Monday Afternoon Hangover: Week 17

December 31, 2007 | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz

Ah, Week 17. Wrecking Fantasy Football seasons since the advent of the 16 game schedule. On a positive note, it's the one time each year when Jim Sorgi calls his parents and says, 'Hey ma, I'm gonna play this week. Could you tape it on the VCR? I'm scared.'

Tennessee 16
Indianapolis 10
Only Jesus H. Christ himself can explain how the Titans made the playoffs. The Titans win the coveted award for 'Least Impressive Team to Squeak Into the Playoffs that Scares No One.' The only scary thing about the Titans was after the game, seeing Kerry Collins with his helmet off. He just looked old and drunk. Well, not so much 'looked' as 'is' and 'was'.

Houston 42
Jacksonville 28
Don't be deceived by the score. Jacksonville recalled a bunch of the strike players from 1987 and then filled in their roster with extras from the Keanu Reeves vehicle 'The Replacements'. The fact that this rag tag gang of misfits scored 28 points should be commended and then made into a Disney movie, starring The Rock and Dennis Quaid.

New England 38
New York Football Giants 35
Hmm...I haven't heard much about this game. Didn't even know it was on. Since both teams really had nothing to play for I imagine that it wasn't of much interest to the general populace. I didn't check the box score, but judging from the score any fantasy owner shrewd enough to pick up Matt Cassel or Jared Lorenzon reaped the benefits of this one!

Philadelphia 17
Buffalo 9
This very well may have been Donvan McNabb's last game in Philly. Thus proving, once and for all, that everyone in Philadelphia is racist.

Chicago 33
New Orleans 25

New Orleans was hit by the most devastating storm since Katrina. Hurricane Orton. Any Bears fan who thinks Orton is the 'answer' for next year gets a 5 minute 'whisker rub' from Orton's neckbeard. Note to Drew Brees: Can you do something about that birth mark? I don't like looking at it anymore. Who are you, Cindy Crawford?

Green Bay 34
Detroit 13
Remember when the Lions were good? Neither do I. Jon Kitna was sacked 51 times this year. How is that possible? Unacceptable. Go back to being the Bengals backup where you belong. You're an embarrassment to your team, your family, and most importantly, the Lord. In other news, Terry Bradshaw made love to Bret Favre in the communal showers after the game.

Atlanta 44
Seattle 41

For the second straight week the Falcons put a ton of points on the board. Chris Redman is the poor man's Todd Collins. Seneca Wallace got into the game for the Seahags, making it two Iowa State QB's to see action this week. Take that unknown Iowa Hawkeye QB coach! I was so happy to see the Falcons finally get a win that I celebrated by going to a dogfight.

Cleveland 20
San Francisco 7
I would have loved to see the Browns make the playoffs over the Titans, but the Lord works in mysterious ways, or so Jon Kitna tells me. Chris Weinke played for the 49ers. That's not a typo. (Shooting self in wiener)

Cincinatti 38
Miami 25
There was a great shot of Parcells in the pressbox during the game and you could tell he was thinking, 'What the fuck did I get myself into?' Helllllloooooo tainted legacy! Is it just me, or watching some of the Bengals players do you get the distinct impression that they're big into gangbangs and anal sex?

Carolina 30
Tampa Bay 27
Vinnie Testeverde retired. Uh huh. So did Jay Z. And KISS. And Rickey Henderson. See ya next year Vincent! Tampa Bay. By far the most blah team to make the playoffs. Hard to see anyone outside of Tampa (or in Tampa for that matter) giving a damn.

Denver 22
Minnesota 19
The Vikings need a QB. Just put 11 guys in the box to stop Peterson and make Tarvaris Jackson beat you. Which is what the Broncos did. Finally, someone has a blueprint to beat the Vikings! Jay Cutler, on the other hand, still looks like he might have Down Syndrome. And could someone please get some sun for Mike Shanahan? He needs sun, STAT!

Arizona 48
St. Louis 19
The Cards win their first game since Nam' that doesn't go down to the wire, and for the first time all year I leave the bar with clean underpants. Larry Fitzgerald is the best receiver in the league not named Moss. Kurt Warner? Still better than Marc Bulger. And Eli Manning. And Matt Leinart....

Baltimore 27
Pittsburgh 21
Too late to save your job Billick. Funniest label ever? Brian Billick being called an 'offensive genius'. Huh? Even when the Ravens were good they had a horrible offense. I'm confused and slightly aroused. Pittsburgh started Jason Bay at QB.

San Diego 30
Oakland 17
Is it too early to start calling Jamarcus Russell the second coming of Akili Smith? Probably. It would be racist too. Norv Turner: 'Offensive Genius'.

New York Jets 23
Kansas City Chiefs 3
This game was so boring that I fell asleep numerous times just typing this sentence. It took me 3 days to write that. I'm not sure who plays for either team or if they are in any way affiliated with the rest of the league.

Washington 27
Dallas 6
Was Jessica Simpson at this game? The revitalized Redskins won by 21, Sean Taylor's jersey number. The memory of Sean Taylor will inspire the Skins to a first round victory over the Seahags. Said memory will also cure cancer, direct traffic outside of the stadium and cook a mean pot of chili.

The Golden Nutcup Team
Wear it with pride fellas!

QB - Tom Brady, NE (356 yards, 2 TD)
RB - Pierre Thomas, NO (105 yds rushing, 121 receiving)
WR - Larry Fitzgerald, ARI (11 catches, 171 yards, 2 TD)
WR - Ocho Cinco, CIN (131 yards, 2 TD)
TE - Alge Crumpler, IND (3 catches, 67 yards, 2 TD)
DEF - Arizona (19 points allowed, 3 sacks, 2 INT returns)

The Flaming Bag Team
Don't put them out with your boot, Harold!

Matt Millen - DET - Ha Ha, look at you! You're a league-wide joke. Nice collapse a-hole. (Farting)

TMS Game Log: Falcons at Cardinals 12/23/2007

December 31, 2007 | Comments (0) | by Governor X

One of the Five Pillars of Cardinal Fandom is that every able bodied Cardinals fan must make a pilgrimage to the University of Phoenix Stadium in Glendale, Arizona. On 12/23, I completed my hajj.

The Cardinals were taking on the Falcons, and as a result of Michael Vick's incarceration, I got a good deal on field level tickets. The Cardinals won 30-27 in OT, but rather than giving a play by play game recap, I'll just give you some thoughts.

1. University of Phoenix Stadium is a fantastic venue.

After years of languishing at Sun Devil Stadium, two years ago the vagabond Cardinals finally got their own home. While the team made the unfortunate decision to sell the naming rights to a for-profit diploma mill, the magnificence of the stadium cannot be denied. It was recently named the best stadium in the NFL and justifiably so.

From the outside, its kind of an eyesore. Its supposed to look like a barrel cactus, but it looks more like jiffy pop on the stove. Once you're inside though its a different experience entirely. It is enormous, but doesn't overwhelm you. Food and restrooms are readily available and the jumbotron has the sharpest picture of any I've seen. Cardinals gear is generally hard to find, but the team store had so much selection it blew my mind. The stadium also has a weird British streak. Signs tell you to "queue here" and give directions to the "car park".

2. The Fans are really into the game.

You don't expect a lot of passion from Arizona Cardinals fans, what with the two decades of disappointment and all but the fans really get into the game here. For the Cards, the game was only for pride, but everyone in the stands (save for the handful of Falcons fans like the douchebag with the "Stay strong Mike Vick" sign) wanted the victory. As the Cards began to fall apart and go conservative in the 2nd half, the boos started to rain down. Two punts at the Falcons 35 and repeated 2 yard runs by James up the middle garnered a cascade of boos that would make Eagles fans proud.

