TMS Team Preview: The 2016 Toronto Blue Jays

April 04, 2016 | Comments (0) | by Governor X

Over the coming weeks, Thunder Matt's Saloon will have previews of all 30 MLB teams. We're starting at the bottom and working our way up based on the current Vegas odds for winning the 2016 World Series.

Today we head north to look at the Toronto Blue Jays.

I need the biggest Canadian flag you have...No, that's too big.

2015 Finish: 93-69, 1st in the AL East

So Long: Darwin Barney, Mark Buehrle, LaTroy Hawkins, Munenori Kawasaki, Dioner Navarro, Cliff Pennington, David Price, Ben Revere, Maicer Izturis

Welcome: Jesse Chavez, J.A. Happ, Casey Kotchman, Fausto Carmona, Junior Lake, Drew Storen, David Aardsma, Gavin Floyd, Dominic Brown, Jesus Montero

Projected Lineup (via
1. Kevin Pillar, CF
2. Josh Donaldson, 3B
3. Jose Bautista, RF
4. Edwin Encarnacion, DH
5. Troy Tulowitzki, SS
6. Chris Colabello, 1B
7. Russell Martin, C
8. Michael Saunders, LF
9. Ryan Goins, 2B

Starting Rotation: Marcus Stroman, R.A. Dickey, Marco Estrada, J.A. Happ, Aaron Sanchez
Bullpen: Drew Storen, Jesse Chavez, Brett Cecil, Aaron Loup, Ryan Tepera, Steve Delabar
Closer: Roberto Osuna

Rush Lyric Because It’s Canada:

Sorry. Rush sucks and we all know it.
 - Rush Sucks, Governor X

President Alan Alda’s poll numbers are down in the dumps. The economy is sputtering along because the Cold War has ended and all the big defense plants are shutting down. In a desperate attempt to revive his political career, the president’s team concocts a hilarious plot to start a new cold war with Canada.

Meanwhile in Niagara Falls, Sheriff John Candy has his hands full when Deputy Rhea Perlman is arrested and held by Canadian authorities. He and his rag tag crew plan a covert mission to sneak behind Canadian lines and rescue their comrade. At one point, Ontario police officer Dan Aykroyd  pulls them over and makes them translate their “Canada sucks” graffiti into French in accordance with Canadian language laws.

Canadian Bacon is truly an underrated gem. 3.5 maple leafs out of 5

Reason To Watch: They might win the World Series, so there’s that.

Reason To Drink: That pitching staff looks like a whole lotta fart noise to me after Stroman. Yes, fart noise has a particular look. If they don’t win the World Series, that’s probably going to be the reason.

The Fans: Several times in the last year, I’ve been asked if I am Canadian. I don’t know why. I'm pale, but not that pale. Well, yes I am actually. Anyway, I’ve decided to lie and say yes, so I’ve even come up with a convincing back story. Part of the lie will be to say I’m a Blue Jays fan, because literally everyone from Canada is. You can’t argue that. It’s Canadian science. Oh Canada, our home and native land…

Their Worst Contract: This is a tough one because I’m not sure what today’s exchange rate is, but I feel like $20 million a year for Troy Tulowitzki seems high, even if it’s in Canadian dollars.

Fantasy Standout: If you league awards points for bat flipping, which it should, Jose Bautista is a keeper. He’s pretty good swinging the bat too.

Fantasy Bust: The fact that R.A. Dickey throws a knuckleball should keep him from turning into complete garbage in spite of his age, but he’ll still be at least partial garbage. Think of him as the recycling bin. It’s not quite trash, but it still goes out to the curb.

The Pop Culture Equivalent Of This Team Is: DeGrassi Jr. High - Canadian show that some people get excited about for some reason but in the grand scheme of things is completely irrelevant. So says Jake the Terrible Cubs fan anyway. I’ve never heard of it, but apparently Drake was on it, so I’m guessing it was lazy and terrible like he is.

By posting this picture, we just lost every white reader over 50.