War Criminal: Specialty Reserved Parking Spots

August 03, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Ginger Russ

GFY Specialty Reserved Parking Spots!

Remember when "Parking for Cub Fans Only" signs were just for your garage? Not today, in which Specialty Reserved Parking Spots are showing up in your grocery, electronic, and even pet store parking lots. Look, I can get on board with the handicapped spot. It makes sense. Maybe the driver has a burning case of hemorrhoids and shouldn't be walking across a crowded mall parking lot. Sure, put them next to the front door. But now I'm starting to see all new reserved spots popping up like like cougars backstage at a Ratt concert.

For Expecting and New Moms Only. For Multiple Children Families Only. For Commuters Only. For Hybrid Cars Only. For Pet Owners Only.

WTF?!? Seriously, why do these a-holes deserve premium parking any more than you or I? And who decided it was a good idea to start this? You know who it was? The guy whose job it is to engineer parking lots and had a real bitch of a wife. Everyday he would come home from his hard day of work plotting out lines, deciding where to put lights and security cameras, and then while he's relaxing in his La-Z Boy, watching the Cubs and drinking a Löwenbräu his wife steps in front of the TV and opens her pie-hole.

"You know what I had to do today?" she shrieks. "I had to walk 30 feet to get to Pier One with little Billy and Jan in my high heels. You make parking lots for a living, why don't you do something about this?"

Everyday he comes home from work, and everyday it's the same bitching and complaining. Until finally he snaps and decides, hey, if I make a spot specifically for my bitchy wife, I won't have to hear this shit anymore. So it was born out of sheer laziness and now like a cancer, everyone thinks they are special and needs their own spot right next to the store's front door too. I seriously cannot park anywhere near the front of the store I need to get into. Even when the first 14 spots are completely empty because apparently there are no pregnant women at the liquor store or hybrid owners at the auto parts dealer, I have to park a mile away just to run into the store for some chewing gum.

So I plead with you America, either we get rid of these worthless reserved parking spots, or we make it so every spot is reserved for something. Why not have a single's only parking spot? Even better, alternate between single guys and single women, that way when you park in your "Single's Only" spot, you know the hot girl parking next to you is available and you won't feel like a creep if you talk to her. Let's make spots for drunks as well? We don't want them driving all over the parking lot, shit faced and prone to hitting innocent bystanders. And don't forget about the bird lover's. They need their own spot too. You could even go as far as to segregate the parking lots. Make special spots for Blacks, Indians, Mexicans and White people. Why not religion while were at it? "Reserved For God's Chosen Only".

See how stupid it all is? So do what I do: when you pull up in your 1985 Chevy S10, park right in that "Hybrid Only" parking spot. What's the worse that could happen, the parking police come and give you a "citation"? And if anyone gives you shit, tell them to go fuck themselves!

Go Cubs!