I don't really have much to say about this, other than: "It's come to this? This is the major signing we were waiting for?"
This offseason blows.
Merry KISSMAS!
December 24, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz
From Chaim Witz and the Saloon, to you and your family, specifically your wives and girlfriends, we wish you a very Merry Christmas (or other non-Christian sponsored holiday).
Pop Culture Gauntlet: Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn vs. Boxer Briefs
December 21, 2009 | Comments (0) | by T.R.
Welcome to Pop Culture Gauntlet, where people, places, and things from various subjects face off in a virtual cage match. As part of an ongoing series we will bring you new battles each week between randomly selected items from the Thunder Matt's PCG database. We will provide you with a brief background of both competitors. After reading, you can then vote on your choice in the poll located in the right sidebar column. Monday battles will run until 12am Thursday. Thursday battles will run until 12am Monday. Also we welcome any arguments for either competitor in our comments section. May the best man, thing, or whatever win.
Today's match: Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn vs. Boxer Briefs
Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn
Solzhenitsyn, who passed away in August of 2008, was a Russian and Soviet historian, and Nobel laureate in Literature. His prominent works, A Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich and The Gulag Archipelago, earned him both global critical acclaim and exile from his home country. Toward the end of WWII, while serving as a commander in the Red Army, he was tried and imprisoned for inflammatory writings questioning Joseph Stalin's conduct of the war. After serving his term in a labor camp, he was permitted back into Soviet society. At this time, he conducted much of his research and writings in secrecy due to the ever-watchful eye of the KGB. In 1962, Nikita Khrushchev, First Secretary of the Communist Party at the time, permitted the publishing of A Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich. This sudden rise to cultural prominence only intensified the scrutiny that Solzhenitsyn suffered at the hands of the KGB. In 1974, Solzhenitsyn was stripped of his Soviet citizenship and permanently exiled from the country. After floating around Western Europe, he ventured to the United States, settling in Vermont. Here he continued his writings against Communism, favoring a return to Russian imperialism and orthodoxy. It should also be noted that while Solzhenitsyn appreciated the political liberties which democracy allowed, he remained disconcerted by the evils of popular culture and the weakening of American strenght. In other words, Solzhenitsyn would not approve of the Saloon. After the collapse of the Soviet Union, Solzhenitsyn returned to the motherland, where he preached moderate nationalism and the emboldening of Russia, and decried its turn toward materialism and the crumbling of its religious foundations.
Strengths: showed great intestinal fortitude by sticking it to the KGB; survived a near-fatal bout with cancer; exposed the Gulags and the faults of Communism
Weaknesses: willingly chose to live in Vermont of all places; once described the United States as a "province of Israel"; wanted the United States to prolong the war in Vietnam
Fun Fact: His son Ignat is an acclaimed concert pianist and conductor, working primarily with the Chamer Orchestra of Philadelphia.
*information largely cribbed from Wikipedia
Boxer Briefs
For centuries, cultured men were suffered the indignity of having only two alternatives to "going commando": boxers or briefs. When a young man first graduates from diapers, he is too young to yet understand the difference between the two, and is generally at the will of his mother regarding the undergarments he will use throughout his youth. In 98% of all cases, the mother will default to white briefs, or as we refer to them, "tighty whities". In the other 2% of cases, the mother is likely deceased or too hopped up on goofers to pay any mind to the child. It is usually not until high school when a young man realizes that he has the choice to transition to boxers. But lo and behold, the 1990's gave advent to a new choice in the male intimates section at your local Target: the boxer briefs. Melding the best of both worlds, the boxer brief has both the length of boxers (which are more comfortable and desirable when undressing in front of a female) and the compact feel of the "tighty whities" (which helps to absorb those last two drops of urine so that they do not run down the leg). They afford a more confident demeanor when standing semi-nude in front of a mirror and flexing. Boxer briefs scream "I am not convinced that the testicles need to be so aerated as to necessitate boxers, yet I also do not enjoy playing World of Warcraft!" The boxer brief is simultaneously a neutral Switzerland, and the dawn of the United States of America. There have been precious few articles of clothing in the history of man that have liberated so many.
Strengths: more appealing to the ladies; "last two drops" corollary; dark colors assist in hiding unmentionable stains
Weaknesses: often more expensive than standard boxers or briefs; slight risk of decreased sperm count
Fun Fact: They suppress boners slightly better than boxers, which always helps when you're riding the city bus.
Today's match: Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn vs. Boxer Briefs
Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn
Solzhenitsyn, who passed away in August of 2008, was a Russian and Soviet historian, and Nobel laureate in Literature. His prominent works, A Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich and The Gulag Archipelago, earned him both global critical acclaim and exile from his home country. Toward the end of WWII, while serving as a commander in the Red Army, he was tried and imprisoned for inflammatory writings questioning Joseph Stalin's conduct of the war. After serving his term in a labor camp, he was permitted back into Soviet society. At this time, he conducted much of his research and writings in secrecy due to the ever-watchful eye of the KGB. In 1962, Nikita Khrushchev, First Secretary of the Communist Party at the time, permitted the publishing of A Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich. This sudden rise to cultural prominence only intensified the scrutiny that Solzhenitsyn suffered at the hands of the KGB. In 1974, Solzhenitsyn was stripped of his Soviet citizenship and permanently exiled from the country. After floating around Western Europe, he ventured to the United States, settling in Vermont. Here he continued his writings against Communism, favoring a return to Russian imperialism and orthodoxy. It should also be noted that while Solzhenitsyn appreciated the political liberties which democracy allowed, he remained disconcerted by the evils of popular culture and the weakening of American strenght. In other words, Solzhenitsyn would not approve of the Saloon. After the collapse of the Soviet Union, Solzhenitsyn returned to the motherland, where he preached moderate nationalism and the emboldening of Russia, and decried its turn toward materialism and the crumbling of its religious foundations.
Strengths: showed great intestinal fortitude by sticking it to the KGB; survived a near-fatal bout with cancer; exposed the Gulags and the faults of Communism
Weaknesses: willingly chose to live in Vermont of all places; once described the United States as a "province of Israel"; wanted the United States to prolong the war in Vietnam
Fun Fact: His son Ignat is an acclaimed concert pianist and conductor, working primarily with the Chamer Orchestra of Philadelphia.
*information largely cribbed from Wikipedia
Boxer Briefs
For centuries, cultured men were suffered the indignity of having only two alternatives to "going commando": boxers or briefs. When a young man first graduates from diapers, he is too young to yet understand the difference between the two, and is generally at the will of his mother regarding the undergarments he will use throughout his youth. In 98% of all cases, the mother will default to white briefs, or as we refer to them, "tighty whities". In the other 2% of cases, the mother is likely deceased or too hopped up on goofers to pay any mind to the child. It is usually not until high school when a young man realizes that he has the choice to transition to boxers. But lo and behold, the 1990's gave advent to a new choice in the male intimates section at your local Target: the boxer briefs. Melding the best of both worlds, the boxer brief has both the length of boxers (which are more comfortable and desirable when undressing in front of a female) and the compact feel of the "tighty whities" (which helps to absorb those last two drops of urine so that they do not run down the leg). They afford a more confident demeanor when standing semi-nude in front of a mirror and flexing. Boxer briefs scream "I am not convinced that the testicles need to be so aerated as to necessitate boxers, yet I also do not enjoy playing World of Warcraft!" The boxer brief is simultaneously a neutral Switzerland, and the dawn of the United States of America. There have been precious few articles of clothing in the history of man that have liberated so many.
Strengths: more appealing to the ladies; "last two drops" corollary; dark colors assist in hiding unmentionable stains
Weaknesses: often more expensive than standard boxers or briefs; slight risk of decreased sperm count
Fun Fact: They suppress boners slightly better than boxers, which always helps when you're riding the city bus.
Milton Bradley Watch
December 18, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Arcturus
Threat Level: Still an ambulating asshole, still on the Cu-wait, what? There are actually rumors of a Bradley trade going down? No fucking way!Who'd we get? C'mon, big money, no Whammies, no Whammies, no Whammies . . .
SHIT!!! Carlos Silva, seriously? I know Bradley is a cantering cocknugget, but come on! I'd rather keep Bradley and hope Lou can keep from killing him for a season just so Ryne Sandberg gets a chance to manage the selfish prick.
In case anybody cares, Silva pitched in all of 8 games last year, finishing 1 and 3 with an 8.60 ERA before mercifully injuring himself. 2008 wasn't any better as Silva pitched in 28 games, amassing a 4 and 15 record with an ERA of 6.46. He's also fucking big. And not the good kind of big, if you know what I mean. Let's put it this way: if Silva ever went to Japan, the fucking Sea Shepherd would be following him around for his own protection.
Jesus.
Wept.
Pop Culture Gauntlet Results
December 17, 2009 | Comments (0) | by T.R.
In an effort to minimize the hassle involved with posting the Gauntlet results, we have decided to lump them together after every three or four contests. Without further ado:Kanye West (5 votes) vs. The Enron Scandal (16 votes)
Vegas was stunned with these results. The prognosticators were calling for a beating at the hands of Mr. West. But NO! Mighty Enron turned the tables on Kanye by the widest margin to date. The flash in the pan hip-hopper assured himself of the last laugh though, when he stormed the stage and ...oh...nevermind. Kanye was no match for the staying power of corporate scandal.