3. The damn roof was open.

Fifty degrees may sound borderline warm to those of you scraping frost off your cocks in the midwest, but those of us who are native to America's great western deserts aren't used to it. Fifty degrees celsius maybe... They really needed to close the god damned roof.

4. Chicks love Matt Leinart.

There are tons of Matt Leinart jerseys out there and 90% of them are worn by chicks under 27. Underrated: Girls wearing football jerseys

5. The seats I bought were great.

I bought tickets on ebay after the Vick fiasco, so I got a deal. We sat in row 11 in the endzone corner near the "Red Zone" (where the field slides out). I guess they could have sucked if the action was all at the other end of the field, but fortunately most of the Cardinals' scoring was at this end. Two TDs, a Rod Hood INT of Redman, and the game tying and game winning field goals by fugitive War Criminal Neil Rackers were all at our end of the field.

While I would have liked to see Arizona kill Atlanta (like they did with the Rams yesterday), I can't complain about the game. Anquan Boldin caught everything the Sultan of Stubble threw in his direction. If Whisenhunt wasn't an old school smashmouth guy at heart, the Cards probably could have put 40 up on Atlanta (what could this offense do with a crazy run-n-shooter like June Jones running it? Jesus...). It was a good time had by all and I shall make another pilgrimage to a Cardinals game perhaps as early as next season.

NBA – Random Thoughts after 30 Games

December 29, 2007 | Comments (0) | by Max Foncito

Every major sport has a varying degree of love and hate amongst the general public. The NFL is almost universally loved, the NHL doesn’t seem to exist anymore and Major League Baseball may no longer be America’s Pastime, but it is still the original American game.

Then you have the NBA. Nobody gives a shit about the regular season except for the highlights. About 85% of the games are awful or as boring as any day Steve Trachsel manages to pitch a complete game.

If you had to rank the order of NBA elements, it would go something like this:

1. Playoffs – First 3 Rounds

2. Trade Speculation

3. Actual Trades

4. Draft

5. Latest Fight / Shooting / Suspension / Scandal / Lawsuit / Rape

6. NBA Finals (Post Jordan Era)

7. Regular Season

With this being said, there are things that happen within the season that are in fact interesting and will later affect the VERY interesting first 3 rounds of the Playoffs. Here are some random thoughts after the first 30 games.

Kobe Bryant can destroy the Lakers, others as well

Don’t be fooled by the Lakers 18-10 start. Lamar Odom is still a china doll, Bynum is vastly improved but has not yet developed pubic hair, and Kobe is like Reese Bobby and must blow up anything good in his life. When the injuries and losses begin to mount, look for the Lakers and Kobe to implode again.

It also looks like Kobe’s trade demands were the straw that broke the Chicago Bulls back and sent them into a free fall. The perfect storm of factors hit the Bulls and it was just too much.

Trade rumors, Deng and Gordon worried about extensions, Wallace phoning it in, the entire team seemed to hate Skiles, Hinrich forgot how to shoot, etc…..

Lucky for Paxson he has the multiple young assets to make a few trades to right the ship.

Speaking of trades…..

Trades are coming soon (maybe)

With the Bulls in a funk, Dallas and Phoenix underperforming, Jason Kidd unhappy, Memphis going nowhere, and the Heat looking like one of the worst teams in the league, bodies should start moving sooner than later. Cuban needs to get Dirk some help.

The Eastern Conference still sucks balls

What a mess. Only 5 out of 15 teams are above .500 in this pitiful conference compared to 9 out of 15 in the West. It really should be 10 teams above .500 in the West, but McGrady can’t seem to get healthy.

The Celtics look like they may be some sort of real threat. The Pistons don’t count after they let that horrible Cleveland team beat them last year. They have zero heart and might have the ugliest starting 5 of all time. They should apologize to women and children who cry at their sight and cross to the other side of the street. It isn’t because they are racist, it is because they just really, really hate ugly people.

Portland Trailblazers are in a scary, scary good position

There hasn’t been a team that has gone through more ups and downs in the past 7 years.

Ever since the Lakers made that insane 4th Quarter rally down 15 in Game 7 of the Western Conference finals with 10 minutes to go things have been awful in the The Rose Garden.

Terrible trades, horrible drafts, pounds of weed, bad signings, dog fighting, in-fighting, chemistry issues and massive amounts of losing. It even drove a sports nut like Paul Allen to look into selling the team.

Fast forward to the NBA Lottery drawing when Portland is smiled upon by the Basketball gods and granted the man-child Greg Oden. As if this wasn’t enough of a miracle, the Blazers are once again blessed by the stupidity of Isiah Thomas who takes the cancer named Zach Randolph and his bloated contract off their hands. Isiah is even nice enough to throw in a good young player like Channing Frye.

Everything is good until the future of the franchise undergoes the dreaded MF surgery and will miss the entire season before he even plays a game. They Blazers start the season at 5-12 and it looks like another season of mediocre ball until Oden is ready to go in 2008.

Then they rip off 12 straight and counting against some decent teams. They play hard, smart and with passion. The Rose Garden crowd is going nuts again.

Oh yeah, in 2 years they will have some huge cap room with dead weight like Raef LaFrentz, Steve Francis, and Darius Miles all coming off the books. That is something like $24 million in cap space, or at least $12 -$14 million depending on which young players they extend. That means in 2009 they will have max contract money and the mid-level exception to throw at somebody.

Portland is young (average age of 23.8 years old), well coached, smart, tough, hard working, and only at half strength right now. That is a dangerous combination for the rest of the league.

One line random thoughts….

- Ricky Davis is poison to any team he touches.

- Kendrick Perkins is the luckiest man on earth.

- The Suns need to move Marion.

- Kevin McHale should be drug out to the street and shot.

- Lebron James and Dwayne Wade were very smart to sign only 3 year extensions.

- James to the Knicks and Wade to the Bulls when their current contracts run out.

- Rudy Gay will piss on your head from above so get the hell out of the way.

- Yao and Shaq might be taller than the normal human being (or pop star tramp).

Yet Another New Bartender

December 29, 2007 | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan

Yes, we have yet another new person on our staff. My plan to have enough people here so my lazy ass will no longer have to write anything is all falling into place nicely.

Anyway, this new guy, Max Foncito, will be our chief basketball correspondent, which is good since we don't have anyone on staff that really follows (translation: gives a shit) about hoops enough to write about it. Max enjoys watching the Cubs, the rich smell of mahogany, and high quality S&M porn. So without further ado I present to you the 12th bartender to grace the Saloon, Max Foncito.


Real Name: Chris

Where are you from? Muscatine, IA

Where are you now? Blue Grass, IA

Favorite Baseball Team: Chicago Cubs

Favorite Current Player(s): Derrek Lee, Alfonso Soriano

Favorite All-Time Player(s): Mark Grace

First MLB game you attended: 1984 - Mets vs. Cubs @ Wrigley

Any memorable encounters with MLB players? Keith Hernandez once asked me to help him move into a new apartment. I thought it was too much too soon.

Which player(s) would you love to sit and have a beer with? Mark Grace

Which player(s) would you like to punch in the face? Lance Berkman, Big Gay Al Pujols, Ivan Rodriguez, Matt Clement

Which player(s) would you like to punch you in the face? Sid Bream

What's better for baseball, the moustache or the big-league mullet? The Goose Gossage moustache

What 80's hair metal band do you most relate to? Guns n Roses

What's your favorite beer? Blue Moon on tap

What's the capital of Bolivia? Jabooty is the capital of Jabooty

What's the most valuable baseball card you own? I used to own the infamous Billy Ripken "Fuckface" card at the height of it's value.

If your daily life had game commentary, who would you want as your play-by-play and color guy? Harry Caray and Steve Stone

What would you rather see, Kyle Farnsworth in a barfight, a cockfight, or a hobo fight? I would rather see Kyle Farnsworth in an all out barfight. He would throw wild punches and give up a grand slam to his face.

