Better strap in, because we have a whole lot of ground to cover.
What Happened: Holy crap, what didn't happen? Let's take a look at this in a pro/con way.
PRO - The Cubs offense continued to roll, putting up 7 runs against Arizona starter Rubby De La Rosa and made what looked like a disaster of a game into more of a laugher than one would have thought after 3 innings.
CON - Schwarber's misadventures in left field had their first negative impact on a game since the Mets playoff series last year. Hey, it only took 3 games! At this point, I don't know what to do with Schwarber and I honestly feel for the kid. He's trying so hard to get better in left and at catcher, but the truth might be that he's just not that good at either one. Big Toe's collision in the outfield left him with a sprained ankle, so it could have been much worse.
PRO - The Cubs spent a boatload of money to bring in both Heyward and Zobrist in the offseason to give this lineup even more OBP threats, and they both showed exactly what they can do last night, combining for 3 hits and a whopping 5 walks. That's how you put up 14 runs a game: You work a ton of counts and chase the starter and feast on the bullpen. The Cubs did both, pouring on an additional 7 insurance runs on the unsuspecting Arizona bullpen. Expect to see that a lot this year.
CON - John Lackey did not look sharp from the outset, giving up 6 ER in his first 3 innings as a Cub.
PRO - The Arizona lineup is deep and pretty good themselves, so this kind of thing happens. Also, Lackey eventually got into a groove and retired 11 of the last 12 batters he faced. Give him a pass. Everyone is nervous on the first day of school.
ANOTHER PRO - The bullpen continues to be lights out, posting 3 more hitless, scoreless innings. If you take away Lackey's first 3 innings tonight, the Cubs have surrendered 1 ER in 24 innings.
Who Should NOT Be Shitting Their Pants This Morning: Cubs fans. Yeah, yesterday wasn't the best game ever, especially in the first few innings. But the Cubs won, and there are gonna be a whole lot of games this year where the Cubs offense is simply going to have to out-slug the other team and we did just that. Schwarber will be ok (from early reports) and the Cubs have tons of depth, with Jorge Soler able to step into left field for the time being.
It's the Cubs and not everything went right last night, so there's a tendency to over-react (more on that in a second), but there's nothing to worry about. The Cubs are still great and one of their strengths is the depth they have, both in the rotation and in the outfield. We're going to be fine. Hell, we still haven't lost a game!
Who SHOULD Be Shitting Their Pants This Morning: Diamondbacks fans. Sure, there's a whole lot of season left, but what looked like a magical run through 2016 has gone about as bad as possible so far in the desert. The Diamondbacks are 1-3, losing their first series to the woeful Rockies. AJ Pollock is out until ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. Their big offseason additions on the pitching side (Grienke, Shelby Miller) both got shelled their first times out. I'm not counting the Diamondbacks out by any means, but this is sure not the start to the season they wanted.
MVP: Anthony Rizzo, who tied his career high with 6 RBI to go along with a triple and a home run.
LVP: Anyone and everyone that took all of 20 innings this season before getting sand blasted directly into their vaginas and claiming that the sky is falling.
My favorite thing about this tweet is that the Cubs would go on to score 12 more runs immediately following that tweet. For those of you who don't know Nick Vlahos, he's a writer for the Peoria Journal Star. He's also a human penis.
Look, Nick...I know you're just trying to get a rise out of people, and by typing anything about you, I realize I'm doing exactly what you want. But when the Cubs win this year, you don't get to enjoy it. You're a living, breathing Yahoo Answers thread and the lowest example of your profession. Just stop being a dick (obviously not talking about the shape of your head, as I know there's nothing you can do about that).
Turns out they still are the Cubs though. The team that is averaging 10 runs a game so far. And it's not the sky that's falling, it's humanity's opinion of you as a human being.
YOU ARE NEXT" (brought to you by TMS Correspondent Chong Li):
The Cubs continue to have games at the worst times for those of us in the CST. Game 2 against the Diamondbacks tonight at 8:40. Kyle Hendricks takes on Robbie Ray. Rizzo has always mashed against lefties, so don't be too surprised if he goes deep again.