The Expendables vs. Machete: Greatest Movie Ever Made

August 07, 2009 | Comments (0) | by White Chili

Lawrence of Arabia. The Godfather. Gone With the Wind. Casablanca. These are movies that are universally regarded as masterpieces. Best of the best. Until now...

There are two movies that are coming out next year that will forever change the face of the cinematic horizon: The Expendables and Machete. Each one reads like you gave me millions of dollars and told me to do whatever I wanted with it. I’m going to break down each one and let you decide which movie will be most likely to cause me to give birth to a muscled forearm covered in hair exactly nine months after I see it in the theater.

The Expendables

Plot Summary: A team of mercenaries head to South America on a mission to overthrow a dictator. (obviously)

Main Cast: Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Eric Roberts, Randy Couture, Steve Austin, Giselle ItiƩ, Mickey Rourke, Brittany Murphy, Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger

HOLY SHIT! (fans face with hands) I’m setting the +/- on number of brown people killed in this movie at 1000. I mean, Arnold pretty much took care of 400 single-handedly in Commando. Did I mention that Sly also wrote and directed this thing? Dolph Lundgren, ladies and gentlemen! I thought we had seen the last of The Siberian Express. Willis and Schwarzenegger are pretty much throw-in characters, from what I understand. That alone says how awesome this movie will be. Never mind the fact that a SITTING GOVERNOR is staring in this film. What are the odds Jason Statham is even seen with a shirt, let alone wearing one? I suppose he’ll want to avoid any plot holes and simply use his shirt to kill a few dozen infantry. That’s the showmanship I expect from a production like this. Oh, and Ravi Shankar is listed in the cast as well. Why the fuck not? I would advise against pregnant women and the elderly even ordering tickets for this movie.


Plot Summary: After being betrayed by the organization who hired him, an ex-Federale launches a brutal rampage of revenge against his former boss.

Main Cast: Danny Trejo, Lindsay Lohan, Jessica Alba, Michelle Rodriguez, Don Johnson, Cheech Marin, Robert DeNiro, Steven Segal

This movie is basically an expansion on the fake trailer that was made specifically for the movie Grindhouse. (Caution: some NSFW footage at about the 1:40 mark, tee hee hee). I'd say it pretty much speaks for itself. And when it speaks it doesn't care that you got the part you wanted in the school play. Why can't you be like the other boys? Now cut the grass and get dad a fresh beer.

Right off the bat you'll see that this movie doesn't have the same weight behind the cast, as does The Expendables. I respect that. But you know who doesn't? Danny Trejo, that's who. He basically plays the same character in this movie that he played in Desperado. If you don't know what I'm talking about then you probably shouldn't even be reading this in the first place. Cheech Marin is a shotgun-wielding priest who helps Trejo regulate some vengeance despite having taken a "vow of peace". Bobby DeNiro even has a small role in here as the senator that Trejo is suppose to gun down, and Steven Segal (!!!) makes an appearance as a drug lord. Maybe the casting isn't so weak after all. And let us not forget the ladies. According to Wikipedia, Michelle Rodriguez plays Trejo's assistant / taco maker. Alright. Lindsay Lohan and Jessica Alba should round out the cast nicely (see what I did there?).

So that's it. Two movies that will have more testosterone than Jason Giambi's gym bag. I leave the decision to you.

**Grabs an infant and crashes through a window on a motorcycle, laughing and shooting into the air**