Happy Thanksgiving everybody! As you all settle into your La-Z-boy and zone out watching football while the your in-laws bicker about which parent made your cousin Chad "gay", please remember a couple of things.
1. You will not be able to eat as much as Jim Hendry, Lou Piniella, or Geovany Soto on a pot bender this Thanksgiving, even if you are wearing your super stretchy stretch pants or decided to just wear a "Snuggie" and nothing else. Give your stomach a break and keep it to three or four plates of food (plus dessert, of course). Remember, the gravy boat is for everyone, it's not just a fancy looking glass even if it is placed directly in front of you at the table.
2. Do not act upon that awkward attraction to your new cousin whose mother just married your Uncle Jack. Sure, there is no blood relationship between you two, and getting away from the family and your crazy Uncle's war stories to go fool around in the laundry room might seem like a good idea at the time, especially after more than a few rum and cokes, but you are going to have to see this person at least a couple times a year. There is no breaking up with family and it can only lead to uncomfortable glances and having to avoid this person for the rest of your life, or until your Uncle Jack finds a new gold digger.
3. When deciding on whether or not to participate in the after-dinner game of tackle football, we realize some of you may be delusional in grasping the concept of aging. Just make sure to ask yourself, "Does my insurance cover back/hip surgery?" If the answer is yes, then go ahead, enjoy. If not, you might want to arm chair quarterback this year's game.
4. Deep Fried Turkey: best attempted before hitting the tequila.
5. Leave politics to the politicians. Sure, you might feel the need to tell everyone about how Obama is fucking up this country and point out every little fucking detail about it, but really, no one gives a shit about your warped hidden racist views.
And finally, give thanks, it's Thanksgiving Day for fucks sake. Not sure what to give thanks for this year after you lost your job, your wife and girlfriend left you and didn't even leave the dog and that 10 speed with frozen tires is your new "ride"? Well, here are some simple things that the bartenders are thankful for this year*:
Daft Funk: Titties
Chaim Witz: The fact that KISS will never die
Dave Thomas: Cotton balls
Chip Wesley: Sneaking into "New Moon"
The Hundley: The Biggest Loser
Brant Brown: Hating me...and everything for that matter
White Chili: Mousetraps
Lingering Bursitis: Scotch eggs
Arcturus: Diet soda
Adam Blank: Obscure horror movies and vodka
And me, I'm thankful for all of you, reading this shit I put forth into words, errors and all, both here and at College of Idiots. Happy Thanksgiving, and enjoy your fucking mashed potatoes!
*None of the bartenders actually approve the things they give thanks for, I just made them up.
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