Cubs Fans: Reasons Not To Drink Bleach

June 27, 2016 | Comments (0) | by Rich Funk

Ugh, well that was certainly a week worth forgetting.

Oh yeah, we're still a thing around here. Longtime readers of this site will know that sometimes, without warning or much reason, things will sort of go quiet around here. I've been on a break because I was getting married, or at least that seemed like the valid excuse for the first week or two. I don't know what everyone else was up to, with everyone yelling about Shia LahBoof and sandwichboxing. That's what we bring to the table that most Cubs sites don't: unbridled ridiculousness.

(And again, if you didn't read Shooter's piece last week about the new Sport Of Kings, do so right now and then come back and listen to me spout my garbage)

Once you get out of your rhythm when it comes to writing this stuff, it's sometimes hard to get back into it. It takes something really powerful to jolt you back to life and get those words flowing again.

And that powerful thing was the stench coming from the giant turd that the Cubs laid last week.

Swept by the Cardinals at Wrigley? Gross.

Lose 3 of 4 to the Marlins? Pungent.

Maybe it's because we've been on an extended honeymoon phase with this team for almost three months - a honeymoon that keeps going past its expected lifespan by reviving itself with the occasional home sweep of the Nationals or Pirates - but some people seem to be losing their shit.

Yeah, it wasn't a great week, but let's all calm down and remember that even really good teams only win 60% of their games because baseball is the most fickle, luck-affected major sport. Seriously...BABIP is a stat that exists to tell us what players are statistically lucky/unlucky. WE HAVE CALCULATED OUT AN ABSTRACT CONCEPT WITH MATH.

Listen, just have a few drinks and relax, man. Go take a sauna. Get drunk and fight your brother. Do whatever you gotta do to get you back in a calm mindset. Every team struggles, even the great ones. It's not time to jump off the roof just yet. Here are some reasons to definitely not kill yourself:

It's Not Like We Lost To Nobodies:
If you're anything like me, it seems like the thorn in the side of this year's Cubs team has been, to be honest, awful teams. For a team playing as well as the Cubs have been so far this season, they certainly have lost their fair share of games to the Padres/Braves/Brewers/Rockies of the world. But guess what? That wasn't the case this week. Both the Cardinals and the Marlins are playing quite well as of late, after slow starts for both teams. If the season ended today, the Marlins would be the second Wild Card team, with the Cards just a game behind them. So it's not like that one week where we lost a bunch of games to the Padres.

The Cubs Didn't Even Look That Bad:
A lot of the games last week were actually pretty close. At least, until the bullpen got involved. They looked bad. I'm super glad that the Cubs have been rumored to be looking for bullpen help, and sooner rather than later, because the bullpen has been suuuuper shaky lately.

The Youth Movement Has Been As Advertised:
Jorge Soler is hurt. Dexter Fowler is hurt. Rizzo and Zobrist are banged up. Those are some big names to not have in a lineup. For a look at how bad a team can struggle if 2-3 players from their AAA team are forced into the lineup, look no further than the Royals. But the Cubs have been able to plug the leaks spectacularly, partially because Baez and Bryant have been able to move all around the diamond, and partially because Almora Jr and Contreras have been as good as advertised. I know it's a small sample size and all so far, but Almora has been great with the glove and just good enough with the bat and Contreras looks like he has the potential to give the Cubs back some of that offense they lost when Schwarber hurt his knee. And if Fowler moves on after this year, Almora can take over in CF while Contreras can split time between C/1B/LF to spell MIGMON and Schwarber next year.

Remember Our Division:
I think the Cubs have beat up on the Pirates enough to lump them in with the Reds and the Brewers in the "We should look forward to these games because the Cubs have a really good chance of winning". The Cubs have 35 games left against the Pirates and Brewers and Reds and have 6 more against the A's and Padres, which comes out to 41 games that you would hope the Cubs could play at least .630 ball against those games. That would be 26-15 ideally and put the Cubs 74-41, meaning they could go .500 against the rest of the teams on the schedule and finish with 98 wins.

