TMS Beer Project: Grain Belt Premium

11:28 PM | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan

Apparently everyone at the Saloon forgot we were running a fucking blog again.  In an attempt to keep some content fresh, allow me to revive an old feature.  Also did the Cubs win?  Eh, it doesn't matter.


With the name Saloon included in our moniker, one could surmise that we here at TMS like to drinky drinky. One that would make such an assumption would be correct, thereby throwing out the whole, 'when you assume you make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me' bullshit. We also like to plagiarize each other. In the same vein as the Wrigleyville Bar Project, we are proud to bring you another installment of the TMS Beer Project. The premise is simple: we review beers. Each rating will feature a variety of scores from 1-10 and comments from the bartender. This is a public service damn it. We don't want you to be the sucker who pays $15 for a six pack of some overrated Belgian cat piss. Now, we all drink massive amounts of beer so we know what we speak of. Each of us seem to have a favorite style of beer though. Will we be reviewing macrobrews like Bud and Coors? Oh you bet your Aunt Susie's ass we will. For purposes of this science experiment, and it is in the name of science, those will be the "control" group. Use them as a base line for when we review lesser known imports and microbrews. Without further ado, I bring you our next beer:

Grain Belt Premium

Brewery: August Schell Brewing Co.

Type: I don't know, fucking BEER I guess.

Receptacle: 16 ounce god damn tall boy

Drinkability (1 being Jim Jones' kool-aid, 10 being the nectar of the gods): 7
It's not bad, but it is a heavy so if you have a vagina and can only handle light beers you're probably not going to fare well.

Heartiness (1 being fresh mountain spring water, 10 being a pureed British steak infected with mad cow disease): 6
It's a regular blue collar beer.  It's got some meat to it but it's not going rape your taste buds (it may rape your soul).

Intoxication (1 being your friend's weird pentecostal grandmother high on Jesus, 10 being Boris Yeltsin on a week long bender in the Crimea): 8
It's a traditional macro, and the fact that the ABV isn't labeled leaves me to believe it's probably around a 4.9%.  However these are tall boys that I'm drinking.  In fact it was a 12 pack of tall boys.  I didn't know such things even existed until tonight.  What else have I missed in my 33 years of life?  So many more questions than answers have arose.

Celebrities You May See Drinking This Brew: Prince, Tim Pawlenty, Jesse Ventura, Rod Carew, Zombie Kirby Puckett, Brian Dennehy.

Affordability ($ being chicklets in Tijuana, $$$$ being diamond encrusted braised lamb shank from a trendy cafe on the Champs d'Elysee): $$: Grain Belt seems to sell at a higher price than PBR or High Life.  Sometimes too high in my opinion.  You shouldn't be spending over 10 bucks for a 12 pack.  Unless of course the 12 pack is god damn tallboys.  Seriously, tall boys in a 12 pack? What an age to be alive!

Overall: 8.12515
In the world of blue collar macro beers, Grain Belt is really overlooked and underrated in my opinion.  PBR has the hipster crowd locked up.  Schlitz has the hipsters that have tired of PBR.  Old Style has the Cub fans.  And High Life picks up the rest of America that shakes their cock at shitty light beer.  If you haven't tried Grain Belt I highly recommend it if you can find it.  More often than not it comes in bottles.  But if you happen to find tall boys in a 12 pack, you buy that shit and never look back.

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