Top 5 Thanksgiving Movies
November 23, 2022 | Comments (0) | by Governor X
The Top 5 Thanksgiving movies offered without further comment:
1. Planes, Trains, and Automobiles
2. The Ice Storm
3. Scent of a Woman
4. Dutch
5. Die Hard
War Criminal: Other People's Dogs
January 05, 2022 | Comments (0) | by Governor X
No one cares about your dog but you.
The Real Reason There Will Be No 2020 Baseball Season
June 24, 2020 | Comments (0) | by Rich Funk
Because you touch yourself at night and you deserve nothing.
A Tuesday Afternoon Update from Bud Norris
June 23, 2020 | Comments (0) | by Governor X
Braves, err Dodgers, err Cardinals, wait no, apparently Phillies pitcher Bud Norris (aka Nud Borris) loves him some lettuce. It's all he talks about. Ask the Atlanta, LA, or St. Louis beat writers. They'll tell you. Looks like you can ask the Philadelphia beat writers now too. Can someone just sign this guy to a long term deal already? The floor is yours Nud:THANK YOU 8,091 TWEETER PEOPLES!!!!!
Top 5 Christmas Movies of 2019
December 25, 2019 | Comments (0) | by Governor X
A few years ago, a group of internet trolls got together at a Denny's and decided they were going to annoy everyone by saying Die Hard is a Christmas movie. Somehow this horseshit caught on and now people who are only accidentally annoying are saying it. Terrible. Fast forward to 2019 and the term "Christmas movie" no longer has any meaning. Oh well, I might as well take advantage of it. Here then are the Top 5 Christmas Movies of 2019 - "Christmas movie" being defined as anything I watched within a couple weeks of Christmas. Please note, while "Top 5" generally implies I liked them all, you will see that isn't the case. I just happened to watch five. Enjoy.
1. The Rise of Skywalker
The Rise of Skywalker is easily the best Star Wars movie since Return of the Jedi and I'll fight anyone who says otherwise. Oh, I'm sorry, was there too much fan service for you? Well maybe you need to reevaluate your expectations for a movie series where two of the most beloved characters are a furry giant and a beeping trash can on wheels.
2. Bone Tomahawk
I watched this on Christmas Eve while millions of you suckers were at midnight mass. Brush up on your time zones people. Bethlehem is like 10 hours ahead so you should be celebrating sometime in the afternoon. This starts off as a pretty standard but well made western and continues like that for a long time...until it takes a turn. You could say this movie is brutally split in two (hat tip to Ken).
3. The Irishman
It's now official: Al Pacino has used up whatever remaining good will he had from playing Michael Corleone and has to start trying again. Good god was he hamming it up here. The movie itself is pretty decent and it's fun to have De Niro and Pesci teamed up again, but you could easily shave 45 minutes off of this one and no one would even notice.
4. The Two Popes
Finally, that buddy comedy about Pope Francis and Pope Benedict XVI me and like three other people on the planet were waiting for. I really wish Cardinal Ratzinger had chosen "Charles" for his papal name so everyone in this movie would have to call Anthony Hopkins Pope Charles repeatedly. Also, this image of him eating pizza is going to replace the whale in my nightmare.
5. A Marriage Story
The latest offering from Noah Baumbach, America's Dollar Tree Woody Allen, is an unpleasant slog with good acting. He manages to take what would be a relatable situation for a lot of folks, the breakup of a marriage, and makes it as pretentious as possible with bi-coastal theater people and high priced demon divorce lawyers. Do not watch this one if you haven't already.
1. The Rise of Skywalker
The Rise of Skywalker is easily the best Star Wars movie since Return of the Jedi and I'll fight anyone who says otherwise. Oh, I'm sorry, was there too much fan service for you? Well maybe you need to reevaluate your expectations for a movie series where two of the most beloved characters are a furry giant and a beeping trash can on wheels.
2. Bone Tomahawk
I watched this on Christmas Eve while millions of you suckers were at midnight mass. Brush up on your time zones people. Bethlehem is like 10 hours ahead so you should be celebrating sometime in the afternoon. This starts off as a pretty standard but well made western and continues like that for a long time...until it takes a turn. You could say this movie is brutally split in two (hat tip to Ken).
3. The Irishman
It's now official: Al Pacino has used up whatever remaining good will he had from playing Michael Corleone and has to start trying again. Good god was he hamming it up here. The movie itself is pretty decent and it's fun to have De Niro and Pesci teamed up again, but you could easily shave 45 minutes off of this one and no one would even notice.
