Chaiming In: Holiday Edition

December 16, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz

My God, I leave this place for a few months and it all goes to pot. Is this thing on? Does this website work? Are we on the Internet? Is this live? Does my mother still check this site? What about Daft's Mom? (I'm pulling out (of) all of the oldies but goodies!). Let's get down to the bullet points for the last man standing, ergo, reading.
  • I'm being told in my earpiece that there is going to be some new site launching in a few months that is kind of like that cartoon Voltron, whatever that means. Did I let the cat out of the bag? I don't know. But if you were burned when you invested in shares of Pomp Culture, you might want to sit this one out. The details are sketchy, but I can only imagine it involves pornography, t-shirts with wolves, Twittering, the sale of banned prescription drugs, and in some form or another, The Cubs. From all indications, it will involve several new writers and some old ones. The Hundley has been asked to return. Jordi Scrubbings has not.
  • Avatar, for the most part, lives up to the $300 million dollar hype. See it in 3D though, for the love of the Blue Man Group. The visuals are amazing and the last 45 minutes are really unlike anything you've ever witnessed. It's far from the perfect movie: the story is rife with cliches, Sam Worthington's acting is as stiff as Tommy Buzanis on a Cialis bender and things begin to drag about 90 minutes in before picking up again. That said, the action scenes and visuals (the previews don't do them justice) more than compensate for the films flaws, none of which prove fatal. The line, 'you need to see this on the big screen' is probably overused in this day and age of HDTVs and surround sound, but make no doubt about it: you need to see this on the big screen...and in 3D if at all possible. I had a myriad of doubts going in, but walked out of the film a believer. A very solid B+.
  • On the other end of the spectrum is Up in the Air, starring the dashing and well-spoken George Clooney. I don't really feel like giving a detailed review (I'm not your goddamn father), only to say that it is very good, even if it is the antithesis of Avatar. I'm not sure we should crown it Best Picture already like some circles already have, but I can't imagine anyone leaving this one disappointed. Solid entertainment the discerning adult and contemporary male. Let's give this one a B+ as well.
  • "New Fang" by Them Crooked Vultures could very well be the Single of the Year (right up there with Pearl Jam's "The End"). The rest of the album? The jury is still out, but my dick is still in my pants.
  • A War Hero on cheese and crackers is forthcoming. Don't agree with me on that one? Then, by all means, log off the Internet and log onto me murdering you while you sleep.
  • It took me a while to warm up to it, but that show Modern Family on ABC is really good. A poor man's Arrested Development, it's finally given me something to watch on day other than Thursday. For the sake of continuity, lets give that one a B+ as well.
  • Lots of noise being made about Milton Bradley. I'm trying to keep a safe distance away from the hoopla because A) I need a mental break from the Cubs after last season and B) I don't like Milton Bradley and would just prefer that I wake up on April 1st to find him not in the lineup, upon which I will just logically assume that the Cubs managed to trade him for a warm body whose testicles have dropped and has an inclination to hustle and smile (preferably at the same time).
  • Raves: the song 'Relator' (shockingly enough, sung by Pete Yorn and Scarlett Johansson), Rosemary and Olive Oil Triscuits, NFL playoff races, mole sauce, Amazon Prime, Flip Video Ultra HD, HP Pavilion dv6T laptop, Sabra hummus, Simply Limeade, cars with butt warmers.
  • Rants: Semi-trucks, freezing temperatures, grinches, impatient drivers, getting sweets as a Christmas present, genocide.