I Can't Drive 25

August 05, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Ginger Russ

Yeah bitch, your steering wheel is on the wrong side of the car for starters.

Hey asshole! Yeah, you trying to turn ONTO the off ramp. Oh, wait you just realized that you were turning into oncoming traffic. Apparently that 18 wheeler barreling down on you triggered some sort-of fight or flight response. Amazingly, you made the right decision.

Only now you're trying desperately trying to get back into the lane from whence you came. Except now the traffic behind you no longer has a red stoplight, so they are coming at you going 50 mph. Look, the guy in front of me coming at you figured it out. Thank God. But now neither of you can figure out where to go from here, so you've both given up. Great. A Mexican standoff. A game of chicken between two stopped cars.

Hey look, while I'm stopped and waiting for both of you, some douchebag in a F-350 with a lift kit is coming up from behind me and is apparently getting a blowjob or something, because he's not slowing down. Apparently he doesn't understand the red lights on the back of my car mean I have the brakes applied. Whew, he finally realizes he is about totally rear end me and locks up hits breaks, coming about 6 inches from monster truck driving over my Honda Civic.

Thank God! It looks like doucebag A and douchebag B have decided that they want to join the rest of us on the road and actually drive our cars. I pull up behind and next to said douchebags at the next stoplight. Hey, OLD DUDES, are you okay? Cause it looks like Jesus took your souls back in 1982. Seriously, are those sunglasses, or just a black sheet of construction paper designed to look like shades. YOU ARE OLD AS FUCK!

I understand living in Arizona, complaining about old people driving is like surfing in shark infested waters with a bleeding foot and not expecting to get eaten, but GET OFF THE ROAD!

When I moved to Arizona a couple years ago I got my new license. It doesn't expire until 2043. No, that's not a typo. I don't have to renew my license in more than 30 years! I will be past retirement age by that time and be one of those old fucks on the road, all driving around willy-nilly without a care or clue as to what's going on around me.

Until then, in order to not die while driving on the highway I have to follow the rules of driving survival in Arizona, because if it's not a 103 year old retiree in a Cadillac, it's a 16 year old sophomore girl, texting her friend and teasing her hair. Did you also know that in Arizona driving school is optional? My girlfriend grew up here and doesn't have a clue about the basic rules of the road. I had to learn to how to drive by taking a driving class in high school, everyday, for an entire semester, in the middle of the winter on unplowed roads. Out here, nothing.

Anyways, the basic rules on how native Arizonians drive on the highway:

  1. The on-ramp is used to achieve a speed of 20 mph before entering a highway of cars going 65 miles an hour, thus making sure to cut off cars and cause backups and accidents while merging.
  2. The left lanes of the highway are used for the slowest cars.
  3. Unlike most states, AZ has no minimum speed limit, so by all means, drive 30 mph if you feel like it, but make sure to use the left hand lanes.
  4. If you need to change lanes, just do it. Don't worry about checking your mirrors or blind spot. Just make sure not to use your turn signal, or if you do, make sure to use the wrong one.
  5. If you are going to stay in your lane, make sure to have your turn signal on. Nothing says I'm paying attention like driving for 15 miles with your right turn signal on.
  6. Those lane lines: just suggestions.
  7. Make sure to come to a complete stop for anything on the side of the road with flashing lights. Not just accidents, but regular traffic stops. You never know what you might see, and it's not like people are trying to go anywhere.
  8. Talking on the phone or texting is a must. And none of that Bluetooth shit.
  9. If you need to leave the highway, make sure to wait until the very last moment, and then cut across 3 lanes of traffic to get to the off ramp. Remember to of course ignore your mirrors, blind spot and turn signal.
  10. If it for some crazy reason rains, the new speed limit is now 30 mph. But seriously, feel free to drive 15 mph if you feel safer. I mean, it's just a highway.

So there you have it. If you plan on coming out to visit for Spring Training next year, be sure to remember these rules to avoid the inevitable accident of being someone who actually knows how to drive.

Go Cubs!