War Criminal: Pay-Per-View Porn

6:48 AM | Comments (4) | by Adam Blank


A while back, I was drunk and flipping through the channel guide deep into the cable channels I knew I didn't have. Truth be told, I was actually looking for a WWE pay-per-view that I was thinking about purchasing. I eventually found it and was going to order it before I noticed that it cost a ridiculous $55. "Fuck that," I said. I have way better things to do with my money than watch aging wrestlers I vaguely remember from my childhood grab each other's decaying bodies and try to lay on top of each other for the pinfall. So, in a completely unrelated maneuver, I paged down a few clicks and ordered some filthy hardcore pornography.

Why did I order pay-per-view porn when I had a perfectly fine internet connection? Well, I was really really drunk. Also, the title of the porno implied that young Asian girls would be doing some sick shit while wearing schoolgirl outfits. Plus, the money I saved from not ordering a wrestling PPV meant I could get porn & order a pizza later and still come out ahead. In short, I had nothing to lose.

Modern cable porn isn't like it was back when I was a barely-pubescent little fucker; hitting the A/B switch on the old cable box to keep the scrambled porn image on the screen a few seconds longer so I could listen to softcore starlets moan and maybe see a scrambled nipple if I craned my neck to the side & the gods looked upon my sinful acts with favor. Oh no, this pay-per-view stuff was FOR REAL hardcore porn with full penetration you actually get to see. It seemed as nothing was left to the imagination. They showed cocks, pubic hair, gaping pussies...even the much-sought-after Asian chick's asshole was up for grabs. It was as if my normally Mayberry-esque cable suddenly had its very own Red Light District and Barney Fife was giving me the tour after doing poppers while Andy was watching Otis. All was well & good for a while. But, as the first scene ended, I noticed something a tad disturbing... There was absolutely no male ejaculation! As the moment of the moneyshot approached, the scene faded to black, much like how sex in a 40's movie was implied by a slow pan to the window while a couple kissed near a bed.

I forgave the first scene of it's omission and continued watching. But when the next Moment of Truth rolled around, the same fucking thing happened! It was at this instant that I felt cheated out of my $12. Really, cable? Ejaculations aren't any more over the top than all the spitting on cocks that happens in modern porno, or the nasty gagging blowjob scenes filled with spittle & mucous. If that shit ever happened to me in the course of lovemaking, I would call it a fucking night right then & there. Why, oh why do they spit so much in all modern porn? Who likes this??? I would never spit on a girl's pussy unless she asked me to, and even then I'm sure my latent Catholicism would rise up to prevent me from enjoying the act of depravity. And, Catholic shame or not, I certainly wouldn't lap up my own loogie a moment later. That's not sanitary. But my pay-per-view porno had no problem with these aberrations. I decided to look the other way. Figuratively, of course. This was 30 something minutes into the movie and I had completed my dirty deed 25 minutes prior (sadly, I finished during the opening credit montage). I watched the remaining 85 minutes of the movie like an Anthropologist studying chimps. Sexy, Asian chimps.

To make a long story short, the remaining scenes cut out their "endings" too. What a bunch of bullshit! It isn't that I need a dude ejaculating to let me know a porn scene is over. I'm no rookie here; I knew where the scene was headed. But without that last filthy moment of closure, I might as well have been looking at still pictures for 100 minutes. And I certainly wouldn't pay $12 for fuckin' pictures. I'm not going to mince words here: a porn scene just isn't complete without male ejaculation. Sure, we can get political and say that the whole damn system is wrong, but you can't change it. It's nature. It's science. It's what non-lesbian porn has taught us since the beginning of time: Male ejaculation = end of scene. Female ejaculation = fetish video. And if the scene has 2 or more men, the last one to finish gets to lock up. That's just how it goes.

A porn scene ending without a cumshot is sort of like reading a bedtime story to a child and leaving out the "Happily Ever After" part. Sure, maybe your child will assume the best for the Prince & Princess, but without being explicitly told that the story is over, your child is most likely pining for closure. And we all know that there's no better closure than a huge facial.

4 comments:

Wolter @ 9:52 AM, February 25, 2010

Well.


Um.


I'm tempted to stop working on my last TMS article and let this stand as a testament to our legacy...

The Hundley @ 12:19 PM, February 25, 2010

Outstanding!

Freddy Prinze Jr. @ 6:26 PM, February 25, 2010

Wait, they made "Party of Feet" into a movie? There's no way it can be better than the book.

gooseneck @ 9:58 AM, February 27, 2010

At least this site is going out with a bang.