Killer Peanuts: Proving One More Time A Black Man Was Wrong

August 31, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Ginger Russ

This past Thursday through Sunday I traveled to Denver to help crew the Breast Cancer 3 Day Walk. It was a nice and unexpectedly enjoyable break from the drain of everyday life. Although I was forced to give up on luxuries like flushable toilets, alcohol, smoking, television, internet, and the Cubs (the last I honestly didn't miss that much), I did get to spend a few days with some pretty remarkable women getting together to support a good cause. It was a little like I would imagine Lillith Fair to be like (I spent 3 days around 700 women, often in different stages of undress and still did not touch one boob) except the crowd was a little older and less hippy.

But that's not what I'm here to write about. Before the plane ride home as the flight bitches (that's the PC term right?) were giving there usual safety shpeel, they included one little nugget that sent me off like Milton Bradley on a close called strike three. Apparently someone on the plane had a peanut allergy and therefore they would not be serving peanuts on the flight.

WTF!?! I imagine if George Washington Carver was alive today, he would be forming a posse with the ACLU to sue not only the airlines, but basically every other social setting imaginable. Up until a couple years ago, I had never even heard of peanut allergies. But today, peanuts are like the new anthrax. Schools have banned serving peanuts or peanut butter. Huge warning labels warn me that products may contain peanut dust. Last year Safeco Field in Seattle introduced a peanut-free zone in their parks.

Yes, folks, the terrorists have won.

But my story doesn't end there. While apparently peanuts are now considered weapons of mass destruction, airlines have started to allow those little fucking lap dogs onto the planes.

Seriously you rich fucks, go fuck yourselves in your fucking asses.

If there is one thing that is more annoying than a baby crying in my ear for 4 hours it's a fucking inbred miniature poodle barking. That's not the half of it. I have allergies too. No one asked me when I got on the plane whether or not I have an animal dander allergy and if I wouldn't mind sneezing and having watery eyes the entire flight. Granted, I probably won't die from this allergy, but I might be sent to jail for a really long time when I jump out of my seat and strangle your little "Bubbles" to death for making me want to cut my own nose off.

So now I have two more people to add to my list. People bringing dogs on the plane and those with peanut allergies. Did you know that more than 5 times the amount of people died in airplane accidents last year than peanut-related deaths? You're all worried about death? Don't fucking fly. In the meantime, I would like to enjoy my little bag of four stale, honey roasted peanuts. Three of which I will eat and the last to make your dog eat, hoping he chokes on it and dies.

Bear Down.

You Make the Call

August 31, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan

Aaron Miles.....................or........................Aaron Miles

To be fair, the stump does have a better on base percentage.

TMS No Longer Supports Oasis

August 31, 2009 | Comments (0) | by T.R.

If you followed Britpop in the 1990's, you probably fell into one of two camps: those who preferred Oasis, and those who preferred Blur. I grew up in the United States, but even I knew in those tender teenage years that I must pledge my allegiance to one or the other. I have been a Blur man since that time, tried and true. In those days, I would discount and discredit Oasis in social circles at any given opportunity. Fortunately I matured over the last decade, and in recent years, had come to appreciate Oasis's back catalog.

When Don't Believe the Truth was released in 2005, I was still fairly ambivalent to Oasis. At the prodding of former TMS scribe Governor X, I decided to sit down and give it a spin. I was immediately taken aback by the tight melodies and concise songwriting. It seemed as if Oasis were taking a turn away from the meandering anthemic rock which had served them so well in the past. This album was quite representative of the band's best qualities; Liam's vocals, infectious rhythmic guitar, and a melodic punch to the mouth. The effort actually caused me to anxiously await the release of their last effort, Dig Out Your Soul.

Oh, how naive I was. These were the Gallagher brothers for the love of Christ. How could I not only set aside years of indifference and quasi-hatred, but also be sucked into believing that I could follow this band? Dig Out Your Soul, released in autumn 2008, was the equivalent of a 20-minute fling in a restaurant with Rick Pitino: excitement and expectation culminating in a relative musical abortion. What a horrible, indefensible album. It was a return to the rambling, plodding, tonal nonsense of earlier efforts, in which each song would have benefit by having at least a minute chopped off.

Then came this weekend. Conservative estimates would count last Friday as the third time that Noel Gallagher has quit Oasis. I haven't even quit TMS that many times. Noel, arguably the glue of the band, claims that he was forced out of the group. While it's no secret that the brothers Gallagher have maintained a rocky working and familial relationship, I find it hard to believe that Oasis will become kaput in light of this event. But honestly, who gives a shit now? Time and time again, Noel and Liam have proven themselves to be petulant little children playing a man's game. Will Noel move on to a prosperous solo career? It doesn't matter, and who could really give a shit at this point? I am fairly embarrassed that these jackasses were able to suck me in, and I firmly insist that they will have no such sway over my musical sensibilities ever again.

TMS no longer supports Oasis.

5 Things That Didn't Always Suck But Do Now

August 29, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Adam Blank

Most Cubs fans have already written off the 2009 season, myself included. It's not an unfamiliar place for us Cubs fans to be, but this season seems a little more disappointing than the previous years I've slowly given up faith late in the summer. I attribute this to the glorious 2008 regular season, when it felt like the Cubs could do no wrong and that elusive trip to the World Series was really going to happen. It obviously didn't. I still wake up in cold sweats thinking about getting swept out of last year's playoffs...

Anyway, the abysmal 2009 season got me to thinking about other things which, for one reason or another, used to be good, but have deteriorated into complete sucktitude. So here are 5 things off the top of my head that used to be good but now suck...

5). The History Channel. Remember when it used to be all about the Hitler? Ok, that may be simplifying it a bit; they also had great specials about the French Revolution, The Dark Ages, Cavemen, and other topics that actually had something to do with history. Nowadays the History Channel (or as it is now known, "History") features total bullshit like Ice Road Truckers, Ax Men, and Monsterquest. And when they aren't showing these ridiculous shows, they're re-airing 15 year old documentaries about UFOs & Roswell. Sure, they still have decent specials once in a blue moon, and The Universe is generally interesting, but they lost me when they started making reality TV shows appealing to the NASCAR crowd. Oh History Channel, bring back Hitler!

4). Prince. I used to be a huge fan. In addition to all the Prince albums of the 80's and early 90's which were actually good, I also own Emancipation and Crystal Ball. These 2 albums collectively consist of 7 cds of truly awful songs about God, his dead baby, and how exponentially more stylish Prince is than you, I, or anyone else. Since the mid-90's, Prince has released 10 albums, most of them unlistenable. Even worse, he started threatening to sue his own fans for posting unlicensed pictures of himself and his album covers online, all the while charging upwards of $80 for shitty nosebleed tickets to his live performances. Then, at a 2008 concert, he covered Radiohead's "Creep" and then demanded that fan-uploaded footage of the performance be removed from YouTube, over the protestations of Radiohead's Thom Yorke, who pointed out, "It's our song." Fuck you, Prince. Fuck you for making me think highly of Radiohead.

