So About Tonight...

3:59 PM | Comments (0) | by Governor X

God, it's been such a long wait. Can you remember what you were doing? Were you even born?

Of course you were. Game 7 was June 19th. Are you an infant? If so, go back to bed. Stupid babies.

Tonight is BALL NIGHT as the 2016-2017 NBA season is finally upon us. To celebrate, the NBA released their team "hashflags," which for those of you over the age of 20 are hashtags that will prompt a fun little graphic. These are, unfortunately, terrible;

#TakeNote? #ItTakesEverything? Are these seriously the best the league office could come up with? And what the fuck is #MFFL? Marketing 101: if you have to ask what this is, you fail.

As usual, if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself. "DIY" as Swanny used to say (RIP Swanny, he died like he lived: whittling shirtless). Here are the new and improved TMS NBA Team Hashflags for 2016-2017. These suck too, but damn it, I did it with love:

Game 3 Recap: Get It All Out

10:16 AM | Comments (0) | by Rich Funk

I'm really frustrated and angry. In sports, the mantra is "stay positive and believe" but holy crap, are the Cubs testing my patience.

You know what? For just a minute, let's forget all that. Let's embrace the doom and gloom because honestly, getting all the garbage the last 2 games has built up in your soul out into the open is good for you. Here are all the awful things I've seen over the last 2 games in no particular order.
  • Addison Russell needs to be benched for a game. He's absolutely lost and waving at garbage pitches that are a foot outside and low. He needs a mental break and should really try and figure out what he's doing wrong or what pitchers have done to him that he hasn't adjusted back to. Remember, this isn't just Awful Playoff Addison. Russell has shown that he's no stranger to getting ice cold for long stretches at a time. In April, he hit .214. In June, he hit .214. In September, he hit .231. It's amazing what an All Star start and Jason Heyward's own shittiness can distract from. I'm not saying Russell isn't a great player (especially considering how young he is), but he's not as good a hitter as you might think.
  • Could the Cubs possibly hit any more baseballs directly at Dodger fielders? The Cubs' batting average on balls put into play last night was .190. If you're not familiar with BABIP, that's really, really, REALLY bad.
  • I understand the importance of confidence and bravado in sports, but man is it tough to see Arrieta talk such a big game sometimes and lay a hot steamy dump on the mound. He talks and acts like he's the same pitcher from the second half of 2015, but he is absolutely not that guy. He's not even the Arrieta we saw in 2014. He's not even Jason Hammel over the last half a season. Over his last 16 starts (which doesn't even include one good postseason start and last night's hot fart), Jake has a 4.44 ERA and has walked 3.7 batters per 9 innings over that time, which is awful. I know that Smoltz went on and on last night about how sometimes Arrieta's control can leave for a bit and the window of time before he gets it back is the opportunity to score, but I don't think that's the case. It's not that he loses control for a bit, it's that he only has control from time to time. The majority of his second half starts, Jake's mechanics just look awful. And yes, I know next to nothing about mechanics and hitches in deliveries and what not, but you can't watch Arrieta pitch and say that he looks like he's doing a fluid and effective pitching motion. From the first batter of the game, his fastball location was way off from where Montero was positioning himself.
  • Remember how last year's Cubs were susceptible to power pitchers who could rack up strikeouts and then they just so happened to run into a Mets team that had 4 guys like that in their rotation? We're looking at a same song, different verse this season. I know that a lot of analysts have mentioned that the Cubs are one of the better hitting teams against lefties this season, but that includes all lefties. If there's one thing we've seen so far this playoff series, it's that this is a team that is built to struggle against elite lefties with high strikeout rates. "Well how many of those are out there?" is a valid question, because there aren't a ton. But we've managed to face them in 4 of our 7 playoff games (Bumgarner/Moore/Kershaw/Hill). For a team that gets torn apart by elite left handed pitching, that's no good. Did I mention that 75% of the Dodger rotation is left handed?
  • The number of hard choices that need to be made against left handed starters is a domino effect of garbage. Do you keep Heyward in the lineup, knowing that you're trading 9 innings of awesome fielding for an 0-4 day at the plate? Do you put in Jorge Soler knowing that he's ice cold and not that great a defender?
  • I'm finished with the "Montero needs to be Arrieta's personal catcher" bullshit now too. Jake is terribly slow to the plate and Montero absolutely has the worst arm of any catcher on the roster. Even if the steals don't show up in the box score, the constant threat from the runner at first (added to Jake's shaky mechanics) is enough of a distraction to affect the game.
  • The bottom line is that right now, there are 2 slumping parts of the lineup that have shown at least some signs of life (Rizzo, Zobrist) and a whopping 4 players (Russell, Heyward, Montero, pitcher's spot) that look absolutely lost right now. When 4 lineup spots contribute nothing and two others are barely doing better than that, you're not going to score many runs against ANYONE, let alone a handful of the best pitchers on the planet.
  • I know that by the strict definition, tonight's game isn't a "must win" because it's only game 4, but every Cubs fan knows that with Kershaw ready to go tomorrow night in the case of a 3-1 Dodgers series lead, the Cubs have to win tonight to get back in this series. And they have to do that with John Lackey, who was brought in to win these exact types of games except for the fact that he looks super worn out right now and is on a super small sample size streak of 2 straight bad playoff starts.