Terry Armour Dies at 46

December 28, 2007 | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz

That name probably doesn't mean a whole lot to you unless you live in Chicago, in which case you know Terry to be a long time columnist at the Chicago Tribune and host of the The Stan and Terry Show, which aired on WCKG-FM for the past few years. Terry wrote entertainment features for the Tribune, had his own Sunday column and also wrote restaurant and bar reviews.

Terry died unexpectedly today at age 46.

I knew Terry personally and worked with him frequently. He was one of those people that made it fun to come to work. He was always upbeat and excitable, always with a smile on his face. Whenever he would see me he would always call me 'Benji' and usually make fun of my 'fancy shoes'. He also tried (in vain) to show me how to 'shake hands like a brother'. His sarcasm was also much appreciated. I often had to pitch him on doing crappy interviews for crappier movies, and even though he'd always tease me about it ('What makes you think I want to sit through that piece of shit?'), he would come through again and again.

He was sarcastic and witty and could always make me laugh. In the 90's he served as the Bulls beat reporter for the Tribune, back in the glory days. One night at a cocktail party, Shane (Tommy Buzanis) and I cornered him, and for over an hour he regaled us with stories of locker room debauchery and Dennis Rodman indiscretions. I haven't laughed that hard since.

And no, Terry wasn't in the Death Pool, so don't ask. But knowing Terry, he would have loved the idea of it.

Terry you will be missed.

DEBATE!!! (Part 2)

December 28, 2007 | Comments (0) | by Rich Funk

Major League Baseball Hall Of Fame votes are in and the results will be revealed soon enough. We can debate over which (if any) of this year's first-ballot players deserve to get in or how good certain relief pitchers should have to be for induction. But I've never been someone to shy away from the elephant in the room, so let's just dive into the debate everyone has an opinion about:

Should Mark McGwire be in the Hall Of Fame?


Mark McGwire is by far one of the best players in baseball history. Let's look at the raw numbers:

12 time All Star
1987 ROY
3 Silver Sluggers
1 Gold Glove
583 Home Runs
1414 RBI's

With the bar for getting into the HOF set at about 500 home runs or so, McGwire makes it in based on his home run total alone. He could have had even more if foot injuries didn't limit his playing time in the last few seasons and force him to retire earlier than he should have.

Aside from all that, McGwire was a force unlike any other in his career. He was Barry Bonds before Barry Bonds was Barry Bonds (if that makes any sense). Like Bonds a few years later, people knew when McGwire was at bat. Pitchers feared him because he seemed like he could launch any pitch in the strike zone out of the ballpark. Lets not forget that he set the single season record for home runs at 70. Sure, there are suspicions that maybe 1 or 2 of the 4 he hit in the last 2 games of the season might have been grooved to him, but that's just speculation.

Speaking of suspicions, have you heard that McGwire is thought to have taken performance-enhancing drugs? McGwire's ties to the Steroid Era are the main reason people say he should not get into the Hall Of Fame. This is absolutely unfair. McGwire was a mountain of a man hitting record-setting numbers of home runs at a time where many players were thought to be using steroids and HGH, but is that now enough to keep a man out of the Hall Of Fame?

McGwire never failed a steroid test.
McGwire has never had his name come up in connection to BALCO or any other shady business.
McGwire's name was not on the Mitchell Report.

Suspicion of steroid use alone should not be enough to discredit someone's accomplishments. There is no hard evidence (or any kind of evidence for that matter) against McGwire. We know just as much about McGwire juicing/not juicing today as we did in 1998. Yet in 1998, he was "saving baseball". If you think McGwire was juicing this whole time, why was it "ok" in 1998 and "not ok" now?

You can't keep someone out of the Hall Of Fame for cheating if you don't have any proof of said cheating. Yes, McGwire didn't help his case by stammering at the steroid hearings in 2005 in front of congress and a national audience, but that's still not proof. We have players in the Hall Of Fame that have admitted to (and brag about) cheating. If you elect admitted cheaters, keeping someone out without any proof is just ludicrous.


It's sad, and I hate that things work this way, but in the Steroid Era, having a lot of circumstantial evidence against someone is enough to keep them out of the Hall Of Fame, if not forever, then at least long enough so that we can get a proper perspective on the whole era and how it fits into baseball history. The beauty of the Hall Of Fame is that we can keep McGwire out until everything gets sorted out. If 10 years go by and half of all MLB players come under suspicion of steroid use, then sure, let McGwire in. But if 10 years go by and there's no ties to any other players the way that there was to McGwire, it might be enough to keep him out forever. Like I said, it's sad that that's the world we live in. but it's the truth. Sure there are cheaters in the Hall Of Fame, but I don't think any of them admitted to cheating before being elected, did they?

But all steroids aside, would McGwire still be a sure-fire Hall Of Famer if he had proof that he's 100% clean? Sure, he hit a ton of home runs, but that's about all he brought to the table. McGwire hit home runs and walked. He also struck out quite a bit, having 11 seasons with more than 100 K's. Let's not forget Mark's awesome career batting average of .263 either.

Hmmm...hits home runs, walks, strikes out a ton, hits in the .260's...

Isn't that Adam Dunn?

Whether he juiced or not, McGwire played in an era where everyone's home run totals were inflated. Blame it on expansion or juiced balls or steroids. Either way, the home run isn't as prolific as it once was. Now I will admit that taking away the almost 600 homers that McGwire hit is taking away a big chunk of his career, but if you do, he's just not that great. Maybe great, but this isn't the Hall Of Great we're talking about here. I think a lot of players could have similar careers if their only job was to swing for the fences and grow mullets.

Add to that the fact that McGwire has long been linked to steroid use (Andro, anyone?) and has completely disappeared off the face of the Earth after the disaster in front of Congress, and you have someone that isn't guaranteed a spot in the Hall.

"I'm not here to talk about the past."

Well guess what, Mark? The rest of us are. And in this day and age, refusing to tell us that you have always been clean is just as bad as admitting to juicing. You should know that.

TMS 30 Greatest Movies: #22 Major League

December 28, 2007 | Comments (0) | by White Chili

Title: Major League
Main Actors:
Tom Berenger, Charlie Sheen, Corbin Bernsen, Rene Russo, Wesley Snipes, Dennis Haysbert, Bob Uecker
Dave #11, Brant #12

Cleveland Indians owner Donald Phelps has died, and his snobby wife Rachel Phelps, a former showgirl, has taken over as the new owner. She hates Cleveland so she makes plans to move the Indians to Miami. However, she can't break the team's lease with Cleveland unless the attendance for the season falls below 800,000. Her plan is to assemble a team that will play itself into last place and no one will come out to watch it happen. This works at first but the team discovers what she's trying to accomplish and they come together and start winning games which brings back the fans.

Reasons This Movie Kicks Ass
This movie may not have won any "Academy Awards" but it has so many classic scenes that my friends and I can recite just about every single one. Maybe the fact that it's on television three times a day helps. Just like Caddyshack, if you say "Yo, bartender, Jobu needs a refill" or "Nice catch, Hayes. Don't ever fuckin' do it again" and someone just offers you a blank stare in return then they're probably a communist. Or gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Monster Role
The movie really revolves around Berenger's character Jake Taylor and his last chance for success on the field while he fights to win back his ex girlfriend (Russo). That having been said, the monster role in this film goes to a young Charlie Sheen who plays Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn, a former ward of the state of California who, with the help of some corrective lenses, becomes the ace of the Indians rotation. If the haircut doesn't win this for him then his way with the Cuyahoga ladies sure does. No, that perm doesn't make your ass look big. Your big ass makes your ass look big.

Knock Your Dick in the Dirt Moment
The one-game playoff at the end of the movie has tons of these moments. Division rivals and close scores make for a lot of slow motion and "crazy ideas" that just might work. I know I'm doing God's work here but I'd be doing myself and everyone else a disservice if I said any more.