3) Midnight Movies. Midnight movies come in 2 different varieties; the new Hollywood blockbuster and older movie revivals. I currently take offense to both of them. In the past 10 years, midnight releases of new movies went from culturally iconic movies such as the Star Wars prequels and Lord of the Rings to what I assume to be crapfests like Transformers 2 and Terminator 4. Sure, the Star Wars prequels sucked, but we didn't know they were going to suck when we bought our tickets to the 12:01 showings. Nowadays, any movie that's primarily geared towards people between 18 and 30 seems to get a midnight release. If that weren't bad enough, the midnight revival movies have gone from sick & surreal masterpieces like Pink Flamingos and Eraserhead to Ferris Bueller's Day Off and Pee Wee's Big Adventure. Do I hate the latter movies? No. But midnight movies are supposed to be a subversive event where people shed their cultural mores and dabble in the taboo. For fuck's sake, I can watch Ferris Bueller at least once a week on cable.

2) Zombies. It seems like only yesterday that I could talk about Romero's Day of the Dead or Fulci's Zombi and be greeted with blank stares from members of the general populace. Oh, how I long for those days. That isn't the case today. Zombies have been huge for the past decade, even though a decent zombie movie hasn't been made since the mid 80's. In 1997, my hastily written plan to survive a zombie outbreak was met with ridicule from my peers. Six years later,long after I stopped caring, Max Brooks published The Zombie Survival Guide, which was a huge success. A film adaptation of his follow-up book, World War Z, is in the works. Both books are fairly shitty, but that scarcely matters to this generation of imbeciles who are obsessed with the living dead for whatever fucking reason. That being said, the shittiest zombie of them all is Rob Zombie, who had a halfway decent metal band in White Zombie, but went on to butcher the already ridiculous Halloween franchise, remade The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and called it House of 1000 Corpses, and stole all the major plot points from The Empire Strikes Back and reshot it as The Devil's Rejects. Fuck all zombies.

1) The Simpsons. This show has sucked for over 50% of the time it has existed. What was once a brilliant satire with likable characters, memorable quotes, and subtle, clever stories with a message has turned into a crass show with no soul that showcases Homer wearing a new hat every week and getting profoundly injured in the process. It's the Family Guy; except (as much as I hate to admit it) The Family Guy at least pushes the envelope from time to time. I have pinpointed the exact moment The Simpsons began to suck: With a few sporadic exceptions, everything that takes place after Apu got married has been a huge disappointment. To be fair, that particular plot point has nothing to do with why The Simpsons currently suck; it's just a place-marker. Regardless, that episode aired in November 1997. It's now 2009. That's 12 years of sucking. Come on, people; let's move on already.

SPAM Alert

August 28, 2009 | Comments (0) | by White Chili

I receive, on average, a few hundred emails a day. I have everything set up so that the proper emails end up in their respective folders and I can make some sense out of the madness. I also have my junk email folder set to empty once a week, though I never actually check to see what ends up in there. Lacking any sort of direction today, I took a peek and wow, a kings ransom worth of comedy!

There seem to be three major categories:

Sex (Make your dick huge, last forever in bed, hot girls in your neighborhood that want you)
Cash (Credit cards, Nigeria)
Drugs (Canadian pharmacies, drugs that help you have sex: see above)

There is a certain art to crafting this kind of poetry so when something sticks out, it really has to be a special kind of gold. Here are a few of my favorites:

Learn the Tricks to Being a Player

"Nothing sadder than being the nice guy that always gets left behind..."

Well that's a real kick in the taint. Why wouldn't I want to click on this link? I'm a nice guy. Why shouldn't I be fighting off hordes of women with a sharp stick? There is, however, a warning that these are advanced links so it might be better just to move on to the next link and pick up some experience first.

Make 3-D Girl Wet

3-D is so in right now. Everything from ninja hamsters to Up! to The Final Destination is being shoved in America's face and you'll miss it if you don't have a pair of cereal box red and blues. Unfortunately this ad is a little bit misleading and actually offers a HUGE discount on Cialis and Levitra from Canada. "With our pilule taken waking your friendo will be more like stepping over the threshold!" Sweet.

nightcap. The baby is very comfortable, for I peeped int....

I understand that spam is supposed to try and get you to open the message with a gimmick or in making you feel like the message is from a loved one. Alright, let's see how the baby is.

"one of the finest little boys that the medical man had ever seen all Beyond putting a very excellent client out of humour, Miss Nickleby has harmless, faithful, loving creature but the same in nothing else. the gentleman displayed, the transformation of the ladies was still more".

What? I mean, I realize that I'm already on the FBI's watch list for opening this but that's not even a fucking sentence. At least make an effort. Humour? I blame the Brits for this one.


Now we're in business. "The International Awareness Promotion Department of the BMW Automobile Company wishes to congratulate you on your success as the STAR PRIZE WINNER in this years' BMW Automobile International AwarenessPromotion (IAP) held on Monday 3rd of August, 2009, in Accra Ghana. This makes you the proud owner of a brand new BMW 5 Series, MSport Saloon car and a cash prize of £750,000.00 GBP (Seven Hundred And Fifty Thousand Great British pounds)"

Holy shit, a saloon car? Finally, my time on this site has paid off, in spades. International Awareness Promotion dept. huh? Accra Ghana? That all seems very reputable. I mean, if our President is from there then they wouldn't scam me right? Yes we can!

Power up your love making gun once and forever

Go on...

The Intern Soapbox

August 28, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Zachary Kenitzer

Forgive me while I climb onto this small Soapbox...

So earlier this week I was in the car listening to NPR talk about how, while large newspapers are dying while smaller "farm-league" and "fringe" publications, blogs and podcasts are beginning to take a serious look at presenting and reporting on "the news" as they see fit. This made me think very carefully about the future tenure I might be given at TMS, would we, the gaggle of bawdy, lewd and drunk bloggers, become a legitimate news organization that provides fans with an insight into who the next starting line up of the Cubs could be? Could we sway the opinions of Cubs fans throughout the US? Could we really get the Monopoly Man fired?

As the story began to develop on the radio they talked about how organizations like the AARP and the Heritage Foundation both have developed newsletters or blogs to detail their positions, publish articles that support them, and publish editorials and outside commentary (naturally the commentary usually takes a "issue" with the articles, but they are profoundly simple issues that are easily rebutted, hence fortifying the original position taken). Could we at TMS start a movement to rename Wrigley Field to Murton Memorial? Could we become the angel (or demon) next to Lou's ears and tell him to start Matt Murton to return the Thunder? Could we make a plausible argument to remove grass and dirt from Wrigley and replace it with Astroturf made from afro wigs? Could we put Ginger Russ on the TV Show Hells Kitchen? Could Death League become Americas next Pastime? Could we propose "Baseball Shorts" again?

Starting to sound scary isn't it...

What could TMS do if we had the power that places like CBS, ABC, or the Tribune do. Could we conceivably take over the world? *Insert Evil Laugh Here*

But alas, to you loyal legions of readers, fellow food snobs, alcoholics and downtrodden fans I don't think you have anything to worry about, for TMS will never be a "legitimate" news organization that presents the news with no commentary. We will always be opinionated. We will always be hammered drunk and we pledge to never replace the field at Wrigley with Astroturf made from afro wigs.

I will now step down from my soapbox and reassume my intern duties... being the only college student here I was upset when the Communications department didn't call it a "real" internship because someone wouldn't sign the slip nessecary for me to get credit.

