11:51 AM | Comments (0) | by Wolter
11:16 AM | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz
Posted in: Chaim Witz
6:05 AM | Comments (0) | by T.R.
Today's match: Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn vs. Boxer Briefs
Solzhenitsyn, who passed away in August of 2008, was a Russian and Soviet historian, and Nobel laureate in Literature. His prominent works, A Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich and The Gulag Archipelago, earned him both global critical acclaim and exile from his home country. Toward the end of WWII, while serving as a commander in the Red Army, he was tried and imprisoned for inflammatory writings questioning Joseph Stalin's conduct of the war. After serving his term in a labor camp, he was permitted back into Soviet society. At this time, he conducted much of his research and writings in secrecy due to the ever-watchful eye of the KGB. In 1962, Nikita Khrushchev, First Secretary of the Communist Party at the time, permitted the publishing of A Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich. This sudden rise to cultural prominence only intensified the scrutiny that Solzhenitsyn suffered at the hands of the KGB. In 1974, Solzhenitsyn was stripped of his Soviet citizenship and permanently exiled from the country. After floating around Western Europe, he ventured to the United States, settling in Vermont. Here he continued his writings against Communism, favoring a return to Russian imperialism and orthodoxy. It should also be noted that while Solzhenitsyn appreciated the political liberties which democracy allowed, he remained disconcerted by the evils of popular culture and the weakening of American strenght. In other words, Solzhenitsyn would not approve of the Saloon. After the collapse of the Soviet Union, Solzhenitsyn returned to the motherland, where he preached moderate nationalism and the emboldening of Russia, and decried its turn toward materialism and the crumbling of its religious foundations.
Strengths: showed great intestinal fortitude by sticking it to the KGB; survived a near-fatal bout with cancer; exposed the Gulags and the faults of Communism
Weaknesses: willingly chose to live in Vermont of all places; once described the United States as a "province of Israel"; wanted the United States to prolong the war in Vietnam
Fun Fact: His son Ignat is an acclaimed concert pianist and conductor, working primarily with the Chamer Orchestra of Philadelphia.
*information largely cribbed from Wikipedia
For centuries, cultured men were suffered the indignity of having only two alternatives to "going commando": boxers or briefs. When a young man first graduates from diapers, he is too young to yet understand the difference between the two, and is generally at the will of his mother regarding the undergarments he will use throughout his youth. In 98% of all cases, the mother will default to white briefs, or as we refer to them, "tighty whities". In the other 2% of cases, the mother is likely deceased or too hopped up on goofers to pay any mind to the child. It is usually not until high school when a young man realizes that he has the choice to transition to boxers. But lo and behold, the 1990's gave advent to a new choice in the male intimates section at your local Target: the boxer briefs. Melding the best of both worlds, the boxer brief has both the length of boxers (which are more comfortable and desirable when undressing in front of a female) and the compact feel of the "tighty whities" (which helps to absorb those last two drops of urine so that they do not run down the leg). They afford a more confident demeanor when standing semi-nude in front of a mirror and flexing. Boxer briefs scream "I am not convinced that the testicles need to be so aerated as to necessitate boxers, yet I also do not enjoy playing World of Warcraft!" The boxer brief is simultaneously a neutral Switzerland, and the dawn of the United States of America. There have been precious few articles of clothing in the history of man that have liberated so many.
Strengths: more appealing to the ladies; "last two drops" corollary; dark colors assist in hiding unmentionable stains
Weaknesses: often more expensive than standard boxers or briefs; slight risk of decreased sperm count
Fun Fact: They suppress boners slightly better than boxers, which always helps when you're riding the city bus.
12:54 PM | Comments (0) | by Arcturus
Who'd we get? C'mon, big money, no Whammies, no Whammies, no Whammies . . .
SHIT!!! Carlos Silva, seriously? I know Bradley is a cantering cocknugget, but come on! I'd rather keep Bradley and hope Lou can keep from killing him for a season just so Ryne Sandberg gets a chance to manage the selfish prick.
In case anybody cares, Silva pitched in all of 8 games last year, finishing 1 and 3 with an 8.60 ERA before mercifully injuring himself. 2008 wasn't any better as Silva pitched in 28 games, amassing a 4 and 15 record with an ERA of 6.46. He's also fucking big. And not the good kind of big, if you know what I mean. Let's put it this way: if Silva ever went to Japan, the fucking Sea Shepherd would be following him around for his own protection.
3:54 AM | Comments (0) | by Adam Blank
Christmastime is full of movie traditions. With classics such as It's A Wonderful Life, A Christmas Story, White Christmas, Miracle on 34th Street, and about a hundred other essential holiday movies, it seems absurd to recommend another addition to our vast cultural repository of essential holiday films. But I'd be doing a disservice to the world if I didn't try to make the case for the 1959 epic simply titled Santa Claus.
This Mexican film was made by famed South-of-the-border director Rene Cardona, who directed a shit-ton of movies, such as: Rock 'N Roll Wrestling Women vs. the Aztec Mummy, Santo vs. the Diabolical Brain, and the schlock classic Brainiac.
An American producer, K. Gordon Murray, bought the rights to Santa Claus and a few other foreign children's movies. He then dubbed them into English and released them in the U.S. and made a fortune off the burgeoning kiddie matinee circuit, which Murray helped create in the first place. Santa Claus played theatrically for decades. Unsuspecting children were dropped off at the theater to endure this spectacle while mommy finished up last minute shopping. And what, exactly, were these generations of children exposed to?
For starters, Santa Claus lives in a crystal palace in outer space that sort of resembles a mosque. Here he's collected a small army of children of different races & creeds ("Even Russia!" the narrator informs us) who work to assemble the toys for the Earth children. No elves for this Santa. It's at this point that we're introduced to the various groups of children, who dress in the "traditional" garb of their native lands while corresponding stereotypical music plays in the background.
This scene alone lasts a good 5 or 6 minutes, so I'll give you the highlights: The African children wear loincloths and have bones in their hair. They dance to a tribal drum. A nine year old Harem girl from "The Orient" dances seductively. The German children wear lederhosen, the American children sing "Mary Had a Little Lamb" and the Mexican children play "La Cucaracha."
Meanwhile, in HELL, Lucifer sends his most flamboyant minion, Pitch, to earth in order to trick children into doing evil. If he fails, he'll be forced to eat ice cream.
That's right. Santa Claus must contend with the forces of evil from the bowels of Hell. In hindsight, battling the denizens of Hell makes a foggy Christmas Eve without Rudolph seem as troublesome as not having an umbrella in a vagina storm.
