Introducing Knuckle Sandwich: The New Sport of Kings

10:27 AM | Comments (0) | by Shooter Muldoon

The beating heart of human achievement, no matter what the field, depends on continually pushing boundaries. Can a man hit 71 homers? What is the human stomach's capacity for hot dogs? How can a physicist ... do good physics thing?

What if I told you that TMS bartender Rich and I have rolled all the greatest physical, mental, and emotional challenges from those fields into one special custom maki roll of pure iron will? Surely it would be the greatest sport of all time. And so it is. BEHOLD!

The skyscraper of the human mind that is Knuckle Sandwich is based upon twin pillars of undeniable truth. To wit:

- Physical violence is a primal act that stirs the spirit and angries up the blood - the purest distillation of sport.

- Eating contests are the horrifying manifestation of man's darkest nature.

We've combined these things to forge a sport that plays to all regions of man's primordial Ape-Brain. It's the ultimate contest of gentlemanly fortitude. It begins with a challenge, one man to another. Twelve ounce boxing gloves, a standard ring, and the sandwich of the challenged duelist's choice.

"What's that?" you say. "A sandwich?" 

Yeah, man. 

The challenge is simple: 60 second rounds of boxing, followed by 30 second rounds of eating. To win:

- Finish the sandwich in full.

- Make your opponent throw up.

That's it. It's so simple - yet like chess, there are many branching paths to victory or defeat. The head is well padded, and gloves are 12 oz. So battering one's opponent about the head isn't the clearest path to victory. Yet focusing entirely on eating could leave one vulnerable to the vomitous power of the left hook. Think you can chow down then dance away from repeated body punches? Good luck with that, Punch Idiot.

Can you eat? Can you fight? Can you do both reasonably well? Then welcome to Knuckle Sandwich.

Inaugural Championship Divisions

- Hot Pastrami with Spicy Mustard (Knuckle Sandwich Classic)

- Nashville Hot Chicken (Knuckle Sandwich Diablo)

- Chicken Tinga Tortas (Bocadillo Nudillo)

- Lettuce Wraps (Gluten Free Knuckle Sandwich)

- Battle for the Galaxy (1 LB Astronaut Ice Cream, Ring is a Trampoline)

- 6' Party Sub (Knuckle Sandwich, Heavyweight Division)

- Endless Pieogi Hell (Golonka KanapkÄ™)

- Knucklopoulous Sandwichipillos (Gyro Brawl)

Names will be made. Legends will be forged. As intense as MMA, but without all the  sweaty wrestling and sexually confused man-boy fans. A thousand years from now, when Mike Trout is naught but a set of bones in the Space Smithsonian, the Sultans of Mars will wildly throw their Mars Dollars at the greatest eating and hitting and eating-hitting champions the solar system has to offer. Torbog Ricketts IX will finally hire TheoBot 9000 to rebuild the proud MarsCago Fighting Stable to the glories of the past. Past, present, and future will all rush to claim glory in a sport built for the screaming rush toward dominance that is the heart of mankind. And you were here to witness its birth.

Float like a butterfly, sting like a ham-laden Kathy Bates. Make way for Knuckle Sandwich!

TMS Late Night: Update - So Far, So Good Game of Thrones

9:00 PM | Comments (0) | by Governor X

Back in April, I posted my top 5 GOT characters we haven't heard from in a while. So far so good!

5. That Guy Who Couldn't Die - Just saw him this week. Looks like he still can't die.

4. Edmure Tully - Alive and semi-well. He has a baby he's never seen, which is by far the best kind of baby.

3. Daario Naharis - You see GOT reddit, this was a joke. Are you familiar with the concept? They did a really poor job recasting him, so it was almost like Daario went away and was replaced by his distant cousin Waario. Anyway, we actually haven't heard from Daario in a couple weeks now, which is for the best since he's one of my "Top 5 Game of Thrones Characters That Should Go Away For A While."

2. Robert Baratheon’s Bastard (one of them anyway) - STILL MISSING

1. Rickon - Ramsay's new toy. Now he won't be able to father a child to carry on the Stark name either!


So You Don't Have To: Arby's Gyro

3:49 PM | Comments (4) | by Governor X

Earlier this week, Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan requested that someone in the TMS crew eat an Arby's Gyro. Never one to back down from an "eat this weird thing" food challenge (seriously Ben, I will get to your pizza request), I stepped up to the plate. I thought I was prepared for this, but I forgot it was Arby's. Those sons of bitches always have a SHOCKING TWIST up their sleeve.

I figure the easiest way to do this is to do this is to take their own description of the gyro and just go through point by point:

Nothing says “I am an adventurous eater and interesting person” like eating a gyro at Arby’s. Our classic thinly sliced roast beef is topped with lettuce, onions and tomatoes, cool creamy tzatziki sauce, and authentic Greek seasonings all hugged by a warm pita.

