American Idol Update: Week 3

March 04, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Governor X

I've seen the polls and the American Idol Update is about as popular as Rush Limbaugh's Russian mobster outfit at CPAC, but I press on. Why? Well, it's this or more recipes. Don't worry. This is the last two-hour Bataan Death March Idol for awhile, so after this week they'll be mercifully brief. Allison, Kris, and Adam survived the crap gauntlet last week. Let week three's waterboarding begin:

Von Smith - Von looks like a lesbian pig. Aside from that, and I really don't want to beat a dead horse here but, white people need to promise not to sing soul songs ever again. Just stop that already. You're white, you have no soul.

Taylor Vaifanua - The nice Mormon girl from Utah attempts Alicia Keys. The nice Mormon girl fails. She's going to make someone a great sister wife when she turns 18 though.

Alex Wagner-Trugman - He sings like a middle aged woman after too many drinks, but he has a little war with Simon that's mildly entertaining. I'd keep him around for that alone.

Arianna Afsar - I'll give her this, she sings ABBA better than Pierce Brosnan does. Take that for what its worth.

Ju'not Joyner - I really wanted to hate this guy for singing Hey There Delilah, one of the most grotesque perversions of music in the last decade, but his soulful rendition actually sounded really good. As usual, I am completely floored when someone on this show has real talent.

Kristen McNamara - She was so boring I've already forgotten what I was going to say about her.

Nathaniel Marshall - So that's what a flamboyantly gay man singing Meat Loaf sounds like. No thanks.

Felicia Barton - Another girl tries Alicia Keys. Another girl fails. The voice cracking halfway through the song is never a good sign.

Scott MacIntyre - Blind Guy bores us to tears with a little Bruce Hornsby. At least he started the high five with Ryan tonight.

Kendall Beard - This girl is just a boob job away from a playboy spread. She can't sing, but fortunately for her she wants to be a country star. Talent isn't necessarily a requirement to be a modern country singer, particularly if you're a hot blond. *cough*Carrie Underwood*cough*

Jorge Nuñez - Jorge is from Puerto Rico, which is not a country. Apparently it isn't an island that produces good singers either. Muy muy malo.

Lil Rounds - If this singing thing doesn't pan out, at least she has her stripper name ready to go. I guess she can sing okay, this just isn't my type of music.

And that's it. Is there anything more sad than Kara "it's not delivery it's" DioGuardi busting out the little hip hop slang? Why yes, yes there is. The women this week were terrible, but most of them were hot, so its an okay trade off. Lil Rounds was probably the best. The stand out among the men was Ju'not, and I don't think he'll be having any difficulty making it to the next round. Vote for the Worst has selected Alex, and I'm not going to argue. Paula was disturbingly coherent this week, so the best Paulaism I could collect was this bit of vaguely sexual innuendo:

You know when to pull back. You know when to push forward.