The Anti All-Star Team

April 28, 2006 | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan

Well we're about a month into the season, which means only one thing. All-Star ballots are now online! Let the rampant ballot stuffing begin. I can't wait for the first round of voting results to come out and look on in bewilderment when David Eckstein is top vote-getter for NL SS or some other asinine crap. Not that I can really talk much since I fully intend on filling out the maximum 25 ballots with Matt Murton on each one.

I originally thought about writing something that listed my current choices for the All-Star team. But I thought it'd be more fun to pick guys that are least deserving of the All-Star status. So I bring you the 2006 Anti All-Star Team. The guys on this team are currently listed on the All-Star ballot and provided us with exemplary work in suckiness and craptitude thus far. So without further ado, lets look at the starting lineups!


FIRST BASE - Dan Johnson, OAK - Dan had a strong finish to his 2005 season and seemed poised to big offensive asset to the A's this season. He's been anything but, going 8 for 55 from the plate for a .145 AVG so far, forcing Oakland fans to actually mutter the words, "I miss Scott Hatteberg's bat".

SECOND BASE - Mark Ellis, OAK - This one makes me laugh because I kept hearing people talking about Ellis being their "sleeper" pick at 2B in fantasy leagues this season. Well he's certainly sleeping at the plate if that's what they meant. Mark is batting .181 with 16 K's and only 3 walks. Its so bad, that Mark's fan site hasn't been updated for months. That or maybe the restraining order on the website's creator, that was issued after she asked Mark for a couple of his toenails, is working. Ellis should get out of this funk once he works out the kinks in his current campaign for the Texas Senate. This immigration thing has really had him busy!

THIRD BASE - Adrian Beltre, SEA - Mark it dude, 2004 was just a statistical anomaly. Since getting a fat payday from the Mariners, Beltre has done little to show for it, and has given people in Seattle yet another reason to slit their wrists. Currently, Beltre's batting average is lower than Courtney Love's blood alcohol content.

SHORTSTOP - Bobby Crosby, OAK - OK so this is getting ugly for A's fans. Crosby who for whatever reason became everyone's favorite player to jock this preseason as their dark horse MVP candidate, is hitting .224 and has a K/BB ratio of 8. And to make matters worse for him in the All-Star voting, when you go to compare AL SS stats, shows us Bubba Crosby's stats instead. For those not familiar with Bubba Crosby, he's a mediocre OF for the Yankees that some dunderhead in your fantasy league probably once mistakenly picked up from waivers thinking it was Bobby.

CATCHER - Jason Kendall, OAK - Alright I promise that I won't have any A's in the OF. Agreed? But come on, who else would fill this spot better than Kendall. He's getting paid over $11 million a year and offers virtually no offense (no defense either, his percentage for throwing base-stealers out last year would make Mike Piazza blush). Also I found this picture.

OUTFIELD - Rondell White, MIN - Apparently someone told Minnesota that bringing in the oft-injured White to play full-time in the OF would be a good idea. Well at least he's stayed healthy so far. But don't the Twins usually have a crapload of players in their farm system? Any of them would be better than White's .143 AVG through 83 at bats with 19 K's and 0, count'em, 0 walks. Meanwhile Twins fans are telling themselves "Wow Jacque Jones looks like shit this year......wait a minute."

OUTFIELD - Jeff Conine, BAL - Conine and B.J. Surhoff had a contest to see who could stay in the bigs longer. Jeff won.

OUTFIELD - Jay Payton, OAK - OK, I lied. But Jebus have you seen Payton's number thus far? I can see why people picked Oakland to be a contender in the AL. They're an offensive juggernaut, what with Eric Chavez, Nick Swisher, and..... Eric Chavez & Nick Swisher. Maybe they can just bat those two guys and have them play with ghost runners.

PART II: The National League, coming next week.