Way to set the bar high Arby's. It's like I'm already in Athens, only with less fascism, smog, and crippling unemployment. Before I begin though, I feel obligated to let you know there was a guy with a Make America Great Again hat eating there...because of course there was. Let's go!

Nothing says “I am an adventurous eater and interesting person” like eating a gyro at Arby’s.

I do consider myself an adventurous eater in that I'll try pretty much any food I find at least once, but this is a god damn Arby's. There's only one of them in every shitty town on the interstate in this country. That doesn't require a lot of adventure. As far as being interesting, well probably at one point maybe I was but I'm in my mid thirties now and just marching towards my inevitable doom like the rest of you slobs. To prove it, I just had lunch at Arby's.

Our classic thinly sliced roast beef...

Well yes. This certainly is Arby's thinly sliced roast beef on a gyro. If you're one of those "no red meat" people (eyeroll), they have a turkey option for you! AUTHENTICITY topped with lettuce, onions and tomatoes...

Shredded iceberg lettuce to entice Bud Norris, raw red onions because those are always a hit, and the same never quite ripe slices of tomatoes you've come to expect from a fast food sandwich. creamy tzatziki sauce...

Alright. Let's linger here for a minute. Like with any food, there are varying degrees of quality to tzatziki sauce. Some are well seasoned and perfectly compliment the sandwich, while others taste like someone put mayo and cucumber in a blender. This is neither. It exists somewhere on its own plane. There isn't much of it on the sandwich, which is for the best because it's runny like my poop is sure to be after this digests and tastes like they may have just watered down some ranch dressing they had on hand.

...and authentic Greek seasonings...

Authentic Greek seasonings = a light dusting of some parsley and salt mixture.

...all hugged by a warm pita.

I think we can all agree hugged is a weird verb choice there. We've all experienced one and I don't think any of us thought of pita bread. As far as the quality of the pita, this particular Arby's used to be a Taco Bell and the pita bread may just be leftover gordita bread they found when they moved in.

How does it all come together? Strangely. The "tzatziki" and pita bread combine to somehow make the sandwich taste like it has cheese on it even though there isn't any. So imagine how unpleasant and weird a gyro with cheese might taste and then remember there is no actual cheese on it. The roast beef as gyro meat was just lumped on there in the same half-assed way they lump it on their regular sandwiches and every bit as unsatisfying. By the end, I was contemplating dousing the thing in Arby's Sauce so I could get to the end, but I powered through. I don't ever want to eat this thing again and I will curse Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan for the rest of my life.

Final Grade: F

Thank god Pepos' internet got shut off so he doesn't have to see this abomination.

Are You Ready To Get Gisted?

4:30 PM | Comments (0) | by Governor X

Hey look, a post! Cubs went 7-1 since you last got gisted.


War Criminal Update: Shia LaBeouf Still At Large

2:00 PM | Comments (0) | by Governor X

Back in 2007, this guy named Shia LaBeouf came on my radar. As you can see, I instinctively knew he was a terrible human being, guilty of multiple war crimes.

Holy shit did I underestimate how bad he was.

When I wrote that 9 years ago, LaBeouf was a mere Idi Amin. Since then he's turned into a full blown Josef Stalin, brutalizing the world with his "art."

He came up again because he's decided to hitchhike across America as some sort of performance art/pogrom. It might be sort of clever I guess had John Waters not done the exact same thing just last year.

What else has he been up to since we last checked in? Here's a sampling:

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - I'm an apologist for this movie and will argue until the day I die it's better than the now virtually unwatchable Temple of Doom, but man, he makes that a tough sell. The low point of Indiana Jones is when he swings on vines with some monkeys. I don't even remember why. I just see owls now.

Whatever the fuck this is.

He wore a bag to the Berlin Film Festival. Seriously. Look at that fucking thing.

He sat in a theater for six days, for you know, art or something, and let people come see him. One lady molested him. Good for her.

He paid for #StopCreating and #StartCreating skywriting over LA - because if there's one thing LA needs it's more shit in the air. Maybe next time he can create a traffic jam.

BTW, those last three things may all have been plagiarized to some degree.

We need to stay vigilant people. How can a criminal like this walk free for years? Even Roman Polanski has to hide out in Europe and all he did was drug a teenage girl and...uh, well never mind that I guess. Anyway, we all need to do as the state security apparatus suggests and say something if we see something. Did you see Nymphomaniac? Call DHS. Immediately. If you're a spoiled Hollywood douche canoe, you can even call it art!

The Gist - The Bats Awaken, Beat Cards

7:30 PM | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan

Rich is off to go get married or some shit. So you're stuck with me recapping what happened this past series. Expect 50% less effort, and 150% more cursing. Here we go!

What Happened: We won a fucking series again is what happened. Taking two of three from the Cardinals in St. Louis was a nice way to cap off a rather disappointing road trip. We went into a slump and yet we maintained the best record in baseball during the down period. I think we'll be fine.