Battle of Who Could Care Less: Cubs vs. Mets

August 28, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan

When two teams with the largest payrolls in the National League play each other late in the season, one would assume there to be excitement in the air, a buzz of playoff contention, the anticipation of every pitch becoming a season-changing play.

When those two teams are the Cubs and Mets in 2009, replace the excitement with the smell of your grandpa's 30 year old recliner seat cushion full of stale beer farts. And that buzz isn't postseason related, but actually due to you still being drunk this morning after another long night of sad bastard drinking.

The anticipation of every pitch however, is that it could draw us one out closer to the slow agonizing death that has been this season.

I'll admit that even this week I still had a small flicker of hope left for 2009. A long home stand starting off with a visit from the Nats. Yeah, a good string of wins here and it could be an interesting September. Then Washington took that small flicker, stomped it out, and pissed on the ashes.

"I don't care any more."

I've heard this from a handful of Cubs fans now. Others maintain an undying optimism, that's one part endearing and one part annoying vapid emptiness. I claim neither. I'm optimistic for next season yes, always will be. But I also know this season is toast. I never stop caring though, it's just right now I'm caring a whole lot less than I did a couple months ago.

Today's game features Ted Lilly against Pat Misch. I expect Lilly to go out and dominate for at least 6 innings before the precarious crapshoot the Cubs bullpen has become tries to keep things in check.

I expect Milton Bradley to strike out looking at least once which will draw a deluge of boos from the crowd. At this point I have no qualms with the boobirds expressing their anger and frustration with Bradley. I defended him all season but every time he opens his mouth the need I have to justify him dissipates more and more.

I expect the Cubs to win 2 of 3 in this series, because one of the Mets' no-name starters will more than likely baffle the offense.

Nelson Figueroa
is starting Sunday for the Mets. Jesus, at least our injury situation hasn't been THAT bad.

Also look out for Chaim Witz in the bleachers today. He'll be the one heavily drinking and crying, neither of which have anything to do with the Cubs play. That's just his daily ritual. Today he's just giving the public the chance to see him do it out in General Admission.

Rockies in 6!

TMS Booze Project: Gentleman Jack

August 27, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Adam Blank

Fuck the TMS Beer Project, here's the TMS Booze Project...

Beverage: Gentleman Jack

Distilled by: Jack Daniel Distillery, Lynchburg, TN

Type: "Rare" Tennessee Whiskey

Receptacle: 750 mL glass bottle (with plastic twist-off cap)

History: 4. We all know that good ol' Jack Daniel's Number 7 has been around forever, but this classier version was released in 1988. According to the Jack Daniel's propaganda department, this formula is based on Jack Daniel's attempts to double-charcoal filter the whiskey. While that story is complete bullshit, this was the first new Jack Daniel's Whiskey in over 100 years.

General Characteristics: (1 being dog urine rung out of a dirty rag, 10 being that scene in Leaving Las Vegas where Nicholas Cage is drinking the whiskey off what's her face's tits): 8. This shit's got character. It's sweet, mellow and light-bodied. I've never thought about it before, but those are also characteristics I find preferable in women. However, unlike women, Gentleman Jack only cost me $20 and didn't extract a piece of my soul. It smells like Maker's Mark, but it doesn't have the heavy, back of the throat-coating smokehouse tinge of a bourbon. Normally I WANT that, but this is the first whiskey I've had in a long time that didn't make me regret not buying bourbon instead.

Straight from the bottle: 7. It's ridiculously mellow and as smooth as Barry White's voice transplanted into a piece of velvet-lined obsidian. There's a hint of honey in there, but I don't have any elaborate metaphor for that. There's a gentle warmth to this whiskey; not like regular Jack which felt like swallowing shards of glass.

Mixibility: N/A. To be fair, I didn't try to mix even a "whiskey & coke" with this stuff. It's way too mellow to mix with anything. Mixed drinks with whiskey as the focal point need a sharpness that this particular spirit doesn't have. But who cares? Gentleman Jack is amazing out of the bottle, and probably in the sack. You have to bareback this shit.

Intoxication : 5 Perhaps the most disappointing aspect of Gentleman Jack is that it's the standard 40% alcohol. Sure, it'll get you drunk, but I truly believe this whiskey would benefit from a 5% spike in alcohol content. This would accomplish two things: 1) It would sharpen the flavor a bit, which would make it more versatile, and 2) It would make me feel better about paying 25% more for it than for regular Jack if it had a higher alcohol content.

Affordability ($ being Prestige Whiskey, $$$$ being The Ritz Side Car): $$. It was on sale for $20 at CVS. Not cheap, but not very expensive for a really decent American Whiskey.

Effect on your ability to function the next day: ?? I'm drinking Gentleman Jack while I'm writing this. Since it's the first good whiskey I've had in a month, I'm going to keep drinking it while watching the Cubs lose. Only time will tell if the hangover will take my mind off the abysmal 2009 season.

Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me, Guess I'll Go Eat Worms

August 27, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Arcturus

As in the past, Milton Bradley's biggest enemy isn't his bat, but his mouth. "All I'm saying is I pray the game is nine innings, so I can go out there the least amount of time possible and go home". Well, that's just fucking great, Milton. I'm so glad the Cubs are paying you millions of dollars so you can put forth the least amount of effort, punch the timeclock and go home. I'm not naive enough to believe that there aren't some real racist douchenozzles in the crowd who are slinging racial epitaphs at Bradley. Jacque Jones heard plenty of it, as did LaTroy Hawkins and probably every man of color who ever played for the Cubs. (Or any other team. I refuse to believe that Chicago has the monopoly on racist assbags. Not in a country where some of the population refuse to believe the president was born in America.) Hell, there were the dipshits who created the "Horry Kow" T-shirts when Fukudome signed with the Cubs. And those fuckers were supposedly rooting for Kosuke.

Bradley also said: "When I go home and look in the mirror, I like what I see. My family is there I have people I can talk to who are very supportive, in spite of everything and all the adversity and the hatred you face on a daily basis. But I'll be all right. I always have."

Jesus Christ dude, you're a grown man getting paid millions to play a child's game. You're not fighting in a war or leading the battle against cancer. I'm sorry people are picking on you, but let's not exaggerate our own importance, okay?

This is nothing new. Milton has always been a thin-skinned aggravating player. He's bounced from clubhouse to clubhouse in his career and no other GM was willing to take a shot at giving this guy a multi-year deal. Except the Cubs. Of course. So now we're stuck with this guy who hates the city, the ballpark, and the fans he's playing for for the next two years. Okay. Milton, you go ahead and put in your time in a workmanlike fashion. I promise not to buy anything with your name and number on it and when you leave in two years, let's both agree to pretend that this three year stretch of Cub history never happened. And if by some miracle the Cubs win a World Series while you're here, I'm thinking maybe you should let the league keep the ring. Yeah, right.

My Sad Little Life: A Recap

August 27, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Wolter

Market THIS you worthless tick of a man.What's been going on in my brain of late:
Thunder Matt has been DFA'd in Colorado, yet no one will pull the trigger on the AArons here. Hendry, I'm looking in your Huttesque direction.

Apparently Crane Kenney is still going to be president of the Cubs under the Ricketts regime. Meet the New Boss. Literally and With No Exaggeration, Same as the Old Boss.

Despite my best attempts to defend him from the more emotional and strident Cubs fans I know, Milton Bradley insists on being a temperamental prick. At least he's making contact, finally.

