Release The Meatheads!

The NFL season is nearly upon us. It's impossible not to realize, even if you're not a fan of the game. It gets thrust down our throat like a plot in a Linda Lovelace film. I'm not here to argue about whether football is better than baseball (it's not). Obviously it's a huge enterprise. Fantasy football has to be the unquestioned king in the Fantasy Sports World, Parlay cards are done all over in shady fashion, NFL Ticket on DirecTV is far and away their biggest PPV package, and local bars around the country line their pockets on otherwise slow Sunday afternoons.

The problem with football is the meathead contingency. It goes hand-in-hand with the NFL, and why wouldn't it? More than any other mainstream sport, the NFL is built around and dominated by the Alpha Male. Bigger, faster, and stronger is the name of the game. For as much as the NFL tries to make the game safer with advancement in equipment technology or rules to protect the QBs, many of the TV highlights are dominated by supreme tackles or punishment doled out by O-linemen or running backs (see ESPN's "JACK'D UP!" segment).

But really, why not? That's what we all want to see. We all want to be entertained. That's not the problem for me. For me it's all about the Meathead Mentality. As much as the players can be supreme, Alpha Meatheads (Ray Lewis, anyone? Gilbert Brown's grave digger dance? Brian Urlacher whenever he grunts out a monosyllabic interview?), that doesn't even matter. That's part of the charm. Like I said, we're at The Coliseum to see the gladiators. ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED? No, it's the other aspects that sully the experience.

Don't believe me? Then I guess you've never watched an NFL broadcast, specifically on Fox. As bad as Terry "The Bumpkin" Bradshaw is on the pregame, it's the actual game broadcasts that it becomes laughable. Brian Baldinger, (formerly) Mike Golic, Tony Siragusa, Michael Strahan, Bill Maas, jeepers creepers. Talking is not an option, it's all about yelling whenever you want and jabbering about food. What do these mutants do when they're not on TV? I'm guessing it involves dragging their wife around the house by their hair, cavemanning them, yelling, getting tattoos, grunting, asking for weight bench spots at the gym, and possessing the inability to read.

Maybe even worse yet is going to a bar to watch a game. Good Lord, it's like every bar is hosting a national fraternity reunion or casting for a new season of VH1's "Tool Academy". There's no problem with cheering, the camaraderie almost makes it worth the money you waste by watching it there instead of at home. But how many times have you seen a guy, usually donning a Steelers or Cowboys jersey, yelling at the referee on TV over a pass interference call? And I mean YELLING like someone just shot his mom. Two minutes later you'll see this same ape doing the loud clap when his team covers a punt well or gets a first down after a close measurement. God forbid that Apey's team loses. Even his already embarrassed ladyfriend can't console him in his great depression. (Also see: Raiders fans, Da Bearsss Super Fans, Cleveland Dawgs, Minnesota fan in full 12th century Norseman Viking gear)

Thanks for ruining my NFL experience. Like I said, this isn't a baseball vs football argument...ah, fuck it. I'll take a World Series over a Super Bowl any day.

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