War Criminal Update: Shia LaBeouf Still At Large

May 27, 2016 | Comments (0) | by Governor X

Back in 2007, this guy named Shia LaBeouf came on my radar. As you can see, I instinctively knew he was a terrible human being, guilty of multiple war crimes.

Holy shit did I underestimate how bad he was.

When I wrote that 9 years ago, LaBeouf was a mere Idi Amin. Since then he's turned into a full blown Josef Stalin, brutalizing the world with his "art."

He came up again because he's decided to hitchhike across America as some sort of performance art/pogrom. It might be sort of clever I guess had John Waters not done the exact same thing just last year.

What else has he been up to since we last checked in? Here's a sampling:

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - I'm an apologist for this movie and will argue until the day I die it's better than the now virtually unwatchable Temple of Doom, but man, he makes that a tough sell. The low point of Indiana Jones is when he swings on vines with some monkeys. I don't even remember why. I just see owls now.

Whatever the fuck this is.

He wore a bag to the Berlin Film Festival. Seriously. Look at that fucking thing.

He sat in a theater for six days, for you know, art or something, and let people come see him. One lady molested him. Good for her.

He paid for #StopCreating and #StartCreating skywriting over LA - because if there's one thing LA needs it's more shit in the air. Maybe next time he can create a traffic jam.

BTW, those last three things may all have been plagiarized to some degree.

We need to stay vigilant people. How can a criminal like this walk free for years? Even Roman Polanski has to hide out in Europe and all he did was drug a teenage girl and...uh, well never mind that I guess. Anyway, we all need to do as the state security apparatus suggests and say something if we see something. Did you see Nymphomaniac? Call DHS. Immediately. If you're a spoiled Hollywood douche canoe, you can even call it art!