Wednesday's 9-4 win has done NOTHING to wash the stain of the 15-6 loss to the Nats on Tuesday. I thought I had given up on this team before, but AAron Heilman coughing up the Grand Slam will go down in the history books as the exact moment I stopped giving a tin shit about the 2009 Cubs. And I'm better for it.

I'm up to page 190 on Mason & Dixon. Some really beautiful writing on the relationship between fathers and sons and the nature of love, longing, grief, and duty. Not nearly enough talking clocks, though.

My fiancee is out of town for four days starting tonight, which means the meals I cook are less in the area of "a small portion of cooked fish and a salad with homemade vinaigrette," and more along the lines of "steak, tater tots, and scotch." It also means I may have a heart attack by Friday.

On the subject of Steak:
A) My cut was pretty cheap, but I marinated the living hell out of it. With coffee. It was pretty decent.
B) I also made gravy. Because I am southern. It was awesome.

I have eaten enough of these to choke a hippo tonight.On the subject of Tater Tots:
A) Much like Wayne Newton with pasta, I always make too much.
B) If you are going to bake them (because, like me, you don't want to start a grease fire in your hovel), for god's sake, broil them for a couple of minutes or they're really just soggy potato lumps.
C) Though they run the risk of moving into Overrated territory, I love that Tater Tots are showing up on a lot of local bar menus. They are great drunk food.

On the subject of Scotch:
A) I like it.
B) A lot.

On the subject of Holy Shit, This Is Rad:
A) Holy shit, this is rad.

Repeated viewings of Bridezillas with said fiancee over the past few weeks (which is doing wonders for my masculinity, let me tell you) have led me to the conclusion that Women Must Be Stopped. Honestly. It seems like half of these cows are only getting married so they can treat their best friends like slaves for a few weeks.

I LOVE HOOLIGANISM! Oi! Oi! Oi!Within hours of declaring that I was arbitrarily supporting West Ham United FC (though not actually watching soccer, as it bores me to tears) for the sole reason that Steve Harris of Iron Maiden is a huge fan, their supporters got into a riot with Millwall supporters. Which delights me to no end, because while I don't really care about soccer, I really love hooliganism.

It turns out none of the things I've had to say have moved me enough to write a full blog entry. So you get these dregs. Hope you're happy.

Oh, and instead of watching the Cubs game tonight, I watched a couple of Simpsons DVDs. It was the most fun I've had during a ballgame all year. I can only assume the fact that my apathy has hit full swing will make the Cubs a team of winners. You're welcome.

Thunderwatch 2009: Murton Released into the Wild

August 26, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan


Jesus, that didn't last long. After getting a call up from AAA just the other day, the Rockies have designated Thunder Matt Murton for assignment.

Actually this is probably a good thing for Murton as the Colorado outfield just didn't have any room for him and he's certainly good enough to be on a major league club right now. I would imagine a team will pick him up relatively quick.

Good luck to Thunder Matt wherever he lands.

Glenallen Hill: 2009 Battle Royale Champion!

August 26, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan

With a final score of 20-17, Glenallen Hill defeates Keith Moreland to become the first ever champion of the Cubs of Yore Battle Royale.

Congrats to Hill, and good luck to him next year when he'll defend his title in CoYBR 2010.

Thank you to everyone that participated throughout the Battle Royale.

Spare Some Change? GFY!

August 26, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Ginger Russ

Why do I feel the need to say, “I’m sorry.” when a beggar asks me for change? You know what, I’m not sorry. In fact, “Fuck you.” I understand in these tough economic times that some people are down on their luck, but fuck you and your begging.

I had a friend once that lived in Denver and made his living by panhandling. On a bad day he made about $30, on a good day he could make up to $200. That’s more than I make for an honest (most of the time) day’s work. My friend would then go back to his studio apartment at night, go out to the bars and then order delivery when he got home. He wasn’t homeless. He wasn’t destitute. He was just really good at asking people for money and figured he could make a lot more doing that than working at McDonald’s.

I also had a friend that got a job in downtown Chicago and passed the same homeless guy every day asking for a buck or two for a sandwich. So you what she did after a couple weeks? That’s right - she made a couple peanut and butter sammies and tried to give them to him the next day. He told her to fuck off and almost physically assaulted her for “insulting” him.

You know who I like? Beggars that aren’t afraid to ask for what they want. If you came up to me and said you wanted a couple bucks for a forty I would gladly reach into my pocket and hand you a five spot. Because you were honest.

And don’t ask me for a cigarette after I might have felt giving that day and handed over the change in my pocket. You might as well ask me for a small nugget of gold while you’re at it with the price of cigarettes.

So Heilman, Miles, Jeff ND, at the beginning of next year when you’re out of job don’t even think about asking me for my spare change as I pull out of Popeye’s (like how I turned this into a Cubs post?). One of these days I’m just going to punch you beggars in the face and then stab you and take the small fortune of quarters and dime bags of crack you have in your pockets.

Bear Down!

Thunderwatch 2009: Murton Back in Bigs

August 26, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan


Good old Thunder Matt was called back up from AAA yesterday. This announcement was more of an afterthought to the bigger news of the promotion of Eric Young Jr. With Carlos Gonzalez still ailing from a knife wound and Dexter Fowler hitting the DL, the Rockies actually needed some outfielders. Young who traditionally has played 2B will fill in at CF for Fowler. Murton's role I would assume is more to add depth to the bench as Colorado has Brad Hawpe, Ryan Spilborghs, and Seth Smith to cover the corner outfield spots.

I would hope Murton will be a part of the expanded roster in September and possibly make a case to be included on the playoff roster. In 86 games with AAA Colorado Springs, Thunder Matt has batted .321 with 10 home runs, 71 RBI and 10 stolen bases. He's also sporting a .388 OBP.

Movies I’m Not Looking Forward To

August 25, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Zachary Kenitzer

I like movies, a lot. I enjoy watching, quoting and re-watching. While these opinions are mine and solely mine I do not expect the rest of the TMS Staff to agree with me, rather I expect them some one like Chaim to throw a foamy latte back in my face because it makes him farty and bloated (I’m the intern, its a challenge to get it without excessive foam)

The Final Destination

OK, so the series has gone on long enough and they are effectively killing the franchise of horror flicks that brought in tons of money. Frankly I don’t understand how there got to be so many of them in the first place (with this one it brings it to four) but it has raked in $316,000,000. The power of the almighty dollar.

But what is even more bizarre is that the ratings have gone up with each subsequent version of the movie, yet it is still way below par with reviews not even meeting the two star out of four in most cases.

Besides, the new previews for it are hilarious... there appears to be a girls head caught in the sun roof of a car as it goes through the automated car wash with saw blades, a escalator that collapsed to reveal human eating machines and a plane that crashes into a back yard. What is this? Donnie Darko?

All About Steve

This movie suffers from what I like to call Seth Rogan Disease. Bradley Cooper and the small asian man are at it again in a movie that tries to be a romantic comedy with Sandra Bullock. I am already tired of Seth Rogan, but now they are taking Bradley Cooper and throwing him into anything that remotely resembles a comedy.