Who needs a drink?

Ok, so as much as I want to just sit here and wallow in the reverse shower of anger and gloom, there are a few things to keep in mind:
  1. The Cubs had to come back and win 3 out of 4 games to beat the Cardinals in the playoffs last year. Granted, the Cardinals didn't have Clayton Kershaw, but it's not like they haven't been in this position before.
  2. To really emphasize just how NOT deep of a hole the Cubs are in right now, if they win tonight (against a rookie), they will not only be tied with the Dodgers 2-2, but they will also have homefield advantage back for the remaining games. Yes, with just one win.
  3. Yes, it is a SUPER SUPER small sample size, but the Cubs are slashing .359/.405/.995 against Urias.
That's all I can think of. Feel free to get your Cubs hate out in some way or another and come into tonight's game in the right mindset.

I hate baseball so much right now.

The Gist: Not Great, Bob

8:51 AM | Comments (0) | by Rich Funk

Yes, I stayed awake for the whole game last night. If one person this morning asks me "Was it worth it?" I will murder them for 2 reasons. First, I don't even know how to answer that question. Did Bryant's homer make it worth staying up? Was the potential to watch them clinch worth my current zombie-like state? I can't begin to sufficiently answer that kind of question. Second, as I mentioned before, I am in a sleep-deprived zombie state and zombies murder, so consider yourself murdered, hypothetical person.

So yeah, the game last night was full of ups and downs (and ups and downs and ups and downs). I liked some of the things I saw. I disliked other things that I saw. I tasted vomit in the back of my throat from some of the things I saw. Let's get down to it in a structure that I decided upon this morning to be the least amount of effort on my part to write so I can get back to dreaming about eating Rick Grimes' brains.

The Good:

  • Holy crap, Arrieta with that moonshot! Everyone is always so quick to give Madison Bumgarner credit as the best hitting pitcher in baseball, but Arrieta actually had a better overall line this season at the plate (.262/.304/.415) than Bumgarner (.186/.268/.360) by quite a bit. Arrieta muscling up and driving a ball into the stands shouldn't surprise anyone. The fact that he did it off of Madison Bumgarner was plenty impressive though.
  • Man, a whole lot of calls went the Cubs' way, none bigger than the throw that pulled Rizzo off the bag at first that somehow did not get overturned. I mean I'll take whatever breaks the Cubs can get in the playoffs, but I'm sure I could look at the 12 inch TV/VCR combo I had in college and watched the game via antenna instead of cable and still have been able to point out the inch of space between Rizzo's foot and the bag.
  • Almora's catch was insane. I am going to miss Dexter Fowler like a son when he leaves Chicago, but Almora's play as a rookie that was called up a little early out of necessity has me excited about seeing what he can do over a full season. Plus, it would be great if the Cubs organization could finally develop a young, talented position player. HAHAHAHAHA JUST KIDDING WE HAVE LIKE 12 OF THEM AND I AM STILL GOING SLEEP INSANE.
  • Bryant's game tying home run in the 9th inning is exactly what an MVP does in a big moment. Kris Bryant is so good and I can't wait to sign him to a 50 year deal for $3 billion.
  • We should take a second and really appreciate the talented lefty difference-maker that we were able to bring onboard at the trade deadline. When someone writes a book about the 2016 Cubs, I hope there's a whole chapter about how overlooked and awesome Mike Montgomery (or MIKMON as we call him around here) is. I pray that the fact that he eventually lost the game doesn't overshadow how awesome he was last night. Yes, he's started and relieved this year so we know he can do either job, but going 4 innings out of nowhere is a really tough thing to do, and MIKMON battled through, looking pretty gassed into just his second inning of work.
The Bad:

  • I am not second guessing Joe's use of the bullpen on the field last night (more on what I mean in a minute), because other than maybe leaving in Strop for a bit longer if possible, he played it like he should have. The unfortunate side effect is that a lot of the bullpen might be pretty spent. MIKMON won't be able to go for sure, which is unfortunate considering how many lefty bats the Giants have to use.
  • Unfortunately, the guys that probably will be available tonight are the ones that I really don't want to see right now. I'll get to Chapman in a minute, but that's not all that's rotten in Denmark. Hector Rondon hasn't looked good since coming back from his injury. His velocity seems fine, so maybe it's a mechanical thing. Whatever thing it is, thing needs to get fixed.
  • The one thing I will criticize a bit was Joe having multiple members of the bullpen all warm up for 7 innings before coming into the game. Now I trust that Joe knows more about bullpen management than I do, but it just seemed like Montgomery (and later Edwards Jr.) were wasting valuable pitches trying to stay loose for multiple innings. Could Montgomery have been sharp enough to make it through 5 scoreless if he didn't have to get up and sit down multiple times? Will Edwards Jr. have any ill effects from the amount of time he warmed up and didn't make it into the game?
  • The Cubs left a LOOOOOOOT of men on base last night. Every opportunity to seemingly drive a steak through Bumgarner's heart was squashed. Like Smoltz said during last night's broadcast, Bumgarner's ability to grind out 5 innings was so valuable to the Giants and their (usually) terrible bullpen.
The Ugly:
  • Last night we got Bad Jake, the version of Jake that we saw a lot over his last 16 starts. And before I say anything else, I know that I'm talking about a guy who is the reigning Cy Young winner and threw a no-hitter this year. But it's exactly because we've been so spoiled by those Jakes that we can tell that something just isn't clicking with Bad Jake. I don't think any pitcher not named Kershaw could replicate Arrieta's second half of 2015, but the way Arrieta is pitching right now isn't even the Arrieta from the first half, or even 2014 Arrieta for that matter. I don't know enough about pitching to offer any detail as to what exactly is wrong, but when Jake gets out of whack, when he can't locate his fastball and looks like his mechanics are pulling him off course...there's gotta be SOMETHING that can be fixed, right?
  • Aroldis Chapman was terrible last night. His command was off, much like it's been off a lot lately. Now when you throw 100+ MPH hitters tend to get themselves out so you can cover it up. But I guarantee you that the book on Chapman for any team facing the Cubs for the rest of the postseason will be "Be patient and make him actually throw strikes." The number of pitches he threw last night that were in the opposite part of the strike zone than they were called for was frightening.
  • Rizzo continues to slump. I know it's not all his fault, especially on a night when he faced a million lefties, but it would be really nice to see a big game out of him tonight.
I was mad when the Cubs lost last night. I kept thinking that San Francisco is the exact team you don't want to let off the hook and the last thing you need to do in a short series is give your opponent any momentum, especially in their park. I was mad that the team wasn't able to take advantage of Kris Bryant's bring-us-back-from-the-dead home run.