HBO (9 votes) vs. Piet Mondrian (4 votes)
Well duh, of course HBO won. I mean, quality television, boobs, and swearing, versus a guy named Piet? Say my name is Brant, and I'm at a cocktail party. You ask me what I do for a living, and I tell you that I paint in straight lines and only use three colors. You would tell me "that's interesting" and look for someone more important to talk to. But if your name is Piet, then painting like a third grader not only gains you international notoriety, but you're able to perpetuate a freaking artistic movement. Whatever, Taxicab Confessions is way cooler than the cover of the last Silverchair album.
Dunkin' Donuts (8 votes) vs. The Assassination of Franz Ferdinand (11 votes)
Obviously the Saloon does not have a huge Boston following. Seriously though, the coffee is good, I'll give them that. But we're talking about The Great War! Conspiracy! Assassination! Sexual frivolity (unconfirmed)! Secret societies! Tuberculosis! It's the stuff of a Steven Soderbergh film! Except very, very real.
Remember people, keep voting!
Pop Culture Gauntlet: Boba Fett vs. Fried Chicken
December 17, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Wolter
Welcome to Pop Culture Gauntlet, where people, places, and things from various subjects face off in a virtual cage match. As part of an ongoing series we will bring you new battles each week between randomly selected items from the Thunder Matt's PCG database. We will provide you with a brief background of both competitors. After reading, you can then vote on your choice in the poll located in the right sidebar column. Monday battles will run until 12am Thursday. Thursday battles will run until 12am Monday. Also we welcome any arguments for either competitor in our comments section. May the best man, thing, or whatever win.
Today's match: Boba Fett vs. Fried Chicken
Boba Fett
The nerd's ultimate idea of cool, Boba Fett is the cleverest, slickest, most dangerous bounty hunter in the Star Wars series. Of course, he does this more or less by the time honored tradition of "not being as dumb as Greedo," an alien so dumb that even after Lucas felt bad enough to go back and spot him a free first shot, managed to miss from 2 feet away. Still, Boba Fett was the only person in the entire Galactic Empire not to notice the huge spaceship that disappeared from view might be floating amongst the ONLY cover within ten light years, so we can definitely give him that. Boba Fett also flew the legitimately badassed Slave-1. Sure it was a weird looking combination of spaceship and hair-dryer, but when you fly in something named Slave-1, no one fucks with you. Except maybe Harriet Tubman.
Like all things awesome about the original Star Wars series, Lucas managed to make Boba Fett lamer than Joe Theismann, circa 1986 during the "new trilogy." Apparently he's a clone of his own "father" Django Reinhardt, along with EVERY SINGLE STORMTROOPER...which means the entire Imperial Army is pretty much a bunch of renowned jazz guitarists. Or something like that, I stopped paying attention halfway through that crapfest.
Strengths: In The Empire Strikes Back, he is easily the most competent employee on the Imperial Payroll. He has a kickass jetpack, a grappling hook, and the stones to stand up to Darth Vader.
Weaknesses: Being accidentally hit on the back by a blind Han Solo will cause his kickass jetpack to malfunction and enable him to be digested over a thousand year period by the Saarlacc. Nice heel, Achilles. His death merited a slide whistle.
Fun Fact: Did you know, per Wikipedia, that the plural of "Saarlacc" is "Saarlacci?" And the plural of "nerd" is "more than one person who knows that."
Fried Chicken
Though one of our bartenders is secretly a vegetarian (guess which one!), the rest of us know that chickens are essentially Food Alive. And everyone knows the best way to serve any food is to bread it and deep fry it. Even things that are counterintuitive, like pickles, okra, or ice cream.
Invented by Jesus shortly after he turned water into beer, fried chicken lay dormant until rediscovered by the American South, especially poor African-Americans, as chickens were the only farm animal slaves were allowed to keep. This led to some rather disgusting racist connections with fried chicken, but let me assure you, as a caucasian southerner, I have eaten more than enough of the stuff to bely any aspersions of that nature.
Strengths: Aside from tasting like awesome lives in your mouth, fried chicken keeps for longer than most dishes, which is another reason it became popular in the pre-refrigeration south. It may well be the perfect picnic food, since you are required by law to eat it with your hands in most states.
Weaknesses: Other than the whole "racism" angle, it looks like fried chicken might not actually be healthy. More on this as it develops.
Fun Fact: Colonel Sanders was named a Kentucky Colonel in 1935, nearly 20 years before KFC was franchised.
Today's match: Boba Fett vs. Fried Chicken
Boba Fett
The nerd's ultimate idea of cool, Boba Fett is the cleverest, slickest, most dangerous bounty hunter in the Star Wars series. Of course, he does this more or less by the time honored tradition of "not being as dumb as Greedo," an alien so dumb that even after Lucas felt bad enough to go back and spot him a free first shot, managed to miss from 2 feet away. Still, Boba Fett was the only person in the entire Galactic Empire not to notice the huge spaceship that disappeared from view might be floating amongst the ONLY cover within ten light years, so we can definitely give him that. Boba Fett also flew the legitimately badassed Slave-1. Sure it was a weird looking combination of spaceship and hair-dryer, but when you fly in something named Slave-1, no one fucks with you. Except maybe Harriet Tubman.
Like all things awesome about the original Star Wars series, Lucas managed to make Boba Fett lamer than Joe Theismann, circa 1986 during the "new trilogy." Apparently he's a clone of his own "father" Django Reinhardt, along with EVERY SINGLE STORMTROOPER...which means the entire Imperial Army is pretty much a bunch of renowned jazz guitarists. Or something like that, I stopped paying attention halfway through that crapfest.
Strengths: In The Empire Strikes Back, he is easily the most competent employee on the Imperial Payroll. He has a kickass jetpack, a grappling hook, and the stones to stand up to Darth Vader.
Weaknesses: Being accidentally hit on the back by a blind Han Solo will cause his kickass jetpack to malfunction and enable him to be digested over a thousand year period by the Saarlacc. Nice heel, Achilles. His death merited a slide whistle.
Fun Fact: Did you know, per Wikipedia, that the plural of "Saarlacc" is "Saarlacci?" And the plural of "nerd" is "more than one person who knows that."
Fried Chicken
Though one of our bartenders is secretly a vegetarian (guess which one!), the rest of us know that chickens are essentially Food Alive. And everyone knows the best way to serve any food is to bread it and deep fry it. Even things that are counterintuitive, like pickles, okra, or ice cream.Invented by Jesus shortly after he turned water into beer, fried chicken lay dormant until rediscovered by the American South, especially poor African-Americans, as chickens were the only farm animal slaves were allowed to keep. This led to some rather disgusting racist connections with fried chicken, but let me assure you, as a caucasian southerner, I have eaten more than enough of the stuff to bely any aspersions of that nature.
Strengths: Aside from tasting like awesome lives in your mouth, fried chicken keeps for longer than most dishes, which is another reason it became popular in the pre-refrigeration south. It may well be the perfect picnic food, since you are required by law to eat it with your hands in most states.
Weaknesses: Other than the whole "racism" angle, it looks like fried chicken might not actually be healthy. More on this as it develops.
Fun Fact: Colonel Sanders was named a Kentucky Colonel in 1935, nearly 20 years before KFC was franchised.
Thunder Matt Snubbed By ESPN Chicago: This Aggression Will Not Stand, Man
December 16, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Ginger Russ
In case you missed it, ESPN Chicago put out its list of the 10 greatest Cubs of the past decade. While the list is highly debatable (Theriot at #8? Dempster ahead of Sosa?), one name was surprisingly absent from the list. Yep, it looks like the ginger prejudice is still alive and well in 'Merika (Dempster doesn't count, he's Canadian), as TMS's own namesake, Matt Murton failed to make the list.While you can look at stats all you want, some things are intangible. Murton brought sex appeal, an underdog attitude, and of course a lovability to the Cubs that is rarely seen. Would Murton piss on his hands and then shake yours? I think not. Would Matt cork his bat just because he was having a slump? Hardly. Did the Redheaded Wonder ever lead the league in "simulated games"? Never. Can he grow a beard faster than it takes Daft's mom to take her clothes off in exchange for a 40 of Old E? You betcha. What's that, these things don't make a player "the greatest of the decade"? Well, GFY then. Fine, let's look at the stats. A lifetime .299 hitter for the Cubs doesn't mean anything I guess.
Sure, since leaving the Cubs, Murton's luck has changed and is now off in Japan. But don't forget the great times he had here in Chicago. One needs to only look as far as the 28 plaques in the Thunder Matt Trophy Room to be reminded of that. Just as the Ted Lilly Fan Club is miffed about the absence of TRL to ESPN Chicago's list, we implore you Cubs fans - email, text, call, fax, send a letter, anything to get to those bastards and demand that Matt Murton be added to the list. Do it for Ginger Awareness not only in Chicago, but everywhere.
