TMS Most Wanted: Sean Rodriguez

February 17, 2016 | Comments (0) | by Shooter Muldoon

In Major League Baseball, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: The Cubs, who are the greatest, and everyone else, who can go sleep in a dumpster. These are their stories.


Sean John Rodriguez (1B/2B/OF, PIT)

Known Aliases

Shawn Rodriguez
Seen Rodriguez (I always read Sean like that)
Mr. Tough Guy
Ooooo We Got a Bad Ass Here
BRO He Aint Worth It Bro BRO
Ed Hardy IV
Inigo Montoya with IBS

Summary of Offenses

Stolen from this guy's Twitter

- His Gatorade-bashing "HOLD ME BACK BRO (no seriously please hold me back why isn't anyone holding me back)" moment during last year's Wild Card game is the reason we thought to create this public service ...

- ... and if that wasn't enough, he then apologized for it with a bible quote, which is one of the more obnoxious things an athlete can do. Don't go all Tebow on us now. Might as well get liquored up on Red Bull Vodkas (seems like that would be his drink) and punch a club bouncer.

Criminal History

Proud owner of a .240/.269/.540 slash line against the Cubs in 27 plate appearances. He's more of an adorable scamp than a full-fledged supervillain.

Dick Tracy Crimestopper Facts

- If you should encounter one or more Seans Rodriguez, notify appropriate authorities. Any mediocre righty long reliever should be more than capable of handling the situation.

- Do not attempt to disable a Sean Rodriguez with a blast of Axe Body Spray to the eyes. It will only make him stronger and inflame his mating instinct.