But then I remembered that juuuuust about everything had to go right for the Giants last night. They had to start the guy that is one of the greatest postseason pitchers of all time AND rely on an abnormal amount of left handed hitters to get hits off of tough left handed pitchers (seriously, the lefty Giants were 6-for-13 against Cubs left handed pitching) AND pull every pitcher they had out of their back pocket just to scrape by us and avoid being swept. And even that was ALMOST not enough.

I like our chances tonight. I like our chances against Matt Moore. I think the Cubs can put bats on him. Let's wrap it up tonight.

Go Cubs.

Jeff Samardzija: Hot Diarrhea Geyser - The TMS Oral History

3:20 PM | Comments (1) | by Rich Funk

In every lifetime, there are certain moments that will go down in history as defining moments in American culture. TMS Oral History is a series where we take a closer look at such moments through the eyes of those who made it happen. "Where were you when it happened?" Let's find out.

The following story is one that has been around for years, as much a part of Chicago Cubs lore as the Ryne Sandberg game, Kerry Wood's 20 strikeouts and Jake Arrieta's 2015 second half. Unfortunately, this story is the product of a certain player being less Jake Arrieta and more Brant Brown. That player is Jeff Samardzija, one of the most frustrating players in recent Cubs memory. TMS bartenders Rich, John and Jake (along with other notable contributors) will walk you through the story of the greatest baseball nickname ever.

"What do I know about Hot Diarrhea Geyser? Man, I know that it can bring you face to face with who you are."
 - John

Rich (TMS writer): I can't remember a player that was as equally despised and loved like Jeff Samardzija. The fact that he came out of Notre Dame was the absolute best or worst thing about him depending on who you ask. And the fact that he had a very douchey vibe and look didn't really help.

Jake (TMS founder, Wikipedia vandal): It was September 4, 2013. The Cubs won that day, but no thanks to Samardzija. There was a day game and I had just gotten back from picking up a decent lunch that an adult would eat.

John (TMS writer, BBQ connoisseur): I'm 98% sure that Jake went to get his lunch from a gas station that day.

Rich: I don't remember that day specifically, but Jake usually gets his lunch at gas stations.

Jake: I admit nothing.

Rich: We had been watching Samardzija suck at baseball for a while at this point, and the fact that he had seemed to give himself the nickname 'Shark' just made us hate him more. You can't just give yourself a nickname.

Joe Biden (Vice President of the United States, TMS reader): I'd like to think I've done a lot of good in my life for this country. I'm wrapping up a second term as Vice President of the United States. I've been elected as a Senator 6 times. When you work in the government that much, you see a lot of awful, despicable, immoral things. So trust me when I tell you that Jeff Samardzija giving himself that nickname is one of the more unforgivable things I have ever witnessed. He was really setting himself up to be taken down a peg or two, and that's exactly what Jake and the Thunder Matt boys had in mind.

The pitching box score of the fateful game.
John: A little background on me: I've loved the Cubs since I was a little kid, but every now and then I'll out-and-out despise one, like a mother pelican eating the runt of the litter. The litter of pelicans, see. Neal Cotts, Neifi Perez, John Grabow, Jeff Blauser - they've all felt my vengeful pelican wrath.

Rich: John once sent me a drunken rant about Justin Grimm that would make Donald Trump blush. When you get on his bad side...let's just say don't get on his bad side.

Jake: I think John might have actually murdered Jeff Blauser. Has anyone seen Jeff Blauser lately?

John: There was one guy in particular who was not only a crap-ass player, but an inexplicable fan favorite: Jeffrey Alan Samardzija. A big part of that is that he went to Notre Dame, and Notre Dame fans are even more insufferable than White Sox fans in this town. I'd estimate that 97 percent of the local green-clad mouth breathers never sniffed a class in South Bend, and god forbid you meet a local who did. You'll know them by their trashy gigantic class ring (a touch of faux-Italy in faux-Ireland) and their smirk, which will call to mind someone named Chad or Brayden or Bode. To hear them hoot for a shitty reliever with no control and a 1.45 WHIP was about the only unpleasant part of the 2008 regular season.