4. The Two Popes
Finally, that buddy comedy about Pope Francis and Pope Benedict XVI me and like three other people on the planet were waiting for. I really wish Cardinal Ratzinger had chosen "Charles" for his papal name so everyone in this movie would have to call Anthony Hopkins Pope Charles repeatedly. Also, this image of him eating pizza is going to replace the whale in my nightmare.
5. A Marriage Story
The latest offering from Noah Baumbach, America's Dollar Tree Woody Allen, is an unpleasant slog with good acting. He manages to take what would be a relatable situation for a lot of folks, the breakup of a marriage, and makes it as pretentious as possible with bi-coastal theater people and high priced demon divorce lawyers. Do not watch this one if you haven't already.
Spoiler: R2D2 dies in this one.
A Corrected List of Current MLB Managers
October 25, 2019 | Comments (1) | by Governor X
American League
Baltimore Orioles: Brandon Hyde – Buck Showalter
Boston Red Sox: Alex Cora - I guess so?
Chicago White Sox: Rick Renteria – Robin Ventura
Cleveland Indians: Terry Francona - Correct
Detroit Tigers: Ron Gardenhire – Jim Leyland
Houston Astros: A.J. Hinch - Correct
Kansas City Royals: vacant – Ned Yost
Los Angeles Angels: Joe Maddon - Correct
Minnesota Twins: Rocco Baldelli – Ron Gardenhire
New York Yankees: Aaron Boone - Correct
Oakland Athletics: Bob Melvin – Philip Seymour Hoffman
Seattle Mariners: Scott Servais – Lou Piniella
Tampa Bay Rays: Kevin Cash – Turd Ferguson since we're just making names up
Texas Rangers: Chris Woodward – Johnny Oates
Toronto Blue Jays: Charlie Montoyo – Cito Gaston
National League
Arizona Diamondbacks: Torey Lovullo – Bob Brenly
Atlanta Braves: Brian Snitker - Correct
Chicago Cubs: David Ross - Correct
Cincinnati Reds: David Bell – Dusty Baker
Colorado Rockies: Bud Black – Clint Hurdle
Los Angeles Dodgers: Dave Roberts – Correct, unfortunately
Miami Marlins: Don Mattingly – Correct, but I think they prefer Florida Marlins
Milwaukee Brewers: Craig Counsell – Davey Lopes
New York Mets: vacant – Terry Collins
Philadelphia Phillies: Joe Girardi - Correct
Pittsburgh Pirates: vacant – Lloyd McClendon
St. Louis Cardinals: Mike Shildt – Mike Matheny
San Diego Padres: Jayce Tingler - Correct
San Francisco Giants: vacant - Correct
Washington Nationals: Dave Martinez – Davey Johnson
Nicholas Castellanos is Pretty OK
August 06, 2019 | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan
TMS Investigates: Who Pooped in Vinnie Vincent's Tub?
November 16, 2018 | Comments (0) | by Governor X
Earlier this year, mad with power and Apple Music, I
listened to the entire KISS catalog. I’d
always liked a few songs, but never bothered to listen to the bulk of their
music, but with easy access, it was finally time. This delighted fellow TMS bartender Chaim
Witz, a lifetime member of the KISS Army, who assigned me Vinnie Vincent’s Ankh
Warrior as my KISS character. Little did
he know that when I unveiled my KISS album rankings, the Vinnie Vincent era
would be near the top of the list (perhaps a bit too high upon further review,
but that’s another story).
Maybe you know the bizarre story of post-KISS Vinnie or
maybe you don’t. Rolling Stone had a
pretty thorough article on it here, but the TLDR version is he moved to Tennessee, became a recluse, kept dead
dogs in storage bins, and periodically scammed some fans. The most shocking development was yet to come
though. As first reported by @KISSman onTwitter, someone had pooped in Vinnie’s tub:
What
kind of a monster would do such a thing?
My first thought was fellow TMS bartender Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan, a
known KISS hater and all around reprobate, but he assured me that since it
would involve entering the state of Tennessee, it wasn’t him. It made sense. I had to investigate though. This aggression would not stand. Vinnie himself is apparently so terrified he
only recently reemerged and now lives in permanent disguise as Ann Wilson from Heart.