Watch this movie if you like.....
Baseball, Voodoo, Bullpen cars, Stereotypes, Jack Daniels

Death League Update

December 28, 2007 | Comments (0) | by Brant Brown

As most are now aware, whether they follow international politics as a hobby or not, current Pakistani opposition leader and former prime minister Benazir Bhutto was assassinated on Thursday. As perhaps the most prominent member of the Bhutto political dynasty, many in Pakistan welcomed her return from exile in October with open arms and in defiance of the political and military rule imposed by President Pervez Musharraf. In turn, Musharraf quickly instituted martial law, only to lift it two weeks ago at the insistence of the United States and the global democratic community.

With parliamentary elections in Pakistan scheduled for January 8, it is unclear at the time
who her Pakistan People's Party successor will be, or if the elections will be postponed.
Bhutto campaigned on a platform centered on the eradication of Islamic extremists in
Pakistan, the very country which Osama bin Laden is purported to be in hiding. Viewing this as an affront to their regional interests, representatives from both the Taliban and al-Qaeda had decried her return and insisted that she would be met with violent resistance. They unfortunately followed through with the threat, as the suicide bomber has now in fact been identified and linked to both organizations.

On a lighter note, as Bhutto was a Wild Card pick, 20 points are awarded to the Governor.

War Criminal: Mark Prior and the Cubs Training Staff

December 27, 2007 | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan

We've got a special guest bartender today. My wife's cousin, who we will refer to as Max Foncito, has written a short little piece about the recent departure of Mark Prior.

When I saw the news that oft-injured Mark Prior signed with the San Diego Padres, I immediately called The Mirage Sports Book in Las Vegas and tried to put my entire life savings on the former Cub winning the Cy Young within the next 5 years. Please disregard the fact that my life savings now consists of car seats, cribs, changing tables and dirty diapers. That is a topic for a future War Criminal.

Prior winning the Cy Young. It isn’t a question of if, but when. The history of Cubs pitchers leaving and suddenly having Hall of Fame type numbers is all too well known.

I know, I know, the Cubs let him go. Who gives a shit.

Magically his bottle of HGH will work like a factory full of Asian kids in Southern California, and like Maddux before him, Cubs fans will be left looking at the ground and mumbling about what should have been.

Maybe the Cubs can re-acquire Prior in 2015 as a number 4 starter when he is well past his prime. Hopefully it will be just in time for the Cubs next crop of young pitching studs to come up and decide to flame out like this guy on a Friday night.

TMS 30 Greatest Movies: #23 Rounders

December 27, 2007 | Comments (0) | by Rich Funk

Title: Rounders
Main Actors:
Matt Damon, Ed Norton, John Malkovich
Ranked: Brant #5, Chip #17

Matt Damon plays Mike McDermott, a guy paying his way through law school by playing underground poker. One night he gets cleaned out by Teddy KGB (John Malkovich) to the tune of $30,000. After that, Mike gives up the gambling life and gets a real job to pay his way while dating the very attractive Jo (Gretchen Mol). Months later, Mike's childhood buddy Worm (Norton) gets out of jail and quickly runs up a ton of debt in Mike's name. The problem? The debt is owed to KGB, who gives Mike and Worm only a few days to raise the money or else he'll kill them.

Reasons This Movie Kicks Ass
It's just plain cool. This movie came out long before the World Series Of Poker was cool and every douchebag frat guy thought he was a poker genius. The acting is solid (especially Norton's turn as Worm. Aside from The Italian Job, has he ever had a bad performance?). The story is great, and the suspense is just strong enough to carry the movie through the weaker points of the story. Plus, Gretchen Mol takes her clothes off in just about every movie she's in. She stays fully clothed in this one, but just knowing that somehow makes the movie just a little better. Plus, the supporting cast of John Turturro, Famke Janssen and Martin Landau round out a great ensemble.

Monster Role
In most cases, it would go to Norton for his slimy performance of Worm, but this one has to go to Malkovich for Teddy KGB. He's not really in the movie much, but he's easily the most memorable character of the entire flick. Malkovich has been known to chew the scenery a bit in some of his movies, and this is no exception. His accent is so over the top that he should be arrested, but for some reason, it works for KGB. Plus, seeing his pretending to air-hump Matt Damon in the ass toward the end of the movie is priceless.

Knock Your Dick in the Dirt Moment
There's two actually. The first is the entire scene where Mike and Worm are playing cards with a room full of cops and get caught using some practices that aren't completely on the up-and-up. I won't say much else because I don't want to give anything away, but the entire time, you can cut the tension with a knife. The other moment of course is the final showdown at KGB's place. Again, I can't give anything away, but having Mike come back to the scene of the worst moment of his life playing cards for his life is high cinema. On paper, it seems stupid, but again, somehow it works.

Watch this movie if you like.....
Poker, guys named Grandma, Oreo cookies, Guy movies that appeal to women too.

I will splash the pot, whenever, the fuck, I want!

Monday Afternoon Hangover: Week 16

December 26, 2007 | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan

It's that time of year. Playoff spots are getting clinched, Mel's slapping asses of unsuspecting women, and eggnog is being consumed in hazardous quantities. In this special holiday edition we'll check our list and see who's been naughty or nice.

Pittsburgh 41
St. Louis 24
Nice: Pittsburgh - I've been waffling on their naughty/nice status as of late. Dropping two straight to fellow playoff contenders New England and Jacksonville certainly didn't impress me. They did however bounce back on Thursday and destroy the Rams, but they lost top RB Willie Parker for the season in the process. We'll hold off on the lump of coal for now but you watch your back Pittsburgh.

Naughty: St. Louis - Ugh. I've got a large sack of reindeer shit for you. 3-12 is hardly the season that anyone was expecting. How many times can you duct tape Marc Bulger back together before you consider new options for next season. It'd be a shame if Steven Jackson wasted his best years on a basement dweller.

Carolina 13
Nice: Dallas - They clinched home field advantage with Green Bay's loss and managed to bounce back from the Jessica Simpson curse. Dallas even drew about 10,00x more fans than Jessica did for her recent movie release.

Naughty: Carolina - Holy christ! Rae Carruth was more productive than this team.

Indianapolis 38
Houston 15
Nice: Indianapolis - It pains me to say it, but they're playing as good as anyone right now. The lesser retarded Manning brother has these guys ready to roll in time for the playoffs.

Nice: Houston - How can you really shit on these guys? Does anyone really, REALLY hate the Texans? I mean they've already won 6 more games than Daft Funk thought they'd win all season. At least I think it's six. Shit, I don't know. Sage Rosenfels is their QB and he went to Iowa State. Why can't Iowa produce NFL QB's ever? Who was the last one to make it in the NFL? Chuck Long? And even he didn't exactly make it. I'm rambling....

Jacksonville 49
Oakland 11
Nice: Jacksonville - This team is surging at just the right time. While I still wouldn't be surprised with a first round exit, I also wouldn't be shocked if they were in the AFC Championship. Their run game is boner-inducing.

Naughty: Oakland - At this point aren't fans just praying for Al Davis to die? Speaking of which, how did Al Davis get left off our rosters for Death League 2008? I'm kind of disappointed about that. I'll keep him as well as Bill O'Reilly on the waiting list for Death League '09.

Cincinnati 19
Cleveland 14
Naughty: Cincinnati - Screw you Cincy. You screwed everybody's fantasy season up and now you're screwing up the Cleve's chances of making the playoffs. What ever happpened to the Ickey Shuffle? Ickey never caused any harm.

Naughty: Cleveland - I don't have an excuse for why, other than I don't want to switch them back from the Ravens on the Tecmo simulator for this year's playoffs.

