1:52 PM | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan
Also, we call dibs on trademarking the catchphrase "I'M JIZZO 4 RIZZO!"
8:53 AM | Comments (0) | by Adam Blank
|Joey's hair is ribbed for her pleasure|
|Adam fighting the good fight c. 1962|
The point is, this shit obviously isn't for us and we can't predict what stands the test of time. I'd like to think that our parents would have drown us in the nearest creek bed had they known "Don't Stop Believing" and "Wanted Dead or Alive" would be two of the top karaoke songs of all time. For all we fucking know, our grand-kids will be singing along to Ke$ha on the 2040's equivalent of the Guitar Hero franchise, Auto Tune Glory, on the PS8. The future very well may suck for us, but it simply isn't up to us to decide. In the meantime, listen to the shit you like (which, judging by the militant pop-music haters out there, is just the same old shit you listened to in high school anyway) and leave the brand new pop music to high school girls and DJs at gay clubs.
9:00 AM | Comments (1) | by Arcturus
Valbuena's MLB career started in 2008 for the Mariners. The Venezuelan was later traded to the Indians, then sent down to the minors in 2011 and eventually traded to the Blue Jays. The Cubs claimed him off waivers from the Jays in April 2012.
It's been a small sample size, but I like what I've seen from Valbuena. He looks solid in the field and he's got two homers and 7 RBIs in 6 games. He's also not Ian Stewart. His career stats don't really suggest that he'll continue on his current pace, although he hasn't played much the past few seasons.
Valbuena saw action in 17 games for Cleveland last year, following a 91 game campaign in 2010 and a 103 game run in 2009. He hit 10 home runs in 2009 with a .250 average, his best season. Homers dropped to 2 in 2010 and his average fell to .193. In the 17 MLB games he played in last year, he hit .209 with 1 home run.
So obviously Valbuena's probably not the long term answer at third base. Stranger things have happened though and the Cubs have a dearth of talent at third in the minors. He's only 27 and the job seems to be all his for the moment. Let's see what he does with it.
*Who The Fuck Are These Guys?
10:00 AM | Comments (1) | by Rich Funk
|This picture has nothing to do with anything. I just thought it was dumb.|
It takes a whole lot for something to be so idiotic, so incomprehensibly dumb, that it stops me dead in my tracks and causes my brain to hurt trying to make a modicum of sense of what I'm seeing. It's even harder for something to have that effect on me when I see it on Facebook. Because I regard Facebook as mostly a dumping ground for the very first unfiltered thing that pops up in people's brains, my tolerance for seeing things there that make me want to light myself on fire is pretty high.
But holy shit, I cannot keep what I saw this morning to myself.
As someone that went to high school and college in Illinois, I have a lot of friends on Facebook that are Cubs fans and a lot of friends that are White Sox fans. When both teams clash, I see a lot of updates on Facebook (from both sides) that make me shake my head and move on. But what I woke up to this morning...I'll just jump into sharing it with you. All names have been blocked out to protect the innocent as well as the idiotic.
9:20 AM | Comments (0) | by Arcturus
The only thing I've found frustrating is some of the comments and complaints I've read from some Cub fans on the internets. A lot of people seem to have missed the memo on just what's going on the North Side right now. There was no chance in hell the Cubs were going to be competitive this year, so please dispense with the bitching and moaning about Theo not knowing what he's doing or calling for Dale Sveum to be fired. It just makes our fanbase look foolish.
Yes, the Cubs suck. However, I would argue that this year, the Cubs suck with purpose. As one of the ESPN announcers pointed out last night, this is audition time. Any of the players on the current team might be trade bait or cannon fodder. Guys like Darwin Barney need to step up and prove they deserve to be on this team when the rebuilding dust settles. Theo and Jed are going to be watching carefully to determine who stays and who goes. Meanwhile, they appear to be ready to trade anybody they can get good prospects for, even ready to eat some money in order to do so. Along with the draft and the addition of Jorge Soler, this will go a long way to replenishing a barren farm system. Theo has admitted he made some mistakes in Boston, but most of those mistakes were on the free agent side. This guy knows talent and I have confidence he can build a first rate farm system, which to me is the foundation for sustained success. What a nice change from the Hendry regime, who merely threw oodles of money at the major league roster. The Cubs had a few good seasons with this method, but no sustained success.