Since the poop in
question occurred in Tennessee, I first reached out to my good friend Dolly
Parton, who also happens to be the biggest gossip in the state. Dolly and I go back years and now that Kenny
Rogers is dead, I’m one of only three living people that have seen her without
a wig. She said she wasn’t aware of the
offending turd, but suggested I get my butt over to Tennessee if I wanted any
answers: “Governor X, you won’t know a
lick of a spit on a tick or some other southernism about this if’in you don’t
head down there and investigate.”
My god.
Tennessee. A wasteland of wannabe
country singers and people in ugly orange hats.
What choice did I have though? No
one else was going to investigate this.
Certainly not the liberal media!
I headed off to the airport and caught the first flight to Nashville,
which inexplicably involved changing planes in Quebec City. Fucking airlines.
I hit the ground as a pilgrim in an unholy land, rented a
car, and drove out to Smyrna, the scene of the crime. The Vinnie Vincent Estate isn’t easy to find,
but the locals were no help. Every
inquiry devolved into a tale of colorful local history. Eventually I found it on my own. You could almost hear the guitar riffs of
Lick It Up as the wind blew through the abandoned home, which was now populated
only by raccoons.
I finally made it to the bathroom. Jesus.
There it is. The turd. It was still there! I collapsed into a heap on the ground and
tried to compose myself. Who? What?
Why? The questions raced through
my head. Damn it man, you’ve got to
focus here. What would your favorite
unnamed Scandinavian detective do? I
shook it off and focused. Using some
things I “borrowed” from a buddy in my local sheriff’s department, I carefully
took a sample in a crime scene bag.
What now though?
Surely there wasn’t a police department south of Chicago that could
actually run tests on this for me. Plan
B it was then. I got back in my car and
headed to the nearest diner. I’d just go
table to table confronting them with the turd until I got answers.
I burst in and said, “NOW LISTEN UP YOU
HAYSEEDS, I WANT SOME ANSWERS.” First, a
woman with poofy hair eating with her two grown sons.
“What do you have to say for yourself? Is this your doing?”
Silence from all three.
I see how it is. On to the next
table.
“You there, Hee Haw, did you shit in the tub?”
Son, I don’t rightly know
what you’re gettin’ on about here.
This is going to take a while. I went from table to table, waving the poop
sample bag in front of them as they ate, but it was just one stonewall after
another. Finally the man in the NRA hat
had some answers.
“Did you sh-…” He cut me off.
Soros.
“What?”
Soros. The billionaire banker. Things like this are always linked to George
Soros. Look it up. You might need to
look around though, ‘they’ [he makes air quotes] don’t want you to know. Trust me.
A man in an NRA hat wouldn’t lie. I knew he was leading me in the right
direction, so I made it back to my hotel and got online. I was aghast.
It was all here. Protests, fluoride
in the water, football players kneeling…all Soros. I clenched my fist and muttered his
name. He had to be the pooper, or
responsible for the pooper. George Soros
is Hungarian, so it looked like Budapest was my next stop.
Three days and eight layovers later, I landed in Budapest. Naturally, I was immediately accosted by
gypsy pickpockets – sorry, Roma
pickpockets. I don’t want to offend
anyone! Anyway, after defending my
belongings, I hail a cab and tell the cabbie to take me straight to Soros’ lair.
As it turns out, Soros’ Dracula-style mountain lair is
actually a tasteful home near the city center.
I rang the bell, expecting to be whisked away by his jackbooted goons,
but instead a kindly old man answers the door.
May I help you?
“Thank goodness you instinctively knew to speak
English. Are you George Soros?”
Yes, what can I do for
you?
“AH HA! J’accuse! Is
this your handiwork?”
I whip out the bag of poop, knowing I’ve nailed it.
I think you’d better
come inside. We should talk.
I step inside. As
usual, Soros was ten steps ahead. No
plans for world domination sitting on the coffee table or secret weapons
systems. Just pictures of the grandchildren
an unopened mail. Who does he think he’s
fooling? We sit down and he offers
tea. I assume it’s poisoned, but I don’t
want to be rude and drink anyway. It’s
chamomile. Gross! I just come out with it.
“Why did you shit in Vinnie Vincent’s tub?”
Well, you wouldn’t
know it to look at me, but I used to rock.
Back in the 80s, before getting into the world domination game, I
dabbled in a bit of hair metal myself.
Played the bass. I was good
too! Anyway, when I heard Vinnie was
working on a side project, I thought this was my big chance. I flew to Los Angeles and auditioned to play
bass in the Vinnie Vincent Invasion. I
nailed it too, as much as you can nail a bass line. When it was done, he thanked me for coming in
and said I’d hear from him. I never
did. After years of waiting, I vowed revenge. I would settle this score by sowing discord
and toppling regimes throughout the world.