Even though there are millions of children on earth, only five are to be tempted to do evil by Lucifer's obviously homosexual assistant. The first to be tempted is "a good little boy whose daddy is quite rich." The second child is the ridiculously adorable Lupita, whose family is comically poor and all she wants is a fucking doll. Any doll. Finally, we're shown three boys who look like they crawled out of a Monogram poverty row picture from the 40's. We immediately know they're bad news because they wear leather jackets and scally caps. Tempted by the devil, they throw rocks through a store's display window.
In order to find out who's naughty and who's nice, Santa employs surveillance devices that make our drone aircraft look like a cup-and-ball. These tools of omnipotence look like they came out of a hybrid of "Pee Wee's Playhouse" and Un Chien Andalou. With these devices, not only can Santa see you "in a cave or behind a million mountains," but he can also see inside your dreams!
Santa spies on the rich boy, who dreams of unwrapping two giant boxes which contain his emotionally unavailable parents. All he wants for Christmas is love. This poor little rich boy already has everything he could ever want, except a face that doesn't look like it's been stricken with Down's Syndrome.
Lupita falls asleep in her parent's one room shack, and soon the devil is blowing in her ear(!), which causes her to have a scary dream where 10 terrifying mechanical dolls come out of giant wrapped boxes and perform a synchronized dance in a large room with a fog machine. After the dance, the dolls gang up on Lupita and try to convince her to steal her own Christmas gift. Lupita won't give in, and Santa is thrilled; nearly to the point of orgasm.
With Christmas fast approaching, Santa receives letters from children all over the world. One boy asks for a baby brother. Santa is happy to oblige and forwards the letter to the stork. Another boy asks for an "Atomic laboratory and a machine gun." Without checking twice, Santa puts the kid's request in the "Nice" pile. Kid's certainly made out like bandits during the Cold War.
Before Santa goes on his Christmas Eve run, he goes to see his buddy Merlin the Magician, who apparently lives in his magic palace. Merlin has all sorts of bizarre shit to help Santa break into homes unnoticed, like a magic flower that makes him disappear and sleeping powder which has Rohypnol-like effects on children. Where can I get some of that?
After getting all his magic shit in order, Santa is ready to go. He boards his sleigh, which isn't pulled by 8 live flying reindeer but rather four freaky wind-up mechanical reindeer. Seriously, these fucking things are the stuff of nightmares. We're told that if the reindeer are exposed to sunlight, they turn to dust! Jesus fucking Christ, Santa! What kind of shady occult organization are you running in your outer space mosque of child slavery?
On Earth, Santa must outwit the devil and make sure all the good children of earth receive their presents. Will he succeed, or will Satan triumph over the children of earth? I'm sure you can guess the answer to that. But the real question is: Why would anyone make a movie this fucked up? Well, apparently Santa Claus wasn't big in ol' Mexico. Being a religious people, Christmas focused on the birth of Christ. Thus, the giving of gifts was done to commemorate the gifts of the Magi (the wise men, not the O. Henry story). So this was sort of like a half-assed introduction to the Eurocentric version of Santa Claus we've taken for granted all our lives.
Like Christmas itself, it's best to experience this movie with close friends & family. And whiskey... lots of fucking whiskey. Although it's sometimes dreamlike, sometimes absurd and always shitty, Santa Claus nevertheless looks and feels like Christmas. I've heard that a cheap DVD of this movie can be found at most Walgreens locations for a buck or two. Treat yourself to something nice this Christmas and get a copy, since you can't get this from Netflix.
Rating: 5 Creepy Mechanical Reindeer out of 5.
11:16 AM | Comments (0) | by T.R.
Kanye West (5 votes) vs. The Enron Scandal (16 votes)
Vegas was stunned with these results. The prognosticators were calling for a beating at the hands of Mr. West. But NO! Mighty Enron turned the tables on Kanye by the widest margin to date. The flash in the pan hip-hopper assured himself of the last laugh though, when he stormed the stage and ...oh...nevermind. Kanye was no match for the staying power of corporate scandal.
HBO (9 votes) vs. Piet Mondrian (4 votes)
Well duh, of course HBO won. I mean, quality television, boobs, and swearing, versus a guy named Piet? Say my name is Brant, and I'm at a cocktail party. You ask me what I do for a living, and I tell you that I paint in straight lines and only use three colors. You would tell me "that's interesting" and look for someone more important to talk to. But if your name is Piet, then painting like a third grader not only gains you international notoriety, but you're able to perpetuate a freaking artistic movement. Whatever, Taxicab Confessions is way cooler than the cover of the last Silverchair album.
Dunkin' Donuts (8 votes) vs. The Assassination of Franz Ferdinand (11 votes)
Obviously the Saloon does not have a huge Boston following. Seriously though, the coffee is good, I'll give them that. But we're talking about The Great War! Conspiracy! Assassination! Sexual frivolity (unconfirmed)! Secret societies! Tuberculosis! It's the stuff of a Steven Soderbergh film! Except very, very real.
Remember people, keep voting!
Posted in: Brant Brown
9:00 AM | Comments (0) | by Wolter
Today's match: Boba Fett vs. Fried Chicken
The nerd's ultimate idea of cool, Boba Fett is the cleverest, slickest, most dangerous bounty hunter in the Star Wars series. Of course, he does this more or less by the time honored tradition of "not being as dumb as Greedo," an alien so dumb that even after Lucas felt bad enough to go back and spot him a free first shot, managed to miss from 2 feet away. Still, Boba Fett was the only person in the entire Galactic Empire not to notice the huge spaceship that disappeared from view might be floating amongst the ONLY cover within ten light years, so we can definitely give him that. Boba Fett also flew the legitimately badassed Slave-1. Sure it was a weird looking combination of spaceship and hair-dryer, but when you fly in something named Slave-1, no one fucks with you. Except maybe Harriet Tubman.
Like all things awesome about the original Star Wars series, Lucas managed to make Boba Fett lamer than Joe Theismann, circa 1986 during the "new trilogy." Apparently he's a clone of his own "father" Django Reinhardt, along with EVERY SINGLE STORMTROOPER...which means the entire Imperial Army is pretty much a bunch of renowned jazz guitarists. Or something like that, I stopped paying attention halfway through that crapfest.
Strengths: In The Empire Strikes Back, he is easily the most competent employee on the Imperial Payroll. He has a kickass jetpack, a grappling hook, and the stones to stand up to Darth Vader.
Weaknesses: Being accidentally hit on the back by a blind Han Solo will cause his kickass jetpack to malfunction and enable him to be digested over a thousand year period by the Saarlacc. Nice heel, Achilles. His death merited a slide whistle.
