War Criminal: A. J. Pierzynski

Let me take a step back and exhume McCarthy for a moment: A. J. Pierzynski is a card carrying member of the Communist Party. As you know, even 15 years after the Cold War ended, we don’t tolerate Communists here in the US of A. If that commie name isn’t enough to convince you (I have it on good authority that he changed it from “Anatoly Tualyet“ to the good ole American “A. J.”), consider the facts:

On his birthday, the following events happened:

1916 - Rasputin was finally killed after numerous attempts paving the way for the Bolshevik Revolution in Russia.

1922 - Russia officially becomes the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics.

1947 - Romania’s King abdicates allowing communism to take root in the Land of Dracula.

We also can’t forget that the day of his MLB debut was the 50th anniversary of the founding of North Korea.

I wish I could tell you it was just communism friends, but there are more atrocities connected to him throughout history:

1862 - The Monitor is sunk during the Civil War.

1897 - Natal annexed Zululand (Bastards!!!!)

1940 - California’s first freeway opened, making California a commuter state, clogging the roads with assholes for the next 66 years and creating a layer of smog thicker than Grady Little’s accent. (You could also read into this that Pierzynski is contributing to global warming, and I do.)

1977 - Ted Bundy escapes from prison.

1997 - 400 people are killed in an Algerian massacre.

I would also like to submit that Pierzynski is likely to have invaded his neighbors, gassed his own people, and operated torture chambers. These are the only crimes I can imagine that will get you kicked off a team with the King of War Criminals: Barry Bonds.

So to recap, Pierzynski is responsible for every death caused by the Soviet Union, North Korea, 400 Algerians, and every post-1977 Ted Bundy victim. …oh, and global warming.

Den Hague is too good for this guy. I call for the ironic punishment of sending this guy to one of our Stalinist CIA gulags in Eastern Europe for the rest of his days.

Realm of Red: Redhead of the Week

Each week (or so) I will profile various redheads who paved the way for our own Thunder Matt. These men and women opened doors (often times kicking them in due to their fiery tempers) that would have otherwise kept Thunder Matt toiling in Independent Baseball leagues, shagging fly balls in Newark and frequenting seedy hotels. We tip our Cubs hats to these fair-skinned pioneers.

Today's Redhead: Rusty Staub

Rusty, you portly sumbitch. The year was 1984. My first year of actively collecting baseball cards. Topps was my weapon of choice. Eagerly tearing into a bubblegum stained pack (always pick the second pack from the top), I hoped to find the elusive Mel Hall, or perhaps the durable and bespectacled Kent Tekulve to add to my collection. Instead, I got Rusty Staub.

"Who is this guy?" I wondered aloud, itching my butt. "A good candidate for my bike spokes, that's who!" shouted the running dialogue in my head.

But then I looked at the back of the card. I always loved cards that were filled edge to edge with years of experience. What struck me was that he played for some outfit known as the Colt .45's. Glorious! To this day it remains the only beer I will drink.

Rusty was the 'original Expo' (what an honor!) and was nicknamed 'Le Grande Orange'. I don't speak Russian but I think that means 'fat redhead'. This nickname was later stolen by his archrival, Qbert.

Always one to drive the ball into a gap for 'legged out doubles', Rusty made the All-Star team 4 years, all of which I surmise must have been as an injury replacement.

And here's a classic ditty. In the World Series in 1973 an injury left Rusty able to only throw the ball underhanded for the entire series. Wow, that helps out your team. Hit the cutoff man, hit the cutoff man! Oh wait, he's on the warning track and can only throw underhanded. Well, shit now what? I guess run out there and have him bowl it to you. Fuck it. Just let the run score I guess. Goddamn it Rusty!

Rusty was also the first player to play 162 games as a DH. This was so that he had more time in the dugout to ravage the clubhouse spread. Rusty, never a careful eater, once consumed teammate Tim McCarver's son, Mustang. Look up Mustang McCarver. Can't find him. Rusty ate him.

In recent years, Rusty auditioned for the role of Boss Hogg in the movie adaptation of "The Dukes of Hazzard", only to lose the role to Burt Reynolds. Said Rusty of the disappointment, "That's ok. I'm Rusty Staub. I bounce back. That's just what I do." Sage advice that we should all heed from this red headed prophet.

Rusty currently fronts 'The Rusty Staub Foundation', an egomaniacal endeavor that is actually a front for an elaborate chop shop. Rusty Staub may or may not have his GED.

Fun with numbers

Rank	Team	Total Payroll	W	L	Cost per win
1	New York Yankees	$194,663,079	53	36	$3,672,888.28
2	Chicago Cubs	$94,424,499	35	56	$2,697,842.83
3	Los Angeles Angels	$103,472,000	46	45	$2,249,391.30
4	Boston Red Sox	$120,099,824	54	36	$2,224,070.81
5	Los Angeles Dodgers	$98,447,187	46	45	$2,140,156.24
6	Philadelphia Phillies	$88,273,333	42	48	$2,101,746.02
7	Atlanta Braves	$90,156,876	43	49	$2,096,671.53
8	Houston Astros	$92,551,503	45	48	$2,056,700.07
9	Seattle Mariners	$87,959,833	44	48	$1,999,087.11
10	San Francisco Giants	$90,056,419	46	46	$1,957,748.24
11	New York Mets	$101,084,963	55	37	$1,837,908.42
12	Chicago White Sox	$102,750,667	57	34	$1,802,643.28
13	St. Louis Cardinals	$88,891,371	52	39	$1,709,449.44
14	Baltimore Orioles	$72,585,582	43	51	$1,688,036.79
15	Washington Nationals	$63,143,000	39	54	$1,619,051.28
16	Kansas City Royals	$47,294,000	32	59	$1,477,937.50
17	Pittsburgh Pirates	$46,717,750	32	61	$1,459,929.69
18	San Diego Padres	$69,896,141	48	43	$1,456,169.60
19	Texas Rangers	$68,228,662	47	45	$1,451,673.66
20	Toronto Blue Jays	$71,915,000	51	40	$1,410,098.04
21	Cleveland Indians	$56,031,500	41	50	$1,366,621.95
22	Detroit Tigers	$82,612,866	62	30	$1,332,465.58
23	Arizona Diamondbacks	$59,684,226	45	46	$1,326,316.13
24	Oakland Athletics	$62,243,079	48	44	$1,296,730.81
25	Milwaukee Brewers	$57,568,333	45	48	$1,279,296.29
26	Minnesota Twins	$63,396,006	50	40	$1,267,920.12
27	Cincinnati Reds	$60,909,519	49	44	$1,243,051.41
28	Colorado Rockies	$41,233,000	44	47	$937,113.64
29	Tampa Bay Devil Rays	$35,417,967	39	53	$908,153.00
30	Florida Marlins	$14,998,500	40	50	$374,962.50