Rich: Now if I remember correctly, Jeff didn't really have too terrible of a start to the game. I think it was 3-2 Cubs going into the top of the 5th inning. That was the thing about Samardzija - he would lull you into a false sense of security before uncorking a torrent of pure, uncut filth all over the dining room. He should have had an exclusive deal with Stanley Steemer.

John: He got Christian Yelich out, and we thought things were looking fine from behind the bar in the Saloon. But the old seismograph we keep on the wall suddenly started going haywire. This could not be a good omen, I thought.

Jake: Mike Stanton singled. Justin Ruggiano singled. Logan Morrison walked. And naturally, Adeiny Hechavarria, whose career slugging percentage was a whopping fucking .336, blasts a majestic grand slam off Samardzija. That was what, one of 14 home runs he hit in his whole career? And then Koyie Hill doubles off him, which is probably even more embarassing.

John: The guy who literally stuck his hand in a table saw managed one more "you suck" hit right up the pipe. The boos were thick, rich, and acrid that day when Samardzija left the mound, like a New England Cham Chowder made with motor oil.

Joe Biden: It was an embarrassment. It was a national embarrassment.

Here is a transcript of the live chat at TMS during the game:
Ben: How did Jeff Samardzija turn terrible so quickly?
John: Quickly? He's been bloodfarting on the mound since 2009.
Jake: It might have to do with this the first time he's ever pitched over 180 innings in a season, ever.
John: He was cut off semi-early last year. Also, he's been kinda shitty for a few months. Since June, at least.
Jake: Hey remember when we paid him $3 million in 2010 to pitch 19.1 shitty innings. He was 25 years old then.
John: Good ole Hendry.
Jake: A lot of people will look at those big contracts dished out to Z and Soriano but the offer Hendry gave Snork may be the dumbest contract he ever offered.

Rich: It was funny because we knew better. We knew better than to think that this wouldn't happen all over again. And we still got sucked in. And despite seeing this happen time and time again, somehow this was different. The hate was more acrid, more of a sludge than usual. There was something almost majestic to the hate that we had in our hearts.

John: I needed a way to describe the continual disappointment and anger that Samardzija put me and other Cubs fans who don't give a shit about ND through. He'd just trickled through some trouble spots in the first few, but that fifth inning was an ERUPTION of awfulness. Just a steaming ... oh, man. That was it. A Hot Diarrhea Geyser. That, I figured, would be a fitting nickname for a guy who regularly melted down Zambrano-style but had a legion of mustached white guy fans to defend him. I'd  also always hated the nickname "Shark," which no one calls him and which I'm 98 percent certain he gave himself.

Kanye West (TMS reader, rapper): I was playing an outdoor festival in Paris as this game was going on. I didn't even have the game on, but I could feel it. I could feel that shit happening. I stopped in the middle of performing Heartless and walked off stage. 120,000 screaming fans and I just left them. I couldn't go on. It made me hate sharing a species with Jeff.

John: But see, I'm only a passively terrible person. An Eddie Haskell, if you will. I politely asked fellow bartender Mr. Terrible Cubs Fan to intercede with the folks at Wikipedia, then I went off to a soul-killing meeting. When I came back, it had already started happening. It was unbelievable. It was magic.
John: I don't know. In terms of just being a spraying geyser of hot diarrhea, you have to look at Grabow and Marmol's contracts. Who the fuck did Hendry think he was bidding against there?
John: Jake, can you please change his nickname on Wikipedia from "Shark" to "Hot Diarrhea Geyser?"
Jake: OK but screencap it because I bet some ND Douchenozzle lords over that page from his parents basement.
John: Ready to go.
There it was. Jake had made John's wish come true.

Jake: 2:21 PM on September 4, 2013 the edit went live. It lasted until 8:55am on September 5, 2013. Apparently this was enough time to effect the Google preview of his Wikipedia page. We got a good laugh out of it and I assumed within an hour or two it would be taken down. But then social media got a hold of it.
Rich: I remember that Tom Fornelli from CBS Sports tweeted about it. It started having a life of its own.

