Even though I'm a Bears fan and I certainly don't like the Vikings or Packers, I don't possess any real animosity for either team. I was raised by Vikings & Packers fans. My mom was a lifelong Vikings fan until the Loveboat scandal drove her to become a Bears fan. My father was a Packers fan until he completely lost interest in football after the Super Bowl Shuffle "queered up the whole damn sport."
Like pretty much everyone else, I'm watching tonight's game in the hopes that Brett Favre gets his wrinkly ass handed to him. Multiple retirements are unacceptable in any sport that isn't boxing. Claiming that this whole thing "isn't about revenge" is just insulting; then admitting on Saturday that this whole thing sort of is about revenge is just petty. And don't get me started on those awful Wranglers commercials.
It's hard cheering for the Packers, but it's in the Bears' best interest that the Vikings lose tonight. It's also in my own best interest that Adrian Peterson rushes for 200 yards so my fantasy team gets a much-needed win. So with that, let the drunkblog begin...
5:35 - Stop the fucking hype and start the game! I don't care about wives, clips from 1997 or how bad the Browns are at stopping the run. Time for a drink.
5:39 -I hate Monday Night Football. I hate the pageantry. I hate how they keep their own records like it's separate from the regular season. And I hate Krystov vodka. But I'm going to put up with both tonight.
5:40 - Vikings FINALLY kick off. Returned to the Packers' 25. Aaron Rodgers takes the field.
5:44 - The horned-helmets & braids make me want some Swiss Miss Hot Cocoa. I don't care that Swiss Miss doesn't wear braids...
5:48 - Two consecutive 3rd & 7 conversions. Packers have a decent drive going...
5:49 - Except they just fumbled. Minnesota recovers. Favre to take the field after pick-up truck commercials.
6:01 - Brett Favre's wife looks like Alan Rickman in the Harry Potter movies. Favre threw a touchdown to Visanthe Shiancoe, whose name is weird enough to have come from the Harry Potter novels. Minnesota leads 7 - 0. Time for another drink.
6:10 - 62 yard touchdown pass from Rodgers to Finley. Extra point is good. This game is all tied up.
6:17 - Favre can't get anything going. 3 & out.
6:20 - First quarter is over. These are the worst Super Bowl commercials ever. What? This isn't the Super Bowl? Then why was there an 8 hour pre-game show?!?
6:25 - Packers go for it on 4th down & convert on amazing ricochet "catch." Then Rodgers throws an interception. Fuckers. Time for a drink.
6:27 - What's up with Danica Patrick in that Go Daddy commercial? She seems rather twitchy. Maybe she's got what Michael J. Fox has.
6:36 - Al Harris looks like the Predator.
6:40 - Favre threw another touchdown; this one to Sidney Rice. Vikings lead 14-7.
6:50 - Packers stripped Adrian Peterson of the ball and ran it back for the touchdown. Game tied up. Not that I'm complaining in this instance, but does anyone else think that stripping the ball is a bullshit move? I mean, causing a fumble with a hard, well-placed hit is one thing, but yanking the ball out is another. Whatever. It's vodka time.
7:01 - Peterson runs it in for a touchdown after a dubious pass interference call put the ball on the 1 yard line. Vikings retake the lead. 21-14. The announcers are all jerking each other off in the booth while watching replays of Brett Favre's heroics.
7:10- Halftime. Chris Berman does his "He...Could...Go...ALL...THE...WAY!" schtick. That segment should be called "The Longest 3 Minutes." Time for another shot of vodka.
7:23 - Start of the 3rd quarter. An open letter to Jesus Christ: Dear Jesus, please smite the person at ESPN who thought that the video montage with 'Bawitdaba' playing over it was a good idea.
7:29 - Touchdown to Berrian. Fucker wasn't that good on the Bears. Vikings lead 28-14. This one's getting away from the Packers. I've never seen such an anemic pass rush in my life. Drinky time.
7:46 - Green Bay going for it on 4th & goal. Pretty ballsy...
7:48 - and stupid. Pass is dropped in the end zone. Minnesota takes over on downs. Time to take a shot of Krystov....
7:56 - The ESPN announcers' collective boner for Favre has drained so much blood away from their brains that some of them predict Minnesota is going to the Super Bowl.
8:05 - Rodgers sacked for the 6th time tonight. Green Bay's offensive line should commit suicide after the game.
8:14 - Vikings to punt. Adam to drink. Ball downed on Green Bay's 1 yard line.
8:19 - Vikings to get the ball back. Depending on the challenge, it's either a safety or a fumble. Either way, this game is over. Fucking Vikings. I HATE YOU FAVRE.
8:24 - It's a safety, which is better than giving Minnesota the ball on Green Bay's 1. Still, this shit is over. Now the announcers are going to release their praise of Favre that they've been holding back just in case Green Bay made a spectacular comeback. More vodka.
8:33- Rodgers throws a touchdown to Jordy Nelson. Didn't he used to write for this blog? The two point conversion is NO GOOD. Shot time.
8:37 - Green Bay's onside kick = FAIL. Minnesota has the ball on their own 45.
8:47 - For all intents & purposes, this game is over, but Green Bay is trying to keep it interesting. They're on Minnesota's 18. At least they were, until Rodgers got sacked...again.
8:50 - Green Bay kicks a field goal. They trail 23-30. Another on-side kick attempt forthcoming. I want Green Bay to win, but I doubt my liver couldn handle sudden death.
8:50 - Minnesota recovers. The game is over; for real this time. Time for the final shot of vodka...
9:02 - Here are the QB stats:
Favre: 24/31. 271 yards. 3 touchdowns. 0 interceptions. QB rating: 135.3
Rodgers: 26/37. 384 yards. 2 touchdowns. 1 interception. 1 fumble. QB rating: 110.6
The Winner: The Minnesota Vikings. They're now 4-0.
The Real Winner: Adam Blank. 11 shots of shitty vodka in 3 hours and 20 minutes. I'm the motherfuckin' Horse Trailer Player of the fucking game. I'd like to thank the good people at Krystov Vodka and the smart motherfucker who invented spellchecker. Good night.