Heyward Still Isn't Hitting:
He's gotta come around at some point, right?


The Cubs still have the best record in baseball (tied!) and are 22 games over .500 with a nine game lead on the second place Cardinals. We're fine.

Introducing Knuckle Sandwich: The New Sport of Kings

June 17, 2016 | Comments (0) | by Shooter Muldoon

The beating heart of human achievement, no matter what the field, depends on continually pushing boundaries. Can a man hit 71 homers? What is the human stomach's capacity for hot dogs? How can a physicist ... do good physics thing?

What if I told you that TMS bartender Rich and I have rolled all the greatest physical, mental, and emotional challenges from those fields into one special custom maki roll of pure iron will? Surely it would be the greatest sport of all time. And so it is. BEHOLD!

The skyscraper of the human mind that is Knuckle Sandwich is based upon twin pillars of undeniable truth. To wit:

- Physical violence is a primal act that stirs the spirit and angries up the blood - the purest distillation of sport.

- Eating contests are the horrifying manifestation of man's darkest nature.

We've combined these things to forge a sport that plays to all regions of man's primordial Ape-Brain. It's the ultimate contest of gentlemanly fortitude. It begins with a challenge, one man to another. Twelve ounce boxing gloves, a standard ring, and the sandwich of the challenged duelist's choice.

"What's that?" you say. "A sandwich?" 

Yeah, man. 

The challenge is simple: 60 second rounds of boxing, followed by 30 second rounds of eating. To win:

- Finish the sandwich in full.

- Make your opponent throw up.

That's it. It's so simple - yet like chess, there are many branching paths to victory or defeat. The head is well padded, and gloves are 12 oz. So battering one's opponent about the head isn't the clearest path to victory. Yet focusing entirely on eating could leave one vulnerable to the vomitous power of the left hook. Think you can chow down then dance away from repeated body punches? Good luck with that, Punch Idiot.

Can you eat? Can you fight? Can you do both reasonably well? Then welcome to Knuckle Sandwich.

Inaugural Championship Divisions

- Hot Pastrami with Spicy Mustard (Knuckle Sandwich Classic)

- Nashville Hot Chicken (Knuckle Sandwich Diablo)

- Chicken Tinga Tortas (Bocadillo Nudillo)

- Lettuce Wraps (Gluten Free Knuckle Sandwich)

- Battle for the Galaxy (1 LB Astronaut Ice Cream, Ring is a Trampoline)

- 6' Party Sub (Knuckle Sandwich, Heavyweight Division)

- Endless Pieogi Hell (Golonka KanapkÄ™)

- Knucklopoulous Sandwichipillos (Gyro Brawl)

Names will be made. Legends will be forged. As intense as MMA, but without all the  sweaty wrestling and sexually confused man-boy fans. A thousand years from now, when Mike Trout is naught but a set of bones in the Space Smithsonian, the Sultans of Mars will wildly throw their Mars Dollars at the greatest eating and hitting and eating-hitting champions the solar system has to offer. Torbog Ricketts IX will finally hire TheoBot 9000 to rebuild the proud MarsCago Fighting Stable to the glories of the past. Past, present, and future will all rush to claim glory in a sport built for the screaming rush toward dominance that is the heart of mankind. And you were here to witness its birth.

Float like a butterfly, sting like a ham-laden Kathy Bates. Make way for Knuckle Sandwich!

TMS Late Night: Update - So Far, So Good Game of Thrones

June 13, 2016 | Comments (1) | by Governor X

Back in April, I posted my top 5 GOT characters we haven't heard from in a while. So far so good!

5. That Guy Who Couldn't Die - Just saw him this week. Looks like he still can't die.

4. Edmure Tully - Alive and semi-well. He has a baby he's never seen, which is by far the best kind of baby.

3. Daario Naharis - You see GOT reddit, this was a joke. Are you familiar with the concept? They did a really poor job recasting him, so it was almost like Daario went away and was replaced by his distant cousin Waario. Anyway, we actually haven't heard from Daario in a couple weeks now, which is for the best since he's one of my "Top 5 Game of Thrones Characters That Should Go Away For A While."

2. Robert Baratheon’s Bastard (one of them anyway) - STILL MISSING

1. Rickon - Ramsay's new toy. Now he won't be able to father a child to carry on the Stark name either!


So You Don't Have To: Arby's Gyro

June 08, 2016 | Comments (3) | by Governor X

Earlier this week, Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan requested that someone in the TMS crew eat an Arby's Gyro. Never one to back down from an "eat this weird thing" food challenge (seriously Ben, I will get to your pizza request), I stepped up to the plate. I thought I was prepared for this, but I forgot it was Arby's. Those sons of bitches always have a SHOCKING TWIST up their sleeve.

I figure the easiest way to do this is to do this is to take their own description of the gyro and just go through point by point:

Nothing says “I am an adventurous eater and interesting person” like eating a gyro at Arby’s. Our classic thinly sliced roast beef is topped with lettuce, onions and tomatoes, cool creamy tzatziki sauce, and authentic Greek seasonings all hugged by a warm pita.

Way to set the bar high Arby's. It's like I'm already in Athens, only with less fascism, smog, and crippling unemployment. Before I begin though, I feel obligated to let you know there was a guy with a Make America Great Again hat eating there...because of course there was. Let's go!

Nothing says “I am an adventurous eater and interesting person” like eating a gyro at Arby’s.

I do consider myself an adventurous eater in that I'll try pretty much any food I find at least once, but this is a god damn Arby's. There's only one of them in every shitty town on the interstate in this country. That doesn't require a lot of adventure. As far as being interesting, well probably at one point maybe I was but I'm in my mid thirties now and just marching towards my inevitable doom like the rest of you slobs. To prove it, I just had lunch at Arby's.

Our classic thinly sliced roast beef...

Well yes. This certainly is Arby's thinly sliced roast beef on a gyro. If you're one of those "no red meat" people (eyeroll), they have a turkey option for you! AUTHENTICITY topped with lettuce, onions and tomatoes...

Shredded iceberg lettuce to entice Bud Norris, raw red onions because those are always a hit, and the same never quite ripe slices of tomatoes you've come to expect from a fast food sandwich. creamy tzatziki sauce...

Alright. Let's linger here for a minute. Like with any food, there are varying degrees of quality to tzatziki sauce. Some are well seasoned and perfectly compliment the sandwich, while others taste like someone put mayo and cucumber in a blender. This is neither. It exists somewhere on its own plane. There isn't much of it on the sandwich, which is for the best because it's runny like my poop is sure to be after this digests and tastes like they may have just watered down some ranch dressing they had on hand.

...and authentic Greek seasonings...

Authentic Greek seasonings = a light dusting of some parsley and salt mixture.

...all hugged by a warm pita.

I think we can all agree hugged is a weird verb choice there. We've all experienced one and I don't think any of us thought of pita bread. As far as the quality of the pita, this particular Arby's used to be a Taco Bell and the pita bread may just be leftover gordita bread they found when they moved in.

How does it all come together? Strangely. The "tzatziki" and pita bread combine to somehow make the sandwich taste like it has cheese on it even though there isn't any. So imagine how unpleasant and weird a gyro with cheese might taste and then remember there is no actual cheese on it. The roast beef as gyro meat was just lumped on there in the same half-assed way they lump it on their regular sandwiches and every bit as unsatisfying. By the end, I was contemplating dousing the thing in Arby's Sauce so I could get to the end, but I powered through. I don't ever want to eat this thing again and I will curse Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan for the rest of my life.

Final Grade: F

Thank god Pepos' internet got shut off so he doesn't have to see this abomination.

Are You Ready To Get Gisted?

June 03, 2016 | Comments (0) | by Governor X

Hey look, a post! Cubs went 7-1 since you last got gisted.