Chicago 35
Green Bay 7
Naughty: Chicago - For God's sake get a quarterback for next season. Please, please please!

Nice: Green Bay - So long as they don't have to play Chicago, the Packers have looked good. Brett Favre's resurgence has been amazing. The media's incredible hard-on for Favre's resurgence has been annoying at best.

New York Giants 38
Buffalo 21
Naughty: New York - 10-5 or not, this team is overrated. So they got ten wins. Only one of those wins came against a team that currently has a winning record, and even then we're talking about the 8-7 Redskins. I'll look forward to the Giants getting bounced in the first round with Eli making his classic "Lobotomized McMurphy" face.

Naughty: Buffalo - See the Giants. Buffalo only has one win against a winning team as well, and that team happens to be Washington as well.

Detroit 25
Kansas City 20
Naughty: Detroit and Kansas City - Flashback to the end of Week 7. The Chiefs were at the top of the AFC West with a 4-3 record, while the Lions were 4-2 and showing signs of making a strong run in the NFC North. Now? Detroit is 7-8 behind Minnesota and Green Bay, and the Chiefs have dropped 8 straight and are tied with the Raiders for last place.

Philadelphia 38
New Orleans 23
Naughty: Philadelphia and New Orleans - Both these teams should probably be in the playoffs and one week from now they'll both be planning for the offseason instead.

San Francisco 21
Tampa Bay 19
Naughty: San Francisco - Wasn't this team everybody's "sleeper" this preseason? The only team to score fewer points this season is Atlanta.

Nice: Tampa Bay - I don't think anyone expected the Buccaneers to play this well. We'll see how they do in the playoffs, especially since Jeff Garcia mysteriously disappeared on their road game against the Niners. Search parties are scouring Castro Street. They speculate that Garcia may be wandering around in buttless chaps.

Arizona 30
Atlanta 27
Nice: Arizona - I don't care that they're 7-8, Kurt Warner played a huge part this week in helping me win the fantasy money league I'm in. Praise Touchdown Jesus!

Naughty: Atlanta - I just feel bad for Falcon fans at this point. They're star QB goes to prison for killing dogs, their head coach quits on them over the phone, and Bill Parcells screws them over by yet again playing "Just the Tip". As Dante in 'Clerks' says, "What's next? Are you going to pour sugar in my gas tank while anally raping my mother?"

Tennessee 10
New York Jets 6
Nice: Tennessee - Give credit to Jeff Fisher as well as Jon Gruden. With teams spinning the seemingly endless coaching carousel, it's nice to see competent coaches quietly win with their teams. Sure they have down years, but they always manage to bring them back time and again.

Naughty: New York - Regardless if he's not the main reason for their terrible season, I just can't ever see the Jets being truly successful in the Chad Pennington era.

Seattle 27
Baltimore 6
Nice: Seattle - I'll at least give Seattle credit for finally emerging out of the putrid NFC West and prove there may be a worthwhile team in that division. However, they did get to play San Francisco and St. Louis twice.... so how tough are they?

Naughty: Baltimore - 4-11, 9 straight losses, pissed away a potential win over New England. See you in hell Brian Billick.

New England 28
Miami 7
Nice: New England - I can't honestly make a 15-0 team naughty, although they've reached the status of the overachieving asshole. You know that guy at work that always goes above and beyond and is very smug about it? The guy that you secret wish would have a terrible "accident" with the paper shredder? Yeah, that's the Patriots.

Naughty: Miami - The Dolphins had very little hope going into the season, and even less as the season progressed. Having a guy named Lemon as your starting QB just seems like a bad omen.

Washington 32
Minnesota 21
Nice: Washington - With the win over Minnesota, the Redskins are in the lead now for the final spot in the NFC playoffs. The 'skins have won 3 straight and seem to be really rallying after the untimely death of Sean Taylor.

Nice: Minnesota - Adrian Peterson has been fantastic this season, but the Vikes have been slumping as of late. Now they need a win and a Washington loss in order to make the playoffs.

San Diego 23
Denver 3
Nice: San Diego - Whatever, I still won't give Norv Turner any credit.

Naughty: Denver - Thanks for making me look like a jackass for picking you to win the Super Bowl. Assholes.

The Golden Nutcup Team
Wear it with pride fellas!

QB - Kurt Warner, ARI (361 yards, 3 TD, made me $650)
RB - Najeh Davenport, PIT (123 yards, 2 TD)
WR - Anquan Boldin, ARI (13 catches, 162 yards, 2 TD)
WR - Jerricho Cotchery, NYJ (8 catches, 152 yards, 1 TD)
TE - Dallas Clark, IND (6 catches, 60 yards, 2 TD)
DEF - Chicago (7 points allowed, 1 sack, 2 interceptions, 2 blocked kicks, 2 TD)

The Flaming Bag Team
Don't put them out with your boot, Harold!

Presidential candidates: I saw 3 different Hillary Clinton ads in a 20 minute span this morning. The ads have officially pissed me off. Also is it too late to Tancredo? How does one Tancredo anyway? I mean besides obviously becoming a batshit crazy xenophobic nutbag?

TMS 30 Greatest Movies: #24 The Departed

December 26, 2007 | Comments (0) | by Rich Funk

Title: The Departed
Year: 2006
Genre: Crime Thriller
Main Actors: Leonardo DiCaprio, Matt Damon, Jack Nicholson, Alec Baldwin, Mark Wahlberg
Ranked: Dave #14, Daft Funk #20, Chaim #20

In South Boston, the state police force is waging war on Irish-American organized crime. Young undercover cop Billy Costigan (DiCaprio) is assigned to infiltrate the mob syndicate run by gangland chief Frank Costello (Nicholson). While Billy quickly gains Costello's confidence, Colin Sullivan (Damon), a hardened young criminal who has infiltrated the state police as an informer for the syndicate, is rising to a position of power in the Special Investigation Unit. Each man becomes deeply consumed by his double life, gathering information about the plans and counter-plans of the operations he has penetrated. But when it becomes clear to both the mob and the police that there's a mole in their midst, Billy and Colin are suddenly in danger of being caught and exposed to the enemy, and each must race to uncover the identity of the other man in time to save himself.

Reasons This Movie Kicks Ass
First of all, it's got Scorsese directing it. Second of all, its full of pissed off and slightly racist Irish people. Add to that the fact that every role is perfectly cast (especially Baldwin and Wahlberg) and the action and suspense are top-notch, and you've got a near-perfect movie. The fact that this movie won for Best Picture makes me believe that the old farts on the Academy may actually have some sense left in them. Sure this movie got nominated for a ton of awards and subtly explores the racism and tension between classes in middle-lower class Boston, but when you get down to it, this is just a phenomenal movie. The acting kicks ass. The story kicks ass. Everything kicks ass. Plus, it had a great existing movie (Hong Kong's 2002 film Infernal Affairs) to base itself off of.

Monster Role
Mark Wahlberg hands down. Wahlberg plays Sgt. Dignam, a trash talking, insecure policeman that's got the perfect comeback for any situation. Whether he's putting down your mother or punching out a superior, Wahlberg steals every single scene he's in. Alec Baldwin's performance as Capt. George Ellerby is a very close second. When the cops are setting up surveillance on Costello's crew and Baldwin grabs the closest officer and excitedly yells "Patriot Act! PATRIOT ACT!!! I love it!!" I just about piss myself every time.

Knock Your Dick in the Dirt Moment
So many to choose from, but one of the things that makes this movie so great is the fact that the best moments come at the very end of the film. In this movie, the moment is actually 3-4 moments that make up the end of the movie. I don't want to give anything away, but if you've seen the movie, you know what I'm talking about. There are literally 5 or 6 moments in the last 10 minutes where you can't say anything but "What the fuck was that?" and "Holy shit! That did not just happen!" Runner up is the scene when Costello is selling microprocessors to a bunch of Asian terrorists and both double-agents are frantically trying to give out information without compromising their identities. Text messaging has never been so dangerous.