You can also tell if a movie is going to suck from the number of trailers that are on TV. This movie isn’t due to come out until September 4, but ads have been on TV now for at least three weeks. The sheer amount of ads for it (I saw three in one 30 minute sitting) tell me it that the producers go “Shit, this movie sucks, we are going to lose a lot of money. Lets advertise the shit out of it so that people just go to the movies and once they buy that ticket the money is ours. If they walk out because its terrible, they walk out.”

Sorority Row

A killer is on the loose in a small college town and killing hot Sorority girls, making it a dude movie that you can take your girlfriend to because its a horror movie. I love how generic the scenes are in the preview. You could literally switch the titles between any generic horror movie (House of Wax, etc) with this preview and you would think its a different movie because the title is the only different thing.

Its like a Nickelback Song: Insert power chords, Chad Kroger and a hook that follows 4-4- time pattern and wha-la you have a terrible song that sounds like every other Nickelback song.

Release The Meatheads!

August 25, 2009 | Comments (0) | by The Hundley

The NFL season is nearly upon us. It's impossible not to realize, even if you're not a fan of the game. It gets thrust down our throat like a plot in a Linda Lovelace film. I'm not here to argue about whether football is better than baseball (it's not). Obviously it's a huge enterprise. Fantasy football has to be the unquestioned king in the Fantasy Sports World, Parlay cards are done all over in shady fashion, NFL Ticket on DirecTV is far and away their biggest PPV package, and local bars around the country line their pockets on otherwise slow Sunday afternoons.

The problem with football is the meathead contingency. It goes hand-in-hand with the NFL, and why wouldn't it? More than any other mainstream sport, the NFL is built around and dominated by the Alpha Male. Bigger, faster, and stronger is the name of the game. For as much as the NFL tries to make the game safer with advancement in equipment technology or rules to protect the QBs, many of the TV highlights are dominated by supreme tackles or punishment doled out by O-linemen or running backs (see ESPN's "JACK'D UP!" segment).

But really, why not? That's what we all want to see. We all want to be entertained. That's not the problem for me. For me it's all about the Meathead Mentality. As much as the players can be supreme, Alpha Meatheads (Ray Lewis, anyone? Gilbert Brown's grave digger dance? Brian Urlacher whenever he grunts out a monosyllabic interview?), that doesn't even matter. That's part of the charm. Like I said, we're at The Coliseum to see the gladiators. ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED? No, it's the other aspects that sully the experience.

Don't believe me? Then I guess you've never watched an NFL broadcast, specifically on Fox. As bad as Terry "The Bumpkin" Bradshaw is on the pregame, it's the actual game broadcasts that it becomes laughable. Brian Baldinger, (formerly) Mike Golic, Tony Siragusa, Michael Strahan, Bill Maas, jeepers creepers. Talking is not an option, it's all about yelling whenever you want and jabbering about food. What do these mutants do when they're not on TV? I'm guessing it involves dragging their wife around the house by their hair, cavemanning them, yelling, getting tattoos, grunting, asking for weight bench spots at the gym, and possessing the inability to read.

Maybe even worse yet is going to a bar to watch a game. Good Lord, it's like every bar is hosting a national fraternity reunion or casting for a new season of VH1's "Tool Academy". There's no problem with cheering, the camaraderie almost makes it worth the money you waste by watching it there instead of at home. But how many times have you seen a guy, usually donning a Steelers or Cowboys jersey, yelling at the referee on TV over a pass interference call? And I mean YELLING like someone just shot his mom. Two minutes later you'll see this same ape doing the loud clap when his team covers a punt well or gets a first down after a close measurement. God forbid that Apey's team loses. Even his already embarrassed ladyfriend can't console him in his great depression. (Also see: Raiders fans, Da Bearsss Super Fans, Cleveland Dawgs, Minnesota fan in full 12th century Norseman Viking gear)

Thanks for ruining my NFL experience. Like I said, this isn't a baseball vs football argument...ah, fuck it. I'll take a World Series over a Super Bowl any day.

TMS Music: The Guilty Razors-Guilty!

August 22, 2009 | Comments (1) | by Adam Blank

As far as I've pieced together, The Guilty Razors are a bunch of Spaniards who lived in France and formed a punk bad that sang lyrics in English sometime in the late 70's. There aren't too many available "facts" about this band, but what I didn't manage to find is pretty fucking interesting.

What I can tell you for sure is that sometime in the 1979, The Guilty Razors released a 3 song 7" single on Polydor Records. It didn't sell too many copies, and the unsold vinyl was melted down, thus making the few surviving copies extremely rare. Regardless of the marketability of their music, The Guilty Razors managed to come up with the best image for a t-shirt in the entire history of music.

After falling off the musical map, The Guilty Razors got a lucky break and had a single appear on the important punk rock compilation series Killed By Death #7. That was the last anyone had heard from this band until recently, when a compilation popped up on iTunes.

The longest song on the compilation "Guilty!" clocks in at 3 minutes and 19 seconds. It should be noted that "Guilty" appears to be a compilation of everything the band ever recorded. Some songs are obviously live and very, very raw. Some songs are obviously studio tracks. Whatever. The majority of the songs are pretty fucking awesome, and since the songs are all in English, you don't need to be trilingual to figure that out.

The sound of The Guilty Razors isn't exactly unique. Sometimes they sound like The Damned. Sometimes they sound like The Undertones. Sometimes they sound like bad Clash b-sides. But that isn't to say that The Guilty Razors are some derivative band that doesn't warrant further listening. On the contrary, they seem to run with their borrowed riffs into a head-on collision of immigrant middle-class angst; thus producing something completely unique in the pantheon of punk rock. Notice I said "unique" and not "different." If you expect to hear a style of punk you've never heard before, then you're out of luck. But if you're looking for a good early punk band that somehow flew under the radar, you should give these Spaniards a chance.

There isn't a cohesive running theme throughout this compilation, but it's obvious from the comprehensible lyrics that these guys are decidedly working class. Songs revolve around alcohol abuse("Wake Up, find a drink,"), mindless sex ("Happy"), and class warfare ("Don' Want To be A Rich."). Both the lyrics and the themes sound British; mostly due to their slurring of words and chorus-filled refrains than anything else.

From what I've discovered, the singer Tristan went on to have a solo career with the French hit ”Je suis de bonne humeur ce matin” and the remaining band members formed the group "Bandolero."

Because Jesus loves you, you can buy this compilation for $9.99 on iTunes. Rather than take my infallible word on his amazing band, you can preview snippets of their songs and see what you've been missing for yourself.

Cubs of Yore Battle Royale: The Final Battle

August 21, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan

Well here it is. The final battle of the 2009 CoYBR. Seems like yesterday we were just starting the first round, am I right?*

For our final match we have the number one seed out of the Jose Cardenal Region, Keith Moreland. He'll be battling the sixth seed out of the Ivan DeJesus Region, Glenallen Hill.

Both challengers were brilliantly spotlighted earlier today by The Hundley. Now it's time to get down to business.

Over in the sidebar to your right you'll find a poll for the final match. Vote early and vote often.**

Polls will close on August 26th. The results will remain hidden until then.

To recap, I've updated the full bracket to show how the tournament has progressed up to now. Click on the bracket below to see an enlarged version that is actually legible.

*I looked back and was horrified to see I started this whole thing back in April. I apologize. This should have never been dragged out so long. Expect the 2010 COYBR to run much smoother.

