Happy F-ing Hanukkah Dodger Fans

December 07, 2007 | Comments (0) | by Governor X

Its Hanukkah, the festival of lights...or something. OK, I'll admit it, its just bullshit so Jewish kids don't totally get the shaft at Christmas time. Unless you run into a hasidic Jew with curls, you aren't likely to find one that can tell you what its actual religious significance is.

Back in real life, it means presents...and oh Dodger fans did your dotty old Uncle Ned get you something you won't forget!

Problem is, Ned isn't a Jew. He's an Italian, so he doesn't know what the hell to get you at Hanukkah. He recently married that insufferable Aunt who always asks when you're going to settle down with a nice Jewish girl. He wants to make a good impression on the family and make up for that crappy pen and pencil set he got you for your birthday, so he goes all out...and spends 18 million dollars a year on a career .263 hitter.

Yes, Uncle Ned, once again proving he's the worst Italian since Mussolini, broke the bank to give Dodger fans AndrEw Jones. A career .263 hitting centerfielder coming off his worst year is clearly what a team with too many outfielders needs. It would have been silly to get us that 3rd baseman we've been searching for since Ron Cey left town.

One overpaid, underproducing centerfielder wasn't enough. We needed another. Maybe the plan is to just leave 3rd base vacant. It couldn't be any worse than Nomar trying to play the field over there.

So whats my gripe with Jones aside from the fact another outfielder was completely unnecessary? Well, he doesn't hit for average or get on base a lot. He strikes out a ton and his defense is in decline. He also misspells his first name (which, as you can see, I refuse to play along with). The fact that the Dodgers now have $36 million dollars tied up in this sad sack doesn't help his case either.

So Happy Fucking Hanukkah Dodger fans. Ned and AndrEw...I hate you both.

FYI...if you do a Google image search for "Ned Colletti sucks" this picture of Bananarama comes up: