Monday Afternoon Hangover: Week 16

December 26, 2007 | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan

It's that time of year. Playoff spots are getting clinched, Mel's slapping asses of unsuspecting women, and eggnog is being consumed in hazardous quantities. In this special holiday edition we'll check our list and see who's been naughty or nice.

Pittsburgh 41
St. Louis 24
Nice: Pittsburgh - I've been waffling on their naughty/nice status as of late. Dropping two straight to fellow playoff contenders New England and Jacksonville certainly didn't impress me. They did however bounce back on Thursday and destroy the Rams, but they lost top RB Willie Parker for the season in the process. We'll hold off on the lump of coal for now but you watch your back Pittsburgh.

Naughty: St. Louis - Ugh. I've got a large sack of reindeer shit for you. 3-12 is hardly the season that anyone was expecting. How many times can you duct tape Marc Bulger back together before you consider new options for next season. It'd be a shame if Steven Jackson wasted his best years on a basement dweller.

Carolina 13
Nice: Dallas - They clinched home field advantage with Green Bay's loss and managed to bounce back from the Jessica Simpson curse. Dallas even drew about 10,00x more fans than Jessica did for her recent movie release.

Naughty: Carolina - Holy christ! Rae Carruth was more productive than this team.

Indianapolis 38
Houston 15
Nice: Indianapolis - It pains me to say it, but they're playing as good as anyone right now. The lesser retarded Manning brother has these guys ready to roll in time for the playoffs.

Nice: Houston - How can you really shit on these guys? Does anyone really, REALLY hate the Texans? I mean they've already won 6 more games than Daft Funk thought they'd win all season. At least I think it's six. Shit, I don't know. Sage Rosenfels is their QB and he went to Iowa State. Why can't Iowa produce NFL QB's ever? Who was the last one to make it in the NFL? Chuck Long? And even he didn't exactly make it. I'm rambling....

Jacksonville 49
Oakland 11
Nice: Jacksonville - This team is surging at just the right time. While I still wouldn't be surprised with a first round exit, I also wouldn't be shocked if they were in the AFC Championship. Their run game is boner-inducing.

Naughty: Oakland - At this point aren't fans just praying for Al Davis to die? Speaking of which, how did Al Davis get left off our rosters for Death League 2008? I'm kind of disappointed about that. I'll keep him as well as Bill O'Reilly on the waiting list for Death League '09.

Cincinnati 19
Cleveland 14
Naughty: Cincinnati - Screw you Cincy. You screwed everybody's fantasy season up and now you're screwing up the Cleve's chances of making the playoffs. What ever happpened to the Ickey Shuffle? Ickey never caused any harm.

Naughty: Cleveland - I don't have an excuse for why, other than I don't want to switch them back from the Ravens on the Tecmo simulator for this year's playoffs.

Chicago 35
Green Bay 7
Naughty: Chicago - For God's sake get a quarterback for next season. Please, please please!

Nice: Green Bay - So long as they don't have to play Chicago, the Packers have looked good. Brett Favre's resurgence has been amazing. The media's incredible hard-on for Favre's resurgence has been annoying at best.

New York Giants 38
Buffalo 21
Naughty: New York - 10-5 or not, this team is overrated. So they got ten wins. Only one of those wins came against a team that currently has a winning record, and even then we're talking about the 8-7 Redskins. I'll look forward to the Giants getting bounced in the first round with Eli making his classic "Lobotomized McMurphy" face.

Naughty: Buffalo - See the Giants. Buffalo only has one win against a winning team as well, and that team happens to be Washington as well.

Detroit 25
Kansas City 20
Naughty: Detroit and Kansas City - Flashback to the end of Week 7. The Chiefs were at the top of the AFC West with a 4-3 record, while the Lions were 4-2 and showing signs of making a strong run in the NFC North. Now? Detroit is 7-8 behind Minnesota and Green Bay, and the Chiefs have dropped 8 straight and are tied with the Raiders for last place.