Or if you want to get technical, the scene where Jack Nicholson wags the giant fake penis at Matt Damon in the porno theater is a "Take Your Dick Out Of Your Pants" moment.

Watch this movie if you like.....
American remakes of Asian movies, Goodfellas, hot, easy therapists.

TMS 30 Greatest Movies: #25 Casino

December 24, 2007 | Comments (0) | by Governor X

Title: Casino
Year: 1995
Genre: Drama
Main Actors: Robert DeNiro, Joe Pesci, Sharon Stone
Ranked: GovernorGrayDavis #4, The Hundley #19

Casino is Martin Scorsese's interpretation of the mob's final years in control of Las Vegas. Its the 70s, and the mob still runs Vegas. Their new casino, the Tangiers, needs a boss and their best earner Sam "Ace" Rothstein (DeNiro) is brought in to run the place.

Things go well, for a while anyway, but eventually Sam's marriage to a hooker (Stone) and his friendship with a batshit insane mob enforcer (Pesci) threaten to ruin the party. She just can't stay away from her pimp, and Pesci decides he's going to be the crime boss of Las Vegas, since all the old mob guys back home won't know any better anyway.

Casino contains 422 instances of the word "fuck". Third most all time.

Reasons This Movie Kicks Ass
Aside from being a brilliantly made film with an excellent cast from top to bottom, the story is true. Sam "Ace" Rothstein is based on Frank "Lefty" Rosenthal. The Tangiers is the Stardust, and mob lawyer Oscar Goodman is, well, Oscar Goodman (currently the Mayor of Las Vegas). DeNiro, Pesci, Scorsese, Vegas...if you need more reasons why this kicks ass, I can't help you.

Monster Role
Picking one of the leads here would be too obvious, so I'm going to say James Woods as the two-bit pimp Lester Diamond. He's sleazy, crooked, and has a 70's pornstache.

Knock Your Dick in the Dirt Moment
While there are no shortage of KYDD moments in this three hour mob epic, my dick always goes in the dirt when I see the Pesci/DeNiro argument in the desert. DeNiro thinks he may get whacked because he told the boys back home Pesci needs to lay low for awhile. Pesci wants to talk about it "a couple hundred yards further down the road" - uh oh...

Crush Your Dick in a Vice Moment
The movie's signature CYDV moment has to be when Pesci crushes Tony Dogs' head in a vice.

Watch this movie if you like...
Not getting whacked.


December 21, 2007 | Comments (0) | by Rich Funk

When the Mitchell Report broke last week, we here at the Saloon got into a pretty heated debate with a few of our readers (or more reader). However, the process wasn't at all as intellectual as it sounds. We were actually debating whether the Report itself was overrated or not. We didn't actually debate what the Report was about or what it meant to baseball.

A few days after the Report, Andy Pettitte admitted to HGH use. He said he did it twice in 2002 to try to recover faster from an elbow injury. Pettitte is quoted as saying, "If what I did was an error in judgment on my part, I apologize. I accept responsibility for those two days."

So what do you believe? Are you Pro-Pettitte or Anti-Pettitte?


You have to admire Andy Pettitte for coming clean. Instead of most of the people who blame positive steroid tests on tainted supplements or just flat out deny everything, Pettitte admitted when he took HGH and the exact conditions he took it under. He wasn't "juicing" in the traditional sense. He wasn't trying to gain an edge over the batters he was facing while on the mound. He was doing what most players that are labeled as "gamers" do: getting out onto the field by any means necessary. Andy was hurt, Andy saw a way he could get better quickly, and Andy took the chance.

We preach to kids from such a young age the value of being tough and being there for your teammates when they need you the most, and that's exactly what Pettitte did. And since he took HGH in 2002, technically he wasn't doing anything that would lead to a suspension/disciplinary action from MLB. HGH was not a banned substance at that time.

Andy Pettitte is a class act, rarely, if ever, complains, and is one of the toughest guys out there. He is driven by winning and I'm sure he's one of those guys that goes crazy when he's hurt because he's not out there helping his team win. It was this competitive drive that led him to making a mistake that shouldn't cloud the rest of his career or anything he's done in years past.


What's the first red flag that pops up in regards to Pettitte's supposed "apology"? It's that it's not even an apology at all. Let's take a look again:

"If what I did was an error in judgment on my part, I apologize. I accept responsibility for those two days."

If? IF? Pardon me, Mr. Pettitte, but that's fried bullshit on a stick if I've ever seen it. That's like shooting someone and then saying "If what I did was wrong, then I'm sorry." What do you mean "if"? Of course what you did was wrong! Sure, HGH wasn't a banned substance in baseball in 2002, but it sure as hell wasn't legal in the US without a proper prescription. Just because something isn't technically banned by MLB does not make it ok to do. I'm sure extacy isn't on the "banned" list in baseball, but you can bet your ass that doesn't make it ok to pop a few and start rolling in the clubhouse. Look, if you have to go through a shady doctor or a shady trainer or a shady dentist, or a shady anyone for that matter, just to get something to help you heal faster, you've gotta know that what you are doing is wrong.

I know as well as anyone else that a lot of athletes are found guilty in the court of public opinion before there is enough proof to convict them. After all, there are dozens of players in the Mitchell Report that have had their reputations destroyed over the word of some clubhouse attendant. But in Pettitte's case, the evidence is pretty damning. Here's a guy that's pitching extremely well for being a 35 year old, is best friends with another pitcher who just so happens to have pitched extremely well into his 40's. And they both share the same trainer who told George Mitchell that he supplied them both with performance enhancing drugs.

Pettitte saw what steroids could do for Clemens, bringing his career of dominance back to him later in life. Are we to believe that Pettitte saw this first hand, but still had the willpower to stop taking HGH after 2 doses? And does HGH help you heal that much faster after using it only twice?

But let's give Mr. Pettitte a fair chance. Let's say that all of that is coincidence. it still doesn't change what we have in writing. When the Jason Grimsley story broke and Pettitte was named as a PED user, he went into full-blown Rafael Palmeiro mode:

"I haven't done anything."

So Pettitte says he's never taken PED's. Now the Mitchell Report comes out, and he basically says "Ok, I did steroids for a little bit, but only to get on the field again."

Let's take a basic look at that:

"I didn't do anything."
"Ok, yes I did."

How can we possibly believe anything this guy says? He denied everything until he was backed into a corner and then "comes clean" with an apology that wasn't even an apology.

Chew on this: If the Mitchell Report had never existed, would Pettitte have ever admitted to his HGH use? I don't think so, and you would be a fool to think that he would.

So where do you stand? Is Andy Pettitte a liar that can't be trusted, or a stand-up guy for admitting his past mistakes and coming clean?

Defending Norv Turner

December 20, 2007 | Comments (0) | by Governor X

There are few things as fashionable in the NFL as bagging on Norv Turner. Not even that pink Tony Homo jersey Jessica "Boobs" Simpson wore to the game on Sunday. Bashing Norv is as American as mom, apple pie, and inexplicable hatred of the metric system.

But why?

Well, we're lazy. Its easier to just run with the narrative that Norv sucks than to actually do our research. I know what you're saying, "In this hectic post-9/11 world, I can't be bothered to check facts." Fortunately, I can be bothered.

1. The Redskins have been a mess since 1992.

In seven seasons with the Redskins, Norv took them to the playoffs only once. Look at his roster during that time though. The year before Norv took over the Skins, Richie Petibon led the old team he inherited from Joe Gibbs to a 4-12 record. Gibbs essentially left the cupboard bare save for a few guys who needed to be put out to pasture. During his tenure in Washington, Norv got to coach legendary draft busts like Reggie Brooks, Congressman Heath Shuler (D-NC), and Michael Westbrook. The one year they made the playoffs, 1999, was coincidentally the one year they had a QB putting up good numbers. Among those to take snaps during the Turner era are Jeff George, Jeff Hostetler, John Friesz, Gus Frerotte, and the aforementioned honorable gentleman from North Carolina, Heath Shuler.

