Things You Think You Want to Happen In Life That Would Actually Suck

October 08, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Adam Blank

Life is a lot like an episode of The Twilight Zone. There's a moralist agenda thrust upon us at every turn, endings come out of left field and we get to have sex with robot-women on a distant prison planet. I just watched "A Nice Place to Visit," about a gangster who dies and goes to a paradise where everything he desires is handed to him, only to find this arrangement unsatisfactory. It got me thinking of other Things You Think You Want to Happen in Life That Would Actually Suck...


Why You Think It's a Good Idea: You think you want to date a stripper because they're generally hot and have low inhibitions. Also, they usually smell of cigarettes & cheap liquor, which is a huge turn-on. Plus, your idiot friends will think you're some kind of god.

Why It Really Isn't: With regular girlfriends, you generally suspect they're rubbing their breasts in other guy's faces when you aren't around. Since you can't prove it, you're able to muster enough doubt to get some sleep at night. With strippers, you don't even have the comfort of self-delusion.

TRUE STORY TIME: A long time ago, I briefly dated a stripper. One night, she offered to model off all her tiny little stripper outfits for me and me alone. Like the gangster in the Twilight Zone episode, at first I thought I had died and gone to heaven. 10 minutes in, I knew that I was in hell. I learned a very important lesson that day: Seeing a woman model different outfits, regardless of how revealing they are, is fucking BORING. If any women are reading this, spread the word: The moment we see you naked, your choice in all future clothing decisions ceases to matter to us. A burlap sack becomes just as sexy as THIS, because we know what you're hiding beneath it. Don't waste your ill-gotten stripper cash on outfits, spend it on penicillin.


Why You Think It's a Good Idea: World peace has been the lofty, unreachable objective of the human race since nations realized that there's just no viable way to wipe out every other country without severe monetary reparations and/or environmental devastation. But, for a moment, imagine the bliss that would ensue if all the nations and people on the planet could get on the same page and stop annihilating each other...

Why It Really Isn't A Good Idea: It would suck. What would you read about when you sneak onto Yahoo's homepage when you should be working? What would happen to 24 hour cable news? What would become of The Colbert Report? Peace is boring! Besides, think of how many people are employed manufacturing bullets, guns, tanks, microchips for drone aircraft, etc. Millions of hard-working people would suddenly find themselves without a source of income. And because it all eventually trickles down, sooner or later this would have severe consequences on every other industry and, ultimately, you'd all lose your jobs. Then we'd all be bored & unemployed. Let me tell you, that's a dangerous combination that only leads to hard drinking and asinine blog posts.
Even worse, we'd lose all our comebacks to throw in the face of annoying whiners.
Nowadays, a conversation happens like this:

Idiot X: "I can't believe they remade A Nightmare on Elm Street! My neck hurts! I got fired for drawing wieners on company time!"

You: "Stop your bitching, asshole. At least you don't live in Darfur..."

Once world peace is declared:

Idiot X: "My parents expect me to pay back the student loans I took out in their names! They should know my Cracker Barrel paycheck won't cover it! And they want me to chip in on the rent, too!"

You: "Sadly, that's the worst problem in the entire world..."


Why You Think It's a Good Idea: If all the years of oppression and pent-up hostilities could be wiped away with the wave of a magic wand and replaced with complete equality for all without lingering bitterness, resentment and self-deprecation, who wouldn't want to sign the planet up?

Why It Really Isn't A Good Idea: If racism ended tomorrow, a new Michael Richards sitcom would be in the works for 2010. Mel Gibson would go back to being an A-list celebrity instead of a punch line. And people would have no reason to dislike Eric Clapton.

Also, what would happen to the Republican party? Without a constant stream of paranoia directed at brown people, how would they construct a cohesive political platform?

Most importantly, what would the washed-up & disgruntled Cubs outfielders blame for their lousy performances?


Why You Think It's a Good Idea: Who doesn't want to see the best musicians from their favorite bands work together to create something magical?

Why It Really Isn't A Good Idea: It just doesn't work. Don't believe me? Name two songs performed by Mad Season...I'll wait. Ok, maybe that's not the best example. Let's answer some more questions...

Would you rather listen to a Bob Dylan album or an album from The Traveling Wilburys?

What was the status of the Berlin Wall the last time you listened to "We Are The World" unironically?

What year did you try to trade in your A Perfect Circle CD?

That's what I thought.

Now we have Thom Yorke's collaboration with Flea and a bunch of other musicians from well-known ensembles. Full disclosure, I haven't listened to a second of their music and don't see myself doing so anytime soon. While it's probably a helluva lot of fun for reputable musicians to form short-lived jam bands with established peers, it's not so fun for the rest of us who are supposed to be the target audiences of these abominations.