Philadelphia 38
New Orleans 23
Naughty: Philadelphia and New Orleans - Both these teams should probably be in the playoffs and one week from now they'll both be planning for the offseason instead.

San Francisco 21
Tampa Bay 19
Naughty: San Francisco - Wasn't this team everybody's "sleeper" this preseason? The only team to score fewer points this season is Atlanta.

Nice: Tampa Bay - I don't think anyone expected the Buccaneers to play this well. We'll see how they do in the playoffs, especially since Jeff Garcia mysteriously disappeared on their road game against the Niners. Search parties are scouring Castro Street. They speculate that Garcia may be wandering around in buttless chaps.

Arizona 30
Atlanta 27
Nice: Arizona - I don't care that they're 7-8, Kurt Warner played a huge part this week in helping me win the fantasy money league I'm in. Praise Touchdown Jesus!

Naughty: Atlanta - I just feel bad for Falcon fans at this point. They're star QB goes to prison for killing dogs, their head coach quits on them over the phone, and Bill Parcells screws them over by yet again playing "Just the Tip". As Dante in 'Clerks' says, "What's next? Are you going to pour sugar in my gas tank while anally raping my mother?"

Tennessee 10
New York Jets 6
Nice: Tennessee - Give credit to Jeff Fisher as well as Jon Gruden. With teams spinning the seemingly endless coaching carousel, it's nice to see competent coaches quietly win with their teams. Sure they have down years, but they always manage to bring them back time and again.

Naughty: New York - Regardless if he's not the main reason for their terrible season, I just can't ever see the Jets being truly successful in the Chad Pennington era.

Seattle 27
Baltimore 6
Nice: Seattle - I'll at least give Seattle credit for finally emerging out of the putrid NFC West and prove there may be a worthwhile team in that division. However, they did get to play San Francisco and St. Louis twice.... so how tough are they?

Naughty: Baltimore - 4-11, 9 straight losses, pissed away a potential win over New England. See you in hell Brian Billick.

New England 28
Miami 7
Nice: New England - I can't honestly make a 15-0 team naughty, although they've reached the status of the overachieving asshole. You know that guy at work that always goes above and beyond and is very smug about it? The guy that you secret wish would have a terrible "accident" with the paper shredder? Yeah, that's the Patriots.

Naughty: Miami - The Dolphins had very little hope going into the season, and even less as the season progressed. Having a guy named Lemon as your starting QB just seems like a bad omen.

Washington 32
Minnesota 21
Nice: Washington - With the win over Minnesota, the Redskins are in the lead now for the final spot in the NFC playoffs. The 'skins have won 3 straight and seem to be really rallying after the untimely death of Sean Taylor.

Nice: Minnesota - Adrian Peterson has been fantastic this season, but the Vikes have been slumping as of late. Now they need a win and a Washington loss in order to make the playoffs.

San Diego 23
Denver 3
Nice: San Diego - Whatever, I still won't give Norv Turner any credit.

Naughty: Denver - Thanks for making me look like a jackass for picking you to win the Super Bowl. Assholes.

The Golden Nutcup Team
Wear it with pride fellas!

QB - Kurt Warner, ARI (361 yards, 3 TD, made me $650)
RB - Najeh Davenport, PIT (123 yards, 2 TD)
WR - Anquan Boldin, ARI (13 catches, 162 yards, 2 TD)
WR - Jerricho Cotchery, NYJ (8 catches, 152 yards, 1 TD)
TE - Dallas Clark, IND (6 catches, 60 yards, 2 TD)
DEF - Chicago (7 points allowed, 1 sack, 2 interceptions, 2 blocked kicks, 2 TD)

The Flaming Bag Team
Don't put them out with your boot, Harold!

Presidential candidates: I saw 3 different Hillary Clinton ads in a 20 minute span this morning. The ads have officially pissed me off. Also is it too late to Tancredo? How does one Tancredo anyway? I mean besides obviously becoming a batshit crazy xenophobic nutbag?