Today we look at the decaying husk of the Los Angeles Dodgers.
Or just take a nap like Tommy. They stink anyway.
2015 Finish: 92-70, 1st in the NL West
So Long: Zack Greinke, Jimmy Rollins, Jamey Wright, Adam Liberatore, Bronson Arroyo's Contract
Welcome: Kenta Maeda, Scott Kazmir, Joe Blanton, Aroldis Chapman (lol no, just kidding)
1. Carl Crawford/Scott Van Slyke, LF
2. Howie Kendrick/Chase Utley (seriously)/Kiké Hernandez, 2B
3. Justin Turner until his knee explodes, 3B
4. Adrian Gonzalez, 1B
5. Yasiel Puig, RF
6. Corey Seager, SS
7. Yasmani Grandal/AJ Ellis, C
8. Joc Pederson/Kiké Hernandez, CF
Starting Rotation: Clayton Kershaw, Scott Kazmir, Kenta Maeda, Alex Wood, Ross Stripling
Bullpen: Chris Hatcher, J.P. Howell, Louis Coleman, Pedro Baez, Joe Blanton, Yimi Garcia
Closer: Kenley Jansen
Disabled List: Hyun-Jin Ryu, Brett Anderson, Brandon McCarthy, Mike Bolsinger, Andre Ethier
Screech Metal Lyric That Sums Up My Feelings About This Team:
"Fuck everything, everything!"
- Suicide Silence, Fuck Everything
Welp, this is probably it for me. I can't see myself caring about baseball after this season, and honestly, I'll be faking it this year. The team of my youth is now a sad shell of its former self, run into the ground by the Frank McCourt debacle and now by a misguided small-market philosophy that doesn't suit the team or the city. It's over gang. Time to tap out.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not going to be one of those assholes that goes and roots for Anaheim. I'm just leaving baseball altogether. Let's face it. It's always been boring anyway. Vin Scully has been carrying me through the last few years, but even he's had enough. Calling it a career after 67 years. Quitter.
Nothing went right this offseason. They lost Zack Greinke to a division rival and replaced him with Scott Kazmir. They tried to trade for Aroldis Chapman, but he shot a wall. They had an agreement to sign Hisashi Iwakuma, but then he failed a physical...not that it would have been a particularly good move anyway. Kenta Maeda might be good, but then again he might be Kaz Ishii too. No one knows. They're just buying lottery tickets and hoping for the best at this point.
Reason to Watch: None. I exaggerate of course, but no, none. Sure it's Vin Scully's final season, but that's just depressing to think about. Yeah, that Kershaw guy is good, but the Dodgers are pissing away his best years hoarding prospects and fielding other teams' leftovers. I'm not wasting my time and you shouldn't either. If Kershaw wasn't so damn polite, he'd probably demand a trade.
Reason to Drink: Like I said, it's Vin Scully's final year. You want more? Well, we're going to be here for a few years. The front office is engaged in the most expensive rebuilding job in baseball history. Maybe by 2020 enough prospects will pan out for the Dodgers to contend, but by then I won't care anymore.
The Fans: By and large, we're assholes. Right now there is a split between TRUST THE PROCESS dopes who think the team can do no wrong because Fangraphs likes every move they make and the chuds that call in to Dodger Talk and write for the LA Times bitching about how NERDS are ruining baseball. I remove myself from this equation by hating everyone. Also, we'll fucking cut you in the parking lot.
Their Worst Contract: Andrew Friedman thinks he's smarter than everyone and spends money like an idiot hillbilly that won the lottery. He's attempting to recreate the magic they had in Tampa Bay where they fielded a boring product and never won anything. He's the highest paid executive in baseball and under contract through 2019.
Don't believe me? He actually thought Alex Wood and Fat Latos were going to help this team last year. Spoiler: They didn't. Neither did Jim Johnson. For most of this offseason, Friedman was content to start a platoon of Chase Utley and Kiké Hernandez at 2nd base. Chase Utley...getting regular playing time in 2016. Fortunately the market for Howie Kendrick was nonexistent and they were able to bring him back. The invisible hand saved Friedman from himself. This team is doomed as long as he's in charge.
Fantasy Standout: Corey Seager, but you knew that
Fantasy Bust: Any Dodger outfielder on your list is a terrible choice. Yasiel Puig has gone bad, Joc Pederson has the ugliest swing in baseball history, and left field is a radioactive wasteland with Carl Crawford still smoldering in the impact crater. Also, since they all stink, there are going to be lots of platoons so you'll have no idea about playing time.
The Pop Culture Equivalent To This Team Is: The Playboy Mansion - Sure it has a glamorous reputation and storied history, but it's just old and sad and full of legionnaire's disease now.
Welcome to Dodger Stadium. Remember how cool that Kirk Gibson home run was? Don't forget to take your Cipro.