Dale Sveum may not have been the sexy hire the fanbase was hoping for, but honestly, if I see one more doofus bitching about Sandberg not being hired, I'm going to slap them around. I'm not sure why these people believe the results would be different with number 23 in charge. I loved Sandberg the player, but Sandberg the manager has never managed at the major league level. There's no way in Hades he'd magically be able to make this a better ballclub. Being a Cub icon ain't gonna make Ian Stewart hit for average, reverse Soriano's steady decline, improve Castro's concentration, or solidify the duct-taped bullpen.
I see Sveum's role much like Alan Trammel's in Detroit a number of years ago. The Cubs have a motley collection of youth and veterans and Sveum's job is to stress the fundamentals and teach these kids to play the game the right way. As they get better, add some better free agents over the next two-three years and all of a sudden, you're ready to compete. Whether Dale will continue to be the manager at that point is anyone's guess, but I think he's the perfect guy for the task at hand. The only thing that worried me at first was how he handled the bullpen, but the bullpen is so bad, there's really no way of telling if he's handling it right or not. It seems like a complete crapshoot as to what kind of performance you're going to get from any Cub reliever at this point. Hard to pin that on Dale.
I hate to say it, but as fans, all we can do is be patient. I think we can look to what's happened in Detroit and Tampa Bay over the last decade to see what the future might hold. You build from the bottom up, not the top down and I think your team is going to always have a chance to be in it. The Cubs are going to have more money to spend than either of those teams in the next few years, but before you start spending money, a solid foundation has to be there. That's what the Cubs are doing this year: pouring the concrete. Yeah, watching it dry isn't going to be super exciting, but what the Cubs build on top of that just might be what Cub fans have been waiting for this past century and change.
11:28 PM | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan
Grain Belt Premium
Brewery: August Schell Brewing Co.
Type: I don't know, fucking BEER I guess.
Receptacle: 16 ounce god damn tall boy
Drinkability (1 being Jim Jones' kool-aid, 10 being the nectar of the gods): 7
It's not bad, but it is a heavy so if you have a vagina and can only handle light beers you're probably not going to fare well.
Heartiness (1 being fresh mountain spring water, 10 being a pureed British steak infected with mad cow disease): 6
It's a regular blue collar beer. It's got some meat to it but it's not going rape your taste buds (it may rape your soul).
Intoxication (1 being your friend's weird pentecostal grandmother high on Jesus, 10 being Boris Yeltsin on a week long bender in the Crimea): 8
It's a traditional macro, and the fact that the ABV isn't labeled leaves me to believe it's probably around a 4.9%. However these are tall boys that I'm drinking. In fact it was a 12 pack of tall boys. I didn't know such things even existed until tonight. What else have I missed in my 33 years of life? So many more questions than answers have arose.
Celebrities You May See Drinking This Brew: Prince, Tim Pawlenty, Jesse Ventura, Rod Carew, Zombie Kirby Puckett, Brian Dennehy.
Affordability ($ being chicklets in Tijuana, $$$$ being diamond encrusted braised lamb shank from a trendy cafe on the Champs d'Elysee): $$: Grain Belt seems to sell at a higher price than PBR or High Life. Sometimes too high in my opinion. You shouldn't be spending over 10 bucks for a 12 pack. Unless of course the 12 pack is god damn tallboys. Seriously, tall boys in a 12 pack? What an age to be alive!
In the world of blue collar macro beers, Grain Belt is really overlooked and underrated in my opinion. PBR has the hipster crowd locked up. Schlitz has the hipsters that have tired of PBR. Old Style has the Cub fans. And High Life picks up the rest of America that shakes their cock at shitty light beer. If you haven't tried Grain Belt I highly recommend it if you can find it. More often than not it comes in bottles. But if you happen to find tall boys in a 12 pack, you buy that shit and never look back.
9:57 AM | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan
Seriously. I understand if you're upset because of the bad call. But show some respect to Santana. It's an official no-hitter so just recognize it as such. You wanna complain about the botched call then do it in your article instead of making a grand juvenile statement in your damn headline. It just makes you, the Cardinal fans, and your city as a whole look extremely petty.
Grow up St. Louis.
4:35 PM | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan
Well I've got good news and bad news.
First, the bad news. It turns out, that the first handful of bars provided nothing real interesting. Unless you enjoy watching relatively sober people quickly chug a beer before heading to the next bar. So I pretty much scrapped any ideas of posting that footage because it's pretty terrible and worthless.
Now the good news. I did eventually get some footage that's pure gold. Apparently shit doesn't start getting crazy enough until after the 8th inning. That footage, my dear readers, you will get to see.
So here's a basic bar-by-bar recap of what transpired, with the few amazing video clips I got added in.
