Monday Afternoon Hangover: Week 14

December 11, 2007 | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan

My desire to write a Hangover better than last week's is the only thing keeping me going. Let's see how I do.

Washington 24
Chicago 16
What did I miss? Jason Campbell got jacked up, Rex Grossman got jacked up and the Bears lost yet again.

Enter the Neckbeard for Week 15. I'm stocking up on Jack Daniels already.

Cincinnati 19
St. Louis 10
Holy shit, Brock Berlin is gainfully employed in the NFL? At this point I see Carson Palmer somehow dropping to like the 8th or 9th ranked QB in next year's preseason fantasy rankings, then blowing up. Also a "welcome back" goes out to Rudi Johnson who ran for 92 yards and a touchdown. Where the hell have you been all season asshole?

Dallas 28
Detroit 27
Detroit wins this week's "Haha Look at You!" Award for blowing the game against Dallas. Yep, I'm pretty sure Jesus hates the Lions. That's 5 losses in a row for Detroit now, as they find themselves on the wrong side of the playoff fence.

Green Bay 38
Oakland 7
Is anyone supposed to be intimidated with an offense that features Josh McCown and Huggy Bear Fargas? The Packers certainly weren't as they rolled to victory. The jury was still out for me on Green Bay earlier in the season, but with Ryan Grant establishing himself as a viable option in the running game, and with the Bears out of the running, I'm putting my suppoert behind the Pack. (Dodge flying beer bottles) What?! Screw you assholes, who else in the NFC should I cheer for, the Cowboys?

Buffalo 38
Miami 17
7-6 or not, beating the piss out of a Miami team that has for all intents and purposes given up doesn't make you a good team. What do you think is greater, the number of catchers the Cubs used this past season or the number of RB's the Dolphins have used? Answer: It's a tie at 7.

Houston 28
Tampa Bay 14
With Ahman Green out of the picture, the Great Daynes certainly had something to cheer about this week.....but not for long. Dayne eventually got hurt, which made way for Hootie and the Blowfish frontman, Darius Walker.

"Haha Look at You!" Award runner-up to the Houston front office for essentially throwing away draft picks for the ineffective Matt Schaub when they had the perfectly capable Sage Rosenfels already on the payroll.

San Diego 23
Tennessee 17
The Chargers win again and pretty much punch their ticket into the playoffs. Speaking of playoffs, the TMS Tecmo Simulator 2000 is already being calibrated for the upcoming playoffs. I'm going to have a bitch of a time trying to figure out how to program inevitable bad coaching from Norv Turner.

Jacksonville 37
Carolina 6
I think I've said it before but I'll mention it again. Carolina Panthers, not very good. Christ, how far they've fallen without the incredibly overrated Jake Delhomme at QB.

How about the Jags by the way? Solid defense, David Garrard has turned into a pretty good QB, and Fred Taylor and Maurice Jones-Drew provides them with two great running options. At this point I'm pretty much putting my support behind any playoff-bound teams that aren't from New England, Indy, San Diego, Dallas, or Seattle. Packers-Jags in the Super Bowl!

New York Giants 16
Philadelphia 13
Hey Donovan McNabb is back. Obvious Philly can get back to winning again.....oh wait.

God damn Giants. They're 9-4 and yet I'm wholly unimpressed by this team, and that's without my hatred of Mongoloid Manning clouding my judgment. My prediction: Giants get bounced in the first round by Minnesota.

Seattle 42
Arizona 21
There's only so much the Sultan of Stubble can do in this post-9/11 society.

Minnesota 27
San Francisco 7
Adrian Peterson, 14 carries, 3 yards. Thankfully San Francisco is the worst team in the league, and I am counting Miami when I say that. I'm sure Frank Gore is happy that his best years are being utterly wasted in a Niners uniform.

New England 34
Pittsburgh 13
New England ran 8 run plays all game. EIGHT! You know what they're going to do and it still doesn't matter. I think it's clear that Belichick has sold his soul (and his wardrobe) to Satan. Don't you worry Billy Boy, as this article from Cubby-Blue points out, you'll get your's in due time.

Denver 41
Kansas City 7
If only Denver could have played 16 home games against the Chiefs, then maybe my pick for them to win the Super Bowl wouldn't have seemed so ridiculous. Oh well, it's still not as bad as my atrocious 4th prediction for the Red Sox last season. In other news, there have been multiple confirmations that Brandon Marshall can in fact catch a football.

Indianapolis 44
Baltimore 20
You know 37-7 would have been a suitable final score for a blowout game. In this case that was the score at halftime. Holy crap, did you see the stands in the middle of the second quarter? It was like a ghost town. Can you blame them though? Who would want to watch Kyle Boller take a shit in the rain for 3 hours?

Cleveland 24
New York Jets 18
You gotta be happy for Cleveland. After years of being the doormat in the AFC they finally appear to be playoff-bound. I guess they should enjoy it now, since next year they'll take a huge step back when Derek Anderson is playing for someone else and Brady Quinn is struggling mightily behind center.

New Orelans 34
Atlanta 14
Chris freaking Redman started at QB. Last time Redman started a game in the NFL, the DC snipers were still at large and the Bush Administration was just in the process of duping everyone into thinking we should go to Iraq.

The Golden Nutcup Team
Wear it with pride fellas!

Road Salt - God bless you in all your ice melting glory

The Flaming Bag Team
Don't put them out with your boot, Harold!

People overreacting to an ice storm - Holy shit, we live in the Midwest people! We have the capable means to mitigate such winter storms. There is no need to ransack the local Hy-Vee in case you get stuck in your home for 18 hours.