TMS Team Preview: The 2016 Cincinnati Reds

March 02, 2016 | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan

Over the coming weeks, Thunder Matt's Saloon will have previews of all 30 MLB teams. We're starting at the bottom and working our way up based on the current Vegas odds for winning the 2016 World Series.

Today we look at the trash fire that is the Cincinnati Reds.
Some shit you can't unsee.
2015 Finish: 64-98 (Last Place in NL Central)

So Long: Sean Marshall, Skip Schumaker, Brennan Boesch, Todd Frazier, Aroldis Chapman

Welcome: Jose Peraza, Scott Schebler, crippling depression

Projected Lineup (via
1. Zack Cozart SS
2. Joey Votto, 1B
3. Brandon Phillips 2B
4. Devin Mesoraco C
5. Jay Bruce RF
6. Eugenio Suarez 3B
7. Scott Schebler LF
8. Billy Hamilton CF

Starting Rotation: Anthony DeSclafani, Raisel Iglesias, Michael Lorenzen, Brandon Finnegan, Homer Bailey (Injured, back in May)
Setup: Jumbo Diaz
Closer: J.J. Hoover

I hate the god damn Reds. I take great joy in seeing them be miserable. So imagine my glee last season when they finished dead last in the NL Central. Even the fucking Brewers were better than them, but that's another story for tomorrow. 64-98 marked their worst finish since 1982. When the highlight of your season is Todd Frazier at the Home Run Derby you know there's a problem.

So now what? Only one way to go but up right? Well...

If 2015 wound up being disaster, strap in for 2016 because it's gonna be worse. The Reds lost 4 of their top 6 WAR guys from last season and the only main players they brought in are rookies and prospects. Todd Frazier is gone, as is Cueto and Leake who were traded last season. So now you have Eugenio Suarez at 3B and a rotation led by Anthony DeSclafani and Raisel Iglesias, who both do have some promise, but are far from polished yet. Good news though, you couldn't trade Brandon Phillips! I'm sure Walt Jocketty has a rebuilding plan in place. Like the Cubs a couple seasons ago, it's just going to be atrocious to watch for a while, and I'm going to revel in it.

The Reds 2015 Season in Brief.
Reason To Watch: None. I can't think of a single reason to watch this bullshit. The only good player they have is Big Canadian Asshole Joey Votto and fans can't even appreciate him properly. "HE'S GOTTA STOP WALKING AND HIT MORE!" Fuck you. The man is an on-base phenomenon that still hits for a .300+ average. Maybe worry more about your super fast outfielder getting on base so he can actually do what he's good at. You can't steal first Billy! Anyway my point is, Joey Votto is a piece of shit but good at baseball and you guys need to enjoy him while he's still there.

Reason To Drink: Well if you're a Cincy fan you're probably on crystal meth, but holy shit this bullpen. Now that Chokey McBangBang has been traded to the Yankees the closer job has been handed off to J.J. Hoover who is qualified simply because he's been there for a while. It's like the dude who's worked at Arby's for 6 years and just gets handed assistant manager simply because everyone else has been there for only 7 months. If he fails they could give the job to Jumbo Diaz who at least is better in the "interesting backstory" category. Dude was in the minors for 13 years before getting the call up in 2014. He's the Dominican Bobby Scales. So that's something, I guess.

The Fans: Buncha fucking CHUDs that eat chili on spaghetti. No one wants to hear about the Big Red Machine you asshole. I guess you can talk about the Nasty Boys though. They were cool. And Chris Sabo's goggles. Actually I'm kind of OK with the whole 1990 Reds minus Nazi sympathizer Marge Schott. Barry Larkin was legit too. So yeah, if you wanna talk about one very specific sliver of time regarding the Reds I'll listen. Otherwise fuck off.

Their Worst Contract: Joey Votto is signed on until the Rapture. He's getting $20 million this season, then he'll get $22 million in 2017. Then in 2018, the fifth year in a TEN YEAR CONTRACT, when he'll be 34 years old, Joey gets $25 million. And he gets $25 million the year after that, and the year after that, and they year after that, and the year after that, and the year after that. In 2024 he has a $20 million club option. He'll be 40 years old. After that he'll be encased in amber and put on display behind the right field stands. Pete Rose will be signing autographs for $20 at a card table next to it.

Fantasy Standout: Joey Votto. Without a doubt. If you play in an OBP league his value skyrockets. I hate the guy and I think he's a prick but that's not stopping me from putting him on my roster. If he can stay healthy he'll put up decent numbers, even if his surrounding cast is a massive garbage fart.

Fantasy Bust: Billy Hamilton. Look, I realize stolen bases are at a premium now more than ever. But is drafting him at the round or price he's going for really worth it? There's other guys that can steal plenty of bases for you that won't light your AVG on fire and may even help out in other categories. The dude had a .563 OPS last year and can't even be relied on in the leadoff spot. Pass.

The Pop Culture Equivalent To This Team Is: Season 6 of "According to Jim". Why the fuck did you start watching this to begin with? Why are you STILL watching it? You're a terrible person and you should feel bad.