Fun Fact: Did you know, per Wikipedia, that the plural of "Saarlacc" is "Saarlacci?" And the plural of "nerd" is "more than one person who knows that."
Though one of our bartenders is secretly a vegetarian (guess which one!), the rest of us know that chickens are essentially Food Alive. And everyone knows the best way to serve any food is to bread it and deep fry it. Even things that are counterintuitive, like pickles, okra, or ice cream.
Invented by Jesus shortly after he turned water into beer, fried chicken lay dormant until rediscovered by the American South, especially poor African-Americans, as chickens were the only farm animal slaves were allowed to keep. This led to some rather disgusting racist connections with fried chicken, but let me assure you, as a caucasian southerner, I have eaten more than enough of the stuff to bely any aspersions of that nature.
Strengths: Aside from tasting like awesome lives in your mouth, fried chicken keeps for longer than most dishes, which is another reason it became popular in the pre-refrigeration south. It may well be the perfect picnic food, since you are required by law to eat it with your hands in most states.
Weaknesses: Other than the whole "racism" angle, it looks like fried chicken might not actually be healthy. More on this as it develops.
Fun Fact: Colonel Sanders was named a Kentucky Colonel in 1935, nearly 20 years before KFC was franchised.
12:02 PM | Comments (0) | by Ginger Russ
While you can look at stats all you want, some things are intangible. Murton brought sex appeal, an underdog attitude, and of course a lovability to the Cubs that is rarely seen. Would Murton piss on his hands and then shake yours? I think not. Would Matt cork his bat just because he was having a slump? Hardly. Did the Redheaded Wonder ever lead the league in "simulated games"? Never. Can he grow a beard faster than it takes Daft's mom to take her clothes off in exchange for a 40 of Old E? You betcha. What's that, these things don't make a player "the greatest of the decade"? Well, GFY then. Fine, let's look at the stats. A lifetime .299 hitter for the Cubs doesn't mean anything I guess.
Sure, since leaving the Cubs, Murton's luck has changed and is now off in Japan. But don't forget the great times he had here in Chicago. One needs to only look as far as the 28 plaques in the Thunder Matt Trophy Room to be reminded of that. Just as the Ted Lilly Fan Club is miffed about the absence of TRL to ESPN Chicago's list, we implore you Cubs fans - email, text, call, fax, send a letter, anything to get to those bastards and demand that Matt Murton be added to the list. Do it for Ginger Awareness not only in Chicago, but everywhere.
6:00 AM | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz
- I'm being told in my earpiece that there is going to be some new site launching in a few months that is kind of like that cartoon Voltron, whatever that means. Did I let the cat out of the bag? I don't know. But if you were burned when you invested in shares of Pomp Culture, you might want to sit this one out. The details are sketchy, but I can only imagine it involves pornography, t-shirts with wolves, Twittering, the sale of banned prescription drugs, and in some form or another, The Cubs. From all indications, it will involve several new writers and some old ones. The Hundley has been asked to return. Jordi Scrubbings has not.
- Avatar, for the most part, lives up to the $300 million dollar hype. See it in 3D though, for the love of the Blue Man Group. The visuals are amazing and the last 45 minutes are really unlike anything you've ever witnessed. It's far from the perfect movie: the story is rife with cliches, Sam Worthington's acting is as stiff as Tommy Buzanis on a Cialis bender and things begin to drag about 90 minutes in before picking up again. That said, the action scenes and visuals (the previews don't do them justice) more than compensate for the films flaws, none of which prove fatal. The line, 'you need to see this on the big screen' is probably overused in this day and age of HDTVs and surround sound, but make no doubt about it: you need to see this on the big screen...and in 3D if at all possible. I had a myriad of doubts going in, but walked out of the film a believer. A very solid B+.
- On the other end of the spectrum is Up in the Air, starring the dashing and well-spoken George Clooney. I don't really feel like giving a detailed review (I'm not your goddamn father), only to say that it is very good, even if it is the antithesis of Avatar. I'm not sure we should crown it Best Picture already like some circles already have, but I can't imagine anyone leaving this one disappointed. Solid entertainment the discerning adult and contemporary male. Let's give this one a B+ as well.
- "New Fang" by Them Crooked Vultures could very well be the Single of the Year (right up there with Pearl Jam's "The End"). The rest of the album? The jury is still out, but my dick is still in my pants.
- A War Hero on cheese and crackers is forthcoming. Don't agree with me on that one? Then, by all means, log off the Internet and log onto me murdering you while you sleep.
- It took me a while to warm up to it, but that show Modern Family on ABC is really good. A poor man's Arrested Development, it's finally given me something to watch on day other than Thursday. For the sake of continuity, lets give that one a B+ as well.
- Lots of noise being made about Milton Bradley. I'm trying to keep a safe distance away from the hoopla because A) I need a mental break from the Cubs after last season and B) I don't like Milton Bradley and would just prefer that I wake up on April 1st to find him not in the lineup, upon which I will just logically assume that the Cubs managed to trade him for a warm body whose testicles have dropped and has an inclination to hustle and smile (preferably at the same time).
- Raves: the song 'Relator' (shockingly enough, sung by Pete Yorn and Scarlett Johansson), Rosemary and Olive Oil Triscuits, NFL playoff races, mole sauce, Amazon Prime, Flip Video Ultra HD, HP Pavilion dv6T laptop, Sabra hummus, Simply Limeade, cars with butt warmers.
- Rants: Semi-trucks, freezing temperatures, grinches, impatient drivers, getting sweets as a Christmas present, genocide.
10:03 AM | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan
When asked about the validity of this, Cubs general manager Jim Hendry said, "Absolutely. Clemente would fill our hole in center field. He's an amazing hitter, an outstanding fielder, and is a role model to every Hispanic player we have. The impact he'd have on our team would be tremendous!"
Hendry was then asked if he realized Clemente has been deceased for nearly 37 years. "Huh? Of course I know he's dead. Did you honestly think I thought we could sign him for 2010? I was just saying that it'd be nice to have him as our center fielder, just like it'd be nice to have Mike Cameron, or J.J. Putz, or Matt Capps, or Jason Bay, or Chone Figgins, or Curtis Granderson, or John Lackey, but that's not happening either!"
