TMS Team Preview: The 2016 Los Angeles Angels in the Outfield of Anaheim California

March 14, 2016 | Comments (0) | by Governor X

Over the coming weeks, Thunder Matt's Saloon will have previews of all 30 MLB teams. We're starting at the bottom and working our way up based on the current Vegas odds for winning the 2016 World Series.

Today we look at the Angels.

No, not those angels. Is that Annabeth Gish in the middle? She doesn't age.

2015 Finish: 85-77, 3rd place in the AL West

So Long: David Freese, Chris Iannetta, Matt Joyce, Serial Killer Mat Latos, Shane Victorino, David Murphy, David DeJesus, Erick Aybar
Welcome: Andrelton Simmons, Cliff Pennington, Geovany Soto, Craig Gentry, Daniel Nava, Yunel Escobar, Al Alburquerque

Projected Lineup via
1. Yunel Escobar, 3B
2. Kole Calhoun, RF
3. Mike Trout, CF
4. Albert Pujols, DH
5. C.J. Cron, 1B
6. Daniel Nava, LF
7. Andrelton Simmons, SS
8. Carlos Perez, C
9. Johnny Giovatella, 2B

Starting Rotation: Garrett Richards, Andrew Heaney, C.J. Wilson, Jered Weaver, Matt Shoemaker
Setup: Joe Smith, Fernando Salas, Jose Alvarez, Mike Morin, Cory Rasmus, Hector Santiago
Closer: Huston Street

Rap Lyric Loosely Related to the Team: 
"Disneyland rappers, go the fuck back to Anaheim"
- Davideo, The Admiral's Lounge (Interlude)

When I looked up their record, I really couldn't believe the Angels went 85-77 last year. They were largely ignored both locally and nationally, so the only two things that immediately came to mind were Arte Moreno finally pulling the plug on Josh Hamilton and the annual speculation that Mike Scioscia might get fired. He wasn't. I have nothing else to say about the 2015 Angels.

Now these 2016 Angels? Well, I don't have a lot to say about them either. This team just sits there year after year in some expensive, past-its-prime purgatory. You probably know a lot of those names above, but that's because they were good like five years ago. Pujols? .244 hitter now. Jered Weaver? Hahaha, see below. Huston Street? Still has a stripper's stage name. I don't know whether this team is going to win 85 games again or lose 85, but I can guaranfuckingtee you they won't be winning the world series. 

Reason to Watch: Let's be honest. The only reason to watch this team is Mike Trout. It's truly amazing how he has overcome polio to become one of the Top 22 center fielders in the game. His idiot mother really should have gotten him vaccinated.

Reason to Drink: 
Pedro Moura ‏@pedromoura
One scout in attendance has Jered Weaver topping out at 80 mph in two innings today. He threw a 78-mph fastball Austin Barnes hit for a HR.
The Fans: Angel fans fit into three categories: 1) True believers - My family is from Anaheim and can count on one hand the number of real hardcore fans I knew before the frauds showed up. Speaking of which... 2) Lifelong Angels Fans Since 2002 - Oh man did a lot of "lifelong" fans come out of the woodwork when they won the world series. Where were you hiding before? Sizzler? 3) Kids - Hi Leo.

Their Worst Contract: They still owe Josh Hamilton $40 million to play for a division rival.

Fantasy Standout: If you can get passed his stupid name and penchant for eating frozen corn dog bites, Kole Calhoun showed a lot of power and promise last year. If your league awards points for players standing on their hind legs, even better. 

Fantasy Bust: Garrett Richards, the Angels "ace," had an ERA pushing 4 coming off of knee surgery last season. Sure he could get better, but are you really going to take that chance?

The Pop Culture Equivalent To This Team Is: They used to be owned by Disney. Probably something Disney. Maybe one of those old racist cartoons no one talks about anymore.