Payrolls as of April 7, 2006. Source: USA Today

This team goes to 11

11? 11 runs in the 6th inning. I'm frickin' speechless. Its a shame since Marshall was pitching well up until that point, even getting into the offensive act by hitting his first big league home run. But in the 6th inning the wheels came off. A series of hits, including two grand slams and two costly errors by Todd Walker led to quite possibly the most depressing half-inning of baseball I've ever seen this side of Game 6 in '03. Just miserable. But what pisses me off most, isn't the two errors by Walker, or Marshall getting lit up to start the inning. Its that once again Dusty Baker went to Roberto Novoa for relief. Does Dusty not look at stats? At all? Novoa has been brought in repeated times when the Cubs have a minor deficit. And more times than not, the game gets blown wide open with Novoa on the hill. He's absolutely terrible out there. Novoa has now given up 12 homers on the season in just 43.1 IP. That's atrocious. In fact I quickly perused the MLB.com sortable stats, and from what I can see, 12 homers is by far the worst in the majors for any full-time reliever. Yet Dusty keeps bringing him in. Why? Is he the Neifi Perez of the bullpen?



When he's not destroying the Cubs chances for any semblance of a comeback, Roberto Novoa (Left) enjoys playing backgammon and drinking Mai Tai's. Roberto also prides himself for having the longest neck in the majors.






But of course the main person to get punished in this business will Walker. After the game Dusty said, "I pride myself and my team on defense.....You just can't give away runs." For those that don't speak Dusty that means, "We'll be starting Neifi Perez at 2B all week." Hopefully if Walker does get benched, they start Theriot instead, who looked great when finally given the chance to actually play for once. Then again Dusty could run with Theriot at 2B and Neifi at SS since Cedeno has started to struggle at the plate. And what better way for a young hitter to get out of their funk than by riding the pine. It does wonders for their morale.

This season is lost, it has been for a while. Lets just trade Pierre, Walker and Jones for some minor leaguers and play Murton, Pagan, and Pie in the OF, and Cedeno and Theriot at SS and 2B. But that probably won't happen. Cubs fans will receive further fuel for their depression by seeing Neifi, Nevin, and Novoa stink the joint up with their incredible mediocrity all the way through September.

One last note about yesterday's massacre. Thunder Matt Murton went 0-4, so look for Angel Pagan to start at LF today, or even possibly Phil Nevin since he looked great hitting that pinch hit homer when the game was far, far out of reach.

Cubs vs. Nationals 5/18/06

I've been meaning to post this for quite some time but just never got around to it. Back on May 18th I made my annual pilgrimage to Wrigley Field to see the Cubs versus the Nationals. Accompanying me was my friend and co-worker Mark. After the game we met up with Ben (Chaim Witz) for some beers at the Gingerman Tavern. Some highlights of this trip:

• We got to Wrigleyville insanely early that day. Our game plan is usually as such. We drive from the Quad Cities to Aurora. From Aurora we take the Metra to Union Station and from there we'll connect to the El and head up the Red Line to Wrigley. This year we hauled ass on I-88 to Aurora and caught the 8:02 express. This led to us getting to Wrigley at 9:30.
• Mark left his sunscreen in the van in Aurora so we had to stop at 7-11, or else risk him turning into a lobster again. Just an FYI, the 7-11 right there on Addison and Sheffield has a whole half aisle dedicated to sunscreen. The downside is that they prey on absent-minded pasty-skinned Midwesterners by ass-raping you on the price. At no point should sunscreen cost $8. That's almost two Old Style's inside the park.
• The early arrival gave us a chance to break our old record for "Earliest Time to Start Drinking" of 10:30am. We walked into Bernie's and had our first beer at 9:55am. You know you've started too early when you order an Old Style and the can is still warm because it hasn't been in the cooler long enough yet.
• We had great seats. Section 33, Row 7. This was the second time I've ever sat anywhere but the bleachers. I have to say its nice to have beer guys waiting on you for a change. One bummer was that it was raining before the game so BP was cancelled.
• We sat next to these two guys from Kentucky that had never been to Wrigley before. The one had a crapload of money that he didn't mind spending, while his friend was kind of worthless bum, free loading off of him. They seemed pretty cool at first, but as the free loader kept drinking he went from being cool to hang with, to a complete douchebag. He become a "That Guy", the type that gets too drunk and feels the need to start talking shit to complete strangers. Nobody likes "That Guy". He also started asking everyone at Gingerman where he could score some weed. Overall he was a complete tool. His rich buddy seemed nice enough though and I'm pretty sure I didn't pay for any beer at Gingerman.
• This game for those that remember was the infamous "Neifi 2-out in the ninth inning bunt" game. Everyone was into the game the entire time without any real negativity brewing. It was Kerry Wood's first game back so everyone was pumped about that. Then as the Cubs were looking to possibly come back, Neifi lays down that awful bunt with runners on 1st and 2nd. It was ridiculous. Half the crowd erupted in boos while the other half just stood there dumbfounded. Worst end to a Cubs game I've ever attended.