Jake: The Score picked it up.

Rich: Yeah, Jay Zawaski (Executive Producer, host and hockey columnist at 670 The Score in Chicago) was the guy at the Score that picked up on it.
Joe Biden: I had a nice chuckle when I first heard the name. Hillary didn't get it.

John: People I knew were forwarding it to me not knowing that I was the one that was behind it.

Jake: The next morning I announced its death. It lived to the ripe old age of 18 hours and 48 minutes. The impression was left though.  Hot Diarrhea Geyser on Google still comes up with his page. Don't look at the image search results for that though. You can even look at Twitter search results and see that people actually used it as his real nickname for quite a while.

Twitter search results.

HDG still being referenced in late 2013.
Rich: Even now, I still hear the nickname being used once in a while. It's nice, and it's definitely fitting.
Still being referenced in 2015.
Kanye West: I loved it. I loved it. Really sticking it to Samardzija was my inspiration for The Life of Pablo. I was challenged to put something into the world that was as creative and bold and forward-thinking as Hot Diarrhea Geyser. It changed the game, man. Yeezy is great, but HDG is the best nickname of all time. Of all time.
"Oh, if only you got paid to do these things."
  - Jake's wife
John: Hot Diarrhea Geyser was a bad pitcher, and a bad man. He was one of us. He was a man who loved the outdoors... and geysering hot diarrhea, and as a pitcher he diarrhea geysered the beaches of Southern California, from La Jolla to Leo Carrillo and... up to... Pismo. He died, like so many young men of his generation, he died before his time. In your wisdom, Lord, you took him, as you took so many bright flowering young men at Khe Sanh, at Langdok, at Hill 364. These young men gave their lives. And so would Hot Diarrhea Geyser. Hot Diarrhea Geyser, who loved geysering hot diarrhea. And so, Hot Diarrhea Geyser , in accordance with what we think your dying wishes might well have been, we commit your final mortal remains to the bosom of the Pacific Ocean, which you loved so well. Good night, sweet prince.

Rich: Hot Diarrhea Geyser wasn't the nickname Jeff Samardzija needed. Hot Diarrhea Geyser is the nickname he deserved.

God, Are We Awful: Part Infinity

8:39 PM | Comments (1) | by Rich Funk

The last time we posted anything here was in JULY. I'd like to say we got so swept up in the Cubs second half play that we just couldn't get to it, but anyone who has followed this site for any amount of time knows that we're prone to just wandering off into the wilderness without word of when we'll be back. It can happen at any time.

So yes, we are the worst, but at least we know it. I would apologize for making us such a big part of your life and then going-out-for-a-pack-of-smokes-ing you all, but if we're your main source of Cubs news, jesus...I don't know what to tell you.

But holy shit, as bad as we are, the Cubs are the exact opposite of that. They are the best. I want to spend every day watching them be best friends and having more fun than anyone else while crushing all teams under their boot. I want to meet up with them and solve mysteries together. Since we last talked, the Cubs have been awesome and somehow remained really sharp despite playing about 20 of their final games with nothing on the line.

And now, as the Mets and Giants currently face off to determine who gets to come to Wrigley for the weekend, let me remind you that Thunder Matt's Saloon was the first major news source in the world to go on record and endorse a 2016 Cubs championship, and we're absolutely sticking to our prediction. I forgot until just now that I made a bunch of predictions in that piece. Should we see how good I did? Yes we should.

(NOTE: If you're reading this, that means that I probably did pretty good with said predictions because if it turns out I was WAY off, I would have deleted this part and made up something else in its place. I am a vain and petty person. But I'm writing and you're not, so I get to do things like that.)

