For Your Consideration: Blood Freak

November 24, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Adam Blank

Being sandwiched between Halloween and Christmas, Thanksgiving never gets its due. Even with all the great traditions associated with it (like tofurkey, Detroit Lions football, and arguing with your siblings while drunk), Thanksgiving is regarded as a mere halfway point between two more exciting holidays. And this is a shame. As Americans, Thanksgiving is a holiday that's unique to our culture...unless you count Canada, Grenada and a couple other countries that celebrate it. But fuck 'em.

Perhaps Thanksgiving suffers because we don't have one special movie to put us all in the spirit of the holiday. Christmas has It's A Wonderful Life. Halloween has Halloween. But what do we, as a culture, have as our traditional Thanksgiving film? Nothing comes to mind. Certainly almost every sitcom has a Thanksgiving episode. But aside from the WKRP episode, they pretty much all suck. And, yes, there are a few movies that center around Thanksgiving, but they're typically schmaltzy and dull. And there's the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving special, but that shit is depressing. So I propose that we Americans settle on an official movie for Thanksgiving that exemplifies our values, accurately reflects our history, has something vague connection to turkeys, and shows some tits. Fellow Americans, I'd like to nominate the pro-Christian, anti-drug exploitation epic Blood Freak.

To better evaluate just how uniquely American Blood Freak is, I've assigned "American Points" to certain objects, actions & concepts expressed throughout the film that exemplify our culture. Although I will not explain how these points are awarded, I will tell you that they're based on an extremely rigid scale and are not arbitrarily assigned by some drunk guy. So here we go...

As the movie begins, our chain-smoking omnipotent narrator babbles on about "change & fate." We learn that any one of us can be a catalyst for change, even "a pretty girl with a problem." (Chain-smoking: +2 American points, vaguely philosophical bullshit about fate & catalysts for change: +1 American point)

Our hero, Herschell, is riding down the Florida turnpike on a badass chopper. He pulls over to help out a stranded motorist, who happens to be the aforementioned "pretty girl with a problem." (Chopper: +3 American points. Florida turnpike: -1 American point.)

She takes Herschell to her house. She shares the house with her much hotter sister, who is having a 70's style swinger/drug party! The good sister asks Herschell not to partake in any of the debauchery, and Herschell, home after a stint in 'Nam, isn't going to rock the boat. The good sister then admonishes the bad sister for her drug use, and reminds her that her body is a temple for the Holy Spirit.

Hot sister: +4 American points. Swinger/pot party: +10 American points.
Viet Nam:
+6 American points. Religious fervor: +4 American points.

Herschell is hit on by a married woman at the party, but keeps up the good guy act by rebuffing her advances. She tells him that he's "nothing but a dumb bastard who doesn't know where it's at anyway!" Refusing sex: -5 American points. The woman's priceless comeback: +5 American points.

The bad sister also takes a liking to Herschell, but he's holding out for the good sister (i.e. his meal ticket), and passes up a ridiculously easy lay. Seeking vengeance, she conspires with the local drug dealer (who happens to be the same guy whose wife wanted to have sex with Herschell) and they plot to get Herschell hooked on drugs. (Turning down sex: -5. Revenge: +3.)

Herschell meets the girls' father, who owns a poultry ranch. +7
Herschell bullshits his way into getting a job at the poultry ranch. +5

To earn his keep around the house, Herschell helps out by cleaning out the swimming pool. The bad sister puts on a bikini and tries to seduce Herschell again. When that fails, she smokes pot, then proceeds to get him to smoke a joint by mocking his prudish ways. He gets stoned and laughs manically. They eventually make love on a tacky bedspread, and we get a brief shot of the bad sister's tits. (In-ground Swimming pool: +2, bikini: +5, succumbing to drug use via peer pressure initiated by hot slut: +7, brief tit shot: +6. )

After the night of passion, Herschell wakes up late for work. In the ensuing pandemonium, we get a brief shot of the bad sister's ass. At work, some food scientists inform Herschell that he can make extra money by eating turkey that was injected with an experimental drug. Rather than actually do work, Herschell agrees to get paid to eat turkey. The scientists tell him that the eating of the drugged turkey will take place the following day. (Being late for your first day of work: +6, ass shot: +4, opting to get paid for eating: +10)

Herschell goes about his workday, happily tossing turkeys over a fence, but soon goes through serious drug withdrawal. Apparently, the pot Herschell smoked was laced with something. He twitches his way home and convinces the slutty sister to get him more drugs. The drug dealer gives Herschell more of the stuff, and Herschell threatens to beat his ass if the drug supply runs dry. (Tossing live animals around: +3, drug withdrawal: +1)

The next day, Herschell is handed an entire roasted turkey at work. He eats the majority of it, then starts to feel funny, eventually collapsing and going into convulsions. One of the food scientists finds him and dumps his twitching body in a ditch away from the poultry farm. (Gluttony: +8, dumping the body of a person in need of medical treatment: +9)

In the ditch where the food scientist left him, Herschell transforms into a turkey-headed monster that craves the blood of junkies! He goes on a killing spree of modest proportions. (Becoming a turkey-headed monster with a craving for junkie blood: +30)

We're only halfway through the movie, and Blood Freak already has 130 American points! That doesn't include the remainder of the movie where a victim has his leg sawed off (an actual amputee was used), the drug dealer gets his comeuppance, the narrator talks about addiction while smoking & having a coughing fit, and Herschell is saved through the power of prayer! Let's see how the first half of Blood Freak compares to the other nominations:

Patton: 95
The Ice Storm: 49
Home For the Holidays: 32
A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving: 21
The Star Wars Holiday Special: 14

Clearly, Blood Freak is the quintessential movie for the Thanksgiving holiday. And if you don't agree, well then you're nothing but a dumb bastard who doesn't know where it's at anyway!