And now here are some pictures I took.....

It was good to see that Derrek Lee was alive and well at the time.























Nice shot of the Wrigley scoreboard.














Probably the last time I'll ever see Kerry pitch live in a Cubs uni.



































This was written on the wall in the bathroom stall I took a dump in. Yeah, that's right, I crapped at Wrigley, and it ain't the first or the last time either. Anyway I just love when someone puts shit like "Sox Rule" and then someone follows up with a "like dick!" below it. That's like the ultimate comeback for retards that scribble shit on bathroom walls.








Thunder Matt Murton got on base not one, not two, but three different times.










Still the coolest bar near Wrigley.























I had one last shot left on my camera.

First Half Fantasy Review: Busts and Bargains

Well everyone and their dog has released some sort of best and worst list for the first half of the fantasy baseball season. And since I've come to the conclusion all you need is the ability to type and to remotely understand baseball stats to be considered a "fantasy expert" I would toss my hat in the ring and offer up my Bargains and Busts for the first half. Keep in mind I'm basically looking for guys that have underachieved or overachieved compared to their projections. So Neifi Perez isn't really a bust. No one projected him to do well, so he's just a piece of shit. Moving on....

CATCHER
BARGAINS: In 2005 only 3 catchers hit 20 or more home runs. This season, there are 9-10 that could easily do the same. Needless to say there has been some great value to be found in what is typically the shallowest position in fantasy.

Miguel Olivo, FLA - Miguel has done great for the Fish with a .286, 10 HR, 35 RBI at the break.

Brian McCann, ATL – Some managers have seen their sleeper pick in McCann pay nice dividends already as the Bry-Man is hitting a fat .343.

Johnny Estrada - After an underachieving season in ’05, expectations were tempered a bit for Johnny. The desert air seems to be doing him well as he’s putting up similar numbers that made him a breakout fantasy catcher two seasons ago in Atlanta.

Mike Napoli, LAA – Mike didn’t even get called up until May, yet he’s emerged as a much needed offensive boost at the catcher position for the Halos. So much so that its rumored they’re considering parting ways with their other young catching prospect, Jeff Mathis as they look to make a deal at the trade deadline.

The Best Buy: David Ross, CIN – Playing for his fourth team in three years, Ross has been a welcome site in Cincy as well as on fantasy rosters. His .311, 12 HR, 31 RBI in only 119 at bats has been impressive enough to wrestle the main catching gig away from Jason LaRue for the foreseeable future.


BUSTS: Its hard to say there were any real busts at catcher in the first half. Some guys have faced tough injuries, others are so overrated to begin with that calling them a bust is sort of moot.

Jason Kendall, OAK – Ugh. This guy has been on the decline for about two years now. He offers absolutely nothing for power, and his AVG has been a real letdown since coming to Oakland. His numbers aren’t horrible for a catcher but for a player that for some reason keeps being listed among the top ten catchers on preseason cheat sheets, he’s certainly overvalued. You could possibly do better with someone off waivers.

Mike Lieberthal, PHI – I’m not going to be too harsh on guys that suffered injuries. Lieberthal has been one of those “set it and forget it” type catchers in fantasy for many years. He won’t put up the best numbers at his position but he’ll give serviceable worry-free stats. Unfortunately that’s not been the case this season as managers have dealt with Mike rotting on their DL for the last month. The only plus is that its let us all enjoy more time with fan favorite and 80’s porn ‘stache savior, Sal Fasano.

Jason Varitek, BOS – While he hasn’t been horrible, managers were expecting a little better than a .232 average from the guy many considered to be the best fantasy catcher for 2006 behind only Mauer and V-Mart. He may bounce back, but at this point Jason appears to be worn out.

The Bust Buy: Javy Lopez, BAL – I know. You’re saying to yourself, “Why is he a bust? He’s putting up about the same numbers as last year”. And that is exactly why he’s on here. Look Javy isn’t horrible, but so many were ranking him in the top 5 for catchers this preseason. Look at the “bang for your buck”, or lack thereof managers have received. Lopez is currently ranked 21st among catchers in runs, 14th in home runs, and 21st in RBI. Not the type of marks you’d want from drafting a supposed top 5 catcher.



FIRST BASE
BARGAINS: First base is so deep with fantasy studs that to look for a value pick seemed silly since there’s plenty of big hitters to go around. But managers that were savvy enough were able to pick up these guys have to be smiling.

Mike Jacobs, FLA – He’s not the first bargain Marlin on this list and he certainly won’t be the last. Many considered Jacobs a late-round sleeper in the draft and when the season started, the only thing sleepy about him was his bat. Mike had a horrible April, hitting only .192 and in most leagues, relegated to waiver wire fodder. But as the season heated up, so did Mike’s output. Jacobs has now pumped up his AVG to .278.

Kevin Youkilis, BOS – It wasn’t uncommon to see Youkilis drafted in the final rounds this spring if at all. You’d be hard-pressed to find him lingering on the waiver wire now with his .297 AVG, 10 HR, 43 RBI, and 60 R. His eligibility at 3B as well makes him a nice utility guy at the corners.

The Best Buy: Justin Morneau, MIN – Morneau has been on the verge of a breakout season for a while now. After a disappointing 2005, many managers passed on him in the draft this year. And after a dismal April Morneau could easily be found on waivers. Anyone that bought low on this guy are reaping the rewards now. Justin has been destroying the ball as of late and seems poised for that breakout year finally. His .300, 23 HR, 73 RBI rival some of the big sluggers in the league and he’s already close to matching his stats from last season.


