TMS Late Night: A Very Special Message from Bud Norris About Home Security

July 26, 2016 | Comments (0) | by Governor X

Braves, well fuck, I mean Dodgers pitcher Bud Norris (aka Nud Borris) loves him some lettuce. It's all he talks about. Ask the Atlanta beat writers. They'll tell you. You could ask the Dodgers beat writers too, but that would only encourage them so please don't. You'll probably remember his Top 5 Types of Eatin' Lettuce piece earlier this year. Bud recently contacted us and let us know he had an important message for our readers about home security. As you can tell, we're struggling for content so here you go:

Hello Norris Nation, Bud here. I was watchin' that Republicans convention last week and I started to worry about home invasion. Seems Isis and Osiris are everywhere. I ain't gonna be robbed by no Egyptians, so I looked into home security systems. It didn't take me long to find the best one for me:

HEAD OF ICEBERG LETTUCE - but it´s a safe!

OMFG yes. Look at this glorious thing. It's so realistic I almost wanted to munch on my 'puter screen.

From the description:

Place this realistic head of Iceberg Lettuce in your refrigerator in the vegetable compartment with your most valuable small items inside for safe-keeping.

The bottom snaps off to reveal a secret hiding place. The ideal way to protect cash, jewelry and other valuables while at home or traveling.

Thieves will never dream of looking in this book for valuables, now that you have the opportunity to buy this unique protection of your valuables.

It's so true. At only $99 a piece, I ordered a pallet of them. When I put them in my iceberg lettuce fridge, you can't even tell which head of lettuce I keep my wedding ring in! Right now there's a wait list, but that's because I ordered another pallet. I make way more money than I have any business making, so I'm going to hide my money in iceberg lettuce too. I might even try eating one. I bet it can bump Romaine out of my Top 5.

This just goes to show you that iceberg lettuce can do anything. Stay safe gang. Bud out.

- Bud Norris