Monday Afternoon Hangover: Week 15

1:34 PM | Comments (0) | by Rich Funk

It's the most exciting time of the year, what with all the playoff "races" coming down to the wire. And yet, here at the Saloon, responsibility for writing the Hangover is passed off more times than a case of herpes at a frat party. Consider Mel and I infected.

Houston 31 Denver 13
The Texans continued their march toward respectability by notching win #7 on the season. This is 7 more wins than I had predicted for them at the beginning of the season. Andre Johnson continues to impress, and Texans fans have to wonder if they would be on the way to the playoffs if he hadn't missed time this year due to injury. Meanwhile, Denver fans wonder if they could have been on the road to the playoffs, if only they built a time machine and abducted the '99 team to play today.

San Francisco 20 Cincinnati 13
Shaun Hill starts at QB for the Niners...and wins? It helps when you play a team like the Bengals. "We definitely knew who we were up against today," said head coach Mike Nolan, "and we adjusted our game plan to it. Every time a Bengals receiver was going to catch a pass, we just yelled out 'Hands where I can see 'em!' and it usually spooked them enough to cause an incompletion."

Cleveland 8 Buffalo 0
People may mock Buffalo for laying the proverbial "goose egg", but look at Cleveland. They actually laid what looks like 2 goose eggs. Isn't that worse? Unless it's a snowman. Or a set of balls.

Tennessee 26 Kansas City 17
Seeing how Herm Edwards' mom probably didn't even care about this game, I will move on.

(Quick question: Does anyone else think that Herm Edwards and Tony Dungy are both clones of Tyrone Willingham? Remember in that movie Multiplicity where they cloned Michael Keaton twice, and the clones were all wacky? That's what happened. Herm is the direct clone of Ty Willingham that just yells a lot and tries to show everyone that he's a badass, and Tony Dungy is the clone of the clone that ended up mentally challenged and hates gays.

Green Bay 33 St. Louis 14
Rumor has it that the Rams tried some shady business to take Brett Favre out of this week's game. On Saturday night, the Rams found out Favre's hotel room and tried to have Steven Jackson barrel through the wall and take him out, but Favre was tipped off by a note attached to a blanket that was thrown by Matt Leinart from an unknown warehouse somewhere in the US. Sources say the warehouse is located on the Arizona bench and nowhere near any of Leinart's illegitimate kids.

Miami 22 Baltimore 16
The Dolphins finally won a game and Jason Taylor's wife cried like she'd just been donkey punched. No one outside of Florida cared, which means that no one important cared.

New England 20 NY Jets 10
Sure the weather was bad, but the Patriots were a decent Jets quarterback away from losing their first game of the season. Of course, the Jets have been one decent Jets quarterback away from winning a lot of games over the last, I don't know, 30 years or so.

Miami winning ruins my fantasy of the 0-14 toppling the 14-0 team next week, but I think it'll be just as sweet. Mark it down: Miami beats New England next week. Baltimore ALMOST beat the Patriots and ALMOST beat the Dolphins. That means that the Dolphins are just as good as the Patriots. You heard it here first.

New Orleans 31 Arizona 24
In my fantasy league, RoboWarner outscores Carson Palmer from my bench for what seems like the 245th straight week. What is Carson Palmer's problem this year? I'd start Warner this coming week, but I know as soon as I do that, he'll break every bone in his body and Palmer will go off for 7 touchdowns.

Jacksonville 29 Pittsburgh 22
Pittsburgh made a decent comeback in this game, but the power of Jack Del Rio and his impeccable sense of style kept the Jags in front, and the Steelers are now tied with the Browns in their division.

(There's a very juvenile joke in there somewhere involving one or both of the words "Jag" and "Browns" but I'm too lazy to come up with it.)

Tampa Bay 37 Atlanta 3
This was probably the worst week imaginable for the Atlanta Falcons. They lost twice, their coach bailed on them before the season was over, and their franchise quarterback is in jail showering with tons of other guys. Fellow quarterback Jeff Garcia was asked about the Michael Vick situation, to which his only response was "Lucky..."

Carolina 13 Seattle 10
This game was scoreless until the 4th quarter. The NFC is officially worse than anyone ever expected.

Indianapolis 21 Oakland 14
Why won't the Raiders just start JaMarcus Russell already? Could they have not knocked out an agreement with Indy that they would start Russell if Indy gave the nod to Jim Sorgi? These are the reasons the league would be more fun if it was run like a giant Madden game. I had one game once where I started Doug Flutie at QB, RB, WR, LB and kicker in the same game and it was awesome. We should replace all head coaches with 20 year old college students for a season and see what happens.

Philadelphia 10 Dallas 6
You have to admit, that play by Brian Westbrook at the end of the game was incredibly smart. The Eagles inviting Jessica Simpson to the game was smart as well. However, the Curse of Jessica Simpson pales in comparison to the Curse of Alyssa Milano. Brad Penny...Carl Pavano...Barry Zito...apparently whatever pitcher she dates eventually gets overpaid and then underperforms. Maybe that's not such a bad curse after all...

San Diego 51 Detroit 14
Living in San Diego, I am pummeled with the Chargers every Sunday. I can't stand the Chargers. People give me weird looks when I tell them that I have no interest in the Chargers. But those looks aren't nearly as weird as the ones they'll have after I punch the next Charger fan I see in the face.

Washington 22 NY Giants 10
Who cares about Jeremy Shockey's broken leg. Who delivered the hit that completely mangled Eli Manning's face like that? What? That's how it always looks? Bullshit. I don't believe you.

Minnesota 20 Chicago 13
The Good: The Vikings' Adrian Peterson was held under 100 yards. The Bad: The Bears' Adrian Peterson was held under 30 yards. The Ugly? Kyle Orton's facial hair.

The Golden Nutcup Team
Wear it with pride fellas!

QB - Drew Brees, NO (315 yards, 2 TD)
RB - Jamal Lewis, CLE (135 yards, 0 felonies)
RB - Tomlinson/Sproles, SD (238 yards, 4 TD)
WR - Marques Colston, NO (114 yards, 1 TD)






The Flaming Bag Team
Don't put them out with your boot, Harold!

The Bears: How much does this team miss last year?

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