Grading the March Madness Underdogs - Part 3

March 16, 2016 | Comments (1) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan

Welcome back for Part 3 of our comprehensive report cards of the March Madness underdogs. We tackled the 12 seeds and the 13 seeds. Now we wade into darker waters to talk about the 14 seeds. It'll be ok guys. I'm grading you here, not Governor X. I know his grading curve is a bit tough. Like the stodgy professor in the movies that's a bit of a hard ass, and then you bring a homeless Joe Pesci to class and homeless Joe Pesci gives a passionate speech about the Constitution or something and everyone claps and the professor looks kind of stupid and we're all supposed to have learned something from it and I forget what else happens.

As before we will be grading on the following criteria.
  • Nickname - Does it make sense? Is it badass or lame?
  • Notable Alumni - I'm just picking one. It's not quantity, it's quality here.
  • Indigenous Bears Nearby - This is pretty self-explanatory
  • Resume Prestige - Does this school look good on your resume?
  • Proximity to my house - Can I drive there, or do I need to get on a god damn plane?
  • Name Brevity - This is serious. I have no time for your 9 syllable school. This isn't Serbia.
  • Elevation Above Sea Level - The higher the better, because... melting ice caps or something.
Make sense? No? Well, fuck it we're rolling with it anyway.

Also homeless Joe Pesci dies at the end. SPOILER!


Where the fuck is this? 
Buffalo, New York. Representing the MAC.

1. Nickname - Bulls. This is just confusing. You have an animal in your school name already and then you pick a similar sounding one that is one letter away from your NFL team? I know the alliteration thing is cool and all but I feel like someone could've tried harder here, or even tried at all. D+

2. Notable Alumni - Charles Mingus. Don't get much cooler than that. A

3. Indigenous Bears Nearby - My sources say there are black bears in the surrounding areas of Buffalo. One might wander into town but if they're wearing a pair of Zubaz pants and a Jim Kelly jersey no one will probably notice or care. C+

4. Resume Prestige - Some quick reading suggests Buffalo is a pretty legit college and a major research university. It even boasts a president as an alum. Bummer that it's Millard Fillmore though. B+

5. Proximity To My House - About 11 and a half hours to drive it, with a large chunk of the drive through shitass Indiana and Ohio. C

6. Name Brevity - This is one of those State University of New York bullshit things. Bravo on cutting out all the crap and just going with Buffalo here. I don't need you spouting off that long ass name. I'm already onto my next basket of wings and 4th can of Molson, and I forgot what the fuck I even asked you. B+

7. Elevation Above Sea Level - 600 feet. Not bad. Actually yes it is bad. F


Green Bay

Where the fuck is this? 
Green Bay, Wisconsin. They play in the Horizon League which sounds like it'd be a bunch of massage schools.

1. Nickname - Phoenix. Well it's different, I'll give them that. A giant bird made of fire is kind of bad ass I suppose. Yeah, I think I'm ok with th- WAIT your mascot's name is spelled Phlash? C-

2. Notable Alumni - Tony Shalhoub went there but didn't graduate. This is the literal opposite of having Charles Mingus as an alum. F

3. Indigenous Bears Nearby - Well you're not looking good out of the gate here Green Bay but you aced the final here. Northern Wisconsin is a prime "bearea." B+

4. Resume Prestige - You major in ice fishing? D+

5. Proximity To My House - I can easily get there in my car in under 4 hours. But I won't go, and you can't fucking make me! B+

6. Name Brevity - You followed the same path as some of the other schools covered so far in dropping the excessive bullshit and just going with "Green Bay." Nice job but I see that logo and just think you're a shitty minor league hockey team. B+

7. Elevation Above Sea Level - 581 feet. But the water flows from here past Buffalo. How can it be 19 feet lower? Eh who cares. F


Stephen F. Austin 

Where the fuck is this? 
Nacogdoches, Texas. Yeee-fucking-haw. In the Southland Conference. 

1. Nickname - Lumberjacks. Really? You're named after a founding father of Texas and have the state in your god damn logo but you're the lumberjacks? Does Texas even have trees? 

Well apparently they do and the forestry industry is a big thing in the area. Thanks Wikipedia. It doesn't help your grade here though. C+ 

2. Notable Alumni - Don Henley. Man I hate the Eagles, but it's still better than Tony Shalhoub stopping by to take a shit. D- 

3. Indigenous Bears Nearby - Not too far from the prime bearea in Arkansas but no bears to be found around Nacogdoches. 

4. Resume Prestige - If you were applying to work for some crazy Texas secessionist he'd probably love you. Unfortunately I'm not sure how the other 99% of employers would feel. C 

5. Proximity To My House - About 15 hours in my car. C- 

6. Name Brevity - There's no good way to say this name. You start rattling off "Stephen F." and by they time you get to "Austin" I've regretted asking. Just say you went to Austin Peay instead. It's quicker and no one outside of those two schools gives a fuck anyway. D- 

7. Elevation Above Sea Level - 302 feet. You know, University of Wyoming is over 7000 feet. Maybe you assholes could aspire to be more like them.


Fresno State 

Where the fuck is this? 
Fresno, California. Mountain West Conference 

1. Nickname - Bulldogs. God dammit with your fucking bulldogs. Let's see, I gave Yale a C- for theirs so I guess... D+ 

2. Notable Alumni - Former Lieutenant Governor of California Cruz Bustamante. C 

3. Indigenous Bears Nearby - Fresno is in the San Joaquin Valley. There are no bears here. There's also no hope. At least it's not Stockton I suppose.

4. Resume Prestige - I guess you can aim as high as lieutenant governor. C+ 

5. Proximity To My House - 29 hours by car. Fuuuuuuuuck that.

6. Name Brevity - Just saying the word "Fresno" is depressing. I believe it's Spanish for "failed dreams." I suppose it's short enough, even if you die a little inside every time you say it. B- 

7. Elevation Above Sea Level - 308 feet. Maybe move your shit to the mountains where the bears live.