BUSTS: Even if you don’t count the ones that were plagued by injury there are still a handful of 1B that have played well under par up to this point.

Derrek Lee, CHC – It pains me to list him, but if we’re counting other injured guys, Lee has to be on here. Lee was a first round pick in most league drafts, so when he collided with Rafael Furcal you could here a collective groan from fantasy owners everywhere. Now that he’s back, many managers are hoping he can give them a needed boost to hopefully make up for lost stats.

Dan Johnson, OAK – Johnson, along with Mike Jacobs were both considered the young “sleepers” at 1B. Both started the season looking horrible. While Jacobs has bounced back quite well, Johnson has struggled. Despite a promising June, Johnson’s AVG is only .237. Although there is a light at the end of the tunnel. His K/BB ratio suggests he’s a fairly disciplined hitter. I’d keep an eye on a possible second half surge.

Aubrey Huff, HOU – ‘The Huff’ looked horrible for most of the first half and just in the last two weeks has started to hit like he can. Now he’s in Houston, where there’s a chance the change of scenery will help him. Huff was quite happy with Houston’s welcome basket of Skoal and Busch Light that was given to him.

The Bust Buy: Mark Teixeira, TEX – For an average 1B his numbers aren’t bad (.275, 9 HR, 49 RBI). But Tex isn’t your average 1B. This guy was touted as probably the best fantasy 1B in the AL next to David Ortiz, and was projected to flirt with 40 homers. Right now he’s on pace for about 20. Not what managers were hoping for. Quick Note: As I was typing this piece I see on ESPN that Tex hit 3 homers tonight. I think he may be breaking out of the funk finally.



SECOND BASE
BARGAINS: Next to catcher, 2B is the fantasy position that is usually the shallowest. This season, some managers have found value in unlikely places.

Ty Wigginton, TB – The Wigginator certainly doesn’t get you any cool points, but 16 homers and 50 RBI in the first half isn’t too shabby. Especially when the only other 2B eligible batters with 16+ homers are named Chase and Alfonso.

Brandon Phillips, CIN – Hey, remember when this guy was a highly touted prospect for the Indians? So much so people were actually drafting him as one of their “sleepers” a couple years ago? Well apparently he just needed a move across the Buckeye State to finally realize his potential. A .306 AVG with 16 steals is a nice start to his Reds career.

Ian Kinsler, TEX – Kinsler was one of the rookie sleepers in this year’s draft. But a injury early put on him on the DL for a month and a lot of owners grew impatient and dumped him to waivers during that time. Anyone who stuck it out, or snagged him off waivers when he got healthy have enjoyed his .320 AVG and .932 OPS.

The Best Buy: Jose Lopez, SEA – With the corpse of Bret Boone finally tossed in a dumpster behind Safeco, Jose Lopez has officially taken hold of the reins in the middle infield and he shows no signs of relinquishing them any time soon. His .280 AVG is serviceable but most owners have had a boner for his 58 RBI, which is best in the MLB among 2B.


BUSTS: There’s been a few disappointments so far but most have been due to injury or having been named Placido.

Mark Ellis, OAK – The guy has battled injury but even before that he looked like shit. I’m not gonna rag on him any more. He already took a beating in both of my Anti-All Star Team posts.

Jorge Cantu, TB – Like Kinsler he missed over a month of the first half because of injury. Unlike Kinsler he hasn’t done much since coming back. Nonetheless most managers are hanging on to him in hopes he picks it back up in the second half.

Jeff Kent, LAD – For a 2B, most managers would be content with .279, 9 HR, 43 RBI. But not when said 2B is overrated and overvalued Jeff Kent. Usually one of the first few 2B off the board, I think we’re seeing signs of Kent's inevitable decline. His 100 RBI days look to be behind him.

The Bust Buy: Placido Polanco, DET – Remember when this guy was an on base machine? Barely. He doesn’t do enough to justify being in your starting lineup yet he doesn’t suck enough for you to drop him. At least he’s out of Philly so Chase Utley can shine.



THIRD BASE
BARGAINS: No, David Wright is not a bargain. But he is incredibly valuable. It’s been almost 24 hours since I’ve seen his face. I’m getting withdrawal headaches from my David Wright All-Star man-crush.

Kevin Youkilis, BOS – Remember what I said about him in the 1B section? Well he’s even more valuable at 3B.

Ryan Zimmerman, WAS – It took him a while to warm up but he’s worked his AVG up to .287 and is currently riding a 12-game hitting streak. Washington fans at least have to be happy he’s not Vinny Castilla.

Joe Crede, CWS – Crede seems to have finally figured it out. The power potential has always been there but this season his offensive output has gone to the next level. Joe looks poised to put up career numbers in about every category.

The Best Buy: Freddy Sanchez, PIT – Barely a blip on the fantasy radar to start the year, Freddy has been a hitting machine and thus been rightfully snatched up in just about every league out there. His 106 base knocks is second among 3B.


BUSTS: I’ve already ripped Huff, Cantu and Polanco. Who else can I skewer?

Eric Chavez, OAK – He’s battling tendonitis and just had an MRI done over the break. He says he’d rather go on the DL and get healthy rather than play hurt all season and hurt the team. Oakland management says they want to avoid a DL trip “at all costs”. Hey Macha, for the sake of your fans and for the sake of fantasy owners that took Chavez early in the draft, put the guy on the DL already!

Joe Randa, PIT – Not that we had high expectations to begin with but Randa owners deserve better.

Vinny Castilla, SD – Wait, you have to actually have been projected to do well in order to be a bust right? Well if your retarded enough to have Vinny on your team, there’s a good chance your fellow league-mates are laughing at you behind your back.

