Now it's time for the Colorado Rockies!
|HURR I'M WALT WEISS|
Last Season: 68-94 (Dead Last Place in NL West)
So Long: Kyle Kendrick, Justin Morneau, John Axford, Rex Brothers, Wilin Rosario, Corey Dickerson, Christian Friedrich
Welcome: Jason Motte, Chad Qualls, Mark Reynolds, Gerardo Parra, Jake McGee
Projected Lineup (via Rotochamp.com)
Charlie Blackmon CF
Jose Reyes SS
Carlos Gonzalez RF
Nolan Arenado 3B
Gerardo Parra LF
DJ LeMahieu 2B
Mark Reynolds 1B
Nick Hundley C
Starting Rotation: Jorge de la Rosa, David Hale, Chad Bettis, Chris Rusin, Jon Gray, Yohan Flande
Setup: Jason Motte, Jairo Diaz
Closer: Jake McGee
Rap Lyric That Sums Up Their 2015 Season:
"Hey yo, where'd you get this place from, the Hellhole Store?"- Das Racist, 'Rainbow in the Dark'
Ahhh, Denver. Those fans don't know how lucky they truly are. If it wasn't for the legal marijuana and the Super Bowl Honeymoon Afterglow, they would have nothing to really distract them from how piss-poor the Rockies are. And they really do run the gamut of truly sucking both on and off the field. Yes they have what looks like a pretty good offense, but here's exactly what the Rockies are gonna do to the prime years of Nolan Arenado's career: surround him with juuuuust enough talent on offense to score 6 runs a game at home and fold that right in with a pitching staff that's a safe bet to give up 9. It's what they did for Tulo's prime. And Carlos Gonzalez's. And Todd Helton's. And Matt Holliday's. And Larry Walker's.
I will give their front office this: I sure as hell don't know what to do with this team either. They tried to out-bash the other team in the early Andres Gallaraga/Dante Bichette/Blake Street Bombers days and that didn't work. They tried to go pitching and defense in the Mike Hampton/Denny Neagle/Juan Pierre days and that also didn't work. Hell, the World Series run they went on 2007 (Rockies in 6!) came off the back of a fluke win in the Wild Card game to even reach the first round (Holliday was out so get over it, Denver).
That said, the front office is quickly moving up the speed dial of every other GM in the league. They trade Tulowitzki for Latin Chris Brown at SS after wasting all but one of his seasons in Denver. Then they fail to cash in on John Axford before he turned back into a mouthbreathing 4.20 ERA (ha ha 420 get it???) pitcher. Then they sign Gerrardo Parra to an already-full outfield, losing leverage in any/all trade talks because everyone knew the Rockies had to move someone. When they did move their one cheap and talented asset (Corey Dickerson), they got back...a closer? What kind of rebuilding team trades for a closer? Corey Dickerson doesn't even go to arbitration until 2017 and you trade him for a closer?
And Denver fans still have the 'Carlos Gonzalez For 2 AA Pitchers With Control Problems And A Used Treadmill' trade to look forward to this season!
Reason To Watch: There's only one acceptable reason: a hitter on your fantasy team is playing at Coors. That's it.
Reason To Drink: Not only did the Rockies give up Troy Tulowitzki for Jose Reyes and some Mad Dog 20/20, but now Jose Reyes goes all Josh Brolin with the domestic violence thing? Seriously, I cannot stress how awful this front office is.
The Fans: Come mid April? Something like this:
Their Worst Contract: They're paying Jose Reyes $22 million this season. They're paying Jorge De La Rosa $12.5 million this season. Christ, even Justin Morneau is making $750K and Justin Morneau is legally dead (#ctegone2soon).
Fantasy Standout: Nolan Arenado. Kid is legit and he actually got kind of unlucky on home run % last year (or I've had too much to drink already and it's the exact opposite but I know I read something at some point in a blog much better than ours there I said it don't you look at me like that whatever just go to the next one
Fantasy Bust: How have we gotten through three team previews before I realized that we're typing 'FANTASY BUST'? That sounds like a push up bra you would find in a gas station. And not a nice gas station. Like a gas station for dogs who are poor. Don't ask me why the dogs stick to cars that still burn oil and refuse to go electric, thus continuing demand for locally dog-owned gas stations to exist. It's probably why they're poor.
The Human Behavior Oddity Equivalent To This Team Is: That touristy thing to do in your area that everyone from out of town wants to do but because you live so close to it you actually never get around to it because you take for granted that it's there for you to do any time. Maybe 2 times over an entire summer you think "Oh yeah, that's still a thing, huh?" and then completely forget about it all over again.