Distributed by: J. Harrison Company, Mira Loma, CA
Type: Blended Whiskey
Receptacle: 500 mL glass bottle (with plastic twist-off cap)
History: 0. There is no history to this swill. I bought this shit at Ralph's. It's the bottom shelf store brand. For all I know, it's being distilled in the back by the stock boys on their breaks. It's disheartening that there isn't some kind of federal law being broken by putting the word "Prestige" on the label. Apparently, the only essential quality of whiskey is that it be brown and full of booze.
General Characteristics: (1 being dog urine rung out of a dirty rag, 10 being platinum diamond encrusted tequila): 3. Won't somebody please give me a job so I won't have to drink this? To quote Ralph Wiggum, it tastes like burning. It does vaguely taste like whiskey, sort of like if pure grain alcohol was infused with cheap whiskey flavoring. Which, as the label hints, might be the case. "20% Straight Whiskey and 80% Grain Neutral Spirits." This is essentially 80% cheap vodka and 20% whiskey. The "flavor" of this beverage reflects that fraction.
Straight from the bottle: 2: Dear Jesus, make it stop hurting. The burn from a shot of Prestige Edition Whiskey isn't the slow, glowing burn in the back of your throat that you get from
Mixibility: ?. To be honest, I didn't bother mixing this with anything because I didn't want to waste any liquid that could possibly wash the nasty taste of Prestige Edition Whiskey out of my mouth.
Intoxication (1 being an Imam on a solemn pilgrimage to Mecca, 10 being Dean Martin on New Year's Eve): 6. It's the standard 40% alcohol (80 proof). It'll eventually fuck you up, but you're going to have to drink more than you want to in order to achieve the desired result.
Affordability ($ being Prestige Whiskey, $$$$ being good whiskey): $. At $5 a bottle, it's no wonder Prestige is the preferred liquor of the homeless. This whiskey is so cheap and so awful that you might want to pour it into an empty bottle of a classier liquor in case you die of alcohol poisoning in the night. Here's a hint: ANYTHING else is classier than this shit. Like the fat chicks with missing teeth that you inevitably leave the bar with at the end of the night when you realize all the hot chicks have departed for the evening, you just hope your friends are too fucked up to notice what you're spending the evening with.
Effect on your ability to function the next day: 4. Thank Christ for small miracles. Like I've said many times, this stuff is hardly real whiskey. Therefore, the real whiskey particles that give you gigantic hangovers are largely absent from Prestige Edition Whiskey. It's more like a Captain Morgan's hangover; which is to say that it sort of feels like a brown liquor hangover without the badge of honor that comes with drinking a truly liver-corrosive alcoholic beverage.