Who Is Tommy Buzanis?

April 30, 2007 | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz

You've heard his name bantered about on this site like a pinata at a child's birthday party. He is the stuff of urban legend. His name? Tommy Buzanis. Questions of his authenticity abound, as do questions of his sexuality.

"Who is Tommy Buznanis?" you ask. "And more importantly why the hell should I care?"

All valid questions. I'm here to provide some answers.

Tommy Buzanis is a sometime contributor to the Saloon, but lets be honest with each other, he doesn't have time for this shit. He's the one on the right in the photo over there, looking drunk, tan and happy. Tommy, you son-of-a-bitch. Tommy lives an active social life and is constantly on the road, with limited access to a computer. When he is online, he is more than likely using a dial-up connection, trading stocks or looking up local escort services in whatever town he happens to be passing through. So although Tommy remains at best, as elusive as the Tibetan Yeti, and at worst, milk carton material, we do know a few things about him. Random tidbits, yes, but enough for us to gather a composite of who he is and what his motives are.
  • Tommy Buzanis eats steak whenever humanly possible. If your restaurant does not serve steak, Tommy will get up and leave, rudely and abruptly, often times taking the basket of free bread with him out of pure spite.

  • Tommy Buzanis owns a boat. The boat is named the 'Orifice Penetrator', which is, I mean, that is disgusting. Vintage Buzanis though. Vintage Buzanis. Tommy has no idea how to actually work the boat, thus it remains docked and available for subleasing.

  • Tommy Buzanis claims that his name is an anagram for 'fun'. He clearly has no idea what an anagram is.

  • Tommy Buzanis is not much of a fighter, but he does like to talk a lot of shit. Far be it from him to not make an inappropriate sexual comment towards your wife either. And if he can get you drunk enough to pass out before him, don't think he won't try to sleep with her.

  • For God's sakes, don't leave your young children alone with him, especially near a pool. Tommy Buzanis cannot be held responsible for the actions of your kids.

  • Tommy Buzanis has a tan 365 days out of the year. He scoffs at the notion of skin cancer and calls it part of the 'crazy liberal agenda'.

  • Tommy Buzanis always pays with cash.

  • Thought Buzanis sightings are rare, but if you camp outside of a Tommy Bahamas long enough, you're likely to see him show up.

  • Like a bird, Tommy migrates south for the winter. Every January look for him in Florida, swindling rich widows out of their life savings.

  • Tommy's iPod playlist includes: Jimmy Buffett, REO Speedwagon, Seger, 80's era Rod Stewart, Marley (if he's really shitfaced), Don Johnson and somewhat surprisingly, he claims that Clay Aiken is the perfect aphrodisiac.

  • He is often times found on a beach, but make no mistake, Tommy Buzanis cannot swim.

  • Tommy Buzanis finds wearing shirts to be an unnecessary nuisance that if at all possible, should be avoided. If one must wear a shirt, it should be loose fitting with loud colors that announce your presence.

  • His favorite supermodel is Christie Brinkley.

  • On more than one occasion, Tommy Buzanis has loudly proclaimed that he is buying the whole bar a round of shots and then ended up leaving without paying the tab.

  • If your opinion differs from his, Tommy Buzanis doesn't have time for you.

  • Tommy Buzanis likes to speak in cliches.

  • He will often times greet you with a 'playful' punch on the shoulder, but you secretly think to yourself, 'Christ that hurt'. You grimace but smile, not wanting to seem like a pussy. You will soon conclude that Tommy Buzanis is unusually strong.

  • Tommy Buzanis will often times interrupt other people's conversations just so he can do his DeNiro impression.

  • Tommy Buzanis has seen Wall Street unironically over 100 times. He also loves Fatal Attraction so one could surmise that he's a big Michael Douglas guy.

  • He has been married three times, but all of his ex-wives are, in his words, 'spiteful whores'. He proposed to all three wives on a jumbotron.

I could go on, but you get the point. That's enough for now. I don't have time for this shit.

Artists rendering of Tommy Buzanis, circa 1992.