Chaiming In: Holiday Edition
December 16, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz
My God, I leave this place for a few months and it all goes to pot. Is this thing on? Does this website work? Are we on the Internet? Is this live? Does my mother still check this site? What about Daft's Mom? (I'm pulling out (of) all of the oldies but goodies!). Let's get down to the bullet points for the last man standing, ergo, reading.- I'm being told in my earpiece that there is going to be some new site launching in a few months that is kind of like that cartoon Voltron, whatever that means. Did I let the cat out of the bag? I don't know. But if you were burned when you invested in shares of Pomp Culture, you might want to sit this one out. The details are sketchy, but I can only imagine it involves pornography, t-shirts with wolves, Twittering, the sale of banned prescription drugs, and in some form or another, The Cubs. From all indications, it will involve several new writers and some old ones. The Hundley has been asked to return. Jordi Scrubbings has not.
- Avatar, for the most part, lives up to the $300 million dollar hype. See it in 3D though, for the love of the Blue Man Group. The visuals are amazing and the last 45 minutes are really unlike anything you've ever witnessed. It's far from the perfect movie: the story is rife with cliches, Sam Worthington's acting is as stiff as Tommy Buzanis on a Cialis bender and things begin to drag about 90 minutes in before picking up again. That said, the action scenes and visuals (the previews don't do them justice) more than compensate for the films flaws, none of which prove fatal. The line, 'you need to see this on the big screen' is probably overused in this day and age of HDTVs and surround sound, but make no doubt about it: you need to see this on the big screen...and in 3D if at all possible. I had a myriad of doubts going in, but walked out of the film a believer. A very solid B+.
- On the other end of the spectrum is Up in the Air, starring the dashing and well-spoken George Clooney. I don't really feel like giving a detailed review (I'm not your goddamn father), only to say that it is very good, even if it is the antithesis of Avatar. I'm not sure we should crown it Best Picture already like some circles already have, but I can't imagine anyone leaving this one disappointed. Solid entertainment the discerning adult and contemporary male. Let's give this one a B+ as well.
- "New Fang" by Them Crooked Vultures could very well be the Single of the Year (right up there with Pearl Jam's "The End"). The rest of the album? The jury is still out, but my dick is still in my pants.
- A War Hero on cheese and crackers is forthcoming. Don't agree with me on that one? Then, by all means, log off the Internet and log onto me murdering you while you sleep.
- It took me a while to warm up to it, but that show Modern Family on ABC is really good. A poor man's Arrested Development, it's finally given me something to watch on day other than Thursday. For the sake of continuity, lets give that one a B+ as well.
- Lots of noise being made about Milton Bradley. I'm trying to keep a safe distance away from the hoopla because A) I need a mental break from the Cubs after last season and B) I don't like Milton Bradley and would just prefer that I wake up on April 1st to find him not in the lineup, upon which I will just logically assume that the Cubs managed to trade him for a warm body whose testicles have dropped and has an inclination to hustle and smile (preferably at the same time).
- Raves: the song 'Relator' (shockingly enough, sung by Pete Yorn and Scarlett Johansson), Rosemary and Olive Oil Triscuits, NFL playoff races, mole sauce, Amazon Prime, Flip Video Ultra HD, HP Pavilion dv6T laptop, Sabra hummus, Simply Limeade, cars with butt warmers.
- Rants: Semi-trucks, freezing temperatures, grinches, impatient drivers, getting sweets as a Christmas present, genocide.
Cubs Express Interest in Signing Roberto Clemente
December 15, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan
In a disappointing offseason of unsubstantiated or unfulfilled rumors, new reports are coming out about the latest player the Cubs are supposedly eyeing. Hall of famer Roberto Clemente.When asked about the validity of this, Cubs general manager Jim Hendry said, "Absolutely. Clemente would fill our hole in center field. He's an amazing hitter, an outstanding fielder, and is a role model to every Hispanic player we have. The impact he'd have on our team would be tremendous!"
Hendry was then asked if he realized Clemente has been deceased for nearly 37 years. "Huh? Of course I know he's dead. Did you honestly think I thought we could sign him for 2010? I was just saying that it'd be nice to have him as our center fielder, just like it'd be nice to have Mike Cameron, or J.J. Putz, or Matt Capps, or Jason Bay, or Chone Figgins, or Curtis Granderson, or John Lackey, but that's not happening either!"
Milton Bradley Watch
December 15, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Arcturus
Threat Level: STILL a fucking Cub. Still a perambulating prick.The past few days have seen a flurry of moves, all made by other teams. The Blue Jays, Phillies, and Mariners may complete a blockbuster deal that would send ace Roy Halladay to Philadelphia and Cliff Lee to the Mariners. The Mariners suddenly look like contenders and remain in the mix for Jason Bay. The Red Sox meanwhile have signed Cub target Mike Cameron for 2 years and seem on the verge of acquiring John Lackey. Speculation is that Lackey's presence will allow them to deal Clay Bucholz and Jacoby Ellsbury for Adrian Gonzalez. Like the Red Sox really need to get any better. And the Cardinals have supposedly offered Matt Holiday 16M per over 8 years.
What have the Cubs done this year? Purged the team of every player signed last offseason, save the brooding Bradley. Resigned John Grabow, whose arm will probably now fall off. And they've expressed interest in signing Pirates closer Matt Capps, who was non-tendered by the Bucs. I fully expect Hendry to overpay to secure three years of Capps and call the offseason a success. I know there's a lot of post-season left, but so far it's had a very 2004 feel to it. Remember Freddie Bynum? Yeah, me neither.
It's looking more and more like Bradley will still be our problem come next season. Can Jim and Lou put the pieces back together and get the sulky Milton to play up to his potential? Can the rest of the team live with a guy who has no interest in being a team player and still compete? Will Lou snap and beat Milton to death with a baseball bat? Would any of the Cubs stop him if he did? And if he did, are the Cubs still on the hook for Milton's salary? All questions worth pondering as we death march to Opening Day 2010.
My Case for Signing Matt Capps
December 14, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan
Granted Capps had a down year last season, but assuming he can regain pre-2009 form, it'd be nice to have a reliever that can strike guys out much more often than walking them.
Pop Culture Gauntlet: Dunkin' Donuts vs. The Assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand
December 14, 2009 | Comments (0) | by T.R.
Welcome to Pop Culture Gauntlet, where people, places, and things from various subjects face off in a virtual cage match. As part of an ongoing series we will bring you new battles each week between randomly selected items from the Thunder Matt's PCG database. We will provide you with a brief background of both competitors. After reading, you can then vote on your choice in the poll located in the right sidebar column. Monday battles will run until 12am Thursday. Thursday battles will run until 12am Monday. Also we welcome any arguments for either competitor in our comments section. May the best man, thing, or whatever win.
Today's match: Dunkin' Donuts vs. The Assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Dunkin' Donuts
Dunkin' Donuts is one of the largest coffee chains in North America. Founded in 1950, and based in Canton, Massachusetts, the company has expanded it's presence to over 30 countries. Originally serving coffee and simple pastries, Dunkin' Donuts has diversified it's product base to include specialty coffees and breakfast sandwiches. This evolution was prompted by competition from Starbucks and McDonald's, amongst others, in the burgeoning "morning fix" market. Their national operations are largely based East of the Mississippi River. There are currently no Dunkin' Donuts stores in the state of California, and oddly enough, plans to expand to the latte-slurping West Coast do not appear imminent. This may be in deference to the strong foothold Starbucks holds on that region, though the Dunkin' Donuts marketing team has never shied away from their prime challenger. In a series of ad campaigns over the last several years, Dunkin' Donuts has been known to poke Starbucks in the eye, often slighting the pretentious Italian terms that the Seattle-based company insists on populating their menu with. Most of you will also remember the Fred the Baker commercial campaign in the 1980's and '90's. His catchphrase "Time to make the donuts" made him a pop culture landmark. Sadly, the actor that played Fred passed away four years ago due to complications from diabetes (or Sugar AIDS as it's known in the Chip Wesley home).
Strengths: John Goodman provides the voiceover in their ad campaigns; heavy concentration of stores in Chicago which aid in ThunderFist hangovers; coffee actually tastes good
Weaknesses: Strong affiliation with Patriots and Red Sox; queer logo; need to move out West
Fun Fact: On one television spot, Rachel Ray promoted Dunkin' Donuts while wearing a peculiar scarf. Conservative pundits called for the company to pull the ad, claiming the scarf was similar to that worn by Yasser Arafat, and was thus supportive of terrorism.
The Assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand
The assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand is widely held as the precipitating factor that spurned the beginning of World War I (or The Great War as grandpa called it). Younger generations, however, know him only as "the guy that that shitty Scottish band named themselves after." The groups and actors which played a part in the archduke's assassination are shrouded in the the same lore one might expect from a Dan Brown novel. In fact, the events of that day were a comedy of errors, befitting of an Ocean's 14 screenplay. In a nutshell: Franz Ferdinand was an archduke of the Austria-Hungary. Basically, Serbs were trying to get the southern Slavic provinces to to break away from the Austro-Hungarian Empire in order to re-form Serbia or Yugoslavia. A secret society known as Black Hand had decided that a logical course of action would be to kill a high ranking member of the Empire and escalate tensions. Six young men were recruited to take out Ferdinand. As the archduke passed through Sarajevo in a motorcade, the six men were stationed along the route. Most had a grenade and/or pistol. As the motorcade passed, the first two assassins failed to act. The third threw a grenade, which blew one car but did not kill anyone. Following instructions, the assassin swallowed a cyanide pill and jumped into the Miljacka River. Unfortunately for him, the cyanide pill only induced vomiting, and the river was only four inches deep. Talk about an epic FAIL. The remaining assassins walked away in the ensuing hoopla. Shortly afterward, the motorcade continued on. One of the assassins, Gavrilo Princip, was eating a sandwich at a deli when the cars rolled by. As anyone involved in a secret society knows, you keep going until the job is done. Princip seized the new opportunity, and shot the archduke in the neck. The rest, as they say, is history.
