War Criminal: Shia LaBeouf

April 15, 2007 | Comments (0) | by Governor X

Just who the hell are you and why is the media talking about you like we should care?

The first I had heard of you was when they announced you were hosting Saturday Night Live. Apparently you're in this uncredited remake of Rear Window - I hope the Hitchcock estate is suing these bastards for everything they've got. This was pretty much enough for me to conclude you are a douchebag and just another young actor who will probably die of a speed overdose outside of a Hollywood nightclub before the end of the decade.

Then you tread on sacred ground...

I guess Friday was a slow news day because this was actually a news headline I saw: LaBeouf to star in new `Indiana Jones' film. It was bad enough when you were just the latest "next big thing" doomed to fizzle out, but now you've sullied the reputation of the Indiana Jones series. Between you and a 65 year old Harrison Ford, my hopes for this movie are fading fast.

Some other reasons you've made the War Criminal list:

In spite of being Jewish, your first name is "Shia" - are you jewish or muslim? Make up your mind. I'm reasonably sure you can't be both.

Your father was a circus mime and rodeo clown who let you smoke pot when you were ten.

Your mother was a ballerina.

I'm pretty sure your last name means "The Beef" in French.

Your illustrious filmography includes Constantine, Dumb and Dumberer, Charlies Angels: Full Throttle, and I, Robot.

You enjoy The Shins & Jack Johnson.

Your fans are so hardcore, they haven't updated this site since 2003.

You're younger than me.

Thats all, happy Jackie Robinson Day everyone.