Monday Afternoon Hangover: Week 17

December 31, 2007 | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz

Ah, Week 17. Wrecking Fantasy Football seasons since the advent of the 16 game schedule. On a positive note, it's the one time each year when Jim Sorgi calls his parents and says, 'Hey ma, I'm gonna play this week. Could you tape it on the VCR? I'm scared.'

Tennessee 16
Indianapolis 10
Only Jesus H. Christ himself can explain how the Titans made the playoffs. The Titans win the coveted award for 'Least Impressive Team to Squeak Into the Playoffs that Scares No One.' The only scary thing about the Titans was after the game, seeing Kerry Collins with his helmet off. He just looked old and drunk. Well, not so much 'looked' as 'is' and 'was'.

Houston 42
Jacksonville 28
Don't be deceived by the score. Jacksonville recalled a bunch of the strike players from 1987 and then filled in their roster with extras from the Keanu Reeves vehicle 'The Replacements'. The fact that this rag tag gang of misfits scored 28 points should be commended and then made into a Disney movie, starring The Rock and Dennis Quaid.

New England 38
New York Football Giants 35
Hmm...I haven't heard much about this game. Didn't even know it was on. Since both teams really had nothing to play for I imagine that it wasn't of much interest to the general populace. I didn't check the box score, but judging from the score any fantasy owner shrewd enough to pick up Matt Cassel or Jared Lorenzon reaped the benefits of this one!

Philadelphia 17
Buffalo 9
This very well may have been Donvan McNabb's last game in Philly. Thus proving, once and for all, that everyone in Philadelphia is racist.

Chicago 33
New Orleans 25

New Orleans was hit by the most devastating storm since Katrina. Hurricane Orton. Any Bears fan who thinks Orton is the 'answer' for next year gets a 5 minute 'whisker rub' from Orton's neckbeard. Note to Drew Brees: Can you do something about that birth mark? I don't like looking at it anymore. Who are you, Cindy Crawford?

Green Bay 34
Detroit 13
Remember when the Lions were good? Neither do I. Jon Kitna was sacked 51 times this year. How is that possible? Unacceptable. Go back to being the Bengals backup where you belong. You're an embarrassment to your team, your family, and most importantly, the Lord. In other news, Terry Bradshaw made love to Bret Favre in the communal showers after the game.

Atlanta 44
Seattle 41

For the second straight week the Falcons put a ton of points on the board. Chris Redman is the poor man's Todd Collins. Seneca Wallace got into the game for the Seahags, making it two Iowa State QB's to see action this week. Take that unknown Iowa Hawkeye QB coach! I was so happy to see the Falcons finally get a win that I celebrated by going to a dogfight.

Cleveland 20
San Francisco 7
I would have loved to see the Browns make the playoffs over the Titans, but the Lord works in mysterious ways, or so Jon Kitna tells me. Chris Weinke played for the 49ers. That's not a typo. (Shooting self in wiener)

Cincinatti 38
Miami 25
There was a great shot of Parcells in the pressbox during the game and you could tell he was thinking, 'What the fuck did I get myself into?' Helllllloooooo tainted legacy! Is it just me, or watching some of the Bengals players do you get the distinct impression that they're big into gangbangs and anal sex?

Carolina 30
Tampa Bay 27
Vinnie Testeverde retired. Uh huh. So did Jay Z. And KISS. And Rickey Henderson. See ya next year Vincent! Tampa Bay. By far the most blah team to make the playoffs. Hard to see anyone outside of Tampa (or in Tampa for that matter) giving a damn.

Denver 22
Minnesota 19
The Vikings need a QB. Just put 11 guys in the box to stop Peterson and make Tarvaris Jackson beat you. Which is what the Broncos did. Finally, someone has a blueprint to beat the Vikings! Jay Cutler, on the other hand, still looks like he might have Down Syndrome. And could someone please get some sun for Mike Shanahan? He needs sun, STAT!

Arizona 48
St. Louis 19
The Cards win their first game since Nam' that doesn't go down to the wire, and for the first time all year I leave the bar with clean underpants. Larry Fitzgerald is the best receiver in the league not named Moss. Kurt Warner? Still better than Marc Bulger. And Eli Manning. And Matt Leinart....

Baltimore 27
Pittsburgh 21
Too late to save your job Billick. Funniest label ever? Brian Billick being called an 'offensive genius'. Huh? Even when the Ravens were good they had a horrible offense. I'm confused and slightly aroused. Pittsburgh started Jason Bay at QB.

San Diego 30
Oakland 17
Is it too early to start calling Jamarcus Russell the second coming of Akili Smith? Probably. It would be racist too. Norv Turner: 'Offensive Genius'.

New York Jets 23
Kansas City Chiefs 3
This game was so boring that I fell asleep numerous times just typing this sentence. It took me 3 days to write that. I'm not sure who plays for either team or if they are in any way affiliated with the rest of the league.

Washington 27
Dallas 6
Was Jessica Simpson at this game? The revitalized Redskins won by 21, Sean Taylor's jersey number. The memory of Sean Taylor will inspire the Skins to a first round victory over the Seahags. Said memory will also cure cancer, direct traffic outside of the stadium and cook a mean pot of chili.

The Golden Nutcup Team
Wear it with pride fellas!

QB - Tom Brady, NE (356 yards, 2 TD)
RB - Pierre Thomas, NO (105 yds rushing, 121 receiving)
WR - Larry Fitzgerald, ARI (11 catches, 171 yards, 2 TD)
WR - Ocho Cinco, CIN (131 yards, 2 TD)
TE - Alge Crumpler, IND (3 catches, 67 yards, 2 TD)
DEF - Arizona (19 points allowed, 3 sacks, 2 INT returns)

The Flaming Bag Team
Don't put them out with your boot, Harold!

Matt Millen - DET - Ha Ha, look at you! You're a league-wide joke. Nice collapse a-hole. (Farting)