After losing a heartbreaker Monday on a walk-off home run from noted trailer trash Randal Grichuk, the Cubs proceeded to curbstomp the Cardinals on Tuesday 12-3. They followed that up with a 9-8 squeaker on Wednesday. It appears the hot summer weather has heated the bats up again and they were certainly a welcome sight, especially on Wednesday when Arrieta was knocked around for four earned runs. Do you even remember the last time Jake gave up 4 earned runs in a regular season contest? Yeah I didn't either. Turns out it was June 16th last year. Now that he's got that out of the way I'm sure we'll have another 11 months before it happens again, right?

Series MVP: Pat Hughes and Ron Coomer. They're really in midseason form calling games. And we also learned a little about Shakespeare and Socrates as well!

Series LVP: Tommy LaStella. I don't care what you do, you'll never win my approval you son of a bitch.

Read This: If you don't read Deadspin much you may be missing out on these gems. They've been chronicling every Cardinal loss this season with a recap. It's the perfect satisfying little read for every person that reviles St. Louis, which unless you're a Cardinals fan I assume is everyone on the planet. Fuck this team.

"YOU ARE NEXT" (brought to you by TMS Correspondent Chong Li):

Cubs begin a weekend series at home tomorrow against the Philadelphia Phillies. And before you go underestimating them as NL East doormats, go check the standings real quick. Yeah... They're 26-21 and only two games back of the Nats. This isn't a team to take lightly and their young pitching has proven to be quite tough. Their offense however can easily be squashed. The team's run differential right now is -31, which is the same as the Houston Astros. Stats are fun.

Here's to a three game sweep this weekend and a happy wedding for Rich and the poor lady that agreed to marry that shithead.

The Gist: Cubs 2, Brewers 1

11:12 AM | Comments (0) | by Rich Funk

What Happened: I fell asleep some time after the 11th inning. But apparently the Cubs won. Hooray! According to my phone, it happened on a...bases loaded Travis Wood walk? HAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That's the most Milwaukee way to lose a game in the history of Milwaukee losing games (it's a long history)! AND the Brewers loaded the bases with 0 outs and didn't get anything out of it? This is PEAK BREWERS.

Game MVP: Today's award was all ready to go to David Ross for gunning down a thousand (seriously, look it up) Brewers on the basepaths last night, but I gotta give at least a share of the award to Travis Wood who not only came into a bases loaded, 0 out game, but escaped without giving up a run. That's the equivalent of picking up a 7/10 split in bowling. And to top it off, he drew a bases loaded walk to score the go-ahead run in the top of the 13th. I'm as far from being a major league pitcher than anyone, but I gotta believe that with the bases loaded and a pitcher at the dish, on a full count you would be like "Well, I should probably make sure to get this one over the plate and see what happens!"

Nope! Cubs win!

Game LVP: I can't quite say that I disagree with a lot of what Joe Maddon does, but he does have an annoying habit of taking players out of the game when I don't think he has to. He pinch ran Baez for Rizzo in the 9th inning. Yes, Baez is faster than Rizzo, but Rizzo is a great baserunner for a man his size and in the end Baez's speed wasn't even a factor. Then again, Joe Maddon is being paid more than I'll ever make to decide those things, so who am I to criticize?

So About Those Cubs Bats...: Let's address the elephant in the room: the Cubs have been completely shut down over the last 2 days by Chase Anderson and Jimmy Nelson, who are not what anyone would call "solid". I think that part of it is that both of them pitched really well. The Cubs haven't looked bad necessarily, and I do think that Anderson and Nelson pitched at about the best of their abilities. Hey, even the hottest teams cool off and have a stinker every once in a while.

One thing that I think is contributing to the Cubs Offensive Funk of May 2016 is Dexter Fowler. When he was smoking hot during April, the Cubs offense followed suit. Hell, the hashtag #YouGoWeGo was created for that very reason. But what we all need to keep in mind is that Fowler has always been a suuuuuuper streaky player, so to see him cool off a bit in May isn't too much of a surprise. Look at his monthly OBP splits from last year:

April: .372
May: .293
June: .286
July: .411
August: .408
September: .293

Six months...three over .370 OBP, three under .300. Remember going into the playoffs last year when there was talk of benching Fowler in September? I think what you're seeing now is what the Cubs offense might have looked like those first few weeks in April when Bryant/Rizzo/Zobrist were ice cold if Dexter hadn't been playing out of his mind.

It doesn't mean that the Cubs aren't still the best lineup in baseball, because I firmly believe that they are. I'm just saying that we have to remember stretches like this happen, and when your leadoff guy cools off, it makes it tough on the whole lineup. And it also doesn't help that our #2 hitter is almost non-existent on the offensive end.

"YOU ARE NEXT" (brought to you by TMS Correspondent Chong Li):

The Cubs try to take the series from the Brewers at 12:40 CST with Jason "Great Before July" Hammel going against Javy "Who?" Guerra. It would be great for the Cubs to finally flex the pecs against the Brewers and put up 5-6 runs like we're used to because we've been spoiled so far this season.