Pre-Crawl: Lucky's Sandwich Shop
Standard meeting place every year. The plan is to fill up on one of their giant sandwiches to give yourself a solid base before the marathon of boozery begins. This may draw the ire of some folks, but can I just say, on the whole I find Lucky's sandwiches to be woefully overrated. Are they decent? Yes. But holy shit, can we take a knee with the fries and cole slaw on top? They make up 75% of the god damn sandwich. I'll happily take both items as sides with my normal sized sandwich thank you. It's disappointing when several bites turn out to be nothing but a french fry and cole slaw sandwich.
Classic Pub Crawl moment. It never fails that at least one bar won't be open for us when we get there. Rebel turned out to be a decent Plan B mainly for its proximity. I drank a Bud Light then I left. That's about all I can say here.
2nd Inning: The Stretch
Always a nice place with good staff. I avoided the wait for a beer and instead bought one from WAIW's Steve's bucket. Fellow TMS Bartender White Chili retells us his story about the time he stole someone's birthday cake from this place.
...on the way to Merkle's, WAIW John (aka Muldoon) offers some solid advice.
(This is the only worthwhile thing I filmed for 8 innings)
3rd Inning: Merkle's
Oh Merkle's. Home to so many terrible drunk moments I either don't or rather choose not to remember. After drinking two pee water Bud Lights I was ready to strap on a real beer so I went with the Dogfish Head 60 Minute IPA. It was nice to finally have a beer that tasted like something. Not much else happened. They have Colonel Sanders statue at the entrance. I have no idea why.
4th Inning: Mullen's
Got an Old Style here. Spent a good chunk of time talking with Corey from Ivy Envy about how to podcast. Most of this conversation has now been lost in a booze-induced fog. I think you gotta record some shit and then put it on the web and... damn. I need to talk to Corey when I'm not drinking.
5th Inning: Sluggers
Like a dumb kid, every time I forego any beer and immediately run upstairs to the batting cages, where I then flail wildly at pitches and see how fast I can give myself blisters from the shitty bats with no gripping on them.
In a strange twist of irony the Captain Morgan Club was close yet The Dugout was open. We must've gotten lucky and got there during one of the 4 hours a week they're open. Two years ago The Dugout was supposed to be a 7th inning stop but wound up being closed, therefore we spent an extra inning at Captain Morgan's instead.
7th Inning: Sports Corner
I never went to the old Sports Corner but the new incarnation is quite nice looking. Drank some High Life and played foosball. A few folks learned two things by being my teammate. 1) I'm fucking terrible at foosball. 2) I'll cheat like a motherfucker. I'm honestly kind of surprised I've never been punched while playing.
8th Inning: Murphy's
OK, now things start taking a turn. And the one firmly grabbing the wheel and veering us towards certain doom, is our good friend Malört. I do believe I had two shots of the stuff while there. Possibly three? It's not that important. What is important is that said Malört consumption then led to this.
After touching the Wrigley Field wall (and Mr. Funk apparently making out with it?), I decide to sprint like a drunken ass down the sidewalk to some folks up ahead. One of which, is our good friend, Mr. John Carruthers. As you can hear in the video as I reach them, John shouts "KARATE KICK!" followed by an audible "thunk" sound and then me making a grunting sound. The "thunk" would be John's foot landing squarely in my stomach. It knocked the wind out of me and I completely biffed on the sidewalk. Impressively though, I maneuvered to protect my iPhone. Aside from a few scrapes I was fine, and once I was able to breathe again I couldn't stop laughing.
9th Inning: Bernie's
We made it! Mostly unscathed. Once I got a beer and sat down I was able to have a word with John asking him to explain what just happened.
Cool story bro!
A little bit later I got some classic footage of a Pub Crawler passed out at the bar.
Ah yes. The official bar of Thunder Matt's Saloon. Had some PBR, did some more shots of Malört, and tried to make friends with an old Puerto Rican dude who was a marine in 'Nam. Pretty sure he was ready to stab me when I left. Oh, and I also made this disturbing discovery. Let me also say that I was pretty much shit-rocked at this point.
Thankfully I wound up not having AIDS. Mr. Funk and I later adjourned and went to the Double Door that night where we saw Electric Six, who managed to render me deaf for at least two days after.
And that's it. Fun times had by all. Oh and the Cubs lost the game too. I guess we were following that supposedly. I can't wait for next year's pub crawl. Hopefully I remember to not go in to John's dojo, WHERE KICK, MEETS CHEST!!!