I’d also poop in his tub one day.
Then, about 6 years ago, my people on the ground told me he had gone out
to buy new dead dog tubs and now was the time to strike. So I went, I pooped in the tub, and I
left. I regret nothing.
“You know what Mr. Soros. That all makes sense. That seems like a perfectly reasonable
reaction to not getting a gig in a band.
Well, thank you for the tea and the kind chat. I’ll be off.”
And that’s that.
Turns out you kind of deserved this Vinnie.
TMS Improv with Bud Norris
February 13, 2018 | Comments (0) | by Governor X
Braves, err Dodgers, no wait, Cardinals (really?) pitcher Bud Norris (aka Nud Borris) loves him some lettuce. It's all he talks about. Ask the Atlanta or LA beat writers. They'll tell you. You could ask the Cardinals beat writers too, but you'd get a long lecture on the best baseball town in America or some such shit, so know what you'll be dealing with. Anyway, he recently contacted us and told us he had a great joke. Take it away Nud:Hello Norris Nation, Bud here. Stop me if you've heard this one before. A guy walks in to the doctor's office with a piece of lettuce sticking out of his butt. The doctor takes a look and says "I think this is just the tip of the iceberg." (rimshot)
Governor X's Best of 2017
December 22, 2017 | Comments (2) | by Governor X
Look, none of you give a damn but I love a good year end list more than I should, so here are some Top 5 of 2017 lists for you. I'm old and don't actually go to the movies anymore.
Top 5 2017 Movies I Added to My Will-Eventually-See List but Didn’t Go See
1) Trainspotting 2
2) Star Wars: The Last Jedi
3) It
4) Alien Covenant
5) I, Tonya
Top 5 Albums of 2017
1) The Used – The Canyon
2) The Killers – Wonderful Wonderful
3) Taylor Swift – Reputation
4) U2 – Songs of Experience
5) AFI – The Blood Album
Top 5 Worst Artists of 2017
1) Imagine Dragons
2) All the rap ones
3) John Mayer
4) Coldplay
5) Maroon 5
Top 5 Songs on Chinese Democracy
1) Better
2) Shackler's Revenge
3) Catcher in the Rye
4) Madagascar
5) This I Love
Top 5 Albums From Artists I Used to Like but Aren’t Any Good Anymore
1) Tokio Hotel – Dream Machine
2) Bush – Black and White Rainbows
3) Pitbull – Climate Change
4) Rise Against – Wolves
5) Kelly Clarkson – Meaning of Life
Top 5 Songs on Sixteen Stone in 2017
1) Machinehead
2) Comedown
3) Testosterone
4) Alien
5) Glycerine
Top 5 Dumbest Current Members of the US Senate
1. Mazie Hirono
2. Susan Collins
3. Bill Cassidy
4. Joni Ernst
5. Ron Johnson
Top 5 2017 Movies I Added to My Will-Eventually-See List but Didn’t Go See
1) Trainspotting 2
2) Star Wars: The Last Jedi
3) It
4) Alien Covenant
5) I, Tonya
Top 5 Albums of 2017
1) The Used – The Canyon
2) The Killers – Wonderful Wonderful
3) Taylor Swift – Reputation
4) U2 – Songs of Experience
5) AFI – The Blood Album
Top 5 Worst Artists of 2017
1) Imagine Dragons
2) All the rap ones
3) John Mayer
4) Coldplay
5) Maroon 5
Top 5 Songs on Chinese Democracy
1) Better
2) Shackler's Revenge
3) Catcher in the Rye
4) Madagascar
5) This I Love
Top 5 Albums From Artists I Used to Like but Aren’t Any Good Anymore
1) Tokio Hotel – Dream Machine
2) Bush – Black and White Rainbows
3) Pitbull – Climate Change
4) Rise Against – Wolves
5) Kelly Clarkson – Meaning of Life
Top 5 Songs on Sixteen Stone in 20171) Machinehead
2) Comedown
3) Testosterone
4) Alien
5) Glycerine
Top 5 Dumbest Current Members of the US Senate
1. Mazie Hirono
2. Susan Collins
3. Bill Cassidy
4. Joni Ernst
5. Ron Johnson
Breaking News: Curie Out as Tennessee Athletic Director
December 01, 2017 | Comments (2) | by Governor X
Tennessee Athletic Director Curie has been relieved of her duties. She has vowed to devote more time to scientific research.