8:40 AM | Comments (0) | by Arcturus
The past few days have seen a flurry of moves, all made by other teams. The Blue Jays, Phillies, and Mariners may complete a blockbuster deal that would send ace Roy Halladay to Philadelphia and Cliff Lee to the Mariners. The Mariners suddenly look like contenders and remain in the mix for Jason Bay. The Red Sox meanwhile have signed Cub target Mike Cameron for 2 years and seem on the verge of acquiring John Lackey. Speculation is that Lackey's presence will allow them to deal Clay Bucholz and Jacoby Ellsbury for Adrian Gonzalez. Like the Red Sox really need to get any better. And the Cardinals have supposedly offered Matt Holiday 16M per over 8 years.
What have the Cubs done this year? Purged the team of every player signed last offseason, save the brooding Bradley. Resigned John Grabow, whose arm will probably now fall off. And they've expressed interest in signing Pirates closer Matt Capps, who was non-tendered by the Bucs. I fully expect Hendry to overpay to secure three years of Capps and call the offseason a success. I know there's a lot of post-season left, but so far it's had a very 2004 feel to it. Remember Freddie Bynum? Yeah, me neither.
It's looking more and more like Bradley will still be our problem come next season. Can Jim and Lou put the pieces back together and get the sulky Milton to play up to his potential? Can the rest of the team live with a guy who has no interest in being a team player and still compete? Will Lou snap and beat Milton to death with a baseball bat? Would any of the Cubs stop him if he did? And if he did, are the Cubs still on the hook for Milton's salary? All questions worth pondering as we death march to Opening Day 2010.
10:15 AM | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan
Granted Capps had a down year last season, but assuming he can regain pre-2009 form, it'd be nice to have a reliever that can strike guys out much more often than walking them.
5:29 AM | Comments (0) | by T.R.
Today's match: Dunkin' Donuts vs. The Assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Dunkin' Donuts is one of the largest coffee chains in North America. Founded in 1950, and based in Canton, Massachusetts, the company has expanded it's presence to over 30 countries. Originally serving coffee and simple pastries, Dunkin' Donuts has diversified it's product base to include specialty coffees and breakfast sandwiches. This evolution was prompted by competition from Starbucks and McDonald's, amongst others, in the burgeoning "morning fix" market. Their national operations are largely based East of the Mississippi River. There are currently no Dunkin' Donuts stores in the state of California, and oddly enough, plans to expand to the latte-slurping West Coast do not appear imminent. This may be in deference to the strong foothold Starbucks holds on that region, though the Dunkin' Donuts marketing team has never shied away from their prime challenger. In a series of ad campaigns over the last several years, Dunkin' Donuts has been known to poke Starbucks in the eye, often slighting the pretentious Italian terms that the Seattle-based company insists on populating their menu with. Most of you will also remember the Fred the Baker commercial campaign in the 1980's and '90's. His catchphrase "Time to make the donuts" made him a pop culture landmark. Sadly, the actor that played Fred passed away four years ago due to complications from diabetes (or Sugar AIDS as it's known in the Chip Wesley home).
Strengths: John Goodman provides the voiceover in their ad campaigns; heavy concentration of stores in Chicago which aid in ThunderFist hangovers; coffee actually tastes good
Weaknesses: Strong affiliation with Patriots and Red Sox; queer logo; need to move out West
Fun Fact: On one television spot, Rachel Ray promoted Dunkin' Donuts while wearing a peculiar scarf. Conservative pundits called for the company to pull the ad, claiming the scarf was similar to that worn by Yasser Arafat, and was thus supportive of terrorism.
The Assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand
The assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand is widely held as the precipitating factor that spurned the beginning of World War I (or The Great War as grandpa called it). Younger generations, however, know him only as "the guy that that shitty Scottish band named themselves after." The groups and actors which played a part in the archduke's assassination are shrouded in the the same lore one might expect from a Dan Brown novel. In fact, the events of that day were a comedy of errors, befitting of an Ocean's 14 screenplay. In a nutshell: Franz Ferdinand was an archduke of the Austria-Hungary. Basically, Serbs were trying to get the southern Slavic provinces to to break away from the Austro-Hungarian Empire in order to re-form Serbia or Yugoslavia. A secret society known as Black Hand had decided that a logical course of action would be to kill a high ranking member of the Empire and escalate tensions. Six young men were recruited to take out Ferdinand. As the archduke passed through Sarajevo in a motorcade, the six men were stationed along the route. Most had a grenade and/or pistol. As the motorcade passed, the first two assassins failed to act. The third threw a grenade, which blew one car but did not kill anyone. Following instructions, the assassin swallowed a cyanide pill and jumped into the Miljacka River. Unfortunately for him, the cyanide pill only induced vomiting, and the river was only four inches deep. Talk about an epic FAIL. The remaining assassins walked away in the ensuing hoopla. Shortly afterward, the motorcade continued on. One of the assassins, Gavrilo Princip, was eating a sandwich at a deli when the cars rolled by. As anyone involved in a secret society knows, you keep going until the job is done. Princip seized the new opportunity, and shot the archduke in the neck. The rest, as they say, is history.
Strengths: indirectly led to the creation of the armored vehicle industry; subsequent research into more effective cyanide pills, which Hitler would eventually take; finally got rid of that insipid Austria-Hungary
Weaknesses: gave Serbs a bad name; inadvertently led to thousands of high school students having to read All Quiet on the Western Front; um, started World War I
Fun Fact: Princip died of tuberculosis in prison before he could serve his full sentence, which was only 20 years anyway.
10:30 AM | Comments (0) | by Arcturus
Well, the "mystery team" rumor turned out to be a complete load of shit. Big surprise there. According to Carrie Muskat, the Cubs are now "scrambling" to deal Bradley. Fantastic. When I think of the word "scrambling" a little movie of the Keystone Kops appears in my head, coupled with the music from Bennie Hill, two things I don't want associated with my major league baseball team.
The way things are looking right now, unloading Aarons Miles and Heilman might be the highlight of the offseason. If that ends up being the case, I'll . . .I'll . . . fuck. We all know that I'm not going to stop watching this team. And neither are any of you, since you bothered to come here.
7:00 AM | Comments (1) | by Ginger Russ
Today's match: HBO vs. Piet Mondrian
Strengths: Swearing, violence and nudity for starters. Original programming and the ability to watch free movies (as free as paying for a premium cable channel gets). No commercials.
Weaknesses: It's not really "More Than You Imagined™", it's the same 'ole HBO. Movies and programming gets repetitive.
Fun Fact: The first program and film broadcast on HBO, Sometimes a Great Notion, starred Paul Newman and Henry Fonda.