**Actually don't vote often. Just vote once. Don't be that asshole ballot stuffing an online poll. Clearly your time could be better spent trolling blogs and typing "FIRST!" in the comments. But DO spread the word to your friends and get them to vote.

Cubs of Yore: Double Dipping to the Finals

August 21, 2009 | Comments (0) | by The Hundley

Hi-ya, sportsfans! You haven't forgotten about the Cubs of Yore Battle Royale, have you? We're down to two finalists: Glenallen Hill and Keith Moreland. Oh the suspense is terrible, I hope it will last! It's Friday, so if you're even at work, now would be a good time to crack open a slightly chilled bottle of Grain Belt beer and switch your office phone to "away". Read through this a few times and then wonder why they call them roofies and not "floories" or "rape-ees". If your boss questions you, simply tell him or her, "Um, I'm kind of busy here."

I'm sure Chip Wesley will put up one of his bright and shiny web polls so you can cast your vote. THIS TIME IT COUNTS.


Nickname: The Angry Black Man, G-Hill

Played for The Cub: '93-'94, '98-'00

Random Write-up: Let's face it, The Angry Black Man was fun to watch. He never smiled. He'd only swing a bat with his arms. He said he never lifted weights because he would get too big -- he only did situps and jumped rope with a weighted rope. Rumors that his "jump ropes" were actually tugboat cables have never been proven. (It also has never been disproven). The guy wasn't exactly known for his defense out in left. It was once said by Mariner pitching coach Bryan Price that seeing him play the field was “akin to watching a gaffed haddock surface for air." Mysteriously, Bryan Price was never heard from again, and along with the Lindbergh Baby, his disappearance remains one of the great unsolved mysteries. The Angry Black Man giveth, and he taketh away.

Drafted by the Blue Jays in the 9th round of the 1983 Draft, G-Hill was always known for his prodigious home runs. In 1999, he was reluctantly wearing blue shoes after MLB told him that he could not continue wearing his favorite red shoes. Angrier than normal, he took his typical arms-only swing, and became the first ever person to put a shot on the rooftops across the street from Wrigley. In typical fashion, his expression never changed, and he circled the bases with his head down and his arthritic knees hobbling along. Truly a shot that has made grown men weep. Yeah, you know you want to see it again.

What the hell?: Once missed a game for a mess of cuts and bruises suffered during a nightmare. The Big G is reportedly TERRIFIED of spiders (arachnophobia). Consequently, he had a nightmare about spiders, freaked out, and ran around like only The Angry Black Man can. While most people's careers or lives would have ended, Angry took a trip on the 15-day DL. No one had the guts to make fun of him, natch. Reportedly broke his bat on a check swing despite no contact of the ball. He was also arguing balls and strikes with an ump one time (he choose not to rip his spinal column out) and the ump told the pitcher to throw anyway. G stepped back in at the last second and inside-outted a double to right.

Also of Note: Career (estimated) earnings of $11,245,000 -- he is currently a coach for the Colorado Rockies. Was originally traded to The Cub for Candy "Ass" Maldonado.


Nickname: Zonk

Played for The Cub: 1982 - 1987

Random Write-up: Keith patrolling the outfield or third base wasn't exactly poetry in motion. In fact, his awkwardness and unusually slow speed lead me to believe he was actually fat. After looking back at some pictures, I realized I was wrong. I guess that's one of those things you just associate when you're but a little kid, seeing Moreland bumbling around the field or the basepaths. You can't knock him for effort, though. The guy played when and where he was asked, whether it be catcher, third, or left field. Probably the lasting impression many have of him is his love for Texas. He went to The University of Texas and always saluted the Bleacher Bums with the hook-'em-horns gesture. I also vaguely remember him hitting a homerun and trying to do a cartwheel after he crossed home. It looked like someone threw a sack of potatoes off the back of a work truck. Real graceful.

What the Hell?: He won a World Series ring with his original team, the Phillies. He was one of the many that Dallas Green brought over during the rebuilding phase of the early 80's which was actually somewhat successful. He was traded to the Cub for Mike Krukow and cash. In 1985, he hit .307 and had 106 RBI.

Also of Note: Career (estimated) earnings of $5.4 million. Not bad for a klutz, eh? Currently is involved in UT baseball, announcing games from the booth. Rumored to be doing some work for ESPNU. Also played football at UT, which probably explains the lumbering. I'm guessing fullback or blocking tight end. As many of you know, this year Keith has been filling in for Santo on radio broadcasts, and has proven to be a great color man. He actually gives the listeners game analysis instead of the "Oh yes!" and "Dang it!" and "Jeez!" that we've been accustomed to.

Reduced Sugar Cereals & Why The Future Is Bleak

August 20, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Adam Blank

Because I don't have a job or any friends social obligations, I was awake all night with nothing to fill the void except internet pornography and late night television. During one of my porn breaks, I put on ESPN to catch one of the never-ending reruns of Sports Center.

During the broadcast, they aired a commercial for the Little League World Series, sponsored by Kellogg's Reduced Sugar Frosted Flakes.

Reduced Sugar Frosted Flakes? That's appalling. After a little research, I discovered that this shit has 33% less sugar that the hard stuff. Maybe I'm overreacting, but Frosted Flakes with 33% less sugar is like sex with 33% less orgasm.

Back in my day, you either ate the sugary stuff or you ate Kix. It saddens me that we can't even keep the glorious American tradition of overly-sweetened breakfast cereals alive for future generations. This got me to thinking about some other things that have been ruined for kids growing up today...

Video Games
Christ, these things are complicated now! Every new video game forces the player to endure a ridiculously long tutorial level, so instead of jumping right in and learning enough strategy to "beat the game" like we used to do, kids spend hours just learning how to move around and navigate increasingly complicated submenus. To further suck the enjoyment out of contemporary games, nearly every game has a corresponding $25 guide book. Sure, back in the day we had secret codes for extra lives or passwords to get to the end quickly (I still recall the code to go directly to Mike Tyson in Punch Out more readily than my own social security number), but we surely didn't need a 200 page strategy guide to get through Zelda. It could easily be argued that these $60 games and $300 systems aren't made for kids at all, but that just further illustrates my point.

I had a huge collection of Star Wars and G.I. Joe toys when I was a kid. I beat the hell out of them; often having to reattach limbs with superglue or, in the case of G.I. Joe, use a regular rubber band to reattach the legs to the torso. It turns out that, in mint condition, my childhood toys would be worth a small fortune. That's because back in my day everybody played with their toys, so the ones in the package or with all their weapons were scarce. Nowadays, it seems like most action figures are made with the emphasis on their potential as collectibles with "chaser" figures and comic convention exclusives. Of course, these toys aren't for kids; they're for people in their 20's & 30's who won't grow up. Don't believe me? Go to a toy store and look around. You'll see Star Wars, G.I. Joes, Transformers, Ninja Turtles, and themed Legos for movie franchises that began in the 70's and 80's. Nearly everything is a throwback to our own childhood, so today's kids aren't even going to have anything unique to commiserate about when they become jaded later in life. You could say that we've forced today's kids to suckle on our cultural teats. Of course, some toys that do that aren't merely metaphors.