Beyond that, look at the Redskins post-Norv. They finished over .500 three times during his tenure as coach, something they have done only once in the seven years since he was unceremoniously sacked in favor of Terry Robiskie.

2. The Raiders are run by a senile old fart wearing rhinestones.

There may have been a time when Al Davis knew how to run a football team, but that time has come and gone. Since their 2002 Superbowl appearance, the Raiders haven't won more than five games.

Once again, Vince Lombardi couldn't win with the rosters Norv was given. The starting QB during Norv's two year tenure? Kerry Collins... The Raiders leading rusher in 2004? "Famous" Amos Zereoue...with 425 yards.

Fortunately for his career, Norv wasn't allowed to languish in Oakland long and was fired in favor of Art Shell, who apparently had been waiting twelve years for Al Davis to give him another shot.

3. Norv finally gets to coach a team with talent...but its in turmoil.

Finally, after paying his dues with crap for nine seasons, Norv gets hired to coach the San Diego Chargers. The Chargers are arguably the best team in the league on paper, but they're in turmoil. Their coach was fired after a 14-2 season because he can't win the in the playoffs (justifiably fired in my opinion) and both their offensive and defensive coordinators left to take head coaching jobs. I bet Cam Cameron wishes he could go back to San Diego, but that's another issue.You don't replace your entire coaching staff without a snag. It takes awhile to come together. We're seeing that now as San Diego is 8-2 in their last 10 games with 41-3, 35-10, and 51-14 blowouts in that stretch.

4. Phillip Rivers is overrated.

The Chargers are presently 9-5, which has been good enough to clinch an AFC West title, but they've done so largely in spite of Phillip Rivers. Rivers already has six more INTs than last year and has looked lost for good chunks of games. Against Indianapolis, he literally threw a pass so off target the refs had no choice but to flag him for intentional grounding. Frankly, he should have gotten another flag for it against Tennessee two weeks ago.

5. LT is down from last year.

...but he was out of his mind last year. His yards per carry are down and contrary to what the Norv bashers would have you believe, he will in fact come close to the same number of carries this season when all is said and done.

So, my chilling preseason vision of the Chargers steamrolling to 16-0 isn't going to happen, but they are clearly coalescing around their coach now and are on a roll. I don't see anyone stopping New England now, but Norv taking the Bolts to the AFC Championship game isn't out of the question.

TMS Presents: The Best Movies of 2007

December 20, 2007 | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz

Look ma, another superficial list. Leave it to the assholes here at TMS to clutter the interweb with a list of lists that we hope validate our own humble (ahem, arrogant and often misguided)opinions.

There is something oddly cathartic and empowering about making lists. In fact, it's so addictive that I often find myself using a ranking system for all facets of life. Try ranking friends and family members. Proceed to share this info with said family and friends. Highly underrated. The look on the face of #10 is worth the price of admission alone. Or listing the Top 10 Disappointments In Your Life. I found that it was hard to narrow that down to only 10.

Anyway, without further ado. My list is better than yours. My dad can also beat up your dad. Blah, blah, blah. If nothing else, we've given you some ideas as to how to waste those Best Buy gift cards you'll be getting from Grandma.

Lights, camera, AIDS!

Daft Funk - This list will make you want to hit the dance floor and drop some elbows.

1. No Country For Old Men
2. The Bourne Ultimatum
3. Superbad
4. There Will Be Blood
5. American Gangster
6. 300
7. Juno
8. The Lookout
9. Zodiac
10. Hot Fuzz (Coincidentally, this was Daft's nickname in high school)

Movies Daft Wishes He Would Have Seen: The Assassination of Jesse James By the Coward Robert Ford, Gone Baby Gone, Into the Wild, Before the Devil Knows You're Dead, 3:10 To Yuma

Overrated: Transformers, Knocked Up

Underrated: Sunshine, The Hoax, Alpha Dog

Chaim Witz - Finally, a list you can make love to.

1. Once - 98% fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes and a cult following that would make David Koresh blush. There is a reason for these things.

2. No Country For Old Men - A mainstream movie that doesn't pander to the lowest common denominator yet remains accessible to the masses. Scary as shit to boot.

3. The Darjeeling Limited - Overrated: People bitching about Wes Anderson movies being Wes Anderson movies. One of his best yet, this one gets even better with repeat viewings.

4. Juno - A charming, sweet comedy that is able to mine laughs from realistic situations instead of relying on the zany antics of the Frat Pack.

5. Zodiac - How many times can you say of a 2.5 hour movie, 'I wish it was longer?' Well played, coked out Robert Downey Jr. (is there any other kind of RDJ?) Well played.

6. The Bourne Ultimatum - Possibly the best entry of the trilogy, with or without the shaky cam.

7. Superbad - I laughed so hard that I got my period and then it got on some dude's pants! Ewwww!

8. Charlie Wilson's War - Phillip Seymour Hoffman delivers my favorite performance of the year. He's funnier than anything in Superbad or Knocked Up.

9. Knocked Up - Slightly overrated in the same way The 40 Year Old Virgin was, but still quite funny. Paul Rudd's presence, particularly in the dinner scene where he quotes 'Back to the Future' seals the deal.

10. 3:10 To Yuma - I bought a goddamn horse because of this movie.

10.5. The Kingdom - I believe it was this film that brought to prominence the phrase 'knock your dick in the dirt'.

Next Lucky Seven in Line: Live Free or Die Hard, The Simpsons Movie, Into the Wild, Sunshine, 28 Weeks Later, Ratatouille, Blades of Glory

Chaim Witz Made This List Without Having Seen: There Will Be Blood, American Gangster, Sweeney Todd, Michael Clayton, The Assassination of Jesse James

Guilty Pleasure: Disturbia, 300, Alien vs. Predator: Requiem (Horrible title, and no I haven't seen this yet. But shit, at least this one got an 'R' rating. Even the bad Predator movies are strangely watchable.)

Overrated: I Am Legend, Spiderman 3, Gone Baby Gone, The Lookout

Underrated: Breach, The Darjeeling Limited

Just Plain Terrible: Because I Said So, Transformers, Death Sentence, Resurrecting the Champ, The Number 23, I Think I Love My Wife, The Perfect Holiday

The 'I Would Never Eat Here' Awards, given to movies I don't need to see to know that they are more than likely terrible: Rush Hour 3, Beowulf, The Comebacks, Hostel Part II, Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, License to Wed, Balls of Fury, Good Luck Chuck, Lions For Lambs, PS I Love You

Governor Gray Davis - This list hates all of the movies on Brant's list.

1. No Country for Old Men - No Country is the best movie the Coen Brothers have ever made. I can think of no greater compliment. Chigurh doesn't knock your dick in the dirt, he blows it off with a shotgun.

2. 28 Weeks Later - I'm officially on record in favor of movies about the rage virus that serve as political commentary on the mismanagement of the Iraq war.

3. Sicko - Sure the Cuban doctors were clearly peddling propaganda, but if the state of American health care doesn't disgust you, you won't be getting a Christmas letter from me next year.

4. American Gangster - Denzel is such a good actor he can win an Oscar for a bomb like Training Day. American Gangster shows you what he can do with a good role. My prediction: 5 Best Actor Oscars for Mr. Washington.

5. Black Snake Moan - What can I say? I'm a sucker for weird little films about religious boozing blues singers who hold Christina Ricci hostage in her underwear to cure her of nymphomania.

6. The Lookout - The Lookout takes a pretty standard bank heist story and peppers in a lot of new elements to produce a solid film.

7. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - I pretty much blew my wad commenting on this one here.

8. The Bourne Ultimatum - This could have been top 5 without that god damn shaky cam nonsense.

9. Sunshine - People tell me the ending falls apart a bit. Yeah, I can't really argue. Brilliant first 2/3rds though.

10. Planet Terror - Robert Rodriguez' contribution to Grindhouse is actually the third Josh Brolin movie on this list and the second to feature zombies being hacked apart by helicopter blades. Its everything Death Proof wasn't: funny, action packed, and good.

Worst of 2007:

1. The Hitcher - So bad it became a War Criminal.
2. The Hills Have Eyes 2 - I went into this with zero expectations and still got let down.
3. The Number 23 - The fact that this steaming turd of a film is only the third worst of the year tells you how bad #1 and #2 are.
4. Alpha Dog - Sorry, I just can't buy the idea of people being scared of a tubby 18 year old played by Emile Hirsch.
5. Disturbia - I expected to see a bad remake of Rear Window. Instead I got a bad remake of The Burbs.

Lingering Bursitis -These movies all pair well with Scotch eggs.

1. No Country for Old Men
2. Knocked Up
3. The Lookout
4. Black Snake Moan
5. Zodiac
6. American Gangster
7. Breach
8. Hot Fuzz
9. The Simpsons Movie
10. Grindhouse

Honourable Mention: The Last Winter, Reign Over Me [where the fuck did Adam Sandler get serious acting chops?], Sicko

James regrettably informs us that he wasn't able to see The Bourne Ultimatum yet but hears good things on the streets of London.

Dave Thomas - Short and sweet, like his namesake's lovemaking skills.

1. No Country for Old Men
2. Juno
3. Knocked Up
4. Children of Men
5. American Gangster

Honorable Mentions: Ratatouille, Superbad, and 300

This list contains only 5 movies, one of them which was technically released last year. One can surmise that Dave must have been brutally murdered before he was able to complete his list.

Brant Brown - Brant was too busy sulking to see most movies released in 2007.

1. Knocked Up - Went to this with my 18 year old sister and my soon to be mother-in-law. Wow, talk about awkward.

2. The Darjeeling Limited - Not my favorite of the Anderson movies, but it's what I expected it to be.

3. Die Hard 4 - Totally unrealistic film, and a bit of a disappointment in the grand scheme of things. Still, it's Die Hard, and I consider myself a Die Hard scholar. Unrated version: Much better

4. Sunshine - As everyone will tell you, excellent until the last half hour, which brings it down to "very good" status.

5. Rescue Dawn - Similar qualms as Sunshine. F'ing great until the last twenty minutes, and no good movie should ever end in such a cheesy, happy, feel good way. Life is about misery. Happiness should not exist in Hollywood.

6. Oceans 13 - Another disappointing sequel. I'm not even convinced it was better than the sequel. Way too choppy, way too much going on, not enough time spent on certain characters in the ensemble.

7. Superbad - Pretty damn funny at times, and certainly better than any other dumb buddy movies of late.

8. Zodiac - Really good film, keeps up the suspense throughout, and Robert Downey Jr. is one of my favorite actors.

9. Blades of Glory - Really just another run of the mill Will Ferrell movie, until the magic of Flash's Theme graces the screen.

10. Fracture - I don't know, it was OK. I'm grasping at straws here, as I only saw 11 movies of 2007.

Biggest disappointment - Transformers. What a wreck of a movie. They botched this to hell from the beginning. Just retarded. I'd rather go to church than watch this movie again.

Brant would like you to know that he has not been able to see No Country For Old men yet, but that he's about 2/3 of the way through story, albeit in book format. One would also assume that he would be a fan of There Will Be Blood, what with Radiohead's guitarist scoring the movie and all.

The Hundley - This list is was hindered due to the refusal of Quad Cities cineplexes to show anything besides Wild Hogs.

1. There Will Be Blood - Although I have not seen this, Daniel Day-Lewis is my guy, and PTA does stuff that I like. This will no doubt be my favorite of the year.

2. No Country For Old Men - Funny how an odd ending can leave you in limbo. After reading the book, more made sense, and I appreciated the movie much more.

3. The Bourne Ultimatum - Speaking of books, this series follows the books about as well as a blind man in the dark. Still, I can't recall a more entertaining action/espionage film(s) in quite awhile.

4. Knocked Up - Good humor, fun to watch, tremendous outtakes, absolutely repulsive birthing vag shot.

5. Zodiac - A little long and drawn out, but I always have a soft spot for 'Based on a true story'

6. Rescue Dawn - I gotta have more Christian Bale

7. The Darjeeling Limited - Not Wes Anderson's best by a long shot, maybe his 3rd or 4th.

8. 1408 - Starting to make some reach picks now. I remember being sort of creeped out in this one.

9. The Number 23 - Not quite sure why everyone hated it, it wasn't unwatchable. It kept my attention.

10. Blades of Glory - I laughed a few times. Will Ferrell ad-libbed a bunch of this.

The Hundley would still like to one day enjoy the subtle pleasures of: 3:10, Pirates, Superbad, Into The Wild

Worst of 2007: 300, Stomp the Yard, Spiderman 3, Transformers

Chip Wesley - *Chip has at least one kid. Maybe two. Who can be sure? I believe at least one is illegitimate. That said, he gets to the multiplex about as often as Steven Hawking does the limbo. Thus, here is his belated 2006 list. On the positive side, it has been so long by now that you can probably find most of Chip's picks in the bargain bin at Wal Mart.

*Photo of American Gangster does not necessarily reflect the tastes of Chip Wesley as Chip is generally afraid of African Americans.

1. The Departed
2. Little Miss Sunshine
3. Children of Men
4. Thank You For Smoking
5. Casino Royale
6. V For Vendetta
7. The Prestige
8. Idiocracy
9. The Last King of Scotland
10. The Devil Wears Prada

Worst of 2007, in reverse order!

"Alright I haven't seen enough good 2007 movies to warrant making a 'Best of' list, but I have seen enough shitty ones to tell offer up a quick and dirty Worst of 2007.

5. Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End - They build things up like there's going to be this huge battle with all the different pirate ships and the British fleet, but it winds up just being a couple ships in a swirling vortex of doom with all the other ships sitting idly by watching the whole thing. The biggest CGI cocktease of all time. Also someone give Keira Knightley a scotch egg.

4. Music and Lyrics - Welcome to marriage fuckers, where you get roped into shit like this as payback for all the Cubs games I forced the wife to sit through. In actuality for chick flicks you could do worse. Plus I'm ashamed to admit there were some genuinely funny parts to this film, although Drew Barrymore looks like she hasn't showered in weeks throughout it.

3. Because I Said So - See first sentence of above movie. Horrible, transparent, cliched. Should I go on? The wife had already started playing the movie On-Demand and I opted to sit through it. Looking at Mandy Moore was quite enjoyable at least.

2. Mr. Brooks - Holy shit this was bad. This has earned a spot on my list next to Nothing But Trouble for most atrocious movies I've ever sat through. Dane Cook getting his throat sliced open by a shovel at the end is the only saving grace. See for yourself here.

1. Norbit & Delta Farce - I didn't see either of these movies nor did I have to, in order to state with the utmost confidence that both flicks are quite possibly the most god awful shit committed to celluloid in quite some time. For once it wasn't Thandie Newton ruining a movie (Her character and John Woo single-handedly ruined Mission Impossible 2), but Eddie Murphy in a fat suit. Seriously we don't care that you play 18 characters and wear fat suits. Larry the Cable Guy, please go away. Has anyone made more of a career from doing so little? I almost don't blame him as much as I blame the ignorant redneck assholes who actually think he's funny. "Hee hee, he said fart! Dat der sum funny shit man!"

*Note: Chip needs to calm down.