TMS Request Line: Rating the Selfies of Ryne Sandberg's Instagram Account

March 09, 2016 | Comments (2) | by Rich Funk

It might seem like Thunder Matt's Saloon is just an excuse for a bunch of aging Gen X-ers and Millennials to complain about how everything sucks and relive their blogging glory days that weren't really even that glorious. But we are here for the people, and we give the people what they want. TMS REQUEST LINE!

Even though we haven't really pushed it on anyone and there's not much of a way to find it anywhere on this site, we do have a Facebook page (check it out here). We mostly use it to push our content in front of unsuspecting social media users and hope to pad our traffic numbers from toddlers who have commandeered the closest smartphone and are attracted to the colorful pictures.

(Seriously though, like our page on Facebook. We'll be doing some random giveaways starting soon-ish and you don't want to miss out on the random Cubs stuff we've collected around these parts over the years.)

One thing that Facebook allows us to do is interact with you, the people. And sometimes you people (not 'you people' know, right?) have requests for us. And we will fulfill them. So what's the first request to come in to our TMS ThunderPhone you ask?

Blurring used to protect those who probably don't want an employer to find out they have any connection to us
Ah yes, with the news that Ryne Sandberg has joined the Cubs as an ambassador (AKA 'Sorry you got fired from being a manager and since we feel bad for you we'll just pay you to be around), Sandberg Fever is returning for the first time since 1997. And if someone is going to be one of the faces of your team, you want to make sure that face is putting in work, right?

After reviewing Mr. Sandberg's Instagram account, we're going to split this into 2 parts. I am going to review the top 3 selfies in Ryno's account and my colleague Governor X will pick what he considers to be the bottom 3 and rank those as well. The twist is that I won't know which selfies the Governor has picked until after my rankings are done, so there's a good chance of overlap.

Let the great experiment begin!

Rich's Top 3 Ryno Selfies:

1. The "Cover All The Bases" (GET IT? BECAUSE BASEBALL??)

When you think of the face of a franchise, a guy you're paying money just to hang out and be an ambassador, THIS picture is what you should be thinking of. It checks off all the boxes.

Does he flash that politician smile? You better believe it. Ol' Ryno has still got the look that made all the ladies of the 80's swoon. Look at those goddamn teeth. Those are some high-quality Joe Biden-level teeth/possibly dentures. That is a smile you can vote for.

Is he showing off the brand? Ain't no cheap '47 Brand Cubs hat here. Ryno only sports the best and toughest for his #1 selfie. That's the league authentic model right there. One of his jobs is to sell merch to the masses, so he might as well sport the most expensive Cubs hat out there.

Does he care about the people? He absolutely does. Look, this guy is going to be shaking a ton of hands all summer. And Ryno knows better than anyone that warm weather colds are worse than losing to the Brewers, so he's got his giant sized bottle of hand sanitizer strategically placed over his left shoulder. It tells you "Hey, I'm not afraid to get in there and make a connection, but I'm going to do it in a germ free way, so no need to sweat it!" THAT is an ambassador I want.

2. The "Your Youngest Uncle Just Got An Instagram Account"

I like where this is going. If you've got an ambassador for your team, you want them to be approachable and likable. This picture has both in spades.

Approachable: "Hey man! You work in your yard too? I love yard work. And there's nothing I love more than yard work, except for following it up by stopping at Lou Malnati's, the best deep dish in the city! See? I'm just like you! We have so much in common! So let's go get some pizza and maybe drop $650 to bring your family of 4 to a Platinum date Cubs game!"

Likable: "Whoa man, how does this crazy smartphone work? I'm not even centered in the picture! Even though I have enough money to pay someone to take these pictures for me, I want to do it myself! Man, I'm super likable, but in that way where it just comes naturally! So about those Platinum games..."

3. The "Just Hangin' With Bae"

If you want to reach these young kids today through their constant fog of Dan Fogelberg music, hula hoops and Pac Man video games, you have to relate to them. What better way to do that than to snap a picture of you and your Beyonce in front of your favorite Santa Monica coffee place? Could a man bun for Ryno be next? Solid pic.

Governor X's Bottom 3 Ryno Selfies

3rd Worst

Why are there two pictures here? That’s poor selfie game. Also, why is there a box on the green? That’s going to make it very difficult to putt. Do you think Ryne uses a “long putter?” I hope not. If you use a long putter, you’re cheating and need punched. Take note Mr. Sandberg.

2nd Worst

There’s a dating app for singles over 50 called I’m sure Ryne is happily married or whatever, but this seems very much like a selfie your divorced dad would take for that site. “Ladies will dig the hat and how I nonchalantly have my glasses hanging from my Kohl’s collared shirt.” – Divorced Dad before receiving no replies to his ad and quietly masturbating to Rene Russo in The Thomas Crown Affair.

The Worst

No no. Nothing adds up here. Tree trimming day? Well OK Ryne, why do you have some horrible ball-crushing torture device slung over your shoulder? That’s for extracting information from prisoners, not trimming trees. Also that smile. No one is that happy to be trimming trees. Some people really like crushing prisoner’s balls though. Just who is he holding captive? Has anyone seen former Cubs manager Tom Trebelhorn lately? It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.


Shooter Muldoon @ 4:09 PM, March 09, 2016

Rich, you bag of crap. 47 Brand is quality, and they make sizes up to XXL easily available for Muldoon-sized heads. Plus, they're like 30 bucks, Senator Moneypockets.

Pink case @ 6:20 PM, March 09, 2016

Still with " The Tooth ". It was there in 84 and if you're an Inspector Gadget, as I am, you'll notice when he got his veneers his dentist downplayed it instead of fixing it. Like all geezers my age, we remember how difficult it was for him to engage with the public. His only public speaking address was to inform the masses of his ( first ) decision to retire from baseball. Behind him was his ( cheating with Davy) wife stalking around in her corn dress. It was unbearable to watch. He was a great player , but as an ambassador - I don't think so.