The Bust Buy: Morgan Ensberg, HOU – Yes sir Mr. Huff, we have a starting position all ready to go for you. I guess if its any consolation for Morgan owners, about 30% of his hits have gone yard.



SHORTSTOP
BARGAINS: There aren’t many guys I’d call a bargain here. I already mentioned Freddy Sanchez and Ian Kinsler. Although they play a different position they both qualify at SS in most leagues. I guess I should talk about someone.

Mark DeRosa, TEX and Jamey Carroll, COL – These guys don’t really deserve their own writeup. Both are mediocre journeymen utility players. Both have overachieved so far this season. Both will be forgotten by September.

Omar Vizquel, SF – There once was a time where Omar’s name was mentioned any time the subject of best shortstops came up. Anyone that was trying to fill a hole in the lineup could do a lot worse than Vizquel this season. A solid .302 AVG and 56 runs make him a worthwhile fantasy contributor this year.

The Best Buy: DeRosa, Sanchez, Carroll, Kinsler, Vizquel, take your pick. Yuniesky Betancourt and Carlos Guillen get a nod too I guess.


BUSTS: Can a shortstop really be a fantasy bust? If they suck then they’re really just hitting like a normal shortstop would.

Clint Barmes, COL – A .208 average? Is it the deer meat Clint?

Adam Everett, HOU – At least when he had 21 steals last year he was kinda sorta almost valuable. This year he hasn’t even stolen bases that much. Just like with Vinny, shame on you if he’s on your team.

The Bust Buy: Bobby Crosby, OAK - .238 with 8 HR and 35 RBI? Where’s the ESPN "Crosby for MVP" hype-machine now? Can we focus on Bobby having a full healthy season where he bats over .260 first? Are there Crosby owners that are honestly shocked by his numbers? Just think, you could’ve drafted Omar Vizquel, or Carlos Guillen, or Ian Kinsler, Freddy Sanchez, Yuniesky Betancourt, Jamey Carroll, Mark DeRosa. Hell, you could’ve gotten half those guys off the waiver wire. Nice move shithead.



OUTFIELD
BARGAINS: Lets here it for the ex-Cubs!

Gary Matthews Jr., TEX – Too bad there isn’t a stat for “Amazing Catches that ESPN Analysts Continue to Jizz in their Pants Over”. Gary Matthews would then for sure be the MVP. No way anybody drafted this guy at the beginning of the season. And if they did, it was probably some 65 year old dude that thought he was actually Gary Matthews Sr. At this point he’s probably taken in your league.

Jermaine Dye, CWS – Back in his days as a Royal, it looked like young Jermaine was ready to have a long stellar career. Then he went to Oakland where he became a #3 or #4 fantasy OF option on your team. Even this year he was ranked right around 40th among OF on most preseason cheat sheets. Well anyone who took him as their 3rd OF is probably happy to see Dye outperforming his #1 OF. He’s on pace for a monster year and his first 100 RBI season since his days in KC.

Corey Patterson, BAL – God damn you Corey. When seeing his stats with the O’s so far this season, almost every Cubs fan has the same thought, “Figures”. It was obvious Patterson would probably do better once he was free of Dusty’s evil reign, crushing our talented youth. Despite that, I, like many were scared to death in taking a late round flyer on Corey this year in the draft. A few said, “Why the hell not?” and took him late. They’ve been laughing ever since. His 31 steals more than make up for his occasional slumps.

Brad Hawpe, COL – A lot of people were all over fellow Rockie, Matt Holliday in the draft, but most passed over the lesser known Hawpe. Those that did pick him up have benefited from a .310, 15 HR, 49 RBI.

The Best Buy: Raul Ibanez, SEA – At the break, Raul has 20 HR and 70 RBI. Read that sentence again. No, seriously, read it again. Were talking about Raul frickin’ Ibanez! I couldn’t believe it when I saw it. He had 20 homers all last year, and he’s had no more than 24 in a full season. This is just amazing, and no one seems to be talking about it.


BUSTS: I only have one guy here.

The Bust Buy: Jose Guillen, WAS – F this guy. Jose has been on 6 teams in the last 6 seasons. He’s been a clubhouse cancer everywhere he's gone. And he makes Raul Mondesi and Derek Bell look like the greatest team-players ever. Now I’m just reveling in the fact that he’s batting .211 and has looked like a moldy dog turd at the plate.



STARTING PITCHER
BARGAINS: If there’s any position where you can dig around in free agency for value its SP. And most of these guys are examples of that.

Josh Johnson, FLA – At the start of the season most people couldn’t name a pitcher for Florida aside from Dontrelle Willis. Now, well, they still probably can’t. But fantasy nerds are familiar with Josh Johnson at this point. Johnson has wowed owners with a 2.21 ERA with a 8-4 record and 74 K in 85.2 IP.

Jered Weaver, LAA – How often do you see a guy get replaced in the rotation by their little brother? Jered Weaver did just that, as the Angels released older brother Jeff to make room for him. And unlike Jeff, Jered has been outstanding this season. The younger Weaver has won all 6 of his starts thus far. He currently posts a 1.12 ERA with 36 K.

Gil Meche, SEA – Meche was touted as a sleeper for a handful of seasons back in the day. But an onslaught of injuries and disappointment has plagued his career. Recently Meche has looked good, going 4-0 in his last 7 starts, improving his overall record to 8-4.

The Best Buy: Chris Young, SD – Every year there’s a young pitcher that everyone is talking about as their big sleeper pick. A lot of times they don’t really pan out, or at the very least are so overhyped in the spring that they aren’t worth the money spent at auction or the spot the were drafted at. Chris Young has not been that way. The move from hitter-friendly Ameriquest to pitcher-friendly Petco has greatly helped Young’s career. At the break Young is boasting an 8-4 record, with a 3.12 ERA and 104 K. And anyone that drafted him probably took him as their #3 or 4 SP. Not bad.


