heaven), there are many many fantastic films from last year that didn't make it onto any end of year lists. There just wasn't enough room. That's what she said.
1. New Moon
2. New Moon
3. New Moon
4. Taylor Lautner on SNL
5. Leaked trailer for Twilight: Eclipse on Access Hollywood
6. New Moon
7. New Moon
8. Robert Pattinson Pepsi Commercial
9. Wilford Brimley's Diabetes Dancemix
10. Waiting in line for New Moon with other New Moon fans, discussing our hopes, dreams and favorite/least favorite teachers.
Chip Wesley's REAL List (Even gayer than the fake one!)
Alright, so I don't see enough movies to have a formal best of list and I've been told I can't list New Moon 10 times. So instead here's a list of every movie I saw that was released in 2009, good or bad.
I Love You, Man - Paul Rudd and Jason Segal have some quotable lines and any movie with Lou Ferigno gets my approval. Grade: B
Monsters vs. Aliens - Having kids now, this is the type of flick in my wheelhouse any more. Overally pretty good. Some pop culture references will become dated over time. Grade: B-
Adventureland - Chaim Witz and I nearly had a limp-wristed slapfight over this one. He likes this movie while I hated it. The overall story was good but the acting sucked ass. Eisenberg and Stewart were a horrible couple and Ryan Reynolds' performance had "I'm mailing this in, just give me my paycheck" written all over it. A decent movie fallen victim to bad casting. Grade: C-
17 Again - Cheesy, dumb, mindless. Those are what I expected going in, and that's what I got out of it. I'll grade this better than Adventureland simply because my low expectations didn't lead me to disappointment. That and an outtake where Jim Gaffigan says "I have diarrhea," after saying his scripted line. Grade: C
X-Men Origins: Wolverine - Better than X-Men 3 but not as good as X-Men. Watching will.i.am get killed by a mutant was a plus at least. Grade: B-
Star Trek - J.J. Abrams reboots the franchise for a new generation. This ain't your nerdy basement-dwelling uncle's Star Trek! I've never been a fan of the series but after seeing Abrams version I'm on board for this one. Grade: B+
Up - Pixar once again doesn't disappoint. Then again have they ever disappointed? If you don't count that time Owen Wilson was a talking car, then no, no they haven't. Grade: A-
The Hangover - One of the best comedies in years and finally a chance for mainstream audiences to see the brilliance of Zack Galiafinakis. Grade: A
Food, Inc. - Serious eye-opening documentary about our national food supply. In the end it really just made me feel shittier about myself when I eat quarter pounders. Grade: B+
The Proposal - Mediocre romantic comedy that could've been slightly better if Sandra Bullock was remotely likable in it. Grade: C-
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince - Way better than the book! (NOTE: I haven't read the book) Grade: B
The Ugly Truth - Cliche and formulaic comedy that gets bonus points for being raunchier than expected. Katherine Heigl, will you please just show your tits already? No one believes a sex scene where you wear your bra the whole time. Grade: C
It Might Get Loud - Jack White, Jimmy Page and The Edge talk about their life as a guitarist. Great film if you love rock music, or any of the bands these three have played in. Watching it made me want to listen to all my Zeppelin albums again. Grade: B