Realm of Red: Redhead of the Week

April 17, 2007 | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz

Each Halley's Comet or so, I will profile various redheads who paved the way for our own Thunder Matt. These men and women opened doors (often times kicking them in due to their fiery tempers) that would have otherwise kept Thunder Matt toiling in Independent Baseball leagues, shagging fly balls in Newark and frequenting seedy hotels. We tip our Cubs hats to these fair-skinned pioneers.

Today's Redhead: Dude. Shawn White. Duh.

(Shaking fist) Get off my lawn Shawn White!

Shawn White is a snowboarder and a skateboarder. He does nothing if not perpetuate the stereotype of Southern California youth that we've all come to abhor. Thanks Shawn White. Thanks MTV.

Shawn White was born in 1986. He's not even old enough to drink. When I was in the movie theatre, watching Gremlins and making farting noises with my armpits, Shawn White probably wasn't even a fetus yet. Yet Shawn White has made more money than I will probably make in my entire life. (That's right kids. Blogging, along with crime, doesn't pay.)

He is known for his shock of bright red hair and has been dubbed in more hip circles than mine as the 'Flying Tomato'. Doesn't really have the ring of 'Thunder Matt' and seems a bit too obvious, but I digress. Word is (and by 'word', I mean according to Wikipedia) that he has grown tired of this nickname. Really Shawn? I've grown tired of my own lack of physical prowess and inability to hold down a steady job. But guess what? That's life. Deal with it Shawn. Or should I say, Flying Tomato? (Biting finger and looking over shoulder seductively)

Shawn is the only person that I, and most people over the age of 25, can name that has ever participated in the X Games. Shawn White 'does the Dew'. Much like NASCAR, people watch Shawn White in the secret hope that he biffs it really bad. Not enough for him to get seriously hurt, just enough to get a good chuckle out of it. Assuming I were to watch the X Games. Given free choice, that is not likely to happen.

He also apparently won a medal in the halfpipe in the Olympics. I'm sure his mother, if not his country, is proud. He has also been in two movies which no one has seen. The White Album, soiling the Beatles legacy, and First Descent, easily one of the most annoying movies of all time which proves once and for all that slow motion is a dead artform.

Right now you can find Shawn at the mall wearing a trucker hat. He's nonchalantly skateboarding in the parking lot, smoking, making fun of crippled people and wearing his shorts dangerously low. It's doubtful that he has showered in the past 3 days and more likely that he will spend the better portion of the night playing Xbox 360 (playing 'himself' in a game!), smoking pot, eating Cheetos and texting some girl who is not his girlfriend.