BUSTS: Starting pitcher busts? We could be here all day.

Ben Sheets, MIL – Mark Prior, CHC – Kerry Wood, CHC – My injured trifecta of pain have inflicted just that on their owners this year. Most passed on Wood and those that took him did it late, so his failure wasn’t that harmful, but other owners have pulled their hair out and gnashed their teeth at Sheets and Prior and their long stints on the DL.

Bartolo Colon, LAA – Yeah he’s been hurt, but even when he’s not, Bartolo has not been the SP most managers were expecting when they drafted him.

Matt Clement, BOS – 6.61 ERA, 1.76 WHIP. Has anyone been so adversely affected by getting drilled in the face? Even worse are the managers that somehow thought he’d be better.

The Bust Buy: Jeff Weaver, LAA – This guy actually had a decent second-half fantasy-wise last season. He’s just been miserable this season as the Angels finally cut him loose. The Cardinals just picked him up however to replace the "Drunken Aruban Train Wreck", Sidney Ponson. That move just cracks me up. The Cardinals just replaced Ponson with virtually the same guy but without the surly drunkenness. Don’t believe me? Look at this. Scroll down to the list of “Similar Pitchers through Age 28”. Exactly, put that in your pipe.



CLOSER
BARGAINS: This is easy. Any closer that wasn’t the closer at the start of the season is a bargain.

Takashi Saito, LAD – Eric Gagne is broken, good thing we have Danys Baez! Um……er……I…mean good thing we have Takashi Saito! Saito has filled in well and it now looks like he’ll be in that role for at least the rest of this season.

Akinori Otsuka, TEX – After Francisco Cordero imploded, Otsuka jumped in and has pitched admirably. 17 saves with a 2.13 ERA means Otsuka has a pretty strong hold on that job.

The Best Buy: J.J. Putz, SEA – A lot of managers picked up Rafael Soriano when Everyday Eddie’s corpse officially couldn’t throw a strike any more. While Soriano was the sexier choice for closer, savvy managers snagged Putz and haven’t looked back. 16 saves, 58 K in 42.2 IP.


BUSTS: This is just as easy. For every bargain, there is probably a bust on that same team.

Eric Gagne, LAD – Just for the fact that he duped fantasy owners into believing that his injury bugs were going to be history.

Chad Orvella, TB – Is it fair to have him on here? I’m not sure Chad even got a serious save op this season. But he was slated as the TB closer early on when Baez was dealt and there were dipshits out there that drafted him.

Chris Reitsma, ATL – Reitsma pretty much guarantees that Atlanta won’t win the NL East this year. Reitsma owners are pretty much guaranteed they won’t win their fantasy league this year either.

Keith Foulke, BOS – It appears his closing days are over. This is fine by me because his demise has made way for The Papelboner.

Jose Valverde, ARI – When you’re so bad that Jorge Julio has stolen your job, it’s never a good thing.

The Bust Buy: Eddie Guardado, SEA – Seriously, if you drafted Eddie as your #1 closer, just quit. I mean it, you shouldn’t be allowed to play fantasy baseball.

Aubrey Huff traded to Houston

After years of trade deadline rumors coming and going, Aubrey Huff was finally relinquished from his baseball purgatory better known as the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. The Drays dished him off to the Houston Astros for two minor leaguers, some cash, and a sack of Funyuns.

Welcome to Houston Aubrey! Until something opens up you can share a room with our trainer Gus!

All Star Break Wrapup

Well another All Star Game is in the books, and yet again the AL came out on top. Here's some quick notes about the game.

Brad Penny's 2-inning stretch was just phenomenal to watch. Penny blazed fastball after fastball topping out at 98-99 several times. Only the freak of nature Vlad Guerrero got anything off of him, taking a fastball that would've been over my head, to the right field seats. Lets just hope for Dodger fans' sake that Penny didn't destroy his arm doing it.

Tim McCarver. Just brutal. I don't know how many times I got a brain cramp trying to comprehend what the hell he was babbling about. Tim had some dandies early on too. At one point he said Brad Penny's fastballs were like "Mark Wahlberg....catch me if you can." Huh? This one still frickin' baffles me. Was he meaning Leonardo DiCaprio who starred in Catch Me If You Can? Was he referring to Mark Wahlberg's character running on the football field in the preview to the new movie "Invincible", which was shown about as many times as the promo for the next hit drama on Fox, "Vanished"?

Another dandy from McCarver came when he exclaimed that if they left Penny in for the full 9 innings, he could throw 20 strikeouts. Seriously? How is this moron allowed to talk in public? Look asswipe, its plainly obvious that Penny, who normally tops out at 94 mph on the radar gun, knew he would only pitch 2 innings of work so he just unloaded with nothing but heaters. After that I tried my best to tune him out or else risk suffering irreversible brain trauma.

Well its official. After two days of ESPN and Fox drooling all over David Wright every chance they got, I officially have a man-crush on him.

Did anyone tell Troy Glaus that he was in the All Star Game and he was allowed to smile a few times? Even in the home run derby he looked like he was about to file his taxes or something. Lighten up Troy!

Feel free to skewer me on this, but can we just stop with the "God Bless America" in the 7th inning schtick? Fine if you want to call me an unpatriotic asshole but last time I checked we usually honor our country before the game with the "Star Spangled Banner". Is it just a reaffirmation to show how "American" we all are? Or is it to weed out potential terrorists that may have shown up at the game late? Either way, it destroys the flow of the game. Would you interrupt a boxing match after round 7 to say the Pledge of Allegiance? I know it was the All Star Game but that crap happens in the frickin' regular season and playoffs too. "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" at least keeps the crowd pumped up for baseball. Just stop already.