"(Jon) Lester has a season not quite as good as his 2014 and not nearly as uneven as his 2015. Let's split the difference with an ERA around 2.90. Spread that across 200 innings and throw in north of 200 strikeouts and a handful of clutch playoff performances and you've got yourself a true second ace behind Jake Arrieta in the Cubs rotation."
Did I get It Right?: Yeah, pretty much. I might have been a bit high on the strikeouts and ERA, but I'd say they're all close enough (and illustrating the point that I thought Lester would bounce back from a decent but not amazing 2015). Off to a great start!

"I think Bryant, Russell and Schwarber all fend off the dreaded Sophomore Slump and improve upon their 2015 seasons across the board."
Did I get It Right?: Sorta? On one hand, I wasn't exactly going out on a huge limb with this one. On the other hand, Bryant and Russell did improve in their second years, both offensively and defensively. On the third imaginary hand, Schwarber didn't get much better at anything. On the fourth mutant Cronenberg hand, I'm in charge here so I'm taking this one. 2 for 2!

What's next?

(Crosses fingers) PleasenothingHeywardpleasenothingHeywardpleasenothingHeyward...

Soler settles in and posts a 23 homer season with at least 70 runs and 70 RBI while hitting around .270.
Did I get It Right?: No whammy! Well technically they're both disappointing outfielders, but yeah, I was way off on this one. While Soler did hit more home runs than he did in 2015, he was nowhere near 23 even in a year when everyone and their grandmother hit 20+. And if you add his runs and RBI, even that doesn't reach 70.

Before moving on, I will say that Soler was a bit better in the second half than the first, slashing .258/.348/.515 after the break. Although most of that damage happened in August, as he hit just .182 in September. Still, Soler proved last postseason that he can hit when it counts. Not bad out of your 7th or 8th best hitter.

Adam Warren and a full season of Clayton Richard and Trevor Cahill mean the bullpen could potentially go 6 deep
Did I get It Right?: NOOOOOOOPE

The 2016 Cubs will win the World Series.
Did I get It Right?: Remains to be seen. Probably.

TMS Late Night: A Very Special Message from Bud Norris About Home Security

3:26 PM | Comments (0) | by Governor X

Braves, well fuck, I mean Dodgers pitcher Bud Norris (aka Nud Borris) loves him some lettuce. It's all he talks about. Ask the Atlanta beat writers. They'll tell you. You could ask the Dodgers beat writers too, but that would only encourage them so please don't. You'll probably remember his Top 5 Types of Eatin' Lettuce piece earlier this year. Bud recently contacted us and let us know he had an important message for our readers about home security. As you can tell, we're struggling for content so here you go:

Hello Norris Nation, Bud here. I was watchin' that Republicans convention last week and I started to worry about home invasion. Seems Isis and Osiris are everywhere. I ain't gonna be robbed by no Egyptians, so I looked into home security systems. It didn't take me long to find the best one for me:

HEAD OF ICEBERG LETTUCE - but it´s a safe!

OMFG yes. Look at this glorious thing. It's so realistic I almost wanted to munch on my 'puter screen.

From the description:

Place this realistic head of Iceberg Lettuce in your refrigerator in the vegetable compartment with your most valuable small items inside for safe-keeping.

The bottom snaps off to reveal a secret hiding place. The ideal way to protect cash, jewelry and other valuables while at home or traveling.

Thieves will never dream of looking in this book for valuables, now that you have the opportunity to buy this unique protection of your valuables.

It's so true. At only $99 a piece, I ordered a pallet of them. When I put them in my iceberg lettuce fridge, you can't even tell which head of lettuce I keep my wedding ring in! Right now there's a wait list, but that's because I ordered another pallet. I make way more money than I have any business making, so I'm going to hide my money in iceberg lettuce too. I might even try eating one. I bet it can bump Romaine out of my Top 5.

This just goes to show you that iceberg lettuce can do anything. Stay safe gang. Bud out.

- Bud Norris

War Criminal: This God Damn Popup

12:25 PM | Comments (0) | by Governor X

No, I don't want to give feedback. No one ever wants to give you feedback. The fact that I have a popup blocker and ad blocker should have told you that. Go the fuck away already.