Mondrian (as he was known by everyone except his mother, who affectionately called him "Little Peter") was a Dutch painter born on March 7, 1872 and was the most famous painter of the De Stijl art movement, which of course was named after an early White Stripes album. His paintings consisted of a white background, onto which black horizontal and verticals lines were painted and then filled with the three primary colors. At a time when art was going through major changes, Mondrian's Neo-Plasticism laughed in the face of critics and the general public as well, being one of the first artists to evoke the "If I can paint it, it's not art" attitude of ignorant "critics" around the world. Mondrian's art introduction came at a very early age as his father was a qualified drawing teacher. He would go onto to become a teacher at the Academy for Fine Art in Amsterdam, where he primarily worked in the Dutch Impressionist Manner of the Hague School. In 1912, Mondrian moved to Paris, where he was highly influenced by the Cubist movement and artists such as Picasso and Braque. In 1914 he returned to the Netherlands where along with artists Van der Leck and Van Doesburg he founded the De Stijl, in which the artist's theories signaled a complete break from representational painting.
From 1919 to 1938 Mondrian worked in Paris and then from 1938-1944 he moved between London and New York, continuing his style of thick black lines on a white background with boxes of the primary colors scattered throughout. His most famous painting, Composition with Red, Blue and Yellow (above), perfectly exhibits the principals of Neo-Plasticism which Mondrian strove for throughout his entire career. In 1944, Mondrian died of pneumonia in New York. Mondrian's influence on the world can still be seen today, traditionally in the furniture and architecture of the world's greatest designer: Ikea.
Strengths: Unlike other Minimalists like Barnett Newman and Mark Rothko, Mondrian was not bat-shit crazy.
Weaknesses: His artwork is most recognizable by non-cultured people as the early reason why Modern art is such a disaster.
Fun Fact: In May, 2008 Nike released the SB Dunk, styled after the work of Piet Mondrian.
10:16 AM | Comments (0) | by Adam Blank
Because A John Waters Christmas is one of those rare Christmas CDs with a parental advisory sticker on it, you might assume that it's just another entry in the overpopulated subgenre of anti-Christmas novelty songs. That's not the case. A John Waters Christmas serves as a musical orphanage for Christmas songs that the 20th century didn't want to own up to. It's a tender and earnest attempt to put listeners in the holiday spirit; sort of like a choir of mentally challenged children slogging their way through "Silent Night."
The album is book-ended with songs about black Santa Clauses. Setting the tone for the entire compilation, the opening track, "Fat Daddy," is a lighthearted R&B ditty sung by Fat Daddy, the Baltimore DJ who was Waters' inspiration for the Motor Mouth Maybelle character in Hairspray. Fat Daddy proclaims himself "Santa Claus with soul," and who are we to argue?
The much more surreal "Santa Claus Is A Black Man" closes this collection. Sung by an African American child with a lisp, the boy discovers the truth about Santa. This may be the only Christmas song to mention somebody having an afro. The chorus is sure to be stuck in your head well into the New Year, unless The Man has anything to say about it.
No whacky Christmas compilation would be complete without efforts from Tiny Tim & The Chipmunks. Tiny Tim's rendition of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is so syrupy that you'll need to keep a dose of insulin on standby. The Chipmunk's interpretation of "Sleigh Ride" is, surprisingly, one of the best versions of the song I've ever heard. The aggressive nature of the sped-up vocals captures the true essence of the song.
"Happy Birthday Jesus" is a poem recited against a backdrop of "Silent Night." Little Cindy, the young girl who reads the poem, has a southern drawl and a voice so high that it makes Tiny Tim look like a baritone. This song was obviously recorded in one take, as Cindy flubs her lines but continues on, probably with an angry adult glowering at her in the recording studio. Fortunately, the other kid-sung track, "Sleigh Bells, Reindeer and Snow" is a decent country tune that accurately captures the magic of Christmas Eve in the minds of children.
"Here Comes Fatty Claus" is the track that warrants the parental advisory sticker. A redneck posse, upset that they go into debt every Christmas, sings their rallying cry to trashy white people everywhere, culminating in a chorus of "Here comes Fatty with his sack of shit, and all them stinkin' reindeer." You can't make this stuff up.
"Little Mary Christmas" is a story set to music abut a poor girl whose parents died when she was a baby. She happens to be named Mary Christmas, and is rotting in an orphanage, just waiting to be adopted. Even though she hobbles around on crutches, she holds out hope that someone will give her a new home. This song exploits everything we're taught to feel about the holidays. It doesn't tug at the heartstrings but instead tries to yank them out at the root.
"I Wish You A Merry Christmas" is a legitimate R&B track sang by Little Eva of "The Loco-Motion" fame. It's a wonderfully upbeat holiday song that seems like it fell of Phil Spector's Christmas album and somehow landed here.
We get some old school country in "Santa Don't Pass Me By," about a broken-hearted man trying to get home for Christmas by hitching a ride with Santa.
"Christmas Time is Coming" is a classy a cappella song that lacks the trashy pop aesthetics of the other tracks, making it seem woefully out of place on this album. The group, Stormy Weather, hails from Hammond, Indiana; the same town that A Christmas Story sprang from.
Without a doubt, the true gem on this album is "First Snowfall," an instrumental track featuring, of all things, a Theremin. Without words, sleigh bells, church bells, or any other typical holiday motif, it manages to capture the dream-like wonder of the holidays. Performed by the Chicago-based "garage jazz" band, The Coctails, this song would enlarge the Grinch's heart and make Scrooge understand the true meaning of Christmas; all without uttering a fucking word.
*I accosted John Waters at the Biograph Theater in 2002!
8:40 AM | Comments (0) | by Arcturus
Rumors are that two to three other teams beside the Rays are interested in Bradley, meaning there's two to four GMs in baseball possibly dumber than Jim Hendry.
The Bradley for Burrell rumors continue to percolate and Royals' GM Dayton Moore shot down a rumor that the Royals and Cubs were discussing a Bradley for Gil Meche deal.
3:30 PM | Comments (0) | by T.R.
Today's match: Kanye West vs. The Enron Scandal
Kanye West, as all of you know, is a prominent rapper, producer, musician, fashionista, and all-around insufferable douche. West rose to prominence as producer for Roc-A-Fella Records. He achieved notoriety for his work on Jay-Z's album The Blueprint, which was released moments after the Twin Towers were hit by the Iraqis on September 11, 2001. He has since released four solo albums of his own: The College Dropout (2004), Late Registration (2005), Graduation (2007), and 808s & Heartbreak (2008). His album Graduation was originally set to be released on September 18, 2007. However, (supposedly) noting the impending anniversary of our nation's darkest day, West had the release date moved to September 11. He would once again upstage the anniversary of our country's greatest domestic tragedy by being arrested on September 11, 2008 at Los Angeles International Airport following an altercation with a photographer. Though a genuine philanthropist at heart, West has gained most of his media attention due to his uproarious public meltdowns. From the infamous declaration at A Concert for Hurricane Relief that "George Bush doesn't care about black people", to his numerous award show acceptance speech interruptions, Kanye West is the entertainment industry's poster child of a "negative attention-getter".
