12:00 PM | Comments (0) | by Zachary Kenitzer
This week the kiddo's started to hop on their school busses, and the college kids (like myself) are just trying to enjoy the last few weeks before school starts by drinking heavily, making mistakes and causing mayhem. We are also not working at our summer jobs / slavery or internships / indentured servitude.
But because school is starting school, this means football season is also just around the corner. Since the Cubs are blessed by the curse of mediocrity this year, I'm am oddly looking forward to what could be an even more dismal football season than last years...
But with that aside starting back at school excites me, and not because of the classes (because I have a class Saturday morning... why am I doing this to myself?) but because you have something to do during the day that isn't terribly boring or worthless, you can always use the excuse "Well at least I'm learning something." even if its just the new rules for Beer-Pong, Boom, Wine Spins or Louisville Chugger. And if you throw up on someones rug (freshman, I'm pointing to you) you can use the excuse that you're a college kid and then adults in the real world just laugh it off and call you stupid instead of isolating you like you have swine flu.
College also provides time to play a shit ton of video games that no one else (except LANWar Dorks) have time or desire to play. You're even able to expierement with N64, Sega Genesis or NES. When you're not playing these games you have time to watch all sorts of day-time TV and you don't ever miss The Price is Right (it just happens to be druing your Bio class, but hell you can just read the book and take the test). You also can't forget Judge *insert name here* and Cops.
For dinner you have a hearty helping of Ramen (if you don't steal a freshmans meal card) Then at night you put on your nicest bar shoes that are so dirty they should be a HAZMAT situation and then to your local dive bar. There you find underaged kids trying to memorize and study the info on their fake ID so that when they're interrogated they'll spew it back out just to get some beer (which is the only important studying of the day) and you will also see the occaisonal cougar. Later you and your buddies bet your friend (who is the batshit craziest guy you know) that he won't hit on her. Inevitbaly your friend does hit on her, they make out and he goes home with her, hammered drunk, and texts you the next morning "I fuckin hate you, you owe me $20"
You stumble out of the bar at roughly 4:00 am because they kick you out, stop at the 24 hour McDonalds and grab some greasy food and then go "Oh shit I have a test in the morning" which you haven't studied for. You wake up at 9:00 and cram for an hour before your 10:00 American History exam and completely guess on every question. Later you go back to your apartment, pass out and miss the rest of your classes until your friend calls to get his $20.
So to end this primer for incoming freshmen, I want your meal card and you already owe me beer. I'll buy some for you but there is a 30-pack buyers fee that I take prior to you getting your beer, and if it happens you don't give me enough, tough shit, I get my beer first. Like Captain Ron said it best: "You want a beer, get your own god damn beer." Also, you don't know how to park your car, so don't even pretend you know how to get around town in your car that mommy bought you.
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