The Bachelor Diet

August 12, 2009 | Comments (0) | by T.R.

With the wife out of town for a week, I've been forced to fend for myself in the kitchen. Normally I'm quite adept at cooking a decent meal, or at least one consisting of a meat, a veg, and a starch. Cooking itself is no more difficult whether or not a female companion is present, but as the work load entirely falls on one person for seven days, laziness takes precedent. Below is my bachelor diet for the week, from last Saturday through this coming Friday. May God help my digestive system.

Saturday: The wife left me with a 30 pack of Coors Light, a choice cut of filet mignon, and five red potatoes. I feel like I'm on Chopped. Facing an uphill battle to start, I opt for a late morning trip to Lowe's to look at blinds for the living room. This chore is rewarded by a visit to one of my many local Indian buffets. I sat alone and they didn't put out fresh rice in a timely manner. Sigh. Saturday night I treated myself to the fillet, along with the potatoes sliced up and fried in olive oil. It was a hearty meal, and coupled with the Cubs on the MLB Network, was very satisfying.

Sunday: I had to venture out and buy "real" groceries in the morning, lest I starve by noon. I won't list the deplorable items that I purchased, but you'll be able to ascertain much of it from the rest of this post. The noon PST Cubs game was greeted with a DiGiorno's supreme pizza. Well, only half of the pizza.

Normally on Sunday's, the wife bakes some kind of treat; cookies, apple crisp, fresh granola, etc. I decided to be domestic and take this task on myself. I found an oatmeal chocolate chip recipe and went to town. I must say, it wasn't that difficult. The end result was a bit fluffy and dry (perhaps I should have used more butter or less oatmeal), but I was quite pleased with my sexual baking prowess. So what did I have for dinner on Sunday? Why, the other half of the frozen pizza of course. Brant Brown 1, Healthy Diet 0.

Monday: My standard lunch is some sort of pita (usually turkey) with Sun Chips and a green apple. This week I chose Black Forest Ham and swiss cheese. Lunch is a planned staple for the week, so we won't dwell any further on it. Dinner was a regular damned adventure though. I've taken a liking to making my own tandoori chicken lately, so I let a chicken breast marinade and then tossed it on the grill. To accompany it? Why, a half bag of Ralphs brand frozen tater tots of course. Nice and crispy tots of course, accompanies with spicy mustard and peppercorn ranch dressing. I am the epitome of health.

Tuesday: I was a bit pressed for time last night and didn't have time to cook two things. I seasoned a New York strip steak and tossed it on the grill. Side dish? Kettle chips. You know what bums me out? They don't seem to make unsalted Kettle chips anymore. I liked the unsalted variety. Reminds me of the old days, when Ma had to use all the salt to keep the meat fresh. We didn't have the luxury of sparing any salt for the potatoes.

Wednesday: Tonight I plan on eating the other half of the tater tot bag, along with a black bean burrito. We have fresh tomatoes outside, so I'll dice one of those for the burrito, along with some shredded cheese. Low carb diets can kiss my lily-white ass.

Thursday: I picked up a box of Stove Top stuffing at the grocery store. I'll likely eat that, and that alone, as there will be no more fresh meat in the house. The laziness will have set in. I already know that I won't be able to bring myself to visit the grocery store again, since what I have only needs to last me through Friday.

Friday: Understanding that the tapeworms will already have the best of me, I'm planning on eating the fail safe item that's been in the cupboard for months. Yes, the box of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese. I will keep telling myself that it's OK, that I deserve to fall off the nutritional wagon from time to time. I will also probably cry myself to sleep that night, vainly clutching at the oatmeal chocolate chip cookies that have become my only true friend throughout the ordeal.