Strengths: understands how to make himself the center of attention; musically inclined; charity work
Weaknesses: acts like a petulant child in public; believes he is God's gift; tendency to speak without thinking first
Fun Fact: Kanye's mother, Donda West, died in 2007 from complications following plastic surgery.
Enron was a Houston-based energy company founded by Kenneth Lay in 1985. The rise and fall of Enron is perhaps the most notable example of free market FAIL in U.S. history. Chief executives of Enron (including former CFO Andrew Fastow, former President, CEO and COO Jeffrey Skilling, and former Chairman and CEO Lay) used creative accounting practices to hide billions of dollars in debt, effectively pulling the proverbial wool over the eyes of Wall Street throughout the 1990s. Their particular brand of corporate malfeasance allowed Enron to portray itself as a genuine American success story, with a diversified portfolio that pushed it's stock price to $90 per share in mid-2000. Unfortunately for their employees and shareholders, the wheels jumped off the track in August of 2001. Skilling stepped down as CEO (after selling off 450,000 shares for a $33 million profit) as pressure mounted for Enron to open it's books. When the World Trade Center and Pentagon were attacked on September 11, 2001, Enron executives pointed and said "look over there!" as they grabbed their briefcases and ran in the opposite direction to the tune of "Yakety Sax". Ultimately, shareholders lost $74 billion leading up to Enron's collapse. Over 20,000 former employees, some of which lost hundreds of thousands of dollars in shares, won a paltry $3,100 for their troubles in a subsequent lawsuit.
Strengths: ability to work the system; generous executive compensation; woke America up to corporate greed
Weaknesses: chief executives are all currently in jail or dead; families destroyed; lost naming rights to the Astros ballpark
Fun Fact: Enron's original name was Enteron, which roughly translated to "intestines" in Greek. The name was thus changed.
2:51 PM | Comments (0) | by Arcturus
Here at the Saloon we wish Thunder the best of luck in the Far East. Watch out for the blowfish, buddy.
5:32 PM | Comments (0) | by Wolter
I mean, don't get me wrong, Jake Fox has a decent bat, but he was a worse fielder than this site's namesake.
And more importantly, with this move the 2010 Cubs will be AARON FREE!
9:01 AM | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan
For the second straight season a wild card pick proved to be the deciding factor. White Chili's pick of Patrick Swayze catapulted him into the lead spot, which he easily maintained for the remainder of the season.
Of course this has now led to the "Swayze Rule" which takes effect starting in the 2010 season, in which no person may be drafted as a wild card if they are suffering a terminal illness with a prognosis of less than a year to live at the time of the draft.
Of course Death League 2010 has already begun at the stroke of midnight on Black Friday. later this week I will post a recap of this year's Wild Card draft as well as the full rosters for the new season.
Here are the final standings for 2009.
|1.||White Chili||Farrah Fawcett, Walter Cronkite, Patrick Swayze||30 |
|2.||Brant Brown||Bettie Page, Chuck Daly, David Carradine, Les Paul||16 |
|3.||Chaim Witz||Carl Pohlad, Ricardo Montalban, Dom DeLuise, Ted Kennedy||15 |
|4.||The Hundley||Eartha Kitt, Paul Harvey, Robert McNamara||8 |
|5.||Daft Funk||Jack Kemp||6 |
|6.||Chip Wesley||Ed McMahon||3 |
|6.||Jordi||Bea Arthur||3 |
|8.||Arcturus||Karl Malden||1 |
|9.||Governor X||-||0 |
|9.||Tommy Buzanis||-||0 |
|9.||Lingering Bursitis||-||0 |
1:32 PM | Comments (0) | by Ginger Russ
1. You will not be able to eat as much as Jim Hendry, Lou Piniella, or Geovany Soto on a pot bender this Thanksgiving, even if you are wearing your super stretchy stretch pants or decided to just wear a "Snuggie" and nothing else. Give your stomach a break and keep it to three or four plates of food (plus dessert, of course). Remember, the gravy boat is for everyone, it's not just a fancy looking glass even if it is placed directly in front of you at the table.
2. Do not act upon that awkward attraction to your new cousin whose mother just married your Uncle Jack. Sure, there is no blood relationship between you two, and getting away from the family and your crazy Uncle's war stories to go fool around in the laundry room might seem like a good idea at the time, especially after more than a few rum and cokes, but you are going to have to see this person at least a couple times a year. There is no breaking up with family and it can only lead to uncomfortable glances and having to avoid this person for the rest of your life, or until your Uncle Jack finds a new gold digger.
3. When deciding on whether or not to participate in the after-dinner game of tackle football, we realize some of you may be delusional in grasping the concept of aging. Just make sure to ask yourself, "Does my insurance cover back/hip surgery?" If the answer is yes, then go ahead, enjoy. If not, you might want to arm chair quarterback this year's game.
4. Deep Fried Turkey: best attempted before hitting the tequila.
5. Leave politics to the politicians. Sure, you might feel the need to tell everyone about how Obama is fucking up this country and point out every little fucking detail about it, but really, no one gives a shit about your warped hidden racist views.
And finally, give thanks, it's Thanksgiving Day for fucks sake. Not sure what to give thanks for this year after you lost your job, your wife and girlfriend left you and didn't even leave the dog and that 10 speed with frozen tires is your new "ride"? Well, here are some simple things that the bartenders are thankful for this year*:
Daft Funk: Titties
Chaim Witz: The fact that KISS will never die
Dave Thomas: Cotton balls
Chip Wesley: Sneaking into "New Moon"
The Hundley: The Biggest Loser
Brant Brown: Hating me...and everything for that matter
White Chili: Mousetraps
Lingering Bursitis: Scotch eggs
Arcturus: Diet soda
Adam Blank: Obscure horror movies and vodka
And me, I'm thankful for all of you, reading this shit I put forth into words, errors and all, both here and at College of Idiots. Happy Thanksgiving, and enjoy your fucking mashed potatoes!
*None of the bartenders actually approve the things they give thanks for, I just made them up.
