Reduced Sugar Cereals & Why The Future Is Bleak

August 20, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Adam Blank

Because I don't have a job or any friends social obligations, I was awake all night with nothing to fill the void except internet pornography and late night television. During one of my porn breaks, I put on ESPN to catch one of the never-ending reruns of Sports Center.

During the broadcast, they aired a commercial for the Little League World Series, sponsored by Kellogg's Reduced Sugar Frosted Flakes.

Reduced Sugar Frosted Flakes? That's appalling. After a little research, I discovered that this shit has 33% less sugar that the hard stuff. Maybe I'm overreacting, but Frosted Flakes with 33% less sugar is like sex with 33% less orgasm.

Back in my day, you either ate the sugary stuff or you ate Kix. It saddens me that we can't even keep the glorious American tradition of overly-sweetened breakfast cereals alive for future generations. This got me to thinking about some other things that have been ruined for kids growing up today...

Video Games
Christ, these things are complicated now! Every new video game forces the player to endure a ridiculously long tutorial level, so instead of jumping right in and learning enough strategy to "beat the game" like we used to do, kids spend hours just learning how to move around and navigate increasingly complicated submenus. To further suck the enjoyment out of contemporary games, nearly every game has a corresponding $25 guide book. Sure, back in the day we had secret codes for extra lives or passwords to get to the end quickly (I still recall the code to go directly to Mike Tyson in Punch Out more readily than my own social security number), but we surely didn't need a 200 page strategy guide to get through Zelda. It could easily be argued that these $60 games and $300 systems aren't made for kids at all, but that just further illustrates my point.

I had a huge collection of Star Wars and G.I. Joe toys when I was a kid. I beat the hell out of them; often having to reattach limbs with superglue or, in the case of G.I. Joe, use a regular rubber band to reattach the legs to the torso. It turns out that, in mint condition, my childhood toys would be worth a small fortune. That's because back in my day everybody played with their toys, so the ones in the package or with all their weapons were scarce. Nowadays, it seems like most action figures are made with the emphasis on their potential as collectibles with "chaser" figures and comic convention exclusives. Of course, these toys aren't for kids; they're for people in their 20's & 30's who won't grow up. Don't believe me? Go to a toy store and look around. You'll see Star Wars, G.I. Joes, Transformers, Ninja Turtles, and themed Legos for movie franchises that began in the 70's and 80's. Nearly everything is a throwback to our own childhood, so today's kids aren't even going to have anything unique to commiserate about when they become jaded later in life. You could say that we've forced today's kids to suckle on our cultural teats. Of course, some toys that do that aren't merely metaphors.

I know it's probably wrong to encourage children to smoke, but with the price of a pack of cigarettes nearing $9 in some metropolitan areas, kids can't afford to smoke even if they wanted to. That may seem like a good thing, but with their reduced sugar cereals, lack of unique pop culture icons and no nicotine, kids today are destined to become the biggest bunch of pussies in the history of mankind. And you know what that means? Their music is going to be atrocious.