Strengths: indirectly led to the creation of the armored vehicle industry; subsequent research into more effective cyanide pills, which Hitler would eventually take; finally got rid of that insipid Austria-Hungary
Weaknesses: gave Serbs a bad name; inadvertently led to thousands of high school students having to read All Quiet on the Western Front; um, started World War I
Fun Fact: Princip died of tuberculosis in prison before he could serve his full sentence, which was only 20 years anyway.
Today's match: Dunkin' Donuts vs. The Assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Dunkin' Donuts
Dunkin' Donuts is one of the largest coffee chains in North America. Founded in 1950, and based in Canton, Massachusetts, the company has expanded it's presence to over 30 countries. Originally serving coffee and simple pastries, Dunkin' Donuts has diversified it's product base to include specialty coffees and breakfast sandwiches. This evolution was prompted by competition from Starbucks and McDonald's, amongst others, in the burgeoning "morning fix" market. Their national operations are largely based East of the Mississippi River. There are currently no Dunkin' Donuts stores in the state of California, and oddly enough, plans to expand to the latte-slurping West Coast do not appear imminent. This may be in deference to the strong foothold Starbucks holds on that region, though the Dunkin' Donuts marketing team has never shied away from their prime challenger. In a series of ad campaigns over the last several years, Dunkin' Donuts has been known to poke Starbucks in the eye, often slighting the pretentious Italian terms that the Seattle-based company insists on populating their menu with. Most of you will also remember the Fred the Baker commercial campaign in the 1980's and '90's. His catchphrase "Time to make the donuts" made him a pop culture landmark. Sadly, the actor that played Fred passed away four years ago due to complications from diabetes (or Sugar AIDS as it's known in the Chip Wesley home).
Strengths: John Goodman provides the voiceover in their ad campaigns; heavy concentration of stores in Chicago which aid in ThunderFist hangovers; coffee actually tastes good
Weaknesses: Strong affiliation with Patriots and Red Sox; queer logo; need to move out West
Fun Fact: On one television spot, Rachel Ray promoted Dunkin' Donuts while wearing a peculiar scarf. Conservative pundits called for the company to pull the ad, claiming the scarf was similar to that worn by Yasser Arafat, and was thus supportive of terrorism.
The Assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand
The assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand is widely held as the precipitating factor that spurned the beginning of World War I (or The Great War as grandpa called it). Younger generations, however, know him only as "the guy that that shitty Scottish band named themselves after." The groups and actors which played a part in the archduke's assassination are shrouded in the the same lore one might expect from a Dan Brown novel. In fact, the events of that day were a comedy of errors, befitting of an Ocean's 14 screenplay. In a nutshell: Franz Ferdinand was an archduke of the Austria-Hungary. Basically, Serbs were trying to get the southern Slavic provinces to to break away from the Austro-Hungarian Empire in order to re-form Serbia or Yugoslavia. A secret society known as Black Hand had decided that a logical course of action would be to kill a high ranking member of the Empire and escalate tensions. Six young men were recruited to take out Ferdinand. As the archduke passed through Sarajevo in a motorcade, the six men were stationed along the route. Most had a grenade and/or pistol. As the motorcade passed, the first two assassins failed to act. The third threw a grenade, which blew one car but did not kill anyone. Following instructions, the assassin swallowed a cyanide pill and jumped into the Miljacka River. Unfortunately for him, the cyanide pill only induced vomiting, and the river was only four inches deep. Talk about an epic FAIL. The remaining assassins walked away in the ensuing hoopla. Shortly afterward, the motorcade continued on. One of the assassins, Gavrilo Princip, was eating a sandwich at a deli when the cars rolled by. As anyone involved in a secret society knows, you keep going until the job is done. Princip seized the new opportunity, and shot the archduke in the neck. The rest, as they say, is history.
Strengths: indirectly led to the creation of the armored vehicle industry; subsequent research into more effective cyanide pills, which Hitler would eventually take; finally got rid of that insipid Austria-Hungary
Weaknesses: gave Serbs a bad name; inadvertently led to thousands of high school students having to read All Quiet on the Western Front; um, started World War I
Fun Fact: Princip died of tuberculosis in prison before he could serve his full sentence, which was only 20 years anyway.
Milton Bradley Watch
December 10, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Arcturus
Threat Level: Still on the Cubs. Still a giant walking cock. Looking more untradeable than ever.Well, the "mystery team" rumor turned out to be a complete load of shit. Big surprise there. According to Carrie Muskat, the Cubs are now "scrambling" to deal Bradley. Fantastic. When I think of the word "scrambling" a little movie of the Keystone Kops appears in my head, coupled with the music from Bennie Hill, two things I don't want associated with my major league baseball team.
The way things are looking right now, unloading Aarons Miles and Heilman might be the highlight of the offseason. If that ends up being the case, I'll . . .I'll . . . fuck. We all know that I'm not going to stop watching this team. And neither are any of you, since you bothered to come here.
Pop Culture Gauntlet: HBO vs Piet Mondrian
December 10, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Ginger Russ
Welcome to Pop Culture Gauntlet, where people, places, and things from various subjects face off in a virtual cage match. As part of an ongoing series we will bring you new battles each week between randomly selected items from the Thunder Matt's PCG database. We will provide you with a brief background of both competitors. After reading, you can then vote on your choice in the poll located in the right sidebar column. Monday battles will run until 12am Thursday. Thursday battles will run until 12am Monday. Also we welcome any arguments for either competitor in our comments section. May the best man, thing, or whatever win.
Today's match: HBO vs. Piet Mondrian
HBO
Also known as the "Hebrew Box Office", HBO was the first premium channel to hit the new-fangled experiment called "cable" back in 1965 in Manhattan, NY, USA. The project was bought out by Time Life in 1973, and was soon into full swing of distributing it's Jew-run media all over the country. By 1989, Time had merged with Warner Communications, becoming Time Warner which is now HBO's parent company and largest distributor of lies and misinformation to the masses. Although it's beginnings were optimistic, people soon got tired of watching the same reruns of movies. But what HBO did have was strong sports programming. It became the first TV network to deliver it's signal via satellite when it broadcast the "Thrilla in Manila" in 1975. HBO has also featured coverage of Wimbledon, WWF, NHL, NBA, ABA, PBA, LOL, GFY, and the channel's longest running program, Inside the NFL ran from 1977 to 2008 before it was picked up by Showtime. Trying to compete with the major 3 networks may seen like a daunting task for a subscription-based channel, but HBO has done a decent job, putting out a variety of original programs, which we all love because they often feature suggestive themes and high amounts of swearing, violence and nudity which make them unsuitable for regular cable (although we all know Skinemax late night is still far superior in the 10 - 19 year old male market). Some of it's original shows which have gone on to experience a great amount of success include The Sopranos, Deadwood, Sex and the City, and Six Feet Under as well as Ginger favorites such as Flight of the Conchords, Eastbound & Down, Cathouse: The Series, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Mr Show, and of course Fraggle Rock. Today HBO consists of seven multiplex channels including HBO 2, Comedy, Family, Latino, Signature, and Zone as well as an On Demand service.
Strengths: Swearing, violence and nudity for starters. Original programming and the ability to watch free movies (as free as paying for a premium cable channel gets). No commercials.
Weaknesses: It's not really "More Than You Imagined™", it's the same 'ole HBO. Movies and programming gets repetitive.
Fun Fact: The first program and film broadcast on HBO, Sometimes a Great Notion, starred Paul Newman and Henry Fonda.
Piet Mondrian
Mondrian (as he was known by everyone except his mother, who affectionately called him "Little Peter") was a Dutch painter born on March 7, 1872 and was the most famous painter of the De Stijl art movement, which of course was named after an early White Stripes album. His paintings consisted of a white background, onto which black horizontal and verticals lines were painted and then filled with the three primary colors. At a time when art was going through major changes, Mondrian's Neo-Plasticism laughed in the face of critics and the general public as well, being one of the first artists to evoke the "If I can paint it, it's not art" attitude of ignorant "critics" around the world. Mondrian's art introduction came at a very early age as his father was a qualified drawing teacher. He would go onto to become a teacher at the Academy for Fine Art in Amsterdam, where he primarily worked in the Dutch Impressionist Manner of the Hague School. In 1912, Mondrian moved to Paris, where he was highly influenced by the Cubist movement and artists such as Picasso and Braque. In 1914 he returned to the Netherlands where along with artists Van der Leck and Van Doesburg he founded the De Stijl, in which the artist's theories signaled a complete break from representational painting.