3:44 AM | Comments (0) | by Adam Blank
Perhaps Thanksgiving suffers because we don't have one special movie to put us all in the spirit of the holiday. Christmas has It's A Wonderful Life. Halloween has Halloween. But what do we, as a culture, have as our traditional Thanksgiving film? Nothing comes to mind. Certainly almost every sitcom has a Thanksgiving episode. But aside from the WKRP episode, they pretty much all suck. And, yes, there are a few movies that center around Thanksgiving, but they're typically schmaltzy and dull. And there's the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving special, but that shit is depressing. So I propose that we Americans settle on an official movie for Thanksgiving that exemplifies our values, accurately reflects our history, has something vague connection to turkeys, and shows some tits. Fellow Americans, I'd like to nominate the pro-Christian, anti-drug exploitation epic Blood Freak.
To better evaluate just how uniquely American Blood Freak is, I've assigned "American Points" to certain objects, actions & concepts expressed throughout the film that exemplify our culture. Although I will not explain how these points are awarded, I will tell you that they're based on an extremely rigid scale and are not arbitrarily assigned by some drunk guy. So here we go...
As the movie begins, our chain-smoking omnipotent narrator babbles on about "change & fate." We learn that any one of us can be a catalyst for change, even "a pretty girl with a problem." (Chain-smoking: +2 American points, vaguely philosophical bullshit about fate & catalysts for change: +1 American point)
Our hero, Herschell, is riding down the Florida turnpike on a badass chopper. He pulls over to help out a stranded motorist, who happens to be the aforementioned "pretty girl with a problem." (Chopper: +3 American points. Florida turnpike: -1 American point.)
She takes Herschell to her house. She shares the house with her much hotter sister, who is having a 70's style swinger/drug party! The good sister asks Herschell not to partake in any of the debauchery, and Herschell, home after a stint in 'Nam, isn't going to rock the boat. The good sister then admonishes the bad sister for her drug use, and reminds her that her body is a temple for the Holy Spirit.
Hot sister: +4 American points. Swinger/pot party: +10 American points.
Viet Nam: +6 American points. Religious fervor: +4 American points.
Herschell is hit on by a married woman at the party, but keeps up the good guy act by rebuffing her advances. She tells him that he's "nothing but a dumb bastard who doesn't know where it's at anyway!" Refusing sex: -5 American points. The woman's priceless comeback: +5 American points.
The bad sister also takes a liking to Herschell, but he's holding out for the good sister (i.e. his meal ticket), and passes up a ridiculously easy lay. Seeking vengeance, she conspires with the local drug dealer (who happens to be the same guy whose wife wanted to have sex with Herschell) and they plot to get Herschell hooked on drugs. (Turning down sex: -5. Revenge: +3.)
Herschell meets the girls' father, who owns a poultry ranch. +7
Herschell bullshits his way into getting a job at the poultry ranch. +5
To earn his keep around the house, Herschell helps out by cleaning out the swimming pool. The bad sister puts on a bikini and tries to seduce Herschell again. When that fails, she smokes pot, then proceeds to get him to smoke a joint by mocking his prudish ways. He gets stoned and laughs manically. They eventually make love on a tacky bedspread, and we get a brief shot of the bad sister's tits. (In-ground Swimming pool: +2, bikini: +5, succumbing to drug use via peer pressure initiated by hot slut: +7, brief tit shot: +6. )
After the night of passion, Herschell wakes up late for work. In the ensuing pandemonium, we get a brief shot of the bad sister's ass. At work, some food scientists inform Herschell that he can make extra money by eating turkey that was injected with an experimental drug. Rather than actually do work, Herschell agrees to get paid to eat turkey. The scientists tell him that the eating of the drugged turkey will take place the following day. (Being late for your first day of work: +6, ass shot: +4, opting to get paid for eating: +10)
Herschell goes about his workday, happily tossing turkeys over a fence, but soon goes through serious drug withdrawal. Apparently, the pot Herschell smoked was laced with something. He twitches his way home and convinces the slutty sister to get him more drugs. The drug dealer gives Herschell more of the stuff, and Herschell threatens to beat his ass if the drug supply runs dry. (Tossing live animals around: +3, drug withdrawal: +1)
The next day, Herschell is handed an entire roasted turkey at work. He eats the majority of it, then starts to feel funny, eventually collapsing and going into convulsions. One of the food scientists finds him and dumps his twitching body in a ditch away from the poultry farm. (Gluttony: +8, dumping the body of a person in need of medical treatment: +9)
In the ditch where the food scientist left him, Herschell transforms into a turkey-headed monster that craves the blood of junkies! He goes on a killing spree of modest proportions. (Becoming a turkey-headed monster with a craving for junkie blood: +30)
We're only halfway through the movie, and Blood Freak already has 130 American points! That doesn't include the remainder of the movie where a victim has his leg sawed off (an actual amputee was used), the drug dealer gets his comeuppance, the narrator talks about addiction while smoking & having a coughing fit, and Herschell is saved through the power of prayer! Let's see how the first half of Blood Freak compares to the other nominations:
The Ice Storm: 49
Home For the Holidays: 32
A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving: 21
The Star Wars Holiday Special: 14
Clearly, Blood Freak is the quintessential movie for the Thanksgiving holiday. And if you don't agree, well then you're nothing but a dumb bastard who doesn't know where it's at anyway!
9:31 AM | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan
5:01 PM | Comments (0) | by Ginger Russ
The scene is this: a couple weekends ago I decided to make mashed potatoes to accompany the Beef Bourguignon I was making for traditional gameday feast that we have when my friends and I get together for the Bears games on Sunday. Like most Americans, I prefer my mashed potatoes of the real variety. None of that boxed, dried, or Country Crock in-a-tub shit. Unlike most Americans though, I make my own mashed potatoes, which I was grossly unaware of when I went on my extremely long and frustrating journey to find a hand potato masher. You see, I don't own a mixer, like Rachael Ray I don't bake, and I also prefer my mashed potatoes to be a little lumpy. You know, some texture so that it doesn't taste like grandma's nursing home food.
I was sure the aisle with all the kitchen gadgets in the grocery store would have one, no problem I assumed. But you know what they say about people who assume don't you? So when the grocery store that I went to purchase the potatoes, butter, cream, cheese, bacon and scallions (I was making cheddar-bacon mashers) didn't have one I didn't fret. Surely the Target next to my house would have one, it's even one of those "Super" Targets. But like I was saying, you know what they say about people who make assumptions.
