Wow, I feel like my brain is about as empty of ideas as Adam's bottle of Prestige Edition Whiskey (nice legs Adam!). Actually, I have plenty of ideas, but not being blessed with the talent of writing (or spelling apparently, yes Chip, I do what spell check is: Eye halve a spelling chequer) all my ideas turn to baby poop when they feed out of my mind, through my fingers and onto my computer screen.
First I thought, hey, Jim Belushi isn't that bad. Maybe I will do an In Defense Of: Jim Belushi post. All I could come up was that he is Albanian. Then I decided, I'm a ginger and there hasn't been a Realm of Red post for a while, maybe I'll do a post about Bobby Flay. But after writing 3 paragraphs I decided nothing could compare to Chaim's Ronald McDonald posts.
And so I will just go off on today, specifically what happened on this date, August 17th. Thank you, Wikipedia.
1807 – Robert Fulton's first American steamboat leaves New York City for Albany, New York on the Hudson River, inaugurating the first commercial steamboat service in the world.
Fuck you steamboats, making commerce all easy and shit. In my day we had to carry our goods to where they were going, barefoot and uphill, both ways. Now look steamboats. All worn out like Jessica Alba's pussy. What are they good for? Gambling boats? Okay, I take everything I just said back.
1907 – Pike Place Market, the longest continuously-running public farmers market in the US, opened in Seattle.
If you've ever had to be part of a company-mandated FISH! program, you understand why I want to fire bomb the Pike Place Market. If not, congrats, you're bosses aren't mindless whores selling out to every "company building" program out there. Besides this, it's a stupid tourist destination. Someone please write the Overrated: Throwing Fish post.
1945 – Indonesian Declaration of Independence.
It wasn't until 2005 that the Netherlands decided to approve your declaration. If you weren't drinking rum and hanging out on the beach all the time it might have been got it done quicker. But you didn't care, you lazy bastard country.
1953 – First meeting of Narcotics Anonymous in Southern California.
Drugs are bad, m'kay! Anti-drug program are worse. Just look at D.A.R.E. or watch Intervention on A&E.
1969 – Category 5 Hurricane Camille hits the Mississippi coast, killing 248 people and causing $1.5 billion in damage.
Not fuck the hurricane, fuck the people. I know, I'm a heartless bastard. But don't live on a coast that gets hit by hurricanes every year and expect it not to destroy your house. In fact, don't live on a fault line and expect not to get hit by earthquakes. Don't live in a trailer park in the Midwest and expect not to end up like Dorothy. I live in the desert. It's been over 110 degrees for 20 straight days. Do you hear me complaining? NO. Because I know it's hot. I knew that before I moved to AZ. I also know about air conditioning and hydration. Dumbasses.
1979 – Two Soviet Aeroflot jetliners collide in mid-air over Ukraine, killing 156.
In Soviet Russia, plane lands on other planes... in the sky.
1980 – Azaria Chamberlain disappears, likely taken by a dingo, leading to what was then the most publicized trial in Australian history.
And later led to the hilarious Seinfeld line: "Maybe a dingo ate your baby."
1982 – The first Compact Discs (CDs) are released to the public in Germany.
Germany, always current with the new fads.
1998 – Monica Lewinsky scandal: US President Bill Clinton admits in taped testimony that he had an "improper physical relationship" with White House intern Monica Lewinsky. On the same day he admits before the nation that he "misled people" about his relationship.
Actually this is a WIN, except you got blown by some ugly whorebag. You were the GODDAMN PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES! You can have anyone blow you. Look at Kennedy, went after the hottest woman on the planet. Clinton, the loser of More To Love.
2008 – By winning the Men's 4x100m medley relay, Michael Phelps becomes the first Olympian to win eight gold medals in the same Olympics.
Michael Phelps, way to give hard working pot smokers all over the country a bad name. Now how do I explain to Chaim's unborn baby that you can get high and still become President and even the greatest Olympic athlete of all time? At least Bush Jr. lowered the bar for President, but fuck, what is this world coming to when getting stoned doesn't even effect athleticism. OHHHH...that's right, pot is a performance enhancing drug!
And then the birthdays. On this date, these douchebags were born. GFY August 17th.
1786 – Davy Crockett, American frontiersman and soldier (d. 1836)
1943 – Robert De Niro, American actor
1954 – Eric Johnson, American guitarist
1959 – David Koresh, American cult leader (d. 1993)
1960 – Sean Penn, American actor and director
1963 – Jon Gruden, American football coach
1969 – Donnie Wahlberg, American actor and singer (New Kids On The Block)
1984 – Garrett Wolfe, American football player (GO NIU!)
In conclusion, August 17th sucks. No, not because of the numerous reasons I gave you, but because I just stole 5-10 minutes of your life that you can never have back. You should have just smoked a cigarette and not read this post, you would have lost the same amount of time in your life.
Ginger Russ: 1. TMS Readers: 0. The ball is in your court in the comments section.
Update: August 17th is National Head Day! So today is good for something.
From the Official Website:
It all began with a few friends sitting around talking about Valentine's Day. We felt that Valentine's Day, a holiday supposedly for couples, seemed to be focused largely on what the woman wanted. Of course, there is nothing wrong with that--we love women and enjoy treating them well. What we were looking for is a Holiday that was focused on what men want. And what do men want? Flowers? Candy? A fancy dinner? Not so much. Head seemed much more in line with what we want. So we created a holiday where men get what we want--head.
Every National Holiday needs to be celebrated annually, so we needed to pick a date. We decided upon August, as there are no major holidays in this month. One of our fathers' birthday is August 17, and his name is Dick. It seemed appropriate.
And so it was done: August 17 would be National Head Day.
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