From 1919 to 1938 Mondrian worked in Paris and then from 1938-1944 he moved between London and New York, continuing his style of thick black lines on a white background with boxes of the primary colors scattered throughout. His most famous painting, Composition with Red, Blue and Yellow (above), perfectly exhibits the principals of Neo-Plasticism which Mondrian strove for throughout his entire career. In 1944, Mondrian died of pneumonia in New York. Mondrian's influence on the world can still be seen today, traditionally in the furniture and architecture of the world's greatest designer: Ikea.
Strengths: Unlike other Minimalists like Barnett Newman and Mark Rothko, Mondrian was not bat-shit crazy.
Weaknesses: His artwork is most recognizable by non-cultured people as the early reason why Modern art is such a disaster.
Fun Fact: In May, 2008 Nike released the SB Dunk, styled after the work of Piet Mondrian.
Today's match: HBO vs. Piet Mondrian
HBO
Also known as the "Hebrew Box Office", HBO was the first premium channel to hit the new-fangled experiment called "cable" back in 1965 in Manhattan, NY, USA. The project was bought out by Time Life in 1973, and was soon into full swing of distributing it's Jew-run media all over the country. By 1989, Time had merged with Warner Communications, becoming Time Warner which is now HBO's parent company and largest distributor of lies and misinformation to the masses. Although it's beginnings were optimistic, people soon got tired of watching the same reruns of movies. But what HBO did have was strong sports programming. It became the first TV network to deliver it's signal via satellite when it broadcast the "Thrilla in Manila" in 1975. HBO has also featured coverage of Wimbledon, WWF, NHL, NBA, ABA, PBA, LOL, GFY, and the channel's longest running program, Inside the NFL ran from 1977 to 2008 before it was picked up by Showtime. Trying to compete with the major 3 networks may seen like a daunting task for a subscription-based channel, but HBO has done a decent job, putting out a variety of original programs, which we all love because they often feature suggestive themes and high amounts of swearing, violence and nudity which make them unsuitable for regular cable (although we all know Skinemax late night is still far superior in the 10 - 19 year old male market). Some of it's original shows which have gone on to experience a great amount of success include The Sopranos, Deadwood, Sex and the City, and Six Feet Under as well as Ginger favorites such as Flight of the Conchords, Eastbound & Down, Cathouse: The Series, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Mr Show, and of course Fraggle Rock. Today HBO consists of seven multiplex channels including HBO 2, Comedy, Family, Latino, Signature, and Zone as well as an On Demand service.Strengths: Swearing, violence and nudity for starters. Original programming and the ability to watch free movies (as free as paying for a premium cable channel gets). No commercials.
Weaknesses: It's not really "More Than You Imagined™", it's the same 'ole HBO. Movies and programming gets repetitive.
Fun Fact: The first program and film broadcast on HBO, Sometimes a Great Notion, starred Paul Newman and Henry Fonda.
Piet MondrianMondrian (as he was known by everyone except his mother, who affectionately called him "Little Peter") was a Dutch painter born on March 7, 1872 and was the most famous painter of the De Stijl art movement, which of course was named after an early White Stripes album. His paintings consisted of a white background, onto which black horizontal and verticals lines were painted and then filled with the three primary colors. At a time when art was going through major changes, Mondrian's Neo-Plasticism laughed in the face of critics and the general public as well, being one of the first artists to evoke the "If I can paint it, it's not art" attitude of ignorant "critics" around the world. Mondrian's art introduction came at a very early age as his father was a qualified drawing teacher. He would go onto to become a teacher at the Academy for Fine Art in Amsterdam, where he primarily worked in the Dutch Impressionist Manner of the Hague School. In 1912, Mondrian moved to Paris, where he was highly influenced by the Cubist movement and artists such as Picasso and Braque. In 1914 he returned to the Netherlands where along with artists Van der Leck and Van Doesburg he founded the De Stijl, in which the artist's theories signaled a complete break from representational painting.
From 1919 to 1938 Mondrian worked in Paris and then from 1938-1944 he moved between London and New York, continuing his style of thick black lines on a white background with boxes of the primary colors scattered throughout. His most famous painting, Composition with Red, Blue and Yellow (above), perfectly exhibits the principals of Neo-Plasticism which Mondrian strove for throughout his entire career. In 1944, Mondrian died of pneumonia in New York. Mondrian's influence on the world can still be seen today, traditionally in the furniture and architecture of the world's greatest designer: Ikea.
Strengths: Unlike other Minimalists like Barnett Newman and Mark Rothko, Mondrian was not bat-shit crazy.
Weaknesses: His artwork is most recognizable by non-cultured people as the early reason why Modern art is such a disaster.
Fun Fact: In May, 2008 Nike released the SB Dunk, styled after the work of Piet Mondrian.
Milton Bradley Watch
December 08, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Arcturus
Threat Level: Still a Cub. Still a colossal dick.Rumors are that two to three other teams beside the Rays are interested in Bradley, meaning there's two to four GMs in baseball possibly dumber than Jim Hendry.
The Bradley for Burrell rumors continue to percolate and Royals' GM Dayton Moore shot down a rumor that the Royals and Cubs were discussing a Bradley for Gil Meche deal.
Pop Culture Gauntlet: Kanye West vs. The Enron Scandal
December 07, 2009 | Comments (0) | by T.R.
Welcome to Pop Culture Gauntlet, where people, places, and things from various subjects face off in a virtual cage match. As part of an ongoing series we will bring you new battles each week between randomly selected items from the Thunder Matt's PCG database. We will provide you with a brief background of both competitors. After reading, you can then vote on your choice in the poll located in the right sidebar column. Monday battles will run until 12am Thursday. Thursday battles will run until 12am Monday. Also we welcome any arguments for either competitor in our comments section. May the best man, thing, or whatever win.
Today's match: Kanye West vs. The Enron Scandal
KANYE WEST
Kanye West, as all of you know, is a prominent rapper, producer, musician, fashionista, and all-around insufferable douche. West rose to prominence as producer for Roc-A-Fella Records. He achieved notoriety for his work on Jay-Z's album The Blueprint, which was released moments after the Twin Towers were hit by the Iraqis on September 11, 2001. He has since released four solo albums of his own: The College Dropout (2004), Late Registration (2005), Graduation (2007), and 808s & Heartbreak (2008). His album Graduation was originally set to be released on September 18, 2007. However, (supposedly) noting the impending anniversary of our nation's darkest day, West had the release date moved to September 11. He would once again upstage the anniversary of our country's greatest domestic tragedy by being arrested on September 11, 2008 at Los Angeles International Airport following an altercation with a photographer. Though a genuine philanthropist at heart, West has gained most of his media attention due to his uproarious public meltdowns. From the infamous declaration at A Concert for Hurricane Relief that "George Bush doesn't care about black people", to his numerous award show acceptance speech interruptions, Kanye West is the entertainment industry's poster child of a "negative attention-getter".
Strengths: understands how to make himself the center of attention; musically inclined; charity work
Weaknesses: acts like a petulant child in public; believes he is God's gift; tendency to speak without thinking first
Fun Fact: Kanye's mother, Donda West, died in 2007 from complications following plastic surgery.
ENRON SCANDAL
Enron was a Houston-based energy company founded by Kenneth Lay in 1985. The rise and fall of Enron is perhaps the most notable example of free market FAIL in U.S. history. Chief executives of Enron (including former CFO Andrew Fastow, former President, CEO and COO Jeffrey Skilling, and former Chairman and CEO Lay) used creative accounting practices to hide billions of dollars in debt, effectively pulling the proverbial wool over the eyes of Wall Street throughout the 1990s. Their particular brand of corporate malfeasance allowed Enron to portray itself as a genuine American success story, with a diversified portfolio that pushed it's stock price to $90 per share in mid-2000. Unfortunately for their employees and shareholders, the wheels jumped off the track in August of 2001. Skilling stepped down as CEO (after selling off 450,000 shares for a $33 million profit) as pressure mounted for Enron to open it's books. When the World Trade Center and Pentagon were attacked on September 11, 2001, Enron executives pointed and said "look over there!" as they grabbed their briefcases and ran in the opposite direction to the tune of "Yakety Sax". Ultimately, shareholders lost $74 billion leading up to Enron's collapse. Over 20,000 former employees, some of which lost hundreds of thousands of dollars in shares, won a paltry $3,100 for their troubles in a subsequent lawsuit.
Strengths: ability to work the system; generous executive compensation; woke America up to corporate greed
Weaknesses: chief executives are all currently in jail or dead; families destroyed; lost naming rights to the Astros ballpark
Fun Fact: Enron's original name was Enteron, which roughly translated to "intestines" in Greek. The name was thus changed.