Fifteen minutes at staring into a 30 foot long aisle of every kitchen gadget ever known to man outside of the Bed, Bath and Beyond store later I felt like someone was playing a horrible joke on me. With only 30 minutes till the Bears game kickoff and all my friends on their way to my house, I was astounded that even though Target carried 10 "sandwich crust removers" (apparently knives are too difficult to operate nowadays), they didn't carry any potato mashers. Well, this just couldn't be right, I had to ask an employee if they were just out and had some in the back, even though the 2 empty rings were clearly not marked for potato mashers.
I know we throw the term around pretty loosely here at the Saloon, but I truly believe this to be a War Criminal: people that wear red shirts in Target. Why the fuck would you wear a red shirt in Target unless you are there specifically to fuck with me when I need to find something? I must have walked up to at least 3 different people before I realized they were just shoppers and not employees. And fuck Target for not handing out real uniforms. What, they can't afford them? Have you ever noticed that the employees get to pick their own red shirt to wear, and they usually pick one that is so common that fifteen customers in the store will also be wearing the same exact shirt at that moment?
After FINALLY finding an actual employee I was told that they didn't have any and that they also thought it was strange that they didn't carry them. Fucking-a-right it's strange. But I guess it's just America today, too lazy to mash their own potatoes. Fortunately, the good people across the street at Walmart (like I said, I never shop at Walmart, but am reconsidering) had a potato masher, even if it was basically a 3" plastic circle with a couple holes punched into it that was attached to a handle flexible enough to be a Chinese gymnast. I might as well have used my hands to mash those potatoes. So my point is this, 'Merica, if you plan on mashing your own potatoes this Thanksgiving and don't have a masher or a mixer, make sure to reserve an hour of your day to travel to Bed, Bath and Beyond to get a real, old-school metal masher. Enjoy your fucking potatoes!
7:00 AM | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz
Listen, I love a good bike ride, I really do. Get some fresh air, get the blood flowing, see the beautiful sights of Chicago. It's economical, it's good for your body and it helps clear the mind. But for the love of Lance Armstrong's one remaining testicle, just stop with the reckless night time bike riding. Given the fact that the majority of most roadways don't have dedicated bike lanes and the streets here are skinner than your emo-stunted cock make this practice even more absurd.
If you want to do some organized late ride, that's cool. But when I see you run a stop sign, hog the lane or flippantly dismiss the rules of the road, I can't help but want to see bodily harm come to you. At the very least, I'd like to go to your house, drink all of your PBR, switch all of your radio presets to HOT A/C, superglue the pages of your graphic novels and show your girlfriend how a real man makes love.
I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings (no I'm not). You can always take solace in the fact that Death Cab for Cutie are still releasing albums and no one has touched your soy milk that's been sitting in the work fridge for a solid 6 weeks. Better hop on the ole' 12 speed and head over to Jewel at midnight to replace that shit and buy a pack of Lucky Strikes. Just know that I'll be in my car....watching....waiting...
7:00 AM | Comments (1) | by Adam Blank
Justin has a mediocre but stable life. He's a good student and the star of his high school's swim team. His swimming prowess has begun to make him popular with the cool kids. He has an attractive but prudish girlfriend, a mother prone to overreacting, a passive father, and an impressionable younger brother. But Justin's entire life collapses like a house of cards when he innocently clicks on a link to a porn site sent to him by his friend.
At that very moment, Justin becomes obsessed with internet pornography. And energy drinks. But, oddly enough, NOT masturbation. Apparently, Justin succeeded where I failed; in replacing jacking off with Rock Star. If the kid would have just rubbed one out, his entire life would still be fine. Justin didn't...
The energy drinks keep Justin awake late one night, and while looking at what passes for internet porn on Lifetime, his mother barges into his room to see why he isn't asleep. He quickly tries to turn off the computer, but his mother saw the vaguely lurid images. She attempts to go back to bed, but she's just too shaken up over the whole thing, so she decides to wake up her husband in the middle of the night and demand he talk to Justin about the evils of pornography. He tells her that Justin is a normal boy, but that only angers his cunt of a wife, so he has to promise to give Justin a vague lecture later so his nagging wife will let him sleep.
The next day, Justin's life starts its downward spiral when he underperforms at swimming practice. To make it worse, Justin begins to notice that high school girls dress like sluts. And he likes it! In just two days, internet porn causes Justin to objectify every woman he sees. His father's halfhearted lecture doesn't help matters, and Justin's appetite for porn and Red Bull grows.
A day or two later, Justin is viewing more porn when his younger brother busts him and insists that he get to look at the porno or he'll tell mom. Jesus Christ, Justin! Lock your fucking door already. Justin reluctantly obliges and it fries his little bro's brain! But Justin just can't stop showing porn to others; it's the nature of the beast!
Soon after ruining his brother's life, Justin is hanging out at Timmy's house. Timmy is the guy who got Justin hooked on the hard stuff by sending him the link at the beginning of the movie. Instead of playing more video games, Justin suggests they look up porn and pulls up some latex fetish site that looked more like an ad to a performance art showcase than hardcore pornography. But it's apparently too much for Timmy, who isn't cool with this "twisted" stuff, and Justin leaves.
In the safety of his own room, Justin visits the webcam site of the local high school slut/porn star and begins chatting with her while drinking an obscene amount of Red Bull. He tells her how "Amaaaaazing" she is. Can Justin really be considering having sex with the easy hot chick instead of waiting for his wholesome girlfriend's vagina to defrost?
If this brief synopsis of the first half of the movie sounds a bit over the top, it's got NOTHING on the second half of the movie. Some highlights of the rest include:
• Justin being ostracized by his peers.
• The Virgin Vaginas!
• Justin getting suspended from school.
• Justin's mom seeking the guidance of a friend whose "marriage was destroyed because of internet pornography."
• Justin seeking out sleazy back rooms in the bad part of town to get his porn fix.
• A vicious beating.
• And one of the most inexplicable scenes in the history of motion pictures, which can only be hinted at with this picture...
None of those spoilers can detract from the glorious train wreck that is Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life. Although Lifetime touted this movie as a provocative depiction of a modern social ill, it's got the accuracy and sensibility of Reefer Madness. The director is the same guy who directed Friday the 13th Part VI. He also directed the equally absurd Lifetime classic, She's Too Young, about the freshman class blowjob syphilis outbreak.
Probably because Lifetime doesn't want us watching their movies ironically, Cyber Seduction is not available on DVD. You might be able to download it somewhere, or you can watch the movie in installments on YouTube. If you're lucky enough to get Lifetime or the Lifetime Movie Network, you can always check their listings (it isn't scheduled to air again this month). This movie must be viewed in groups, and it doesn't hurt to have a few drinks handy.