SPAM Alert

August 28, 2009 | Comments (0) | by White Chili

I receive, on average, a few hundred emails a day. I have everything set up so that the proper emails end up in their respective folders and I can make some sense out of the madness. I also have my junk email folder set to empty once a week, though I never actually check to see what ends up in there. Lacking any sort of direction today, I took a peek and wow, a kings ransom worth of comedy!

There seem to be three major categories:

Sex (Make your dick huge, last forever in bed, hot girls in your neighborhood that want you)
Cash (Credit cards, Nigeria)
Drugs (Canadian pharmacies, drugs that help you have sex: see above)

There is a certain art to crafting this kind of poetry so when something sticks out, it really has to be a special kind of gold. Here are a few of my favorites:

Learn the Tricks to Being a Player

"Nothing sadder than being the nice guy that always gets left behind..."

Well that's a real kick in the taint. Why wouldn't I want to click on this link? I'm a nice guy. Why shouldn't I be fighting off hordes of women with a sharp stick? There is, however, a warning that these are advanced links so it might be better just to move on to the next link and pick up some experience first.

Make 3-D Girl Wet

3-D is so in right now. Everything from ninja hamsters to Up! to The Final Destination is being shoved in America's face and you'll miss it if you don't have a pair of cereal box red and blues. Unfortunately this ad is a little bit misleading and actually offers a HUGE discount on Cialis and Levitra from Canada. "With our pilule taken waking your friendo will be more like stepping over the threshold!" Sweet.

nightcap. The baby is very comfortable, for I peeped int....

I understand that spam is supposed to try and get you to open the message with a gimmick or in making you feel like the message is from a loved one. Alright, let's see how the baby is.

"one of the finest little boys that the medical man had ever seen all Beyond putting a very excellent client out of humour, Miss Nickleby has harmless, faithful, loving creature but the same in nothing else. the gentleman displayed, the transformation of the ladies was still more".

What? I mean, I realize that I'm already on the FBI's watch list for opening this but that's not even a fucking sentence. At least make an effort. Humour? I blame the Brits for this one.


Now we're in business. "The International Awareness Promotion Department of the BMW Automobile Company wishes to congratulate you on your success as the STAR PRIZE WINNER in this years' BMW Automobile International AwarenessPromotion (IAP) held on Monday 3rd of August, 2009, in Accra Ghana. This makes you the proud owner of a brand new BMW 5 Series, MSport Saloon car and a cash prize of £750,000.00 GBP (Seven Hundred And Fifty Thousand Great British pounds)"

Holy shit, a saloon car? Finally, my time on this site has paid off, in spades. International Awareness Promotion dept. huh? Accra Ghana? That all seems very reputable. I mean, if our President is from there then they wouldn't scam me right? Yes we can!

Power up your love making gun once and forever

Go on...