Today's match: Kanye West vs. The Enron Scandal
KANYE WEST
Kanye West, as all of you know, is a prominent rapper, producer, musician, fashionista, and all-around insufferable douche. West rose to prominence as producer for Roc-A-Fella Records. He achieved notoriety for his work on Jay-Z's album The Blueprint, which was released moments after the Twin Towers were hit by the Iraqis on September 11, 2001. He has since released four solo albums of his own: The College Dropout (2004), Late Registration (2005), Graduation (2007), and 808s & Heartbreak (2008). His album Graduation was originally set to be released on September 18, 2007. However, (supposedly) noting the impending anniversary of our nation's darkest day, West had the release date moved to September 11. He would once again upstage the anniversary of our country's greatest domestic tragedy by being arrested on September 11, 2008 at Los Angeles International Airport following an altercation with a photographer. Though a genuine philanthropist at heart, West has gained most of his media attention due to his uproarious public meltdowns. From the infamous declaration at A Concert for Hurricane Relief that "George Bush doesn't care about black people", to his numerous award show acceptance speech interruptions, Kanye West is the entertainment industry's poster child of a "negative attention-getter".Strengths: understands how to make himself the center of attention; musically inclined; charity work
Weaknesses: acts like a petulant child in public; believes he is God's gift; tendency to speak without thinking first
Fun Fact: Kanye's mother, Donda West, died in 2007 from complications following plastic surgery.
ENRON SCANDAL
Enron was a Houston-based energy company founded by Kenneth Lay in 1985. The rise and fall of Enron is perhaps the most notable example of free market FAIL in U.S. history. Chief executives of Enron (including former CFO Andrew Fastow, former President, CEO and COO Jeffrey Skilling, and former Chairman and CEO Lay) used creative accounting practices to hide billions of dollars in debt, effectively pulling the proverbial wool over the eyes of Wall Street throughout the 1990s. Their particular brand of corporate malfeasance allowed Enron to portray itself as a genuine American success story, with a diversified portfolio that pushed it's stock price to $90 per share in mid-2000. Unfortunately for their employees and shareholders, the wheels jumped off the track in August of 2001. Skilling stepped down as CEO (after selling off 450,000 shares for a $33 million profit) as pressure mounted for Enron to open it's books. When the World Trade Center and Pentagon were attacked on September 11, 2001, Enron executives pointed and said "look over there!" as they grabbed their briefcases and ran in the opposite direction to the tune of "Yakety Sax". Ultimately, shareholders lost $74 billion leading up to Enron's collapse. Over 20,000 former employees, some of which lost hundreds of thousands of dollars in shares, won a paltry $3,100 for their troubles in a subsequent lawsuit.Strengths: ability to work the system; generous executive compensation; woke America up to corporate greed
Weaknesses: chief executives are all currently in jail or dead; families destroyed; lost naming rights to the Astros ballpark
Fun Fact: Enron's original name was Enteron, which roughly translated to "intestines" in Greek. The name was thus changed.
Turning Japanese
December 07, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Arcturus
In case you missed it (like we did), America's favorite ginger outfielder is picking up his toys and going to . . . Japan. The Rockies gave Murton his release so he could attempt to jumpstart his career in the Nippon Leagues. Look, I know we bartenders here at the Saloon are biased toward the red-headed wonder, but Jesus Christ, isn't there any team in the majors that could give this guy a chance to play everyday? I'm looking at you Kansas City. Or what about you, Atlanta? Murton only hit .324/.389/.499 for the year in Triple A Colorado Springs. Sure, his defense is spotty, but if that kept you out of a major league lineup, there'd be a lotta guys out of work. (Cough-Soriano-cough).Here at the Saloon we wish Thunder the best of luck in the Far East. Watch out for the blowfish, buddy.
Addition by Subtraction
December 03, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Wolter
I usually hate that term. But I just had to pop in to say good riddance. According to ESPN Chicago, the Cubs have traded Aaron Miles and Jake Fox for some prospects. It's a Holiday Miracle!
I mean, don't get me wrong, Jake Fox has a decent bat, but he was a worse fielder than this site's namesake.
And more importantly, with this move the 2010 Cubs will be AARON FREE!
I mean, don't get me wrong, Jake Fox has a decent bat, but he was a worse fielder than this site's namesake.
And more importantly, with this move the 2010 Cubs will be AARON FREE!
Congratulations White Chili, Death League 2009 Champion!
November 30, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan
A hearty congratulations goes out to White Chili, winner of the second annual TMS Death League.For the second straight season a wild card pick proved to be the deciding factor. White Chili's pick of Patrick Swayze catapulted him into the lead spot, which he easily maintained for the remainder of the season.
Of course this has now led to the "Swayze Rule" which takes effect starting in the 2010 season, in which no person may be drafted as a wild card if they are suffering a terminal illness with a prognosis of less than a year to live at the time of the draft.
Of course Death League 2010 has already begun at the stroke of midnight on Black Friday. later this week I will post a recap of this year's Wild Card draft as well as the full rosters for the new season.
Here are the final standings for 2009.
| RK | Manager | Deaths | Score |
| 1. | White Chili | Farrah Fawcett, Walter Cronkite, Patrick Swayze | 30 |
| 2. | Brant Brown | Bettie Page, Chuck Daly, David Carradine, Les Paul | 16 |
| 3. | Chaim Witz | Carl Pohlad, Ricardo Montalban, Dom DeLuise, Ted Kennedy | 15 |
| 4. | The Hundley | Eartha Kitt, Paul Harvey, Robert McNamara | 8 |
| 5. | Daft Funk | Jack Kemp | 6 |
| 6. | Chip Wesley | Ed McMahon | 3 |
| 6. | Jordi | Bea Arthur | 3 |
| 8. | Arcturus | Karl Malden | 1 |
| 9. | Governor X | - | 0 |
| 9. | Tommy Buzanis | - | 0 |
| 9. | Lingering Bursitis | - | 0 |
Happy Turkey Day, from the Saloon!
November 25, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Ginger Russ
Happy Thanksgiving everybody! As you all settle into your La-Z-boy and zone out watching football while the your in-laws bicker about which parent made your cousin Chad "gay", please remember a couple of things.1. You will not be able to eat as much as Jim Hendry, Lou Piniella, or Geovany Soto on a pot bender this Thanksgiving, even if you are wearing your super stretchy stretch pants or decided to just wear a "Snuggie" and nothing else. Give your stomach a break and keep it to three or four plates of food (plus dessert, of course). Remember, the gravy boat is for everyone, it's not just a fancy looking glass even if it is placed directly in front of you at the table.
2. Do not act upon that awkward attraction to your new cousin whose mother just married your Uncle Jack. Sure, there is no blood relationship between you two, and getting away from the family and your crazy Uncle's war stories to go fool around in the laundry room might seem like a good idea at the time, especially after more than a few rum and cokes, but you are going to have to see this person at least a couple times a year. There is no breaking up with family and it can only lead to uncomfortable glances and having to avoid this person for the rest of your life, or until your Uncle Jack finds a new gold digger.
3. When deciding on whether or not to participate in the after-dinner game of tackle football, we realize some of you may be delusional in grasping the concept of aging. Just make sure to ask yourself, "Does my insurance cover back/hip surgery?" If the answer is yes, then go ahead, enjoy. If not, you might want to arm chair quarterback this year's game.
4. Deep Fried Turkey: best attempted before hitting the tequila.
5. Leave politics to the politicians. Sure, you might feel the need to tell everyone about how Obama is fucking up this country and point out every little fucking detail about it, but really, no one gives a shit about your warped hidden racist views.
And finally, give thanks, it's Thanksgiving Day for fucks sake. Not sure what to give thanks for this year after you lost your job, your wife and girlfriend left you and didn't even leave the dog and that 10 speed with frozen tires is your new "ride"? Well, here are some simple things that the bartenders are thankful for this year*:
Wolter: 1979
Daft Funk: Titties
Chaim Witz: The fact that KISS will never die
Dave Thomas: Cotton balls
Chip Wesley: Sneaking into "New Moon"
The Hundley: The Biggest Loser
Brant Brown: Hating me...and everything for that matter
White Chili: Mousetraps
Lingering Bursitis: Scotch eggs
Arcturus: Diet soda
Adam Blank: Obscure horror movies and vodka
And me, I'm thankful for all of you, reading this shit I put forth into words, errors and all, both here and at College of Idiots. Happy Thanksgiving, and enjoy your fucking mashed potatoes!
*None of the bartenders actually approve the things they give thanks for, I just made them up.
You Make the Call: Jay Cutler
November 23, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan
Jay Cutler..................................or..................................Jay CutlerNobody cares how great of an arm you have if you keep throwing your perfect spiral 15 yards ahead of your receiver!
Target: Making My Life a Living Hell
November 20, 2009 | Comments (1) | by Ginger Russ
I always used to like Target. I mean when I would compare it to it's evil nemesis, Walmart at least. I don't even shop at Walmart, absolutely refuse to. But recently I have been rethinking all the good memories I've ever had about shopping at Target, and by good memories I mean that in the most abstract way a person who hates shopping can have about entering a store that is an acre full of mindless walkabout zombies.
Mashed potatoes, the most impossible thing to make since the scotch egg.
The scene is this: a couple weekends ago I decided to make mashed potatoes to accompany the Beef Bourguignon I was making for traditional gameday feast that we have when my friends and I get together for the Bears games on Sunday. Like most Americans, I prefer my mashed potatoes of the real variety. None of that boxed, dried, or Country Crock in-a-tub shit. Unlike most Americans though, I make my own mashed potatoes, which I was grossly unaware of when I went on my extremely long and frustrating journey to find a hand potato masher. You see, I don't own a mixer, like Rachael Ray I don't bake, and I also prefer my mashed potatoes to be a little lumpy. You know, some texture so that it doesn't taste like grandma's nursing home food.