Oh and the AL frickin' won, which sucks balls because now we have to listen to every sports radio douchebag drone on today about how dominant the AL is over the NL. Really? Is that why it took until 9th inning to pull ahead for the 3-2 victory? All those superstar sluggers in the AL looked great against that wimpy NL pitching.....oh wait, aside from Vlad, your precious Yankee and Red Sox sluggers all looked like fools caught with their wang in their hand at the plate. If the NL had pulled it out we'd probably hear about them making a resurgance and how the leagues have evened out. But alas, why does the NL even bother. I mean, the way it seems we should just have a Yankees-Red Sox World Series every year since those are the only two teams that obviously matter. What? No I'm not bitter, not bitter at all.

And lastly, everyone, just stop with the "ideas to improve the All Star Game". The home-field advantage rule is retarded enough. But then I read this article saying they should switch to a USA vs. World format since the AL always wins. What? Did that guy really think at all before coming up with that? First off, MLB wouldn't go for it. The USA couldn't win against single countries in the WBC, so why would they pit them against all those countries combined? And secondly, you think the AL-NL is lop-sided? What the hell do you think the outcome of a USA vs. the World matchup would look like? I'm not sure how many guys you noticed last night that have a Latin sounding name but A-Rod and Nomar would be the only few on the American team. Just looking at this year's All Stars this is what a World team might look like.

C - Ivan Rodriguez
1B - Albert Poopholes, David Ortiz
2B - Jose Lopez
3B - Miguel Cabrera
SS - Jose Reyes, Miguel Tejada, Edgar Renteria
OF - Vlad Guerrero, Manny Ramirez, Ichiro Suzuki, Jason Bay, Carlos Beltran, Alfonso Soriano, Andruw Jones, Magglio Ordonez, Carlos Lee
P - Johan Santana, Francisco Liriano, Mariano Rivera, Jose Contreras, Pedro Martinez, Carlos Zambrano

Who wants to face that team? Also switching to this format would absolutely destroy fan voting. Would fans be as eager to vote for Poopholes or Big Papi if it meant they would play for the World team? Hell I'd be casting all my votes for Neifi Perez at shortstop if it were this way.

The All Star Game is fine how it is. Please, just stop with the gimmicks.

Non-News of the Day

As my soul brothers at Dodgerblues.com put it, "The sun rises. There's gridlock on the 405. And Eric Gagne is done for the season." Knock me over with a feather...

Somehow Monsieur Gagne suffered a herniated disk while on the DL for his disintegrating elbow.

As quickly as he rose from crappy AAA starter, Gagne has plummeted back down to earth. The guy who two years ago couldn't fart without picking up a save can't move now without further injuring himself. Though I enjoyed watching him in his prime not only as a Dodger fan, but as a baseball fan, looking back now one has to wonder if he was on something. A half-assed junkballer bulks up, starts throwing in the high 90s and then mysteriously when MLB starts testing for steroids, his body starts literally falling apart. Gagne's short life span reinforces my view that closers are a dime a dozen, but thats another rant for another day.

Not to be outdone, Kerry Wood suffered a torn rotator cuff and will be out for the season. A few years ago, this kid looked like the next Nolan Ryan. Now who knows what will become of him. One thing is certain, if he is ever to pitch again, the Cubs had damn sure better not rush him back. Good luck with that as long as Dusty Baker is the manager though...

Anti-All Star Team Revisited: Part Two

Two months ago I put together a two-part series naming my early selections for the Anti-All Star Team. You can check out the AL team here, and NL here. Granted that was only after a month's worth of games, and some of the early ballot favorites have snapped out of their funk, some have not. Now as we've reached the close of the real All-Star voting, I thought we'd go back and tweak our AAS lineup, as we assemble a fresh crop of pure craptitude.

I covered the NL the other week. Today we tackle the AL. Once again joining me, is fellow Saloon member Brant Brown, to offer his insight.

NATIONAL LEAGUE

FIRST BASE - Travis Lee, TB - .197, 4 HR, 13 RBI

Brant: Once upon a time, there was a great debate going on between who would be the better rookie 1B; Travis Lee or Todd Helton. We’ve had our answer for quite a while now. If all else fails, Travis Lee and Ben Grieve will always be able to find employment with the Devil Rays.

Chip: How is this guy still starting? Couldn't Tampa play Huff at 1B and platoon Wigginton and Branyan at 3B? Or move one of their 26 promising young outfielders they seem to have, especially if it means getting the hot-tempered Delmon Young up to The Show once and for all? Oh and check out that pic of Travis. Would you trust that guy around your kids? Didn't think so. He looks like a deranged Tom Hanks, circa "Bosom Buddies"

SECOND BASE - Mark Ellis, OAK - .219, 3 HR, 13 RBI

Brant: Not that Ellis is a star by any means, but no one expected him to be quite this rotten. A .219 average is not conducive to the logic of Moneyball.

Chip: Nor is a .288 OBP. Oakland fans are beginning to resent him. Not for his poor play, but for getting injured, thus forcing them to endure a full month of Marco Scutaro.

THIRD BASE - Aubrey Huff, TB - .283, 8 HR, 28 RBI

Brant: Good luck trading Huff off dumbasses! Should have done that at least two years ago and gotten some value out of him.

Chip: What a butthole. I picked the players for this team two weeks ago, back when he was hitting below .240 with only 4 HR. Now look what the guy has done. Perhaps this will improve his trade value for Tampa and they can pawn him off next month.

SHORTSTOP - Russ Adams - .229, 3 HR, 24 RBI

Brant: Um, Toronto has been so miffed at his lack of production that they moved Troy Glaus to SS. Troy Glaus does not have incredible range, to say the least.

