Grading the March Madness Underdogs - Part 2

6:00 AM | Comments (0) | by Governor X

Welcome to part 2 of TMS' March Madness Underdog Preview...time to grade the 13 seeds! Just as a refresher, here are our criteria:

  1. Nickname - Does it make sense? Is it badass or lame?
  1. Notable Alumni - I'm just picking one. It's not quantity, it's quality here.
  1. Indigenous Bears Nearby - This is pretty self-explanatory
  1. Resume Prestige - Does this school look good on your resume?
  1. Proximity to my house - Can I drive there, or do I need to get on a god damn plane?
  1. Name Brevity - This is serious. I have no time for your 9 syllable school. This isn't Serbia.
  1. Elevation above sea level - The higher the better, because... melting ice caps or something.

The 13 seeds

Hawaii


Where the fuck is this? 
Just outside of Reykjavik, Iceland.

1. Nickname - Rainbow Warriors. I don't really get this. Rainbows aren't really aggressive. D+

2. Notable Alumni - Michael Savage. The right wing bile spewer has masters degrees in anthropology and ethnobotany from Hawaii. F

3. Indigenous Bears Nearby - The only bears in Hawaii are the fat gay kind. F

4. Resume Prestige - I'm going to go out on a limb and say this isn't the most serious school. They probably have a top notch volcano studies program though. C

5. Proximity To My House - 4,000+ km/2,500+miles and no roads. F

6. Name Brevity - Way too many syllables. F

7. Elevation Above Sea Level - 47m/154ft. F

Final GPA: 0.55, so Walmart then?

UNC Wilmington

Where the fuck is this? 
The place they filmed Dawson's Creek.

1. Nickname - Seahawks. This reminds me that Pete Carroll is a 9/11 truther. B+

2. Notable Alumni - John Calipari and Skeet Ulrich attended, but didn't graduate. F

3. Indigenous Bears Nearby - Right in prime black bear country. They are the rats of the woods. A

4. Resume Prestige - It's a hyphenated school in North Carolina near a military base with no notable alumni. F

5. Proximity To My House - 36 hours in the car. F

6. Name Brevity - The name Seahawks is OK, but it's the whole "University of North Carolina - Wilmington" part that is troublesome. D

7. Elevation Above Sea Level - 11m/37ft. F

Final GPA: 1.38

Stony Brook


Where the fuck is this? 
Out on Long Island. That's in New York gang.

1. Nickname - Seawolves. Brief and to the point, but wolves don't go in the sea. D

2. Notable Alumni - Dr. Laura. You might remember her from her talk show and being an all around terrible person. F

3. Indigenous Bears Nearby - All the wildlife on Long Island has been exterminated. F

4. Resume Prestige - They seem to have an actual academic program, unlike some of these other tournament schools. B+

5. Proximity To My House - 40 hours in the car. F

6. Name Brevity - It's fine. Kind of rolls off the tongue. B

7. Elevation Above Sea Level - 43m/142ft. F

Final GPA: 1.22

Iona

Where the fuck is this? 
More New Yorkers. Ugh.

1. Nickname - Gaels. Your nickname is a Gaelic speaking person? D-

2. Notable Alumni - Don McLean. Famous for that 20 minute long song about pie. B-

3. Indigenous Bears Nearby - Too close to New York City for bears on campus, but you wouldn't have to drive far to see black bears eating out of garbage cans. C+

4. Resume Prestige - It's a Christian college, so I'm just going to assume it's a scam like Azusa Pacific University or the Pope. D-

5. Proximity To My House - 40 hours in the car. F

6. Name Brevity - Quick and to the point, even if both the college name and nickname are terrible. B+

7. Elevation Above Sea Level - 162m/532ft. F

Final GPA: 1.28

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