I know it's probably wrong to encourage children to smoke, but with the price of a pack of cigarettes nearing $9 in some metropolitan areas, kids can't afford to smoke even if they wanted to. That may seem like a good thing, but with their reduced sugar cereals, lack of unique pop culture icons and no nicotine, kids today are destined to become the biggest bunch of pussies in the history of mankind. And you know what that means? Their music is going to be atrocious.

Koyie Hill Appreciation Society: 41 Hits & Counting

August 20, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Arcturus

The Bearded One has racked up nine more hits since the last KHAS post, so I'll pull nine more boxes off of the picture. Maybe it's my imagination, but the return of Geovany's bong to the lineup seems to have lit a fire under Mr. Hill. His average is only .225, but he's hit .270 over the last month, at least according to Yahoo Fantasy Baseball. Koyie rapped a solid single to score the surging Jeff Baker last night against the Padres. With Geo still struggling, Lou has decided to split time between Soto and Hill.

Koyie Hill Fast Fact:

The day Koyie Hill was born, he disappeared from the hospital. He was found several hours later, catching in a Little League doubleheader.

Send your Koyie Hill Fast Facts to:

TMS Roundtable: Ghostbusters.

August 20, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Wolter

Despite what Chaim says, bustin' makes ME feel good.Or, THIS Is What We Do When We’re Not Writing Blog Posts

I'm actually so furious with the last couple of weeks of Cubdom that I can't think straight about the Cubs. When I learned that AAron Miles' OPS+ is like 20, I had to lay down for a minute. When I learned that even Neifi Perez in 2006 had an OPS+ of 53 I almost punched a hole in the Space-Time continuum to kill Jim Hendry before he was born.

So, I'm having trouble writing about baseball.

Instead, I thought I’d give another, much more lucid account of what goes on when TMS bartenders hang out in the break room (Per TMS Head Bartender Chip Wesley: “Well it's not Cubs-related so I don't see why it wouldn't be suitable for TMS”)

You may or may not know this, but the TMS staff is in constant communication via the miracle of email. That’s how we decide whether or not to endorse players like Randy Wells, or excoriate players like Miles. What follows is a transcript of that conversation, cleaned up ever so slightly (I apologize for the length, but you can always skip the boring comments, just like I do in a real email thread).

To set the scene: a couple of weeks ago, Chaim Witz came out with a shocking statement…

Chaim Witz:
I'll probably catch hell for this, but after watching it last night for the first time in years....while it was by no means terrible, and would certainly qualify as 'mildly amusing', I gotta say:

Overrated: Ghostbusters

Chaim, you couldn't be more wrong on the wrongingest day of your life with an electrified wronging machine.

Lingering Bursitis:
"Pompous PR flack slanders Ghostbusters unprompted; loses cushy job and all credibility regarding movies"

Chaim: Gotta disagree with you on that one, although to be fair, Wolter and I probably got to experience the movie at a much younger age. Ghostbusters is one of the first movies I remember seeing in the theater.

Chaim Witz:
Defend it for me then. Sure, it's a nice piece of nostalgia, but unlike a movie like Back to the Future, it doesn't hold up to me. The plot is threadbare, even for what it is, it's only intermittently funny (courtesy mostly of Bill Murray) and the special effects are atrocious unless you view them in an 'awww, isn't that cute' way.


Have you guys seen it recently though? Just because it was good when you were a kid doesn't mean it's still good today. There are a lot of 80's movies that are that way.

The only time I LOL'ed was the 'dickless' joke.


Note, I didn't say it was "bad", just overrated. No way is that one of the best movies of the 80's. Dan Akroyd? Just not funny, sorry. Neither is Harold Ramis. If not for Murray (and sadly, Rick Moranis), that movie would be as forgettable as most of my posts.

Brant Brown:
"PR lackey shocked by firing; maintains that 'I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell' is better than 'Ghostbusters'"

The Hundley:
Chaim is guilty of "Pulling a [INSIDE JOKE WITH THE POTENTIAL FOR A LIBEL CHARGE EXCISED]" here. I disregard it all.

Brant Brown:
I have a strong feeling that I would agree with Chaim on Ghostbusters, so I intend to keep it locked away in my memories. I do always remember thinking that the marshmallow man was out of place, even when I was young.

I watch Ghostbusters on a surprisingly regular basis, Chaim. I love it oh-so-very-much.

I've seen it many times, Chaim, most recently about a month ago, and I still enjoy it immensely. I'm not going to say it's the greatest movie of all time, but I think it’s held up pretty well, special effects aside. Those were good for their time and are now outdated, although I find they have a kind of charm.

I think many of us have gotten spoiled by CGI, but GB has action sequences I can follow without giving myself a headache. I watched the first Transformers movie and everything moves so fucking fast I have problems telling who's fighting who and who's doing what. In GB, when they're shooting the streams at the ghosts, I can actually tell what the hell is going on. I kinda like that.

You're certainly entitled to your opinion, but I love the movie. Bill Murray is the best part of it, but the way the rest of the cast interacts is pretty solid.

I love Aykroyd's pseudoscience. Also, the Moranis Lewis Tuttle party sequence was largely ad-libbed, which is massively impressive.

Ernie Hudson has probably the most under-appreciated role in that movie. I fucking love Winston.

I think Ghostbusters is probably the movie (outside of maybe the original Star Wars trilogy) that I have quoted the most in my life. It's my Casablanca.


Or, I should say "my Caddyshack?"

Former Bartender Jordi Scrubbings:
I'll admit Ghostbusters is a different movie from a kid to an adult, especially after you experience college. As a kid you are amazed at the idea of catching ghosts and the photon pack, etc. As an adult you get more into the relationships - the Ghostbusters with the college (awkward and forced at best), Peter with Dana (completely unprofessional), and the Ghostbusters with the city. Keep in mind, too, that it followed Caddyshack and was a reunion of some of Second City's greatest alumni. Why it is based in NY and not Chicago is beyond me - maybe as a response to Blues Brothers?

Although random, what I am trying to say is that I still like Ghostbusters. It’s just for different reasons.

The Hundley:
Yeah, after I got to college I said, "That's it; I'm done trying to catch ghosts".

The Hundley just made me laugh out loud. Hard. A coworker just peeked in.

One thing I never noticed as a kid that I do as an adult: everyone smokes like a fucking chimney in that movie.


The reason it's probably not a huge ode to Chicago is that Aykroyd (the main force behind its original creation) was from the Toronto Second City, where Ramis had also done a lot of work. The Firehouse base is based on the Toronto Second City's location, and that scene was very much homage to the early days there.

White Chili:
I still can't wrap my head around Belushi playing the part of Peter.

What about John Candy in the Moranis role? If it weren't for Splash conflicting, it would have happened.

Chaim, you have inadvertently strengthened my resolve to watch Ghostbusters again, post-haste.

Hey, Arcturus. Here's some Ernie Hudson love: a remixed trailer with him as the star of a much darker supernatural thriller:

Jordi Scrubbings:
Interesting for gb1, but I could not see Annie Potts being turned on by a geeky John Candy in gb2. No way.

Actually Candy and Sigourney Weaver is kinda unbelievable as well.

Murray was perfect for Venkman. I have a hard time seeing Belushi in the part. He's sleazy enough, sure, but Murray makes the part. Dana says he's like a game show host. Murray really makes that aspect of the character shine through.

Loved the Ernie Hudson vid, Wolter. He's one of the best parts of that movie for me, despite the fact that he really has very little to do.