Chip: Russ is feeling dejected, especially when he couldn't get the domain name he wanted for his own personal website

CATCHER - A.J. Pierzynski, CWS - .320, 6 HR, 29 RBI

Chip: Yeah, so we originally had Toby Hall picked here, but the Devil Rays decided to fleece the Dodgers and dump little Toby along with Mark Hendrickson for an up and coming catcher in Dioner Navarro, and Jae Seo, who isn't great, but should still be better than Hendrickson. So instead I will make one last bitter jab at my most hated player of the moment. How? How did this ass-clown win the Final Vote? Seriously a "Punch AJ" campaign is the reason behind this crap? Speaking of which, I really liked how MLB.com made a big to-do and wrote an article on "Punch AJ", meanwhile other Final Vote candidates didn't get a whiff of recognition. Nice job MLB. You helped an unworthy catcher get the final spot on the All-Star Team while guys like Jorge Posada, Victor Martinez, Kenji Johjima, and Michael Barrett get to watch at home. Seriously, look at this, and explain to me why AJ deserved to be on that final ballot over those other three. F' that guy.

OUTFIELD - Brian Anderson, CWS - .192, 5 HR, 20 RBI

Brant: When the Sox traded Rowand for Thome, they figured they could make due with Anderson as their CF. Unfortunately, no one told Anderson that he had to participate. Hey, you guys want Juan Pierre? You can have him for .30 cents on the dollar.

Chip: He hasn't even played well enough to be the most notable Brian Anderson in the league. At least Ozzie knows that when his CF is struggling at the plate you don't have to keep batting him at lead-off.

OUTFIELD - Rondell White, MIN - .182, 0 HR, 15 RBI

Brant: With Shannon Stewart coming back, and the glut of young OF in Minnesota, Rondell White and his knees will soon be relegated to the bench, or removed entirely from the roster. There isn’t even enough room for this guy to be the DH, which is his only “natural” position. He should have been put out to pasture long ago.

Chip: There are only 3 frickin' teams left in Major League Baseball that still play on artificial turf. Why would Rondell White and his papier-mâché knees sign with one of them? He should fire his agent.

OUTFIELD - Luis Matos, BAL - .207, 2 HR, 5 RBI

Brant: – Matos has been vastly outplayed by Corey Patterson. That makes me sick.

Chip: Matos was designated for assignment last week. Forget being outplayed by Patterson. Matos couldn't even keep a spot on a team that now starts both Jeff Conine and Nick Markakis in the outfield.

That wraps it up. Enjoy the real All-Star Game. Go National League!

This guy voted for Pierzynski

Bartender Banter: All-Star Selections

Well the All-Star rosters have been released. All in all they're not horrible. I don't have my thoughts organized well enough for a full-fledged article so here are some rambling notes instead.

• OK I can live with Michael Barrett not being a catcher for the NL (People must've thought Mike Piazza still plays for the Mets under the alias Paul Lo Duca), but they could've at least thrown him on the Final Vote ballot. Which leads me to my next point.


• How the H did our favorite White Trash Backstop, A.J. Pierzynski get on the AL Final Vote ballot? The number of talented catchers in both leagues is incredibly lop-sided right now, with the AL greatly tipping the scales. Pudge and Mauer were picked to the AL roster, which no one can really argue, but to have A.J. on the Final Vote ballot while other catchers like Jorge Posada, Kenji Johjima and Victor Martinez are completely snubbed is ridiculous. Ramon Hernandez deserves to be on the Final Vote ballot. A.J. could've been left off for Jason Giambi. Guillen already picked 6 White Sox for the roster, we don't need a 7th.


• Speaking of Ozzie Guillen, he's this year's recipient of the Cito Gaston Memorial "Complete Homer" Award for picking Bobby Jenks to the pitching staff. Wouldn't it be great if it was late in the game and Ozzie opts to put in Jenks over Mo Rivera or the Papelboner?


• Seriously is anyone still arguing that we should keep the rule that requires an All-Star representative from each team? When Mark Redman goes to parties now, will he introduce himself as "2006 All-Star Mark Redman"?


• I can't say for sure, but I'm gonna guess that everyone pretty much has the same response to seeing Gary Matthews' name on the roster. "Wait, is that for real?" I for one, had no idea he was hitting that well this season. This is the same guy who was hitting .200 for the Cubs 5 years ago and was barely hanging on to a backup OF gig. Good for him I guess. I got nothing against the Son of Sarge. He's my early favorite for the Melvin Mora Trophy, which goes to the player whose career unexpectedly blossoms after his 30th birthday.


• After reading all the analysis and watching all the reports, my predicted score for the ASG: American League 24, National League 2.


• Lastly, as people scurry to stuff all the ballots they can for the Final Vote. Thunder Matt's Saloon would like to announce they are endorsing Travis Hafner and Chris Capuano as their Final Vote picks. Hafner should be on this team, no doubt about it, and while Nomar has played good enough that he should probably be in, we here at TMS cannot endorse a known war criminal. Therefore we're going with the Chris "the Cub Killer" Capuano. Chris has gone 4-0 in 5 starts against us dating back to last season. He's struck out 25 in 35.1 innings of work in that span and has posted an ERA just a hair above 2.00. To steal a quote from Wes Mantooth, “I hate you more than anyone else on Earth, Chris Capuano. But damn it, I respect you!”

An Early Independence Day Surprise

Lets all just take our minds off baseball for a second and enjoy a different slice of Americana. The brand new, recently released video from America's, no scratch that, the world's favorite recording star. Please watch it in it's entirety, because right when you think it can't get any more bizarre, it does. From this day forward, let 'Jump In My Car' become the new National Anthem. Watch it here.