I was sure the aisle with all the kitchen gadgets in the grocery store would have one, no problem I assumed. But you know what they say about people who assume don't you? So when the grocery store that I went to purchase the potatoes, butter, cream, cheese, bacon and scallions (I was making cheddar-bacon mashers) didn't have one I didn't fret. Surely the Target next to my house would have one, it's even one of those "Super" Targets. But like I was saying, you know what they say about people who make assumptions.
Like the record player and Brant Brown's happiness, this object is nearly impossible to find nowadays.
Fifteen minutes at staring into a 30 foot long aisle of every kitchen gadget ever known to man outside of the Bed, Bath and Beyond store later I felt like someone was playing a horrible joke on me. With only 30 minutes till the Bears game kickoff and all my friends on their way to my house, I was astounded that even though Target carried 10 "sandwich crust removers" (apparently knives are too difficult to operate nowadays), they didn't carry any potato mashers. Well, this just couldn't be right, I had to ask an employee if they were just out and had some in the back, even though the 2 empty rings were clearly not marked for potato mashers.
I know we throw the term around pretty loosely here at the Saloon, but I truly believe this to be a War Criminal: people that wear red shirts in Target. Why the fuck would you wear a red shirt in Target unless you are there specifically to fuck with me when I need to find something? I must have walked up to at least 3 different people before I realized they were just shoppers and not employees. And fuck Target for not handing out real uniforms. What, they can't afford them? Have you ever noticed that the employees get to pick their own red shirt to wear, and they usually pick one that is so common that fifteen customers in the store will also be wearing the same exact shirt at that moment?
Target employees: too young and fat to be strippers, for shame!
After FINALLY finding an actual employee I was told that they didn't have any and that they also thought it was strange that they didn't carry them. Fucking-a-right it's strange. But I guess it's just America today, too lazy to mash their own potatoes. Fortunately, the good people across the street at Walmart (like I said, I never shop at Walmart, but am reconsidering) had a potato masher, even if it was basically a 3" plastic circle with a couple holes punched into it that was attached to a handle flexible enough to be a Chinese gymnast. I might as well have used my hands to mash those potatoes. So my point is this, 'Merica, if you plan on mashing your own potatoes this Thanksgiving and don't have a masher or a mixer, make sure to reserve an hour of your day to travel to Bed, Bath and Beyond to get a real, old-school metal masher. Enjoy your fucking potatoes!
Mashed potatoes, the most impossible thing to make since the scotch egg.The scene is this: a couple weekends ago I decided to make mashed potatoes to accompany the Beef Bourguignon I was making for traditional gameday feast that we have when my friends and I get together for the Bears games on Sunday. Like most Americans, I prefer my mashed potatoes of the real variety. None of that boxed, dried, or Country Crock in-a-tub shit. Unlike most Americans though, I make my own mashed potatoes, which I was grossly unaware of when I went on my extremely long and frustrating journey to find a hand potato masher. You see, I don't own a mixer, like Rachael Ray I don't bake, and I also prefer my mashed potatoes to be a little lumpy. You know, some texture so that it doesn't taste like grandma's nursing home food.
I was sure the aisle with all the kitchen gadgets in the grocery store would have one, no problem I assumed. But you know what they say about people who assume don't you? So when the grocery store that I went to purchase the potatoes, butter, cream, cheese, bacon and scallions (I was making cheddar-bacon mashers) didn't have one I didn't fret. Surely the Target next to my house would have one, it's even one of those "Super" Targets. But like I was saying, you know what they say about people who make assumptions.
Like the record player and Brant Brown's happiness, this object is nearly impossible to find nowadays.Fifteen minutes at staring into a 30 foot long aisle of every kitchen gadget ever known to man outside of the Bed, Bath and Beyond store later I felt like someone was playing a horrible joke on me. With only 30 minutes till the Bears game kickoff and all my friends on their way to my house, I was astounded that even though Target carried 10 "sandwich crust removers" (apparently knives are too difficult to operate nowadays), they didn't carry any potato mashers. Well, this just couldn't be right, I had to ask an employee if they were just out and had some in the back, even though the 2 empty rings were clearly not marked for potato mashers.
I know we throw the term around pretty loosely here at the Saloon, but I truly believe this to be a War Criminal: people that wear red shirts in Target. Why the fuck would you wear a red shirt in Target unless you are there specifically to fuck with me when I need to find something? I must have walked up to at least 3 different people before I realized they were just shoppers and not employees. And fuck Target for not handing out real uniforms. What, they can't afford them? Have you ever noticed that the employees get to pick their own red shirt to wear, and they usually pick one that is so common that fifteen customers in the store will also be wearing the same exact shirt at that moment?
Target employees: too young and fat to be strippers, for shame!After FINALLY finding an actual employee I was told that they didn't have any and that they also thought it was strange that they didn't carry them. Fucking-a-right it's strange. But I guess it's just America today, too lazy to mash their own potatoes. Fortunately, the good people across the street at Walmart (like I said, I never shop at Walmart, but am reconsidering) had a potato masher, even if it was basically a 3" plastic circle with a couple holes punched into it that was attached to a handle flexible enough to be a Chinese gymnast. I might as well have used my hands to mash those potatoes. So my point is this, 'Merica, if you plan on mashing your own potatoes this Thanksgiving and don't have a masher or a mixer, make sure to reserve an hour of your day to travel to Bed, Bath and Beyond to get a real, old-school metal masher. Enjoy your fucking potatoes!
Person of Interest: Guy On a Bike at Night
November 19, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz
Hey you. Yeah, jackass with the skinny jeans, unkempt beard and thrift store t-shirt. Yeah you, asshole. Riding your bike at night? Not cool. Riding without any sort of reflectors or lights? Well, all I can say is that you deserve whats coming to you, be it an accidental run in with a rogue car door or me purposely running you off the road into the storefront window of a record store that you probably work at part time.Listen, I love a good bike ride, I really do. Get some fresh air, get the blood flowing, see the beautiful sights of Chicago. It's economical, it's good for your body and it helps clear the mind. But for the love of Lance Armstrong's one remaining testicle, just stop with the reckless night time bike riding. Given the fact that the majority of most roadways don't have dedicated bike lanes and the streets here are skinner than your emo-stunted cock make this practice even more absurd.
If you want to do some organized late ride, that's cool. But when I see you run a stop sign, hog the lane or flippantly dismiss the rules of the road, I can't help but want to see bodily harm come to you. At the very least, I'd like to go to your house, drink all of your PBR, switch all of your radio presets to HOT A/C, superglue the pages of your graphic novels and show your girlfriend how a real man makes love.
I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings (no I'm not). You can always take solace in the fact that Death Cab for Cutie are still releasing albums and no one has touched your soy milk that's been sitting in the work fridge for a solid 6 weeks. Better hop on the ole' 12 speed and head over to Jewel at midnight to replace that shit and buy a pack of Lucky Strikes. Just know that I'll be in my car....watching....waiting...
Brant's Rant
November 16, 2009 | Comments (0) | by T.R.
NFL 'hang time' clocks:What in the hell is the point of showing the 'hang time' of a punt in digital format on an NFL broadcast. The point of a punt is to pin the receiving team as deep into their own territory as possible. Why in God's name would I care if it takes that punt 4.9 or 4.3 seconds to land? How much money went into creating that graphic on each broadcast. Better yet, how many wasted dollars are going to some chump in a truck starting and stopping that fucking clock? Yes, these are hard economic times, but that ass hat would serve us a lot better if he were washing our cars or serving our drinks.
The term 'bogo':
If you're not hip to it yet, the term 'bogo' stands for 'buy one get one'. It is often associated with shitty restaurants and second-rate merchandisers. If you're like me, you often hear 'bogo' at your place of work, possibly in the form of a mass e-mail sent throughout the office by an overweight post-menopausal woman, with a coupon attached. You know what bitch? I don't give a shit if Souplantation has a buy one meal, get one half off promotion. Take your fat ass and barren womb over to that shithole buffet with one of the other hags and eat clam chowder until you have a fucking coronary. Please. Just don't bother me with your cost-savings nonsense, I don't give two shits about your frivolity. I feel so sorry for your husband, who likely lost his will to live 20 years ago. I shit on your 'bogo'.
Kids playing stickball in the street and their ignorant parents:
I'm all about our nation's youth getting exercise, being outdoors, using their imaginations and such. But for Christ's sake, don't play stickball on the street that's full of parked cars! How stupid can you be? My car was parked in my own goddamn driveway and you hit it twice you pieces of shit! If you're going to knock a projectile, go down four blocks to the fucking park! How is that not clear? Do you not have parents? Are they unaware that it's their designated weekend to be responsible for you? If they were worth their salt, they wouldn't allow you to play ball in the street and destroy other people's property. Or perhaps they're too busy smoking drugs or cheating on their spouses, and are just glad that you're not in the house to witness their various indiscretions. Either way, here's to hoping that you mature quickly enough to not knock up some girl before you graduate high school.