Ghostbusters II is utterly horrible, though. I did just recently watch that on TV the other day and it's godawful.

Ghostbusters II is terrible.

[We talk about other Bill Murray vehicles for a while. But SOMEONE can't let this go.]

Chaim Witz:
Back to Ghostbusters for a sec: Ernie Hudson is under -appreciated? That's because he doesn't come until halfway through the movie, has nothing to do and has maybe 10 lines the whole movie. They might has well have just called him, 'black guy that smokes'.

Wolter, you're right about the smoking. Just chain smoking throughout.

No small roles, Chaim.

Chaim Witz:
Another thing you don't notice as a kid is how basically everything is superficial and they don't even make an attempt to explain anything, save for a few lines of mumbo jumbo spouted off by Aykroyd.

Not that I wanted the movie bogged down with a lot of unnecessary exposition that sucks the fun out of it, but you do notice how they go from Point A to B to C rather quickly, while skipping over how they got to each point.

Trivial qualms I suppose. It was still fun, just not nearly as good as I had hoped it to be.

Man, if they actually tried to explain the Ghost Science, I suspect I would love that movie significantly less.

White Chili:
It's easier to explain using Twinkie logic.

There is a ton of smoking in the movie.

And who needs scientific explanations for all the crazy shit they do? I don't want it to be like Star Trek, where you've got every nerd under the sun debating on whether or not warp drive is possible.

Egon says, "Hey, there's a good chance we could capture and hold a ghost indefinitely." They have a big red box they put the ghosts in, which works until the EPA shuts off the power. That works pretty good for me because it's basically a comedy and it doesn't really matter how any of it works.

And the Twinkie explanation is fucking brilliant.

Chaim Witz:
Ok, scientific explanations wasn't what I meant. I guess I'm just a sucker for a "plot". We'll just have to agree to disagree. There are a lot of movies I like that I can't really explain why as well.

White Chili:
You're claiming that Ghostbusters suffers because it's not realistic? Really?

Next you're going to say that Chain Reaction was bad.

It's all right, Chaim. My wife isn't real big on Ghostbusters either. It's one of those movies that I can't seem to help watching if it happens to be on TV. She'll roll her eyes in disgust and just shake her head. I get that a lot.

Chaim Witz:
That's ok. The Burbs is one of my Top 5 movies ever, and I can in no way defend it or even explain why I like it so much. I just do, dammit.

[With that, the talk gradually subsides to other, even less interesting topics, interspersed with randomly inserted barbs about Ghostbusters from Chaim…who is still horribly, horribly wrong.]

Imagine if we harnessed all that time wasting ability for good, instead of evil.

P.S. - Only 30 pages further into Mason & Dixon. Damn you Pynchon.

TMS 2009 Fantasy Football Player Rankings: IDP Edition

August 19, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan

For some of you, just having team defense doesn't satisfy you. For those that prefer to play with individual defensive players (IDP) here are some cheat sheets for your needs.

You can check out my rankings for QB, RB, WR, TE, K, and DEF/ST here.


1. Jared Allen, MIN
Darryl Tapp, SEA
2. Julius Peppers, CAR
Dwight Freeney, IND
3. Mario Williams, HOU
Gaines Adams, TB
4. Justin Tuck, NYG
Alex Brown, CHI
5. Trent Cole, PHI
Dewayne White, DET
6. Robert Mathis, IND
Chris Long, STL
7. John Abraham, ATL
Albert Haynesworth, WAS
8. Terrell Suggs, BAL
Darnell Dockett, ARI
9. Adewale Ogunleye, CHI
Ray Edwards, MIN
10. Aaron Schobel, BUF
Aaron Kampman, GB
11. Justin Smith, SF
Tamba Hali, KC
12. Kyle Vanden Bosch, TEN
Mathias Kiwanuka, NYG
13. Patrick Kerney, SEA
Will Smith, NO
14. Osi Umenyiora, NYG
Kevin Williams, MIN
15. Shaun Rogers, CLE
Andre Carter, WAS

On the edge of the radar: Cliff Avril DET, Shaun Ellis NYJ, Charles Grant NO, Derrick Harvey JAC, Cullen Jenkins GB, Brian Orakpo WAS


1. Patrick Willis, SF
Nick Barnett, GB
2. Jon Beason, CAR
Ernie Sims, DET
3. James Harrison, PIT
James Laurinaitis, STL
4. Lance Briggs, CHI
Thomas Davis, CAR
5. Kirk Morrison, OAK
Bradie James, DAL
6. Barrett Ruud, TB
A.J. Hawk, GB
7. Jonathan Vilma, NO
Channing Crowder, MIA
8. Karlos Dansby, ARI
Lawrence Timmons, PIT
9. DeMarcus Ware, DAL
Bart Scott, NYJ
10. D.J. Williams, DEN
David Harris, NYJ
11. DeMeco Ryans, HOU
Shawne Merriman, SD
12. D'Qwell Jackson, CLE
Adalius Thomas, NE
13. E.J. Henderson, MIN
Justin Durant, JAC
14. London Fletcher, WAS
Julian Peterson, DET
15. Jerod Mayo, NE
Thomas Howard, OAK
16. Ray Lewis, BAL
Will Witherspoon, STL
17. Gary Brackett, IND
Keith Rivers, CIN
18. Brian Urlacher, CHI
LaMarr Woodley, PIT
19. Chad Greenway, MIN
Antonio Pierce, NYG
20. Curtis Lofton, ATL
Keith Bulluck, TEN
21. Paul Posluszny, BUF
Aaron Curry, SEA
22. James Farrior, PIT
Gerald Hayes, ARI
23. Lofa Tatupu, SEA
Leroy Hill, SEA
24. Stephen Cooper, SD
Clint Session, IND
25. Derrick Johnson, KC
Stewart Bradley, PHI

On the edge of the radar: Dhani Jones CIN, Brian Cushing HOU, Zach Diles HOU, Calvin Pace NYJ, Rey Maualuga CIN, Michael Boley NYG, Takeo Spikes SF, Pisa Tinoisamoa CHI, Freddie Keiaho IND, Boss Bailey DEN


1. Eric Weddle, SD
Chris Gamble, CAR
2. Oshiomogho Atogwe, STL
Champ Bailey, DEN
3. Gibril Wilson, MIA
Kevin Payne, CHI
4. Antoine Winfield, MIN
Quintin Mikell, PHI
5. Adrian Wilson, ARI
Erik Coleman, ATL
6. Bernard Pollard, KC
Nick Collins, GB
7. Charles Tillman, CHI
Chris Horton, WAS
8. Yeremiah Bell, MIA
Cortland Finnegan, TEN
9. Cedric Griffin, MIN
Antrel Rolle, ARI
10. Michael Lewis, SF
Atari Bigby, GB
11. Richard Marshall, CAR
Kenny Phillips, NYG
12. Brandon Meriweather, NE
Ed Reed, BAL
13. Troy Polamalu, PIT
Chris Hope, TEN
14. Kerry Rhodes, NYJ
DeAngelo Hall, WAS
15. Roman Harper, NO
Michael Griffin, TEN

On the edge of the radar: Brian Dawkins DEN, Charles Woodson GB, Jarrad Page KC, Bob Sanders IND, Leon Hall CIN, Nick Harper TEN, Terrence McGee BUF