Overrated: international friendlies; Tim McGraw; USC football; Bill Belichick's ego
Underrated: the Bengals being good; the word 'cocksure'; Colts vs. Patriots
Ha Ha, Look at You!
November 15, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz
Wow. Just wow. Up by 6 with less than two minutes to play and you elect to go for it on 4th and 2 on your own 28? You don't make it, Peyton gets the ball on the 25....ballgame. The Evil Genius costs his team the game and home field advantage in the playoffs in one fell swoop.I honestly can't recall a more irresponsible coaching decision in all of my grizzled, slightly homosexual days, especially in such a crunch time spot. A lesser coach would be fired. If he were a soccer coach, he'd likely be murdered. (No joke)
As The Hundley aptly stated, 'Ego is a bitch'. Guess that sleeveless hoodie/cum towel is gonna be used to dry the tears of New England tonight Billy Boy!
Bill Belichick: This couldn't have happened to a bigger asshole. Love it!
Holy Christ, Please Trade for Granderson
November 12, 2009 | Comments (0) | by T.R.
Word in the rumor mill (thanks MLB TradeRumors, Paul Sullivan, Jon Heyman, etc.!) is that the Tigers may be willing to listen to offers for Curtis Granderson. Unless God hates us all, the Cubs are sure to at least kick the tires. How often can you kill two birds with one stone (leadoff hitter and lefty pop) in these times of economic hardship?Oh, we would bring up the economics of it all, wouldn't we! Granderson's contract has him due for $25.75 million over the next three years. That's nothing for the Ricketts, who have said that they intend to keep the Cubs among the top three spenders in baseball. You have to spend money to make money, right? I think Jesus said that. Check the Bible. He's in the New Testament part.
Surely Hendry would be required to move Uncle Milton first, eating the better part of his $21 million. They'll certainly have to absorb another bad contract in that move, which the Tigers wouldn't want. That probably leaves the Cubs in a position where they would be forced to cough up a slew of youngsters. Hopefully that would start with Jake Fox (future DH extraordinaire) and the mythical Starlin Castro. I'd like to see them move Samardzija (completely overrated), but again, we would have to eat some cash. The bottom line is that it could be done, and it would be much more satisfying than going into next season having only brought in Luis Castillo and Marlon Byrd.
Would Granderson cure all our ails? Probably not, but he's the one piece that would fit best. Sure he strikes out a lot, but at least those strikes are swinging, as opposed to Bradley who never lifted the bat off his shoulder. He doesn't really hit lefties worth a lick, but you can spell him on occasion if you retain Reed Johnson. And maybe Granderson doesn't steal as much as you would like, but he's certainly more of a threat to steal a base than anyone else on the roster (we're looking at you Crazy Legs Soriano). Plus, by Dusty Baker logic, Curtis should be able to handle all the hot afternoon games better than someone like Pat Burrell.
Granderson is an Illinois boy and a seemingly all-around good guy. You know, the kind that you might want in a clubhouse. Yep, it might hurt the back pocket, and it will further thin out an incredibly thin farm system. But the Ricketts need to make their mark. Let's do this thing! We can worry about the consequences after the 2010 playoffs.
Update: If the Cubs were to actually acquire Granderson, we have dibs on being the official Curtis Granderson Cubs blog. Perhaps that would entail a name change. Thunder Granderson's Saloon? Lightning Curtis's Saloon? Something like that.
Let's Make a (Bradley) Deal!
November 10, 2009 | Comments (0) | by T.R.
As has been documented on numerous occasions at TMS, other Cubs blogs, sports talk radio, and basically any every modern media platform, we are tired of Milton Bradley, and wish the saga would end. With any luck, Jim Hendry can work some magic (and take on an equally bad contract) this week at the GM meetings. To have to go into January, or God forbid Spring Training knowing that Bradley is still on the club would just be a tad bit ridiculous.Now, we also tend to overstate things as sports fans. Many of us use the term "we" when referring to our team's performance on the field. Milton Bradley does not know us personally. He will never go to your home or have a beer with you. He doesn't necessarily care about you, and off the field, you likely do not care about him. He is a player on the team you have chosen to follow; nothing more, nothing less. Milton is a real human, he has feelings, he cares passionately about his performance. If he didn't, he would just be Adam Dunn. Milton wanted this to work out, and we wanted Milton to work out. Unfortunately, neither happened, and we all know it is time to move on.
So, who would you rather have for the next two years in place Bradley? Who would you rather open your heart to? Who would you rather bunk with? Who would you rather invite on a fishing trip or to a strip club? Aaron Rowand? Really? Luis Castillo? Vernon Wells? Barry Zito? Pat Burrell? Are any of those options that much more attractive? Ugh. Better yet, what would you rather have than Bradley? Assuming the money washed out in the end, would you trade him for proper urinals instead of troughs? What if it meant Dave Otto replaced Bob Brenley? Would you do it then? What if you could get rid of Bradley, but you had to start going to Church every Sunday? What if you could be free of Bradley, but it meant that you would have to go through a bout of chlamydia? What will this freedom be worth? Feel free to post what you'd be willing to sacrifice or take on in lieu of Milton Bradley.
War Hero: Tony Bennett
November 10, 2009 | Comments (0) | by T.R.
We often throw the term 'War Hero' around loosely at the Saloon. Today we assign that designation to one of the great crooners of our time, who just so happens to have truly earned it.Anthony Dominick Benedetto was born in New York City in 1926. Tony's talents in painting and singing were apparent at an early age, earning him enrollment at New York's High School of Industrial Art. At the age of 18, he was drafted into the United States Army, where he served as an infantry rifleman. Bennett was stationed in France and Germany during the waning days of World War II. He would later describe the horrors of war in his autobiography, including the struggles brought on by the harsh winter landscape, and the experience of house-to-house combat while driving back German soldiers. When the war ended, he remained in Germany for a period of time, assisting in the liberation of a Nazi concentration camp.
When Bennett returned to the States, he picked up on his vocal training. He opened for Pearl Bailey in Greenwich Village in 1949, where he was spotted by Bob Hope. This was the break Tony needed, as he was soon after signed to Columbia Records. A string of chart-topping hits would follow throughout the 1950's, including two standout albums in which Bennett collaborated with the Count Basie Orchestra. "I Left My Heart in San Francisco", widely recognized as Bennett's most popular song, drew acclaim after it's 1962 release.
In the mid-1960's the musical landscape began to change, and Bennett found it increasingly difficult to wade these new waters. He went to great lengths in an attempt to change his professional fortunes over the next 15 years. A failed record label, a relocation to London, and a near-fatal overdose brought Tony face-to-face with the 1980's and some hard choices. He brought his two sons into the fold in a last-ditch effort to rehabilitate his career. Gone were the residences in Las Vegas; in was a new deal with Columbia, and the embracing of popular culture.
The youth of America, weened on rock 'n' roll, had until this point been relatively oblivious to the standards genre. An appearance at the MTV Video Music Awards, along with an MTV Unplugged recording, endeared Bennett to this new audience. The record that resulted from his Unplugged session went on to earn him an Album of the Year Grammy, and went a long way in rejuvenating his career.
Aside from being known as one of the great male vocalists of the past century, Bennett has delved into other passions. He was an active member of the Civil Rights Movement, participating in the 1965 Selma to Montgomery marches. In the same vein, he would refuse offers to perform in apartheid South Africa.
Perhaps what he would prefer to best be known for, however, is his painting. His works are featured in numerous galleries throughout the world. He was the official artist for the 2001 Kentucky Derby, and was commissioned by the UN for two paintings. The UN would go on to honor him with the United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees' Humanitarian Award in 2006.
In total, Bennett has won 15 Grammy Awards and two Emmys. These, however, are mere symbols of the greater work that he will one day leave us with. Tony Bennett, the vocalist, entertainer, human rights activist, soldier, and multi-talented artist, is a true American treasure. Most of all, he is a legitimate War Hero, of the caliber that only Thunder Matt's Saloon can properly recognize.
*Biographical facts were largely culled from Wikipedia. We can trust that thing now, right?
Steven Tyler Quits Aerosmith?
November 09, 2009 | Comments (0) | by T.R.
Word on the Internets is that Steven Tyler has, for all intents and purposes, left the band Aerosmith. Lead guitarist Joe Perry has alluded to this in recent interviews, though he admits that it is not out of the ordinary for Tyler to go incommunicado for lengths of time.If it is indeed true that Tyler has given up his post as the frontman for one of America's most iconic rock 'n' roll bands, Perry says they will seek a new lead singer and new direction. However, it would be a daunting task to replace the flamboyance and showmanship of Tyler. It likely could not be done, thus making it difficult to promote an Aerosmith tour at $75 per ticket. If he is replaced, the more likely scenario is a downshift in ambition, and a prominent place on the state fair circuit next summer.
In my more impressionable days, I held Aerosmith in incredibly high regard. They were my first exposure to good old-fashioned dirty rock music. Unfortunately, they've been largely irrelevant over the last decade. Such is life, especially when you've been going at it for nearly 40 years. Aerosmith has certainly overcome adversity in the past, but if Tyler is truly gone, the rest of the boys will be facing a steep uphill battle.
